Humor and Stupidity
"A sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit not having." --Mark Twain
"A frog has a wonderful advantage in life-- he can eat everything that bugs him." --Anonymous
"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry, and is generally considered to have been a bad move." -- D. Adams
"When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV." -- Homer Simpson
"Stay away from that jazz man, Lisa. Nothing personal, I just fear the unfamiliar." -- Marge Simpson
"Ya' know, Mo, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said 'Homer, you’re a big disappointment' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something." -- Homer Simpson
"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." -- John Benfield
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry.'" -- Gary Larson
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." --John Lehman
"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little." -- Porterfield
"Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employs a million." -- Mark Twain
"If at first you don't succeed, don't skydive. "--Anon
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." --Will Rogers
"Some days you’re the dog... Some days you’re the hydrant." --Anon
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies baseball manager
"Warning label on hair dryer: Never use while sleeping."
"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of RAM?" --Bill Gates, 1981
"Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are." --Anon
"Warning label on a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device."
"They X-rayed my head and found nothing." --Jerome "Dizzy" Dean
"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres." --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer
"May our nation continue to be the beakon [sic] of hope to the world." --On the Quayles' 1989 Christmas card
"Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world." --Pete York
"Don't judge a book by its movie." --Anon
"A team effort is everyone doing what I say." --Michael Winner
"Whoever said "Money can't buy happiness" didn't know where to shop." --Anon
"When in doubt, duck." --Malcolm Forbes
"All true wisdom is found on t-shirts." --Anon
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." --Anon
"Some drink at the fountain of knowledge... others just gargle." --Anon
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." --Lily Tomlin
"Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy-five cents. "--Billiam Coronel
"To do is to be."--Descartes
"To be is to do."--Voltaire
"Do be do be do."--Sinatra
"When I was a little kid we had a sandbox. Actually, it had quicksand in it. I was an only child... eventually."--Anon
"People who live in glass houses... shouldn't."--Anon
"What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement."--Fred Allen
"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open."--Howard Hughes, referring to Clark Gable
"A day without any computer problems in the best day of your life."-Ricky Lankford
"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it still is?"--Anon
"If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver." --unknown
"Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time -- a tremendous whack." --Winston Churchill
"We never grow up, we only learn how to act in public." --Bryan White
"Unsolicited advice is the junk mail of life." --Bern Williams
"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward" -- Bill Davidsen
"Facts are stupid things." -- Ronald Reagan
"A zebra cannot change its spots." -- Al Gore
"It's a question of whether we're going to go forward into the future, or past to the back." --Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." --Quayle
"Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"The Internet is a great way to get on the Net." --Bob Dole
"I have many opinions -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them." --George Bush
"Please provide the date of your death." --From an IRS letter
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL quarterback
"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields
"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it." --Mike Smith, baseball pitcher, when ordering a salad at a restaurant
"I love California. I pratically grew up in Phoenix." --Quayle
"It isn't pollution that's harming our environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Quayle
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..." --Quayle
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