Theme Music to my Life
I'm sitting here,reading fan fiction, and listening to BSB's first CD. And for some implecable reason, I'm am crying. Has anyone else ever felt such a range of emotions about these guys?
I cry or get sad sometimes, thinking about how the guys would react if they knew me. I am nothing to them, really. I'm just another crazy person, who buys up every single piece of merchandise I can, keeps those nosebleed seats warm during the concerts, writes stories about them, reads stories about them, and tries to learn everything I can about these guys. Its because I wish I knew them. Not nessecarily to "be" with one of them ,but the simple fact of making one of them laugh with my stupid jokes, being able to talk to them on the phone, knowing that they could tell me about their problems, regular friend things. I feel stupid sometimes, because I'm 18, and I have a BSB bumper sticker on my truck. I have stickers inside my car, and a laminate hanging from my rear view mirror. Everyone I work with thinks I'm a freak. Whenever BSB comes on the radio, they all sing along and laugh at me. A few people will talk about Howie, just to see my reaction.
Me buying their stuff, wasting my time listening to their cds, parading around in my "BSB Mobile", donning my BSB tshirts, and singing at the top of my lungs, will not make the guys like me. I feel like I'm a burden to them, if I was to approach them in a grocery store,theyd roll their eyes and share a laugh with the others about a pathetic loser they met while shopping.
At other times they make me incredibly happy. When I met Howie, it was the single happiest moment of my life (you probably think I'm pathetic) He hugged me, and I can still remember how soft his shirt was,and how he smelled. I brag and tell everyone, even if they dont care,about the single moment when Howie hugged me. I'll whip out the picture of Kevin and I, even if the person wouldnt know the Backstreet Boys from a hole in the ground. Just thinking about the moment I met Howie can brighten my day. And, when I hear their music on the radio, I instantly cheer up. The other night, I was driving home from an excruitiating day at work. I was practically in tears, and I was thinking about how easy it would be to end my life. Then "Larger Then Life' came on the radio. For the first time that day, I smiled. My entire mood brightened. I turned up the music, sung along loudly, and danced around like a fool. Why do these guys make my life any differenent? I'm perplexed by the hold they have on my life. Ive been a fan for 2 years, and I can remember only twice when I thought about not liking them anymore. I once disliked Howie for an entire 2 weeks.(And if you knew me, youd know I'm a diehard Howie fan) Then awhile ago, took most of my posters down. But, now, I've put most of them backup, and listen to the music, and think about when I can find them again. People I work with will ask why I like them, and most of the time, I tell them I was brainwashed. Why do I really like them?
Because, they make me happy. They came into my life, and it made me differentat first. I had a BSB tshirt before anyone I knew. I would beam proudly when anyone talked to me about them. Last year as a senior, Id make my seminar class discuss BSB. I got to tell them all that BSB did play instruments, and write music, and they plain out rocked. But, back to the liking part of it. BSB was a huge part of my life when significant things have happened. I lost a friend to drugs and alcohol, and BSB were there. My best friend and I became as close as we are, and BSB was the theme music. Ive made new people like them. Everyone I know, knows that the Backstreet Boys are my favorite band. My senior prophecy was that I wouldnt make the reunion because I was attending a BSB concert. And theyre right, if a BSB concert was on the same night as my 10th reunion, I would go to see BSB. When my best friend mentioned getting a tattoo that said Backstreet Boys, I laughed at her. But, then I thought about it, and her reasoning behind it. She said this "Its not really about the Backstreet Boys. Its about this time of my life.I agree with her. If she gets one, I am too.
These guys that dont even know me have impacted my life far beyond anything. They make me happy, they make me sad, they take up my thoughts, they take up my fantasies, theyve made me think about the direction my life is headed. In the past 2 years, I've decided that I'm going to make music my career. I know that it isnt just them, but, theyre the theme music to my life.
I feel pathetic, sad, angry. Why do I make myself like this over a bunch of guys? Am I all alone on this here?
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