Jokes for Today
The Funeral
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who
just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are
carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall,
jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the
woman is alive. In fact, she lives for ten more years!
Alas, she finally dies and the funeral is again held at the same synagogue.
At the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying
out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband
cries out... "Watch out for the wall!"
One summer, Heidi (a blonde) needed to earn some extra money for college and
managed to get a summer job at Nick's Café.
That summer was quite an event for
their little town, as a film crew was on location shooting a film. One of the
young actors, who was quite handsome, dropped by early every morning for a
coffee and 2 donuts.
Heidi really took a "shining" to him and he was always friendly to her. But try as she might, she couldn't get that little extra
socialization she was looking for. Then, Heidi heard that the film crew were
just about finished and would be moving on. She decided it was now or never..she was gonna take the bull by the horns. She decided she would make her move when the actor came in the next morning. As she was pouring him a cup of coffee, she asked him if he would like a date.
He replied, "No thanks, I'll stick with the donuts."
Josh had always been a big fan of Walt Disney. He saw every film that the
Disney Studios put out. So it was no surprise when he headed to Disneyland
looking for a job as a tour guide. And his interview went something like this:
Interviewer, "So why would you like to work for us?"
Josh, "I've been a big fan for many years. I reckon that I know as much about your characters as anyone. I'd make a darn good tour guide."
Interviewer, "Tell you what. If you
can answer 3 questions, I'll give you the job of Head Tour Guide."
Josh, "Sounds fair."
Interviewer, "First Question: Who is Mickey Mouse's girlfriend?"
Josh, "Minnie Mouse."
Interviewer, "Second Question: Name our 2
most famous dogs."
Josh, "Pluto and Goofy." Interviewer, "Very Good. I assume you saw the movie 101 Dalmatians?"
Josh, "Sure did."
Interviewer, "Okay, name them."
AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and
held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey made a sexual sign with his fingers "So they were playing around too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and playing around before they wrecked the car?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker
on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, Halt, who goes there?
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, General Wheeler.
I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.
The general said, Drive on!
The sentry said, Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.
The general repeated, I’m telling you, son, drive on!
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?
Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for
my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What’s more, he only speaks a few words of English.
The Judge looks at the defendant and says, How much English can you speak?
The defendant looks up and says, Give me your wallet!
One day this Amish couple decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are they doing, honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!
"She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each other's body. The bride discovers her husband's penis.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That is my rope" he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?"
"They aremy knots" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, "Stop, honey; wait a minute!"
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey?"
The bride replies, "Undo those knots and give me more rope."
Ever Wonder Why?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?
Psychiatrist
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time
I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I
think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help
me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me
three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit?
A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
The TOP 10 Complaint of Modarn Day Vampires
10. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
9. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
8. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
7. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for the bottom of a coffin.
6. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
5. No warm blood for miles around DC.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
- And the #1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires -
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
GOING TO THE GYNECOLOGIST
A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners.
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office:
I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.
The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making
such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room
and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.
I was a little surprised when he said:
"My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond.
The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom,
"Mom - where's my washcloth?"
A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat
under a sign that said,"The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.
Then she moved andsat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the
swelling,"and I had to grin.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick", and I could hardly control myself.
BUT---when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I laughed outloud.
"CASE DISMISSED", said the Judge.
Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane".
An every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs
ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".
So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this
time I may nevah go". Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is
ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".
So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take
you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire rideand
not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars".
They agree and up they go...
the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still
nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!"
And Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
A beautiful young lady having just returned from a magnificent week long vacation in a South American republic, walked into
the local bank & asked about exchanging currency.
The teller said he would try to help her.
The lass plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter & the teller then counted it,
made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18.
The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills ?"
"I'm afraid so Miss." replied the teller, "That's the current rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section.
"Gosh Damn." she hissed, "And I gave that cheap S.O.B breakfast too."
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in
the whole event.
The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm
gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
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