A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
10 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE
1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Adam & Eve
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a
painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked,
and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they
have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this
is paradise. They are Russian."
LOLOLOL...thanks to mikee for this submission!!!!!
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman
was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he
say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he
say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he
say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
another funny submission from mikee...thanks for the laughs!
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Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to
strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman
reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he
said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on
Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged
herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you
know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied,
"How did you know my name was Katz?"
ROFLMAO...thanks again to Mikee!!!
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An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice.
They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to
close for the night.
"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting!" said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights,"
the old lady replied.
"We couldn't find my panties,and his teeth were in them!"
Okay..ahem
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FLYING MOSQUITO'S
Just after Lorena Bobbitt brutally cut off her husbands
penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way
down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand,
she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her
window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped
away again.
Meanwhile 2 Canadians driving down the same highway
happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it
out the window and the penis hit their windshield
smack dab in the middle.
Stunned but still quiet the 2 Canadians drove on. About 3
miles down the road the one Canadian turned to the other
and said, "Man, did you see the size of the dick on that mosquito?"
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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his
future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
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Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick
of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as
far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing
dinner when someone knocks on is door. He opens it and there is a big,
bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin' a
party Saturday. Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam. "After six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that
with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin', too."
Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll
be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at
these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam. "Remember I've been alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to
the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. It's just
gonna be the two of us."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxGOLFING HITMAN
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One
Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks
if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy and say, "Sure."
So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious
about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. The friends all laugh.
The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I
carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."
So one of the friends decides to check it out. He opened the bag and,
sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all
excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I
look?" The hit man replies, "Sure."
So the guy looks for a second and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I
can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked.
Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!"
This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would be
for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get $1000 everytime I pull the trigger."
The guy responds, "$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."
The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally the man starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?!?
The hitman replies, "Just hold on..... I'm a about to save you a thousand bucks!"
There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time.
He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored.
Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman.
How about coming back to my place for a piece? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!"
"I'm willing, let's go," she said.
They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the old grandma was for such an old woman.
Surely she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a
virgin, I would have given you $50".
Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
Thanks for the above submission, mikee!!!
A woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store window.
She goes in and asks the clerk if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable.
~~~~~~
A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies."
~~~~~~
A woman bought a waterbed, hoping to improve her husband's sexual
performance.
Now she calls it...the dead sea.
~~~~~~
It was enough that men have to irritate women sixteen hours a day.
God had to make it a clean sweep by adding snoring.
~~~~~~
My husband just left on a four-day business trip.
I am already enjoying his vacation.
~~~~~~
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says rib-bit-rib-bit, the other one says rub-it-rub-it.
~~~~~~
After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town.
"Look," the crook said, "I've got nearly a million in cash in my bank box.
Can you get me off?"
The lawyer said, "Believe me, pal, you'll never go to prison with that
kind of money."
And sure enough, he didn't. He went to prison flat broke.
~~~~~~
Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. VanNess was instructing his
attorney on last-minute changes in his will.
"I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds, property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation."
"And that is?"
"In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death."
The lawyer seemed puzzled. "Why make such an unusual request?"
Mr. VanNess answered, "Because I want someone to be sorry I died."
thanks for submission, tee...LOLOL!
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you
want?"
The man answered "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
This was a very cute LOL...thanks, topper!
A Blond and a brunett are sittinng in a bar watching the 6 o'clock news, and the brunett turns to the blond and says
"I bet that guy on the bridge will jump."
Blonde says alright I will take your bet.
So they watched and the man jumps.
The brunett turns to the blonde and says
"I can't take your money I saw the 5 o' clock news.
The blonde says" so did I but I didn't think he would
jump again.
getting even funnier, topper! LOL