How to sing the Blues...  A primer

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.

 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train, blues NEVER go on the northbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues life-style. So does fixin' to die.

 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

 10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:

 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it for the last 6 months.  

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got leg up on the blues.

 14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

 The following are NOT Blues beverages:

 15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

 18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

 19. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit:

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

from: Hartmut 2002

"Screw Valentines Day"

               Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
               What the hell is all that shit for?
               People get mushy and start acting odd
               It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
               This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
               Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
               I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
               And wear all black for the rest of the week
               Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
               For all they are doing is trying to get laid
               The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
               Because I think love is a crock of shit
               So heres my story...what else can I say?
               Love bites my ass...Screw Valentines Day!
                                               Anonymous

from: Jonas 2000

" I think Santa Claus is a woman....."

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it.
Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing  calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
(You might think this would send  them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th  hour decision making burden.)
On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa  is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,  there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already  be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then  refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect  and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright  90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possible be a man:

• Men can't pack a bag
• Men  would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don't answer their mail
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly"
• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them
• Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.....  Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and  looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But no St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas  Song", it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is...

But WE know the truth!!!

from: Jonas 1999

"Damn pigs..."

Think all of you will enjoy these.  Hugs, mom

• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.  (Hardly seems worth it!)
• If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.  (Now that's more like it!)
• The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
• A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.  (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.  (Still not over that pig thing!)
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
• On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
• The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.  (Hmmmmm.....)
• You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
• Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.
• Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
• You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
• Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.  (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
• In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
• A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
• The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.  (From drinking little bottles of...?)  (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
• Polar bears are left handed.  (Who knew....?,Who cares!)
• The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.  That makes the catfish #1 for the animal having the most taste buds.
• The flea can jump 350 times its body length.  It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
• A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.  (Creepy!)
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.  The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.  ("Honey, I'm home.  What the....")
• Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  (In my next life I still want to be a pig...  quality over quantity!)
• Butterflies taste with their feet.  (Oh, geez!)
• Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
• A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.(I know some people like that.)
• Starfish don't have brains.  (I know some people like that too!)

After reading all these, all I can say is..."Damn Pigs"!!!

from: Jonas 1999

"Coincidence ?"

Go figure! Here's a little part of US history, which makes you go hmmmmmmmm.
Coincidence?

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker,
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

from: Jonas 1999