Je me souviens
by Zulu
Winner of The Erotic Award: Best Female Slash Fiction SDFA Round Twelve
Pour un instant, j'ai oubliι mon nom
Ca m'a permis enfin d'ιcrire cette chanson
Pour un instant, j'ai retournι mon miroir
Ca m'a permis enfin de mieux me voir
J'ai perdu mon temps gagner du temps
J'ai besoin de me trouver une histoire a me conter.
She had been dreaming.
She was sure of that much. There were still images flashing through her mind.
A rainstorm. A knife. Something about falling. She frowned and tried to hold on
to the pieces. If she could catch them, then she could force them to make sense.
But the dream faded too quickly, and she was blinking at a ceiling so white it
hurt.
In fact, everything hurt. She ached. Her body felt like a lead weight. That
was wrong. She heard machines beeping and hissing. The ceiling showed only blank
tiles. She needed to move. There was somewhere she needed to be. She lifted her
arm God, it was heavy and stared at it. Pale skin. An I.V. taped to her
hand dripped clear fluid into a vein. She turned her head. An I.D. bracelet
banded her other wrist. She squinted at it, tried to focus. Finally, the blurred
letters cleared.
Faith Wilkins. No allergies. 5/20/99.
She tried to roll over onto her side. All her muscles protested. The I.V.
pinched her skin. She bit her lip and pushed herself up with one hand, until she
was sitting in the bed. The room was small and bare. One bed, surrounded by
machines counting out her pulse, blood pressure, and oxygen saturation. She
watched the little spikes travel across the screen, blip blip blip. And thought,
I'm supposed to be somewhere.
She turned her head when she heard a rattle outside the door. Her whole body
tensed. She wanted to run away. She was trapped, and that was bad, because
someone had been chasing her.
Hadn't they?
In her dream?
The door opened. She edged across the bed, as far as she could from the light
in the hallway. A woman rolled a cart into the room. She was dressed in white,
short and round, with brown hair cut in a bob. She was reading a chart, making
notes with her pen, and then she looked up. She jumped nearly a foot in the air,
her hand going to her chest, the chart clattering to the floor, the pen rolling
under the bed.
"Oh, my dear," she said. "How you startled me!" She
smoothed her uniform and picked up the chart. "You're awake," she
said. "Well, of course, you already know that! Oh, I'm sorry. My name is
Nurse Owens."
She nodded at Nurse Owens. She glanced at the door and wondered if she could
reach it before the nurse. Escape. She swallowed.
"Well, well, this is certainly a surprise," Nurse Owens said,
bustling to the bed with her cart. She bent down and retrieved her pen.
"I'm afraid I was already writing down that there had been no change! Just
goes to show, you can't let your assumptions lead the way, not in nursing,
anyway. Poor child. Well. I guess you're hungry. I'll have to get the doctor, of
course, no sense starting you on solid food and then getting my knuckles rapped
for my presumption. But then, I'm not the only one, am I?" Nurse Owens
smiled and reached for her wrist.
She yanked her hand away. Her eyes darted to the doorway again.
"There, be easy, I just want to take your pulse. Can't trust the
machines forever, can we?" Nurse Owens touched her hand, then clasped her
wrist. Her hold felt firm and gentle at the same time. "Hmm, strong, good.
I told them so, of course, but doctors are too high and mighty to listen to
me." She made a note in the chart. "They said that with a coma of this
magnitude, we need never hope for a full recovery! But you were different. Lots
of REM activity. I pointed it out on the EEG most coma patients, you get
very little in the delta region, of course. You were more asleep than
unconscious. But listen to me go on. How are you feeling?"
She shrugged. "I " The croak that emerged surprised her, and she
cleared her throat. Nurse Owens shook her head and went to the sink, getting her
a small paper cup of water. She drank slowly, feeling her fingers tremble around
the fragile cone of the cup. Finally, she spoke again. "I'm supposed to be
somewhere," she said. Her voice still sounded husky, but far more natural.
She licked her lips.
Nurse Owen patted her hand. "No, dear, I'm afraid not. I'm sorry to be
the one to tell you this, but you've been in Sunnydale General Hospital the
long term care ward for eight months."
"What happened?" She looked around again. The room was incredibly
clean, even for a hospital. Everything smelled like bleach on top of vomit, like
there were some smells that couldn't be washed away. It was all too clean. No
one ever visited here. There were no flowers, no get well cards. Shouldn't your
friends send you flowers in the hospital? Wasn't that the right thing to do?
Maybe not after eight months. Maybe not if they thought you wouldn't wake up.
"Well, dear, I'm not sure. I only transferred here five months ago. Let
me see..." Nurse Owens flipped back through the pages of the chart. She
looked over the nurse's shoulder and saw line after line of the same quirky
handwriting. Patient condition shows no change. No change. No change.
"It says here that you were in a motor vehicle accident. A pedestrian.
Hit by a truck...Upper left quadrant wound, possibly impaled on debris...subdural
haematoma. That's what's listed as the root cause of the coma." Nurse Owens
peered at her. "What is the last thing that you remember?"
"I " She hunched her shoulders. She twisted the bracelet on her
wrist.
Faith Wilkins. No allergies. 5/20/99.
"I remember that I have to be somewhere. I have to go." She
turned her hips. Her legs were tangled in the covers. She pushed at them.
Nurse Owens caught her hands. "Here...Miss Wilkins...or may I call you
Faith? Such a pretty name."
She tilted her head. Did she like one or the other? "Whatever."
"Faith," Nurse Owens decided. "There is no possible way I can
allow you to leave the hospital." She shifted Faith's legs back onto the
bed and freed the covers, then started tucking them in again, properly, with
hospital corners. "First, you are still far too ill. We would want to see a
substantial recovery before you were released. Second, you appear to be
suffering from amnesia. Where would you go? And, finally, you are still a minor.
We can contact your next-of-kin for you, but you can't leave all by
yourself."
Faith let Nurse Owens raise the bed until she was sitting more comfortably.
The room was hazy in front of her eyes. She leaned back against the pillows. If
she fell back asleep, would she ever wake up again? "Who are they?"
she asked.
"Who are who, dear?"
Faith forced her eyes to stay open. She was much warmer with the sheets
tucked around her. Everything was warmer. She didn't hurt as much, now. "My
next-of-kin," she said. "Who are you going to call?"
Nurse Owens opened the chart again. "Your guardian is Richard
Wilkins...oh..."
"What?" Faith wriggled upright again. "What's wrong? What's
'oh'?"
"Your guardian he was the Mayor of Sunnydale. He, ah, he died...just
shortly after you were hurt. Faith, I'm so sorry."
Faith tightened her lips. Dead. Her guardian. And there was someone chasing
her, with a knife no. That was only a dream. She shook her head. Richard
Wilkins. What had she called him? Dad? Mr. Wilkins? She moved her tongue around
the names. Nothing felt familiar. Was she supposed to be sad now? She wondered
if she would cry if she remembered him. She reached out for memories. There was
only a thick fog, and the sound of a thunderstorm. Rain, falling. Blackness.
Nothing.
"Oh, but there is someone else," Nurse Owens said. "In case of
emergencies...here we are. Rupert Giles. All his information appears to be
current." She rested her hand on Faith's shoulder. "You must be
exhausted. Don't worry. You're going to be fine. I'll make the calls, and I'll
have the doctor come and check on you, just to be sure. All right?"
Faith nodded. She tried to relax. She laid back on the bed. Rupert Giles.
There was still nothing, no associations. It was kind of a strange name. She
pulled harder, trying to find some crack in her mind where all her memories had
disappeared.
"Shh, there." Nurse Owens soothed the hair off her forehead.
"Don't try too hard to remember. Amnesia is common in coma patients, and
it's usually temporary. You'll be yourself in no time. Everything will be
fine."
Faith gave her a tentative smile. "Thank you," she said.
Nurse Owens smoothed the blankets one last time. "Sleep tight. Don't let
the bedbugs bite." She turned off the light and wheeled her cart back into
the hall.
Faith closed her eyes and listened to the rattle of the wheels for what felt
like a long time. Good hearing, or else she was imagining that she could still
hear it...the murmur of other people's voices...the shuffle of footsteps... The
weight of the hospital settled on her chest like chains holding her down.
She fell asleep and dreamed of escaping into the rain.
They let her eat soup the next morning. They'd taken the I.V. out of her arm,
and all the other tubes as well. The oxygen machine was pushed into a corner. An
orderly wheeled a cartful of trays into her room. He extended the table arm over
her lap and placed the bowl in front of her. She held the spoon easily. The
shakes in her fingers were gone. The broth was thick and warm and filling, but
tasteless. When the orderly returned, she asked him if Nurse Owens was there,
but he shook his head. "Late shift," he said, and offered her a
bedpan.
She grimaced. "No."
"You'll be able to walk soon enough, once you've had some physio. Then
we won't pamper you," he said, grinning. "Don't worry, I won't watch.
I'm a professional."
She cautiously returned his grin. Was that the kind of person she was? A
kidder? "Thanks. Not now."
"Okay." He pointed at the call button. "You can try the
nurse's station later, but they might be busy. Don't get too impatient."
She waited until he'd left, the door clicking behind him, and then she shoved
the blankets aside and swung her feet over the side of the bed. She didn't feel
weak. The pain was mostly gone, except when she stretched too far. She put her
weight on her feet. It was fine. She walked to her bathroom easily. She thought
it made sense that a person who hadn't moved from their bed in eight months
ought to need physiotherapy. Didn't muscles atrophy after that long a use it
or lose it kind of thing?
But she felt fine. Strong, even. She came back into the room and tried a few
warm-ups. Her body seemed to know what to do. She went through an entire routine
of stretches without thinking about it. When she finished, her body felt like it
was hers again. Nothing stiff or unnatural about it, not like when she'd woken
up yesterday. The quicker thump of her heart was gratifying. Her breath came
evenly. She made a fist and smiled at it. She flexed a bicep and felt it with
her opposite hand. Nice. Her whole body felt good, toned and hard. She was too
pale, but once she got out of the hospital, the sun would take care of that.
She hopped back on the bed. How long until that guy, Rupert Giles, came to
see her? She listened to the sound of people passing back and forth in front of
her door. If she concentrated, she could hear the drone of a television down at
one end of the hall, and call bells ringing at the nurse's station at the other
end. Wicked. She hadn't been imagining it. Her hearing really was that good.
And, if she knew her hearing was good, it meant she knew that other people
didn't hear as well as she did. Was that like a memory? She closed her eyes and
thought about it. She knew stuff...she knew lots of stuff. How to stretch enough
so that her muscles felt the pull, but not so much that she hurt herself. She
knew the orderly had spoken with an accent Texas. Screwing up her eyes, she
imagined a map of the country. Geography. She knew that.
But when she thought about anything to do with herself, there was nothing.
She knew her name and that she had no allergies. She knew she'd been in a car
accident on May 20, 1999. She counted the months. That meant it was February
2000, or close enough. She'd seen her chart and knew she'd missed a birthday
while she was unconscious. She was seventeen now. She knew that the guy whose
name she had was dead.
Rupert Giles. She knew nothing about him at all. Would she recognize him when
he walked into the room? Would she suddenly remember everything as soon as she
saw him?
Waiting was boring. She knew that, certainly. She sighed and kicked her legs.
The hospital gown was ugly and faded. Had they left her wearing the same one for
eight months? Her head itched and her hair was greasy. She picked up a hank of
it and studied the thick, black strands. Well, as long as she was meeting this
guy, she might as well look good, and maybe find something to do while she
waited.
She headed for the shower, stripping off the gown as she walked. She grinned
as she dropped it behind her on the floor. Obviously she didn't care too much
about showing off her body. She stared down at herself with a slight smile. She
ran her hands down her sides and then up to cup her breasts. Everything was in
the right place, that was sure. And in working order, she thought, when her
nipples stiffened. But there was something she moved her right hand over her
stomach, just under her ribs. There was a ridge of scarring there, puckered pink
against her pale skin. She moved closer to the mirror and watched her fingers
move over the bumps and roughness, then back onto smooth skin. It didn't hurt,
but it felt weird. As if it should hurt it should hurt forever. She
frowned at the girl in the mirror. She was a stranger. She didn't know anything.
In her dream about the knife, she'd been stabbed. Right there. Same place.
Who had done it? The person chasing her...
Impaled on debris in the accident, Nurse Owens had said. The dreams were part
of the coma. They didn't mean anything.
She ran the water as hot as she could stand it. The hospital had tiny bars of
soap and a shampoo dispenser on the wall, no conditioner. Still, it felt amazing
to be clean, even better than stretching. The towels were too small. She dried
herself on the top sheet of her bed. She made a face at the hospital gown, but
was all she had. She put it back on. Without a brush, she couldn't do anything
with her hair. She finger-combed it a bit, then tucked it behind her ears.
And again, she was left with nothing to do. Would stupid Rupert Giles never
get here? Long lost what? She tried to decide on a relationship. Relative?
Friend? She hesitated, then threw in lover? for good measure. Well,
anyway, when a long lost whoever wakes up from a coma, then you went to them
first thing. This was getting annoying. She paced around the room once and
thought again about just leaving. Running. But that was stupid. Like Nurse Owens
said, where would she run to? She didn't remember where she was or where she was
supposed to go.
Staying in the room for another five minutes, on the other hand, would drive
her stir-crazy.
The sound of the TV down the hall decided her. She left the sheets thrown
back on the bed and went to see what was on.
"Nurse, I must insist, this is urgent."
Faith glanced up for a moment as a middle-aged man in a too-big sweater and
khakis hurried by. He chased after a nurse, not paying attention to much else.
She turned back to the news she'd been watching. Now, at least, she knew where
Sunnydale was, and also what kind of weather to expect for the next week.
Shockingly enough, they were predicting sun.
Another group of people rushed past. Faith looked up again hopefully. Sooner
or later Rupert Giles had to show. That name was all she had to hold on to. She
was doing her best, but so far nobody had come asking for her. She watched the
group running down the hall. They were about her age. There was a guy with
floppy brown hair and two girls, a brunette clinging to the guy's arm and a
redhead in the world's ugliest skirt and blouse combination. Too young, she
decided. She glared at the old man half-asleep in his wheelchair. He was
drooling on the remote. She'd been waiting for him to nod off so that she could
grab it and channel surf to something more interesting than reruns of the Golden
Girls.
"The room is empty. I'm telling you, she's fled the country. That's what
felons do, isn't it?"
"Maybe you're right, Xander. It could be for the best. At least then we
wouldn't have to deal with her."
"Yes. Let the psychotic killer go murder foreigners. Meanwhile, Xander,
I think we should go back to your basement, so that we can light those candles I
bought and then have sex near them."
Faith gave a snort of laughter. She leaned her head back. The little group
was standing near the nurse's station. The brunette girl was fawning all over
the guy. He was shooting panicked looks at the redhead, and she was rolling her
eyes. Faith snickered to herself. This was better than anything the TV had to
offer.
"When did Buffy say she'd get here?" he asked.
"Right after her last class psychology."
The guy Xander nodded and glanced over his shoulder. "Do you
think she could be, you know lurking? Waiting to pounce? 'Cause I gotta say,
the pouncing did not go in my favor the last time. It was very 'Faster,
pussycat, kill, kill!'"
Red shook her head. "Nah, she's too dumb to lurk. It'd be, like, ooh,
I'm so cleavagey and slutty, I don't need a plan! I'm just gonna attack right
now!"
Faith laughed again. These people certainly had a way of expressing
themselves.
Who on earth could they be looking for? Another couple was approaching them,
some big lumbering football type and behind him, a blonde girl. Faith leaned
further back to get a better look at her. Something about her
Maybe this was someone she recognized. It felt like that. Like she knew
something about her. It was as if she had a word on the tip of her tongue and
couldn't quite remember it. She frowned and shook her head. How did she know the
blonde girl?
"Hey, Buffy," Xander said. "Are you bringing the whole
Initiative with you, or just Riley? 'Cause I'm thinking even you might need back
up on this one."
"She's gone?" Buffy asked. "It doesn't feel like it."
"You can sense her?" the football lunk asked. He looked down the
hall, his eyes passing over Faith. She turned away so that it wouldn't be
obvious that she was listening. "What does it feel like?"
"Yeah, Buff, spill. We want details," Xander said. His girlfriend
whacked him. "What?" he asked. "It's a psychological graduate
student thing, right, Riley? Research."
Before Xander could get hit again, the older man came back from the nurse's
station. He held a medical chart under one arm. He took off his glasses and
started cleaning them. "I'm afraid they don't know where she could have
gone. She ate breakfast in her room, but she is certainly not there now. The
nurse I spoke to was convinced she would be too weak to even get out of her bed
unassisted."
Buffy glared at him. Faith had to strain to hear what she said. "She's a
Slayer. Of course she's not too weak. She could be anywhere by now,
Giles!"
Giles.
Faith blinked. Rupert Giles had arrived at last. And that meant they were
looking for her.
Psychotic killer? Slayer?
Cleavagey and slutty?
The urge to run was coming back.
But Faith kept bumping into the same brick wall. Where would she run to? If
these people knew her, then maybe they could help her remember things. Like the
blonde girl, Buffy. She felt so familiar. It sort of tingled.
She took a deep breath. No matter what they thought of her, she had to do
something. They'd find her eventually. She stood up and headed down the hall.
She stared at Buffy. What was it about her? It was almost uncomfortable,
how strong it was. Tingly, and, well, strangely good.
Buffy had her arms crossed and was frowning at the floor. She shifted, like
she could feel it too. Then she looked up. Faith stopped. Buffy sure as hell
didn't look welcoming.
"You!" she said. She pushed through her friends.
"Yeah," Faith said, wondering what to expect. They might know her,
but it was clear they didn't like her. She really wanted to run. This was too
much like her dreams. Fear, mixed up with that low-down tickle. She flinched,
but she waited for Buffy to approach her. "Uh, hi," she said.
"You should have gotten out of Dodge while the getting was good,"
Buffy said.
Faith shrugged. The whole group surrounded her. Only Xander, Buffy, and the
redhead girl looked angry, though. The other two younger ones only seemed
curious. Rupert Giles was studying her carefully. "I didn't have anywhere
to go," she told him. He was the easiest one to explain it to. Wasn't he
her emergency contact?
"Did you think we were gonna go easy on you?" Red asked. "That
we'd just forget everything you did?"
"Well," Faith said, trying a smile, "I did." God,
what had she done? She fidgeted. Maybe this was why her body kept trying to run
away. It knew more than she did.
"Ha!" Xander pointed at her dramatically. "You still show no
remorse. A TV judge would so give you the smackdown for that."
"Xander." The older man, Giles, took his glasses off and glared.
"Before all of you get carried away, I believe she's speaking
literally." He settled his glasses on his nose again and lifted the chart.
"According to the nurse who phoned me, a preliminary analysis suggests that
Faith is suffering from complete retrograde amnesia."
"Isn't that convenient," Buffy said. She wasn't exactly
sneering, but Faith could hear it in her voice. Why did the only familiar person
in the world have to be such a bitch?
"Maybe we should phone the police," Red said. "Let them deal
with her."
"Why?" Faith asked. She tried frantically to remember the car
accident, or anything before she woke up yesterday. How did the police come into
it? "Did the guy who ran me over die or something?"
"Ran over?" Buffy laughed, but she didn't sound amused. "What
are you talking about?"
"The nurse told me that's how I got hurt." Faith lifted a hand to
her stomach. She could feel the scar through the thin material of the hospital
gown.
Buffy looked at the spot, then frowned and backed off. "Anyway, the
police won't be able to handle her."
"Nor is there, in fact, an outstanding warrant for her arrest,"
Giles said. "Or else it would be listed in her medical file, and she would
have been placed in a more secure ward. I believe the Mayor managed to bury all
reports of her involvement."
"The mayor...you mean Richard Wilkins?" Faith asked. "He was
my guardian." That only got her more glares. Shit, didn't they realize how
scary it was to stand around listening to people discussing her criminal past
when she didn't even know what she'd done? "You are Rupert Giles, aren't
you?"
"Yes."
"Then shouldn't you be taking care of me or something? The nurse said
you were my 'in case of emergency' guy." Everyone was staring at her. Faith
crossed her arms. It was getting cold in the hallway with just the stupid gown
on. "Listen, I don't know you, any of you, and I don't know whatever you
think I did. But I want to leave the hospital sometime, and they won't let me
unless you say so, 'cause I'm a minor. Can't you just, like, get me out of here,
then tell me what the hell is going on?"
Giles stuttered for a moment. He blinked at her, as if he'd just noticed that
she was only wearing the hospital gown. That, and how pale she was. "Well,
I suppose so," he said. "I'm sure we can get you discharged." He
smiled. It wasn't reassuring.
"And what, pray tell, will we do with her after that?" Xander
asked.
Faith glared at him. She didn't want him talking about her as if she wasn't
standing right in front of him. He flinched as if she'd leapt at him with a
knife. What was it with these people? Was there anything she could do to get a
straight answer out of them?
"Normally, I would suggest we contact the Council for
instructions," Giles answered, with a doubtful glance at Buffy. "But I
think we're agreed that their actions would most likely be..." He
hesitated, then made a chopping gesture. "...less than helpful."
"Yeah, and what if she's faking?" Red folded her arms and narrowed
her eyes at Faith. "We get all trusting and sympathetic, and then she
strikes."
Giles shifted a bit. He lifted a hand to rub the creases in his forehead.
"I hardly believe..."
"We can test that," Buffy interrupted.
Faith turned back to her. She'd felt the Buffy's eyes on her throughout the
conversation. It was worse than Red's anger, Giles' caution, Xander's fear, and
all the curious stares. She'd tried to ignore it, but she still felt that
maddening sense of familiarity. She hated it. Faith didn't want to know Buffy.
There was something frightening about her. Fear stabbed her like a knife each
time the blonde girl spoke.
Buffy prodded her backward a few steps. "Hit me."
Faith's mouth dropped open. That was the last thing she'd expected.
"What?"
"Go on, give me your best shot." Buffy brushed away Riley's
restraining hand and his warning mutter of "Buffy, maybe this isn't the
best idea..."
"Here? In the hallway?" Faith picked at the gown. "In
this?"
"Yeah, unless you're afraid." Buffy raised an eyebrow, but Faith
could only stare at her in confusion. "Show me what you remember."
"I don't remember anything," Faith said. She realized it wasn't
true the moment she spoke. Her brain refused to cooperate, but her body knew
things. Stretching. Strength.
How to run away.
Faith looked at her hands, then back at Buffy. Hit her? Faith curled a fist.
She felt a flash of memory. She had done this before. They had stood like this,
eye to eye, fighting, or competing, somehow
And how dare they come to the hospital and accuse her? They insulted her and
threatened her and refused to explain anything. What gave them the right to
judge her? She'd woken up from a coma and they treated her like she was an
inconvenience to be shoved back into a cage. Faith frowned and tightened her
fist. She knew how to do it correctly. She adjusted her fingers. Anger boiled in
her stomach. How dare they? How dare Buffy be so familiar, and scary, and cold,
and not tell her why?
Hit her?
That's what they expected. They wanted Faith to attack. She would prove them
right if she did. But Faith thought she remembered how to turn the tables. She
knew how to keep an opponent off guard. No, that was wrong. She didn't know.
But her body did.
Faith lunged.
Part 2
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