woW i had an incredible weekend. most of my senior class went on a retreat this weekend to a camp called forest glen out in the middle of nowhere (aka huntsville tx) i was so sure that this would be the most retarded weekend, but i must confess that it was probably the most fun i've had in a long time... every day there seemed to last forever, but in a good way... and at the end everyone asked "so what did you do there," and it was almost as though words failed to express it... it just doesn't sound the same when you say "i did a ropes course, and a trust fall, and climbed up a 23 foot pole only to jump off it, and then we got everyone over a 14 ft. wall, I learned rifelry, archery, and conoeing, and finally i climbed a 60 ft rock wall and repelled off" somehow the emotion and the pain and the unity gets lost in the simplicity of that defination... but it's still in my heart...
apriL 14 2002
sigH school starts tomorrow.... and it's almost over... i can honestly say that i cannot wait to get out of the harvest system... i can honestly say that i will never be more happy to leave a place... not that i haven't met great people there, and that i got the best i could have possibly gotten (sp?) from that school, but it's killing me to be there...
we went to third day last night! woo-hoo... actually the concert wasn't that great cause i didn't know hardly any of the songs, but the songs i know were fun...
now onto issues that have been running through my mind laetly... ok, so i don't even know how to say it, but am i alone, or does anyone else ever get the feeling that life is so terribly false??? so often i see people at their bad moments... so often i find that i myself am in a "bad moment"... but alot of times those "bad moments" are really me letting the way i truly feel inside explode... but then if i don't let them come out some way i feel as though i am putting on an act.... no! i almost always feels as though i'm putting on an act... am i alone?
marcH 17 2002
yoU know those candels that have fruit in them??? like a strawberry-scented candle with real strawberries? who ever thought of that? because it looks really pretty, then you burn it and it looks terribly disgusting.... oh well...
ok kristin and i decided that we'd eat healthy, and it started this whole trend at school... about five different girls now walk around eating celery and raisins... and today i had like a zillion little chocolate bars, a snickers... the other day i had mcdonalds and two donuts... ahhh, i'm setting such a bad example... but tomorrow! tomorrow i'll eat healty, i promise!!! you know, i always forget how i put the date on here... it's not complicated, i just forget...
mjarcH 11 2002
todaY was such a cool day and i didn't really do anything at all... the funnest part was playing mini football with aaron, jamie, and kristin... and the weather was so gorgeous! i guess i've just been so stressed lately, that it felt good to know that i could act like a moron and run around in a big grassy field with my friends without anyone telling me i'm retarded... of course the running hurt, so i couldn't do that much of it... *sigh* running seems hopelessly and forever out of the picture for me.... WHY WHY WHY GOD? do you know what hurts so bad??? that i could work for three years and give my absolute best every practice and every meet until there were times i couldn't walk afterwards, and there were times i threw-up afterwards, and there were times that they had to carry me over to the boxes to get my medals... there were times that all i could think was track, and all night long i was running the 400 in 63 seconds, and the 200 in 27 seconds... and there were times i hurt and cried, and did it anyway, until i have 30-some medals from last year alone... and what hurts isn't that i left everything on the track, that's honorable, what hurts is that i'm accused of being lazy and apathetic because i can no longer physically do what i passionately love to do. oh it kills. pierces to the heart. two cortizome shots won't do it... a million cortizome shots couldn't do it... only surgery would do it... and yet i'm lazy... somedays i wake up and can't walk at all because it hurts, and some days i forget about it until night-time but always, ALWAYS i wish i could run.
BUT becuase i did it for the lord and not for man, i'm satisfied. ha. we always prayed before a meet and before a relay, and the prayer always said something about giving god the glory... and yet i see now that i never did that until recentally... because until recentally (ok so that's spelled wrong, but it has character right?!) it was my glory, and my medal, and now that i have nothing more to "give" god off that track, i find i'm able to give him those medals, and the honor for them alot easier.
nothing that has not died, can ever be raised form the dead...
c.s. lewis
marcH 9 2002
jamiE is here... hooray!!! littlefoot is whining at the door, 5-minute seperation anxiety. i got a shot today for my ankle.... DEAR GOD!!!! why didn't anyone tell me it would hurt so freaking bad???? they stuck all this nasty crap in it and it got all swollen and then it started cramping while I was driving and i almost got in a wreck, i swear... it hurt... the worst part is i get home and my mom says... "yeah, i knew it would hurt, i just didn't tell cause i knew you'd whine!" (jamie says this means she does love me... he's so weird!) anyway, i'm ruining this for him... and he's ripping my pants (off... but he says's "babe!!!! no!!!"... and he seems to be focusing on the word BUTT, right now. man, them youth pastors, you just gotta watch them...) right now... lol... phone call means goodbye! phone call.
p.s. i'm just messing with you, jamie's being a good boy, i'm just trying to make him look bad!!! love ya jamieeee!
januarY 29 2002
I absolutley love harvest... oh man, this cracks me up... this is the second time thst i've heard about someone at the school asking if i was pregnant because i've "been sick alot"... hahahaha... ha... my body is no longer responding to my allergy medication so i've have massive colds lately and terrible migranes... hahaha... i didn't know that colds were a sign of pregnancy, guess i'll have to watch for that one... gee i love dumb people!!!! but anyway we gotta keep going on with the show.
welcome back jamie, i totally missed you this weekend!!!
welp guys i would like to say more, but, geez, i've been saying alot this weekend and i'm running out of words.
januarY 27 2002
todaY was the hardest day i can remember since the day ryan and i broke up. (march 3rd i believe... but no one cares about specific dates anyway, right?). jamie was out of town and i needed him so badly. when he called i couldn't even talk... just hearing the concern in his voice stung my ripped-up heart... but like medicine that hurts and yet is also soothing, his words helped ease the ache. what am i to do. when you feel like the whole world is against you it's hard to remember that God works in mysterious ways... but i did remember, and i told myself that none of this crap would get the better of me... and so i didn't let it.
it makes me angry, and yet it also makes me sad. my mind constantly starts sentences with the words, "i thought..." and then i can't finish becuase it hurts too much... "i thought we were friends... i never thought this would happen... i thought if you stood by someone through thick and thin, then they too would stand by you... i thought we were friends." a special thanks here goes out to kristin, who took me out to see a movie (which we absolutely loved, and we cried through the whole thing!!! "oh landen!!!!") and we ate dinner, and we saw two deer (or is it deers?), and we cracked up the whole time (when we weren't crying!) and made like one million inside jokes... (why are you talking about landen? his name is CHARLIE!!!) thank you thank you thank you kristin (et. all) i needed that reminder that good does exist still and is possibly within my reach.
"...and how many times have your friends let you down? is anybody out there? does anybody care?"
januarY 26, 2002
theY were wrong. the mri wasn't negative like they told us at first. there's someting there... a "benign blah-blah-blah defect" the big words they used to describe it meant that they didn't know what it was (at least that's what my mom said), but that it was probably one of two things. either a small calcium deposit, or a small tumor. "but don't worry, it's benign." how can i not worry? if i have one there isn't it possible to have one somewhere else? they would have never known it was there if it hadn't been ripping my ankle up. what if i have more of these things in other places? don't you dare tell me i'm being paranoid. it isn't you. if it was you, how would you feel when someone brushed aside your fears? who cares if it's childish, the fear is all my own and no one but me faces it at night when it tells me i'll never run the 400 again... you don't hear it, only i do.
jamie is gone for the weekend... too bad too cause he's the only one who reads this page (hey babe, love ya)
p.s. the job thing is ok... i mean, it's not ok, but it will be ok... we'll cry and pray and we'll get through it. i know it.
januarY 25, 2002
januarY the twelth I got an mri... they are really actually as totally strange as they look on t.v., and in movies. only in the movies they never show how loud those things get. the sounds kinda put you asleep until another starts suddenly and scares the crap out of you, but you're not supposed to move. and it was cold. i'm not sure why it has to be cold, but my mom said it just did. you look up and there's the machine only inches from your face... they put a cloth over my eyes so i couldn't see, but i could see through the part right by my nose. afterward my mom and jamie took me to eat... but it was still weird. it was like going into your coffin, hanging out for awhile to get a feel for it, and then having them roll you out and take you to lunch. it was just kinda sudden. but the results are back and they are negative... yeah!!! i almost feel like it was a waste of money... but then, what if the chips had been there??? i know i shouldn't feel guilty, because it's not my fault, but i can't help but feel a little bit wrong about the whole thing. can't we get a refund or something??? i wish.
NOOO... emergency entry!!!! jamie just called and he had his meeting tonight discussing whether he got his raise or not, and he was upset.... NOOO.... that means, i mean I THINK that means that he didn't get it, which means.... well alot of things.... alot of very complicated things.... trust god. isn't he jamie's boss?
januarY 16, 2002
therEare three main ligaments on the outer side of the human foot. i have completely snapped off one and another is ripping. I have to get an MRI within the next few weeks which will determine whether surgery is necessary... why??? i don't understand this crap. why is it happening to me
alot of people seem to think that by getting married i'm throwing away my freedom.. so to all of you who have questions, let me say this... i have never been more free in life than i am now. i am not losing freedom, i'm gaining independence. so i'm going to miss a few college keg parties, oh well. that's not freedom. that's definately not living life to its fullest. people ask why it has to be so soon... but we have a 10 month long engagement, and anyways, why not now? why should i wait any longer when i have love right here staring me in the face? this is all i need, and this is what God is telling me. july 4th... independence day 2002.
januarY 03, 2002
hoW can there be so many different types of love? it just dosen't make logical sense to me. how can i love someone with all my heart, lose them, love someone else with all my heart, and have it be totally different? how can it take up different sections of my heart and change the prespective of everything? i fell in love with the guy i'm gonna marry after we got engaged. is that weird? it's not that i didn't love him before, but i wasn't captured. and now. i am. but still, it's different... and so which love was true? that other one, it failed, but not because of me or him, just because... and do you know, to think about it still hurts, and i'm getting married in seven months. but do you also know that i never knew i loved him until i lost him. does love have to be like that? i say no. i like this new love better.
decembeR 26, 2001
don'T you love christmas? i guess there's just something cool in finding the perfect present for someone. just knowing they'll smile when they get it or even crack up laughing at an inside joke that is only between you two. it's even worth the fourty-five minute drive to a mall that's fifteen minutes away. with all my grinch-like attitdue, every now and then just meditating on the words to some of those ancient carols makes me feel all tingly inside like something about the crazy story of a virgin having a baby might actually be true. and something inside me leaps and hopes it's true, hopes we can trust this God, hopes we can believe this crazy crazy story. because somehow among immaculate conception and angels in the sky, there is life.
decembeR 23, 2001
whY is it that when you finally think you are doing things right that you find out, NO! you've been doing them wrong the whole time??? or that when you finally think you've found a way to appease someone they blow up at you??? i am so frustrated with everything lately... and all i want to do is to be at peace with everyone... i have nothing agaist anyone... and everyone seems to have issues with me... what have i done??? or perhaps the better question is what will i do...
decembeR 11, 2001
decembeR 12, 2001
doeS it ever stop raining in pasadena??? i guess not. good news my ankle isn't broken... bad news... there's still something horribly worng with it... an mri may be in order, but the worst part for me is thinking about not running track this year... giving up basketball was hard enough, but track??? track is what i love... i dream my race during track season... i know my race so well i don't even have to think about it, i just run... i don't want to give it up. it's part of me... i'm alive when i run... and i don't want to give it up for anything... why is this happening???
decembeR 13, 2001