We all look stupid from time to time - some, for sure, more than others - but us everyday folk don't usualy have a camera jammed under our noses to capture the moment. The rich and famous do, and are also notoriously easy targets. So, gather with us and take the piss from those who strive only to entertain us. And make easy millions.
Send any pictures, suggestions and requests to Uther or Sparrow - Celebrity Gurning needs You.
Updated - 11/11/01
ALL SAINTS
Alternately soft'n'breathy
and raucous'n'shouty as the market demands, the All Saints are every marketing mans dream. A few of them were in a shit movie a year or so back, which Shaznay wisely avoided. We like Shaznay. The other All Saints? We piss on their arses.
Four-Way Multi-Mong, with Pants Drop
ALYSON HANGINGNGH...
Buffy's little mate. You know, the cute one. Her.
Twist-face and action figure combo
Mild, yet unrepentant foolishness
ANNA KOURNIKOVA
She's young, pretty, and plays tennis in short skirts. Good for her. She may be Russian. She may not be Russian. This is the sum total of our Kornikova Knowledge.
Sudden Attack of Wind/Fear and Mild Confusuion
Giving Head to the Invisible Man
Hulk Mong
Terror, with Shades of Unexpected Proctology
BOB MONKHOUSE
Ah, Bob. The long-standing champion of the BBC. The teller of awesomely unfunny jokes. The man cast sadly adrift from the ever moving shore of contemporary culture. The bloke even more hate-inspiring and obnoxious than Paul Daniels. Ah, Bob. How we love you so.
Fear and Confusion Giving Way to Gentle Panic
BRITNEY SPEARS
Britney is truly the Goddess of Gurning. The rubber faced, rubber titted slattern keeps children and retards alike agog with her monkey-faced stylings. God bless this media foisted virginial slut queen, and long may she adorn our T.V. screens. And newspapers. And radio. And other popular media. Everywhere.
Jaw Jut with Pout and Eye Bulge
Mong Faced Confusion
Constipation
Pre-Sneeze Sadness
Fear & Confusion/Sudden & Unexpectecd Rectal Penetration
Slack-Jawed Mong-Face, with Fucking Stupid Spectacles
Rectal Prolapse Live On Stage
CAT DEELY
Squeaky, bouncy, hi-energy presenter type lady. Has a face and knows how to contort it. Will undoubtedly end up in porn or on Challenge TV with Andy Crane. Poor old Cat. You can insert a cat/pussy joke here if you really feel it's necessary.
Mong with undertones of Possible Violence
Cadbury's Flake D.T.
CERYS MATTHEWS
Well Wonderous Wild Welsh Wonder Woman With Warm Well Worn Wellies. Actually, that last bit was a lie, but we had a "W" thing going on, and it never pays to interupt one of those.
Yell/Desperate Request for Toilet Access
CHARLES WINDSOR
Oh Prince Charles, how the public abandons you. True, your adultery was no worse than that of your wife, but she was much more attractive than you, so the media made her into a messiah and you into a sin-eater. Poor, poor Charles. Do a Tibet, Charles - we'll be right behind you. You don't need them - they're only holding you back. Kill. KILL. KILL..
Longing For Times Gone By/Wind in Eyes
DANIELLA WESTBROOK
There are some shots that are too cheap to make. Or so we've been told. But if you're going to chemically dissolve part of your face, you really are asking for it.
Septum-ber Blues
DAVID JASON
Beloved by pensioners and the emotionaly infirm, David devotes his screen time to promoting a rose-tinted, outdated and innacurate portrayal of our foul and wonderous country, deluding pensioners and tempting illegal immigrants. His shed houses the countries largest sematic collection.
Drunk and Farting
Drunk, and Impersonating Einstien
JANE MIDDLEMISS
Better looking than Hufty, but not as cute as Donna Air, Jane occupies the middle ground in the Attractive Geordie Woman League. But here? Here we crown her as the Gurning Geordie Queen.
Total Confusion while maintaining a Cute and Pretty Aspect
Double Handed Head Grasp/Steptoe Face Combo
KATIE HILL
Many an adolescent lad, setting sail in the good ship Masturbation made the crumple faced, gypsy-eyed, broad shouldered Blue Peter girl their first port of call. Us? We wouldn't deign to comment.
Face Crumple with Chin Support
Mong Facedness in Motion
Crumple-Faced Yell (Side-Saddle)
KONNIE HUQ
I never really liked Katie Hill much. Konnie, the beautiful, peitie slightly patronising Asian princess was always the Blue Peter girl for me. Not, of course, that you give a shit, but I've got to write something here or the page will look all irregular and wanky. And now my work is done.
Inflated Face with Shades of Constipation and Bow-Tie
MELANIE "SPORTY" CHISHOLM
Good old Mel C. By far the least irritating of the Spice Girls, and the only one I'd share a bag of chips with. Although I might let Mel B have some of my batter.
Bunny In The Headlights
MICHEALA STRACHAN
Mmm. Throbbing memories of the Really Wild Show...
Total Lack of Muscle Control
PATRICK MOORE
We love Patrick. He wears a gurn as his natural expression. You may remember him from such things as Gamesmaster, Xylophones Great and Small, The Sky at Night, and Anal Power (volume 12). And we didn't even make that last one up...
Frown/Leer coupled with Slight Unbalance, Monocle and Wind-Swept Hair
Slight Frown coupled with Natural Face-Sag
PATSY PALMER
Loveable screechy ex-Eastenders red-head. Looks like she might be able to do some "damage" in a "tight corner"..
Sudden and Fearful Realisation of Pregnancy
Drunk, and Spoiling for a Fight
Arse-nipping Terror
QUEEN, ENGLAND, OF
Old Bessy. What does she do, exactly?.
Septum Checking
RONNIE BARKER
Highly adaptable, highly talented comedic actor. Porridge and Open All Hours are classics. But the Two Ronnies was shite. Or maybe it's just dated real bad. After all, who the are we to judge, and just who the hell do we think we are anyway?
Discovery of Piss in Tea
SAMANTHA JANUS
I don't really know much about Sam Janus, except that she was in a half decent sit-com a few years back, and that she almost certainly got the piss taken out of her at school. Maybe that's what spurred her on to fame and success, like Louise Nurding and Thomas Crapper.
Mong-In-Shirt-And-Tie (AKA Formal Mong)
TARA PALMER-TOMPKINSON
Oh, Tara, how we hated you and your over-privileged, undeserved lifestyle. Then you appeared on Frank Skinners talk show while ripped to the tits, and we recognised you as one of our own, and heaped our love upon you. We're so fickle.
The Two-Drink Mega Mong
TINA TURNER
Wobbly lipped Acid Queen, mother of Voodoo. How old is she, now? Lenny Henry impersonated her once. We added it to the list of reasons why we hate him. Was it Tina Turner who attacked a woman at an airport a few years back, or was that Joan Collins?
Pre-Emptive Sneezing
