Deadtime Stories

A little kid wants his uncle to read him a few stories before he goes to sleep. There are three fairy tales told with screwed up bloody endings. The first two stories were pretty dull and lackluster, and the last one wasn't that great either, but it was entertaining to see Goldi Lox as a psycho killer. If you want movies that tell multiple tales, I suggest Creepshow . 1.5 out of 5.

Characters:

• Brian: Little boy who wants his uncle to read him some scary stories before he goes to sleep. Thinks there is a monster in his room. Silly little ki... OH SHIT!
• Uncle Mike: Gets irritated by Brian's need for stories, but tells them anyway.
• Peter: An assistant to a couple of witches. Eventually turns against them.
• Marie: The chick that the witches abduct to use for a sacrifice.
• Elsa and... Elsa's sister: A couple of witches running amuck killing priests and such. Killed by Peter.
• Rachel (Red Riding Hood): Jogs in a red sweatshirt on the way to bring Grandma her medication. In this version, she takes a detour for sex.
• Willie: Werewolf who supresses his changing by taking sleeping pills. When he can't find his pills, he turns and starts munching.
• Grandma: Gets munched on and there is no hunter with an axe to save her in this story.
• Goldi Lox: Think an evil horny version of Carrie. Meets up the the Baer family.
• Beresford 'Papa' Baer, Judith 'MaMa' Baer, & Wilmont 'Baby' Baer: Escapeed from the loonie bin the killer family is on the run when they meet up with Goldie, and they get along just fine.

The Totals:

• Body Count: 13, plus a house full of corpses.
• Weapons Used: Fire, a knife, eyes, a sword, a pie knife, a car, a fence post, and a tree.
• Breast Shots: 1
• Moments where characters are mysteriously unable to run from certain death: 0
• Ominous thunderstorms: 0
• Explosions: 0

Random Thoughts and Things Learned

• There is nothing quite like a nursery rhyme to 80's music.
• Adult slugs are too chewy.
• From English countryside to porno in 3.2 seconds.
• Spell books always rhyme.
• Your reflection is sometimes a porn star.
• Werewolves only weaknesses are silver bullets... and cake knives.
• Bank robbing is more honorable than welfare.
• Orgasims can make the ground shake.