Lair of the White Worm (1988)

A skull of an ancient giant worm is found and soon a vampire-snake woman is trying to sacrifice a virgin while a Scottsman battles her with bagpipes and a mongoose. Oh yeah, and Hugh Grant is sliceing people in half with a big sword! Interested?! Confused?! And just think, I haven't even mentioned the scene where a giant white worm attacks Jesus while Romans rape nuns! A very odd movie, but interesting enough to keep my attention. A little gore, but not many bodies. 3 out of 5.

Characters:

• Angus: Scottish man who discovers the bones of an ancient worm thing. Ends up fighting vampires in a kilt while bing hit with a mongoose carcass.
• Lord James D'Ampton: (Hugh Grant!) Rich guy who is the ancestor of the people who originally slew the giant worm.
• Mary: Woman who runs the local inn and lives on the site where the worm skull was found.
• Lady Sylvia: Half woman and half snake. She was pretty hot until she turned blue for some reason. Hands chopped off and she becomes worm food. (Ha ha, that was a pun.)
• Eve: Mary's siter who play the dansil in distress for a good part of the movie. Somehow she's still a virgin. I guess Hugh wasn't too charming after all.
• Erny: Goofy looking cop and a friend of the family. There's something really odd about how he looks, I just can't put my finger on it. Gets turned into a vampire thing and head implaled on a statue.
• Peters: James's butler who get's killed.
• Kevin: Some random scout or something who is hitchhiking in the rain. WHo knows. He gets seduced by Sylvia and drowned in a hot tub.

The Totals:

• Body Count: 6
• Weapons Used: Water, a sword, a statue, bagpipes, a dead mongoose and a dagger.
• Breast Shots: 3
• Moments where characters are mysteriously unable to run from certain death: 1
• Ominous thunderstorms: 1
• Explosions: 1
• Scenes with a giant white worm attacking Jesus while Romans rape nuns: 1

Random Thoughts and Things Learned

• Snakes don't sting.
• Harmonica music does strange things to women.
• Stewardess fight!
• That's one huge strap-on!
• If we learned anything form Braveheart, it's not to fuck with a Scottish man in a kilt!