Spookies

A group of teens (?) discover an old mansion and decide to party. Soon, the undead shit hits the fan, and all kinds of monsters start poping up and offing the uninvited guests. Sadly the monsters were autistic or something, because they didn't kill fast enough to hold any real intrest. The entire movie moved like a old man's bowel movement. Slow and stinky. And As sad as it is to admit; I was a bit confused. Pity me, and any other sap who has seen this. 1 out of 5.

Characters:

• Kreon: Old dude that looks like The Tall Man from Phantasm, but not near as cool or intimidating.
• Kreon's Servant: Looks like a reject from the play Cats.
• Billy: Run away brat who comes across the haunted house. Spends his lasy birthday being slashed and buried alive.
• Isabelle: Chic who Kreon preserves and bring back to life. She's not real crazy about the whole thing.
• Korda: Son of Kreon & Isabelle and is kinda disturbed.
• Peter & Meegan: Older and more boreing couple who live until then end and hten get killed by bad special effects.
• Duke: Asshole who's always picking a fight with someone. Gets beheaded by the Grim Reaper.
• Carol: Really gets into the whole Ouija board thing and then turns into a demon thing.
• Linda: Dukes woman who wears way too much make-up. Also killed by bad special effects.
• Rich: Weird dude who has a hand puppet and a t-shirt with his own picture on it. Killed by a spider woman thing.
• Adrienne: Pushy bitch, but she does have a hot accent. Face melted off.
• Dave: Adrienne's man who lets her push him around way too much. Gets nibbled on by a puppet thing.
• Lewis: Poor bastard gets pulled into a grave early on.

The Totals:

• Body Count: 11
• Weapons Used: A bottle, a bookshelf, a gameboard, wine, a fire poker, a vase, a dresser, a reaper, and a ring.
• Breast Shots: 0
• Moments where characters are mysteriously unable to run from certain death: 1
• Ominous thunderstorms: 1
• Explosions: 1

Random Thoughts and Things Learned

• Severed heads make poor gifts.
• Are those monsters farting?
• Never follow a strange woman into a room filled with giant spider webs.
• Grim reapers explode if they fall down.
• Undead people use voice boxes.
• Some people are buried in flannel and t-shirts.