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The 12 Steps from a Buddhist Perspective
Taking Refuge as a Higher Power
Replacing Shoulds with Healthier Self-Talk
Handling Others' Projections of Character Defects We Actually Have
The Unbearable Cuteness of Consumer Addiction
Being the Best versus Doing my Best
Should I Be Ashamed of Myself? Powerlessness and Unmanageability as Manipulation
Moral Inventory with Self-Love
The Process of Awakening to a Non-Defensive Self
Or, False Apologies versus Boundary Setting
In Step Nine, we make amends to those we have harmed. And in Step 10, if, in the course of taking continuous inventory, we realize we are wrong, we promptly admit it. In cases where it is both possible and safe for all parties to make direct amends, apology is usually in order. Many times, however, we have wronged people to get even with or punish them for recurrent wrongs that we think (sometimes correctly) that they have done us. How do we truly and sincerely apologize for and amend these self-righteous or self-pitying attempts at justice?
One of the better-known forms of false apology is the abuse of the rejoinder, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Abusing this statement occurs when we do not feel compassion or empathy for the impact our actions have had on another, but merely regret that we did not get away with our actions, whether or not we anticipated the negative consequences they would have. Addicts use this to rationalize the codependent’s frustration over the addict’s behavior as the codependent’s problem, not theirs; codependents use this to invalidate the addict’s feelings and justify further attempts to control the addict.
Other false apologies go further, casting oneself as the victim of others or one’s own uncontrollable impulses. The underlying message is I am not responsible. This is a confusion of responsibility for our actions with responsibility for the feelings of the person to whom we are apologizing:
I am sorry that I did B, but I react poorly whenever somebody does A.
I am sorry that I did B, but that’s what I do whenever somebody does A.
I am sorry for doing B; I just can’t help myself when somebody does A.
The false apology “I’m sorry you feel that way” also says we are not responsible, but confuses responsibility for our feelings with responsibility for the other person’s feelings by denying the reality of the former and the validity of the latter. “I can’t help doing B when someone does A” is the logical extension of faking compassion and accusing a person in pain of having an inappropriate response to our actions by denying responsibility for our part in everything, the whole situation.
This is apology in the sense of explanation or rationalization:
(Sorry, but…) If you hadn’t done A, I would not have done B.
This is using apology as threat or manipulation:
(Sorry, but…) Don’t do A anymore, and I won’t do B.
By contrast, we can make amends for harm done by setting appropriate boundaries with others. We can also offer others the opportunity to make amends with us by clearly stating and asking them to honor our own boundaries:
The next time you do A, I will do C.
Would you be willing to do D when I do C?
C should be a boundary-protecting action that does not punish, blame, shame, or humiliate the person who does A. D should be a specific, positively-stated action. C and D may involve addressing a question with thoughtful consideration of what one really wants from another person when one is doing A.
If you do D (example: sincerely request what you really want), I will acknowledge and honor your effort by doing E.
E should be some kind of logical consequence of D, not an arbitrary “reward.” (For example, responding to a sincere request within the limits of our ability and conscience.)
If you continue to do A, and continue to be unwilling to do D, I will do F.
F should be a stronger boundary-protecting action involving separation in distance, time, or communication that gets us away from behavior A without creating severe stress or inconvenience in our own lives. Therefore, F should be enforceable regardless of the actions of the others in our lives.
D has to be a choice, so we need to let go of the outcome of our request for D, willing to carry through with response F if the person continues to do behavior A and not D. If we cannot follow through with response F, we were probably counting on the other person to change so that we wouldn’t actually have to do what we said. We may want to think about why we don’t really want to do F: maybe our gut tells us that F was intended to shame or punish the other, or maybe F involves overcoming some dependency or fear on our part that we don’t feel ready to deal with. Maybe we need to come up with a healthier response, G.
If we cannot let go of the outcome, we need to admit that we have behaved in a manipulative and controlling manner that disempowers both ourselves and the other person, and make amends for that where safe and possible. In this way, we can take responsibility for our own feelings and actions but avoid hindering others from taking responsibility for theirs, creating a win-win situation.
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