rambling of the mara kind...

From 2/28/01 at 9am

Maybe it would pay off to actually go to school ...
Oh, and try to do work. (hah.)

Do your homework.

Procrastinate. Alot.

...If you shake your head, they twinkle!

School is nothing more than a social contest to see who is better than who. Teaching is fascist, and I don't learn anything interesting, anyway. *sigh*

Note to self: Go to school 5 days a week.

Take 2 Paxil and 4 Wellbutrin just to see hallucinations and have mini seizures for 3 days.

Pretend that you're recovering and get out of intensive therapy, then jump back into your old habits.

Drink 2 bottles of Delsym just to be confucked for 2 days.

Rebel.

Note to self: Get 3 hours of sleep a night and feign sickness then sit up all day and write useless shit.

Go to this mental note page...tis quite interesting. The url is https://www.angelfire.com/indie/panik/ and go to the ~reminders~ page when ur there.



July 6, 2001-

time for marz to babble incoherently again because she has nobody to talk to online or on the phone because it's too fucking early in the morning and she don't know why she's awake ...what the hell.
Why couldn't I have gotten up early during the school year instead of the summer when i'm actually ALLOWED to sleep in??!?? Fuck it. School sucked. Sophomore year sucked. Voorhees SUCKS. bah...someone shoot me, please.
Back in April of 2000 (april 12 to be exact), I tried to kill myself with a bunch of pills (various over-the-counter types and a few of my moms fun sleeping pills) and back then i don't know if i wanted to die or not...I do know that from December 2000 up till late March/mid April 2001 I wish i had killed myself because enduring all the pain was just too much. I was emotionally crippled ...Enough of looking back at the past. Like i'm told..forget it and focus on your future. WHAT FUTURE? I don't think i have one yet...I'm working on it though.
The ultimate goal of mine is to be a famous author. I'm a writer at heart and always will be. No matter what i have to say, it's tough saying it in person, it always comes out better written, for me anyway.
O well, screw it...I'm going to bed.
By the way, Linkin Park is cool. I'm going to marry Chester, he's HOOT (lol) but not as hot as my boyfriend. Yeah yeah baby. "crawwwling in my skiiin....these woundds they will not heaaallll.....fear is how i fallll..confusing what is reall....."
PEACE. haha.



August 1, 2001
Lyrical Rambling

"...i love u always forever near and far closer together everywhere i will be with u everything i will do for you...
say ul love, love me forever never stop never whenever near and far and always and everywhere and everything..." Donna Lewis "I Love You Always Forever"

"Now i'm sent to outer space, to find another happy place, now i'm left here all alone, million miles away from home...floating thru the galaxy all the stars in front of me, now i'm left here all alone, a million miles away from home..." Dune - "million miles away from home"

"so tonight so i lied are u the now or never kind? in a day in a day im gonna be gone for good again, r u willing to be had r u cool with just tonight? here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well...here's to the nights we felt alive, here's to the tears you know you'd cry...here's to goodbye tomorrow's gone i come too soon...
put your name on the line, alone with place and time...wanna stay not to go i wanna ditch the logical, here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well..." Eve 6 - "Heres to the night"

"when i think back on these times, and the dreams we left behind...i'll be glad cuz i was blessed to get, to have you in my life...when i look back on these days, i look and see your face, u were right there for me...
in my dreams i'll always see u soar above the sky, in my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life, i'll keep a part of you with me, and everywhere i am there you'll be...
well u showed me how it feels, to feel the sky within my reach and i always will remember all the strength you gave to me..
you're love made me make it through, i owe so much to you...you were right there for me...in my dreams ill always see u soar above the sky, in my heart there'll always be a place for u for all my life...il keep a part of you with me, and everywhere i am there you'll be...
cuz i always saw in u my light, my strength...and i wanna thank u for all the ways, you were right there for me..." Faith Hill - "There You'll Be"

"im only happy when it rains...i'm only happy when its complicated...and tho i know u can't appreciate it, i'm only happy when it rains...
u know i love it when the music's bad, why i feel so good but feel so sad, i' only happy when it rains...pour your misery down on me...
im only happy when it rains...feel good when things r goin wrong, i only listen to the sad sad song, im only happy when it rains...
i only smile in the dark, my only comfort is the night gone black...u'll get the message by the time i'm thru when i complain about me and u...
i'm only happy when it rains, u wanna hear about my new obsession im riding high upon a deep depression..." Garbage - "I'm Only Happy When It Rains"

"...cut my tongue out, i've been called out, like a giant ....happy hours, golden showers on a cruise to freak u out, we can fly out, helicopter, nothing left to talk about, entertain u, celebrate u ill be back to frame u when i grow up ill be stable....when i grow up i'll turn the tables...
tryin to hard to fit among u, floating out to wonderland, unprotected god i'm pregnant damn the consequences when i grow up i'll be stable...when i grow up i'll turn the tables...
blood and blisters, on my fingers, chaos rules when we're apart, watch my temper, i go mental i'll try to be gentle when i grow up, i'll be stable...when i grow up i'll turn the tables...
don't take offense gotta make amends rip it all to shreds and let it go..." Garbage - "When I Grow Up"

"o make me over...i'm all i wanna be...a walking study...i'm demonology...yeaaaah so glad you could make it yeaah now u really made it heeey so glad you could make it noow...
o look at my face...my name is might have been, ur name is never was, my name's forgotten..heeey so glad you could make it yeah now ur eally made it ....
when i wake up, in my makeup, it's too early for that dress, wilted and faded somewhere in hollywood im glad i came here with ur pound of flesh, wish i could feel it cuz ur a star now, o cinderella they are sluts like u, beautiful garbage, beautiful dressed, o will u stand up or will u just fall down?
u better watch out, for what u wish for...so much to die for...
when iw ake up in my makeup have u ever felt so used up as this, its all so sugarless, hooker waitress model actress oh jsut go nameless honkeysuckle its full of poision she obliterated everything she kissed now she's fading somewhere in hollywood im glad i came here with ur pound of flesh...u wanna part of me...well i'm not selling cheap, no i'm not selling cheap" Hole - "Celebrity Skin"



Afraid
By Tamara
July 6, 2001
2:50PM

Staring at the blank, white wall, I blink as a salty tear rolls down my cheek and splashes onto the tile floor. My body aches, and I wish I was anywhere but here. I sit still, listening to the silence of my room and let my mind wander to those dark recesses where my fears lay.
Rejection, loneliness, and being broken-hearted are what I fear most. I feel like I've been used my whole life, and then tossed aside and looked down upon like a child's plaything that they have lost interest in. I'm afraid of being alone in this big world that I know nothing about, and having to spend the rest of my life in horrid solitude, wishing my life was different and living in regret.
...unfinished...




~*There's No Place Like Home*~