Dearest Petulia~
My love, war has taken it's toll on me, and then some. The Turks have taken over most of Europe, but still I fight. With you in my heart I shall never fall! I have met a kindred soul here, his name is Jared, he reminds me much of my dead brother. Well love I must go, until next time. Ta ta!
My dearest beloved Clifford~
I am saddened by your letter, I wish I could be near enough to clutch you to my bosom and console you. I am heartned by your mention of your new friendship. Your mother visited yesterday and brought some of her homemade rhubarb preserves, I shall save them until you return! We are so proud of your valiant efforts. I have nearly finished the quilt for your sister. It took a strange turn and now has a star motif, I hope she finds it suitable.
P.S. Your dog died, I am so sorry.
Petulia~
Cliffy Junior is dead?! This saddens me so. Jared also weeps for my loss. Speaking of Jared dear... I must be honest with you, he and I have become well more than friends, and I have changed my name to Da'shan. At first I thought I was merely substituting him for you, but now I know that well, quite frankley my dear, he is a better lover.
Da'Shan~
I am shocked and awed of your frankness! This is wonderful news! As it so happens your sister and I have come to the same conclusion! We have been intimate since the day after you left and she is a far better lover than you! As for Cliffy Junior, he was trampled by the horse that we were making love on. It was a freak accident, but I never liked that dog. On a happier note, your brother isn't dead! They shipped him home in a pine coffin but they had to let him out just before the funeral. Your mother had a heart attack from frieght and she stepped on the cat. Mom is fine, but Fluffy is dead, I am sorry.
You wenching harlott!
You killed my dog while sinning with my sister!!! And at such a sad time! Jared was killed in battle, he fell over a rabbit hole and the rabbits killed him. They were quite offended I suppose. Now back to you harlotry with my sister, I demand it stop this moment! You are my wife and thus my property, tis law! I have changed my name back to Clifford the Just, maybe now you will learn your place. I know my brother is alive, he wrote me shortly before you did. I wrote him back asking him to make sure my sister keeps her hands off you and vice versa.
My dearest Clifford~
I know not of what you speak. I have never sinned with your sister! Whever would you get such a horrible and ungodly nottion? I am sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. I have been busy with your ailing mother so I have been unable to write since your letter regarding your making his aquaintince. I am glad you heard of your brothers miraculous survival. I wanted to tell you myself but have been unable to write. And what do you mean you changed your name back? I am very confused and sorely hurt by you accusations. However I remain always and forever your loving and humble wife.
Petulia~
If this even is Petulia! I have enclosed the other letters which I speak of. But they are only copies! My brother also has caught you and my sister in bed. Do not lie to me woman!!! Mwhahahaha I am your God as it should be! I am THEE God, yes.. well then, time for tea!
Dear Clifford~
All letters have been recieved. How dare you soil the name and reputation of your saintly wife! She has been true and good to this family. The letters you have been recieving we all concocted by your lying brother! This was all a ruse to get you to divorce her, so he could wed her! Now neither of you shall have her, the Lord has taken sweet Petulia to heaven, where she belongs. We found her in the barn this morning, trampled to death by a rabid billy goat. Shame on you! Oh, and I am sending you some rhubarb preserves. I hope you choke enjoy them.
Mother? Mother?!!!!!
I have no TRUE mother! I was adopted when I was born by a man that posed as a woman, who all others knew as my mother! But when she wirtes to me personally she always signs 'Sam" her true name! The only family memeber who does not know this is YOU Petulia! You.. you wench!
Alright Dung Maggot!
You caught me, I was trying to make this easy for you, but NO you had to go and make it complicated! I am your TRUE mother! I gave birth to you and left you on a street corner. I encouraged you to join the service in the hopes that the war would finish you off. Then I could collect the money from the goverment and run away with Beulah and Calvin, your brother. We have been sharing a bed since before you and I were married! I birthed you, thus you have NO control overme! I hope you die soon so I can wear this black gown I bought with money from pawning that cheap junk you called a wedding ring! Die soon pig.
