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Untitled 6.29.03
His eyes opened as she climbed over his body, nestling in between the sheets next to him. He hadn’t fallen asleep, though waiting for her to finish her nightly bathroom routine had driven him to rest his eyes. It had been too long since he was given the chance to lay beside her in such a manner. She turned to face him as he draped his arm over her waist. She hated for anyone to see her without makeup and it was not often he was lucky enough to witness her in a natural state. He thought her to be at her most beautiful when she was in this unaltered form, even if she thought he said it only to be sweet. The way she was gazing at him made him smile the smallest smile; he brought his arm up to brush the hair from her face.
“I drove many an hour for this one moment,” he said, touching his forehead to hers before placing it back down on his pillow.
She seemed dejected. “I thought you came to see my performance.”
“The Academy Award for super-great-actress-person goes to Alyssa! Don’t get me wrong, you were the star of the show. It definitely played into the timing of my visit, but in all honesty I was dying just to hold you. Like this.”
Alyssa’s lips pursed. She knew he cared about her deeply and whatever was important to her was important to him. It was caring of the purist kind, the type of caring that she had never experienced from the opposite sex before he had come into her life.
“I’m sorry Sef,” she said as she allowed her eyelids to shut. “You know this doesn’t mean to me what it does to you.”
She rolled over, turning her back to him and putting them in a spooning position. He pulled her closer so that she would be able to hear his whisper.
“I know that. I’ve known that, but it doesn’t make this any less special to me. After tonight, who knows if I’ll be able to lay with you in such a fashion? I know it’s not like me to be all ‘carpe diem,’ but sometimes a guy has got to take what he can get.”
She knew he was taking the situation in stride. He professed his love for her not only in word but in action. Despite the words he used to cover his emotions at the moment, he longed for a life where he could have her to himself. He felt that acting lighthearted made things easier for her, and maybe it did just that. What it didn’t do was make her feel any less sorry for the situation she had put him in.
“I never meant to confuse you… Or myself for that matter,” she stammered. “Somewhere along the way something changed. There’s nothing I can do about it. I just wish you understood how much I do care about you.”
“I know,” he interjected before being cut off by her loudening voice.
“No, I don’t think you do. You’ve always been here when I’ve needed someone to talk to. You’ve always been strong when I wasn’t. You’ve always been the one person I can expect to catch me when I fall—and over the years that we have known each other I’ve been a very clumsy girl. You’re my best friend, and sometimes I’m just afraid that I’m going to lose that.”
Alyssa was not one for open discussion of her feelings. It had been many months passing since Sef had heard her speak at all of their relationship. They had never officially dated, though they had been as close as a guy and a girl could be without having titles for one another.
Sef had a hard time putting his feelings into words when he was forced to confront Alyssa. “You know that… That you and I would never change in that way. If that’s the silliness that’s keeping us from being something other than whatever it is that we are… I just hope you understand that no matter what, you would never lose me.”
“Well, it’s not like that’s the only thing. There’s reasons, and I don’t understand them all myself. I’ve been burned a million and one times with the scars to show for each one. You would be exactly what I need, but somehow…” She trailed off.
“Somehow what?”
“Somehow, you’re just not what I want. We have an undeniable chemistry, yet somehow when I think of us romantically… Its like, if you tried to kiss me right now, I’d be offended.”
Her choice of words pierced not only his heart, but his head as well. “Offended?” He thought, “Do I honestly disgust her in that way?” He wanted to ask why, but he could not gather the courage to do so. He was aware that he may not be able to handle the information if provided, and in a rare moment of self preservation, he decided it would best be left unsaid.
“I really need to sleep. There’s so much to do in the morning,” she mumbled through a yawn.
“Well then, all aboard to the land of dreams. You’ve had a long one darling; I won’t blame you for conking out on me.”
“Thank you. G’night.”
Soon thereafter Alyssa was asleep. Sef kept her close to him, and spent the remainder of the night appreciating all that she was. He watched her face change expression from time to time, obviously reflecting whatever dream she was currently engulfed in. Her breathing was soft and steady as she was in the deepest state of slumber.
With the room now overtaken with silence, thoughts were permitted to roam Sef’s mind. He had been determined to see things through with Alyssa, despite the fact that he had been used by her time and again. He had given up on love once before, and not a day went by that he did not loathe himself for it. The conversation he had just held with Alyssa however, made him wonder if this was really love at all. After all the things that he had been put through, after all the times she made him feel inadequate, how could he possibly be in love with her?
Then again, every time he had doubts she would do something indescribable to make him forget his worries. This time, she did it with one word.
“Sef…”
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