Back story: You probably didn’t know this, and you probably don’t care, but for the past half year, and for the next two, I have been attending 6th Form College under the name of my alter-ego (AKA My real name) Luke. I study English Language and Literature, and during the literature lessons the class has focussed its attention on the fairy tail classic know as The Little Mermaid, by Hans Christian Anderson, sad, I know. But at Half Past 10:00 on Wednesday afternoon, I had the misfortune of reading the worst, most convoluted and most unmagical version of the tale, written by a ghastley woman named Audry Daly and published by Ladybird books. Aimed at younger children, this book was about as far away to the point of the story as you can get, even worse than the Disney Craptacular (although at least it doesn’t include the bloody lobster). So I took it upon me to rewrite the whole thing. But, of course, the definitive version of the tale already exists in the origional so in what may be termed as ‘a set-up all along’ I’m going to make it even more pointless. It may be a little short, and it may make you want to puke, but here it is. A version of The Little Mermaid so bad, so different that it even squashes good old Audrey’s tale, in the fashion that Dave Batista squashed Little Spike Dudley.

Wherever the wide sky arches above them and soft breezes blow, people have always made their homes. They live on mountains, in deserts, beside the sea, and in soggy cardboard boxes. Like parasites. But once, long ago in a galaxy not very far away, there were people who lived under the sea, and we’re not talking Aquaman or the Sub-Mariner here either! The King of the Mer-People (so called because the term is politically correct, in looooooser-like fashion) had his palace in the very deepest part of the ocean, not once feeling affected by the supposedly deadly crushing water pressure. There he lived with his six pretty daughters, who were pretty not just for the sake of narrative but also in a genuine sense.

The Princesses were too young to visit the world above the sea, but the youngest, never tired of hearing her Grandmother talk of it, or at least didn’t tell her grandmother so. Sometimes at night, as the youngest Princess gazed up through the cool clear, as yet unpolluted water, a dark shadow would pass by overhead. The mermaid knew that it was a ship, full of strange creatures who had legs instead of the tales that all Mer-people had. Due to the fact that there is little education to be found in such depths, she did not realise that evolution does actually occur naturally and with the aid of genetic testing, as many Michael Chrichton books have informed us over the past.

One day the oldest princess (not to be confused with the youngest Princess in an idiotic manner) was allowed to rise to the surface on her fifteenth birthday. On her return, she told of the cities she had seen and the music she had heard. She did, however, forget to mention that she must have swam hundreds of miles to get to this land due to the fact that the sea kingdom was apparently situated in the deep depths of the water, possibly in an Atlantic fault line. But lets forget about that. She also told of the sound of bells and the perfume of flowers, as all Princesses apparently do. The little mermaid listened, and yearned for the day when it would be he turn to visit the world above.

When at last the youngest Princess was allowed to go to the surface, she looked around in wonder, probably after reaching the surface. She looked around in wonder. Close by was a ship of the sailing kind. She could see the people inside enjoying a birthday party, given for the Prince who just happened to be on board that ship at the time. Then, very suddenly, a storm blew up. The wind was so strong that it turned the ship over. The waves beat against the unsteady ship, breaking it to pieces in a surprisingly orderly fashion. The little mermaid saw the prince in the water. He had almost drowned and he was too weak to swim. Swiftly, she came to his rescue, oblivious to the other, less attractive screaming men, women and children who needed her help, for they were not Princes.

When the storm ended, the little mermaid took the prince to the shore and left him lying in the sunshine, increasing the risk of him developing skin cancer. He was very pale and still, and his eyes were closed. In an intelligent fashion, the little mermaid swam out to sea and waited to see what would happen. Against all odds, and in the face of all logic some young girls found the Prince, but they were not attractive and so wouldn’t fall in love with him. At first the girls thought he was dead but he soon opened his eyes and sat up, probably asking ‘where am I?’ in a stereotypical way. The little mermaid watched and her heart filled with sadness. The Prince would never know that she was the one who had successfully rescued him. Slowly, she swam home to her father’s palace, perhaps weeping.

When her sisters asked what she had seen, the little mermaid told them only of a ship and the seashore, irrefutably lying to her own family. In the days that followed she often swam to where she had left the Prince hoping she might see him again. She never did (Well, not never, just not yet). The little mermaid was so sad that she stopped lying and told her sisters the truth about what had happened. “I know the palace where the Prince lives!” said one of her sisters. “I’ll take you to see it.” After that the little mermaid swam to said palace each and every day, longing for a glimpse of the Prince. She had *GASP* fallen in love with him. It happens to the best of us, love.

The little mermaid talked with her grandmother about the world of humans. “Do men live for ever if they are not drowned?” she obnoxiously asked. “No.” replied her omniscient Grandmother. “They die just as we do. But when we die we just become foam on the sea in an odd scientific phenomena. Humans have souls, and when they die their souls go to a wonderful place far away, like Mars or something.” “Is there any way I could get a soul?” asked the mermaid. “Only if a human (of either sex, in these politically correct times) falls in love with you. And humans prefer people with legs, especially well formed ones.” This made the mermaid sadder than ever. “There must be something I can do” she thought to herself, being too stupid to wonder how that her Grandmother even knew these religious beliefs.

In desperation, the little mermaid decided to visit a witch. The journey was terrifying, because she was a witch after all, and several times the mermaid nearly turned back. But possibly erotic thoughts of the Prince gave her courage and at last she came to the witches house. “So you want legs?” hissed the witch, in the way that witches hiss. “Very well. But losing your tale without an anaesthetic will be very painful. And if the Prince marries someone else, you will become foam on the sea, for these wishes always have some stupid little problem.” “I still want to try and gain contact with a man who has never seen me before, perhaps doesn’t speak my language, and doesn’t even know that mermaids exist.” She said. “One thing more,” said the witch. “You must give me your voice as payment, for inflation is high this year.” The mermaid agreed. She was so gullible that she would agree to anything. So the witch gave her a magic potion to drink. From the moment she took it, the mermaid would be dumb (possibly an improvement).

The mermaid swam to the palace and drank the potion. She felt a sharp pain and then fell into a deep sleep. When she awoke her tail had gone and she had legs like a human girl. When the Prince inevitably saw the beautiful stranger, who may have been wearing clothes, he asked her who she was. She could not reply. The mermaid was so lovely, and the Prince so shallow that the Prince gave her beautiful clothes and took her everywhere he went (except the bathroom). One evening there was a party at the palace. The guests admired the mysterious girl who danced gracefully like the waves, instead of stumbling and falling due to the complexities of her new legs.

As time went by, the Prince became more and more fond of the mermaid, but did not propose to her. One day he told her that he was going to another country (not specified where). “I am going to meet one of the endless Princesses there,” he explained “My parents hope I will marry her. But I do not love her, I love another girl. She once saved me from drowning, but I do not know where she is. Despite that I was undoubtedly unconscious, I guess that you look a little like her, and I would marry you instead if it was necessary.” The mermaid was sad, for she could not tell him the truth, nor for some reason write it down for him to read.

The Prince took her on his journey, rubbing further salt into the wound. When he met the Princess he was dazzled by her beauty. “You are the girl who saved my life!” He mistakenly exclaimed. For some reason she did not deny this. He started to plan their wedding. The mermaid thought that her heart would break, but there was nothing she could do. The wedding took place, and a big party was held on board the Prince’s ship. That night the still alive mermaid leaned over the ships rail, knowing that when the sun rose, she would die. Suddenly, the mermaid’s sisters appeared in the waster below. They were pale and also now bald. “We gave our hair to the witch in return for a magic knife. Nothing to do with a hair vs. hair match whatsoever,” they said. “Kill the Prince that you love with it before sunrise and you will become a mermaid once more.” The mermaid took the knife and went to the Princes bedroom with evil thoughts in her head. But her heart was still full of unexplained love, and she could not kill him. She took one last look at the prince, and threw herself into the sea. Slowly, she melted into the foam.

As the sun rose, the mermaid found herself high in the sky. Glowing lights and sweet voices surrounded her. It was almost inevitable; therefore, that she asked, “Where am I?” “With the daughters of the air” said the voices. “We earn our souls by helping those who suffer, like Superman does. You have earned a soul too, for some reason.”

Far below, the Prince sailed on with his new bride. They casually wondered where the little mermaid was, in a non-committal kind of way with no thought of searching for her.

They did not know that she was high above them, smiling down through the sunlit air, possibly planning revenge. She was, in other words, dead.

And the moral of this story is: Love is very, very, stupid, especially amongst aquatic creatures.

By Luke Beach