Sparky’s People - Component #1

Hey, welcome to that madman’s new O2 column, where I, Sparky Van Dam discuss how cool some people are in my eyes, be they historical figures or real life people, I’ll talk about how awesome they are, and praise them a lot. Now I’m done sounding crazy…

Jimi Hendrix

‘Mmwwow mwo mwo mwo mnowo womana momonawa dum dum *tisch* badawa badawow dowdowdowdowdow wonnalilililililililililllillaaaaaa!’ That was my attempt at annotating the beginning long riff from ‘Voodoo Chile’ which is possibly the greatest guitar riff of all time, from one of the all-time greatest songs. Jimi Hendrix is the God of Rock and Roll. The man is just a legend, in every way; he did stuff with a guitar that still has scientists today baffled as it was physically and theoretically impossible. More skilful and awesome on a guitar than any man ever, and giving off an edgy, deep, metal sound that no-one for the rest of the history of the universe to come will be able to match, Jimi Hendrix basically kicks the ass of most guitarists. I can’t quite express how high up this man is.

He was worshipped as a Jesus-like figure in the seventies and 60s and played at Woodstock, tearing it up, with the insane jamming session come short national anthem – ‘Star Spangled Banner’ which is pretty insane. Of course, everyone in the whole world knows Voodoo Chile (pronounced ‘Child’ and renamed on the re-releases following his death) but further into the back of many people’s minds are the other awesome songs, ‘Purple Haze’ and ‘All Along the Watch Tower’ which also unsurprisingly kick serious ass. Hendrix basically captured a whole generation, the same way the Summer of ’69, Woodstock and Easy Rider did, and eventually the continual barrage of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll caught up with Jimi as he died.

Still the man is one of the coolest ever, not only for his sound or the way he revolutionised music and, indeed the world, but the way he looked, as he was black – which means you look great as long as you’re not trying to be a white guy – see Howard – the annoying twat from the UK Halifax adverts – wait hang on, that is actually another dickhead who actually is white… or are they both for the Halifax? Ah fuck it, Jimi Hendrix rocked, and that’s all there is to it – case closed. His portrayal in the Simpsons made me laugh, too. He’s one of Sparky’s people.

Tupac Shakur

Regarded by many as the greatest rapper of all time, Tupac Shakur is actually believed by many to have defied death. Undoubtedly one of the most talented rappers ever, both musically, and in an acting sense, he revolutionised the rap world and his death in 1996 was one of the most tragic events of the last ten years. Tupac grew up through a fucked up childhood and soon ended up selling cocaine on the streets to provide for his mother and himself. He went to quite a lot of acting and singing places, where everyone commented on how talented he was. Tupac really started to get big in the early nineties, as he ended up on Death Row records, alongside one of my other favourites, Snoop Dogg and others such as Dr. Dre. 2pac was a legitimately tough individual as well, surviving a brutal attack in 1994, where a gang of men attacked him and stamped his head into a concrete floor repeatedly, beating the hell out of him, and then shooting him multiple times (5 or 6 times, IIRC) – including shooting him in the balls and shooting him point blank range in the head.

Tupac survived and discharged himself from hospital to go to court… the next day. I mean, if surviving such an hellacious attack isn’t commendable enough, then leaving the hospital the next HAS to be proof you’re ‘One Tough Motherfucker.’ Tupac was then sent to prison on rape charges, and whilst in there many people got the idea/principle into his head that Notorious BIG was behind his shooting. Now the whole thing between Biggie and ‘Pac and basically everything surrounding ‘Pac’s death is covered in an awesome book called ‘The Killing of Tupac Shakur’ – so I won’t go into detail here. The East Coast/West Coast rap war started here, although the East Side/West Side war had been going on for a long time, not to mention the South Side, although I don’t think a North Side exists – that’s not to mention the gangster aspects of the gangsta rap, not to mention other gangsters such as the Mafia, Yakuza, Triad and KGB, but I digress… Tupac was then shot seven times whilst in a car with Suge Knight and died a few days later. During his time, Tupac affected an innumerable amount of people with his lyrics, films, music and lifestyle, he became hero for the youth of that time, and released some truly brilliant songs, ‘California Love’ done with Dr. Dre was one of the best, as well as the greatest freestyle rap of all time, one of the best songs ever, ‘The Madison Square Garden Freestyle’ – ‘Where Brooklyn At?’ which he rapped alongside Biggie Smalls, before Tupac’s first shooting.

Also, released after his death showing clips of his life and photos on the video, ‘Changes’ became one of the favourite songs of young people even to this day. After his death, more and more Tupac singles and albums have been released, and his music continues to have an effect on people. Many believe Tupac is still alive, living in Colombia or Cuba, and Death Row has since floundered as Suge Knight was sent to prison for an incident which didn’t happen according to police records. Tupac made some truly cool films, the best of them being the tremendous basketball drama ‘Above the Rim’ which is must-see for basketball and 2pac fans alike. Breathing coolness, and having an incredible amount of charisma and awesomnity, Tupac Amaru Shakur was, is and forever will be one of the greatest rappers and human beings ever, he rules, and is one of Sparky’s people.

Diego Maradona

Probably one of the most controversial football players of all-time, and definitely one of the most talented, Diego Maradona is somewhat of a legend. One of the most hated in this country and one of the most outrageous. Maradona debuted aged 15 and within a year or so was playing for his country. Soon he was raining in goals on the national and international scene. Maradona was so incredibly talented, he basically inspired the Argentinian football team into greatness. Maradona could basically do anything and everything, he was pretty small, and incredibly skilful, taking on many defenders at once, running rings round the opposition and scoring tremendous goals.

Maradona’s most famous moments came in the World Cup match against England. In fact, the good one was named the greatest moment in World Cup history. The one many English people hate him for is probably his biggest calling card. During the match, the ball came down towards the tall England goalkepper Peter Shilton. Maradona leapt in the air and seemingly somehow got above the very tall SHilton, heading the ball into the back of the net. What had actually happened was that Maradona had punched the ball – which obviously wouldn’t have been a goal (in our football, the game centres around the ball and the foot.) The crowd went insane, and pretty much every Englishman on the planet turned into someone that wanted to murder Maradona. Because of that incident his name is spat on, even though he is one of the best soccer players ever.

A few minutes later, Diego Maradona proved why he was one of, if not THE best player in the world, when he took the ball from midfield, beating some six defenders and scoring one of the greatest goals of all time, winning the match for Argentina. It is for stuff like this that Maradona is one of Sparky’s People, his excellence in skill on the pitch was incredible. Maradona continued to rule for a few years more, but dropped out of sight and hardly played competitively for a few years. In 1994, the cocaine-addicted, drug-ravaged, injury-laden Diego Maradona somehow dragged himself onto the pitch for a World Cup match and scored a scrambled goal, as he charged towards the camera, eyes raging, mouth wide open – you could see he was a changed individual. More disgrace and controversy followed when he failed drugs tests, got fat and dropped out of the scene, resurfacing in 1998 and even 2002, when he was still playing professionally. For a career spanning multiple decades and for revolutionising football and being one of the best players ever, Diego Maradona is one of Sparky’s people.

Brad Pitt:

Yes, the best looking man in the world is one of Sparky’s people. Is it because he’s one of the few, if possibly the only male I’ll talk about being good-looking, without being totally tongue-in-cheek? Well, I’ll explain why. Brad Pitt is a very good actor, and is underrated as an actor by LOADS of people. It isn’t just that his acting is good, it’s that with Brad Pitt on screen, the scene seems to be a little better. He makes great films, and even the ones of his that aren’t that great and still good and watchable. Brad Pitt is definitely one of my favourite actors, and starred in Fight Club, voted by the Oratory as the single greatest film in history. His performance in that is tremendous, although he isn’t as good an actor as Edward Norton is, another David Fincher that kicks ass is Seven (or Se7en) which also starred Brad Pitt, once again he’s tremendous throughout the whole film. His older work is pretty good too, he starred in the brilliant, Tarantino-scripted True Romance, playing a total stoner to hilarious perfection. My dad got annoyed after a while, as seemingly every film on TV or that we rented had him appearing in it.

After being in the great Thelma and Louise, Brad Pitt starred in Kalifornia, which is one of the best films I’ve seen, and easily one of the most underrated. It kicks ass all the way through, and Pitt’s stark, realistic acting really brings the movie up a level. He appeared in True Romance, and then the excellent Interview With a Vampire followed, which was basically a who’s who of beloved men, starring Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas, Tom Cruise and Christian Slater. Brad Pitt is one of the best actors in the film (fuck the theory that the girl ‘outshone’ them all, that’s a crockload o’ bull shite.) Straight after that he starred in the awesome Legends of the Fall, a very entertaining film that also starred Anthony Hopkins, and that Brad shone in, kicking ass all over the place and being the major ‘face’ in the movie. Following that came the brilliant Seven, (alongside Morgan Freeman) which just rocks on so many levels that I can’t begin to praise it enough. The next film he was in was Twelve Monkeys, a cool film with a non-conventional end, which also starred Bruce Willis. After presenting the MTV Movie awards and doing a couple more films, Brad Pitt was quickly becoming one of the biggest male stars on the planet.

The Devil’s Own had him putting on a half-believable Irish accent alongside Harrison Ford, that, although Ford was meant to be the good guy, had you wanting Brad Pitt to win all the way through, which seems to be the case in all his films. After that came the box-office bombing Meet Joe Black, which is a really, really great film, with Pitt and (again) Hopkins acting tremendously in it. It’s well written, long and very enjoyable, I can’t understand why so many hate it and why it bombed, but financially, Brad Pitt made around 25 million bucks from it. So I’ll assume he wasn’t too hurt from it, lol. A cameo in the awesome Being John Malkovich was next, followed by one of my top 3 favourite films of all time, Fight Club. Basically viewed as one of the best films ever all over the place, Edward ‘God of Acting’ Norton and Brad Pitt took the movie to an incredibly high level, making it so awesome to watch over and over again. I can’t praise it enough, I just love every minute of it. Then came the EXCELLENT Snatch. This movie was a huge hit over here, with Brad Pitt and a crew of others kicking ass through every second of it. It still ranks as one of my favourite films, and Brad Pitt as the pikey boxer was an awesome part of it. After appearing in one of my Top 5 TV Shows of All Time, Jackass, and a few more films, he roled into Ocean’s Eleven, being pretty much the best thing in the movie……….again.

If his movie accolades aren’t enough, being voted the World’s Sexiest Male for the past umpteen years, and pulling the UBER-hot Jennifer Aniston have to count for some serious resopect. His appearance in Friends was hilarious and basically everything he touches is great. Kudos to you, Mr. Pitt, you truly have earned your place as one of Sparky’s people.

Well, that about raps it up for Component One of Sparky’s People. I’ll be back laying down the score as to why I love more people next time, hope you enjoyed it. Leave feedback here or hit me up on…

AIM: Sparky Van Dam

E-mail: splitleggedmoonsault@hotmail.com

Feel free to send porn and sick pictures or stories too.