10:52 AM 2/25/03
It was 6:25 and there he stood...6 ft. 147 lbs. strong, tall, and able-bodied with his school athletic/book bag over his shoulder..."mom, I am running late, will you take Prince out? please?" The look in his eye told me he expected the usual sermon..."he's your dog, your responsibility, besides, you know i can't function b4 my coffee and he likes to run all over the neighborhood...grrr blah blah" the sermon of the half asleep pissed off mom who has tried to teach responsibility for oh so long....and already picturing a rottie/shepherd pulling her all thru the snow...worse, b4 the caffeine had had a chance to even brew !
but something about today was different...
maybe it was the sunshine that was shining so radiantly on his gosh darn beautiful blue eyes....those eyes I had seen cry so many times years ago- when mom was too "busy" to play ,when dad had been arrested for beating him, when we moved and he left his first puppy behind with a friend, when he tried to save his mom from being strangled by his own dad-the supposed "protector", when he felt so insignificant when matched up to his peers, when- when -when- ...yes, those eyes that had seen more than most little boys ever will...those once sad eyes that smile brightly today...
...or maybe it was the calmness and love i heard in his voice...the eager anticipation of another day to go off into the world and finally be accepted as an individual...as someone who mattered....who had made an impression amongst his peers and was now granted "a life"... i so remember people saying "he's developmentally delayed-you need to accept that he will never be the things you would wish for a normal child..." as I laid there and looked at him I half wished those people could see the results of a whole lotta love and hard work...but for the grace of God....
...or maybe it was the "oh my God, he's gonna be 17 soon and time is passing quickly...gosh, I will so miss him when he moves on into the world..." lately, there's been a lot of those little moments when i have turned -expecting to see the "little boy" i once held by the hand and tossled his hair-only to find a "young man" standing there impatiently waiting for me to say "yes you can go to so and so's house...or to the mall ...or to the movies...or yes, of course, I know you have practice til ten...just call me when you get there..."
...or maybe it was me....after this many 24's finally able to say," we did it" ..we beat the odds...all star jock, honor student, has had a job for 3 years, and thankfully hates drugs, cigarettes and alcohol....he sure can match up with his peers....and it was from my new found love of life , of self, and of others that i found the extra time, energy and compassion to be the constant 24/7 pain in his butt....i believed until he could- and now that he does, i still believe....cuz someone once did that for me -when i felt most unworthy....gosh, time sure does change all things....
yes today was different as i smelled the cologne knowing he was meeting his friends to walk to school, trying to impress a "special someone", and get to his coach's office b4 he had to go to first period....yes today i felt the gratitude that change, time and love bring....and after i mumbled a sleepy : "get going so you aren't late...i luv you" ...i took such joy in the smile he cast me from across the room and pride in the young man he is as i heard "love you too mom!" and the dang door slam behind him.
I could still see that smile, those eyes,and my "man-child"- and too , i could still hear that love of life as i held on tight to prince's leash and traversed thru the snowpiles in the neighborhood so he could do his morning business.... Where once i wondered how life could be so unfair...today i wondered how i deserved so much...
