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Check your smoke alarms, give the blue lights the right of way, and don't let little kids play with matches. Your local fire dept. thanks you...
GODZILLA ON DVD: See how Conster rates them!


REUNITED AT LAST
Many thanks to those who have helped and are continuing to help me as I continue the fight to provide for my kids.

Everybody needs some money, even me. $5, $10, whatever your heart feels like giving...

GODZILLA: OVER THE HILL AT 50!!!!!!!!


And, as if anyone cared, as of January 14, I'm over the hill at 30. Now doesn't THAT just take the cake that my boyfriend made for me!!!

Tokyo SOS. (WARNING! Spoiler filled!)
See the review in German. With pictures.

Welcome to the new incarnation of Conster's Museum, a venerable old page full of information,
stats, and raucous humor involving the Big Guy!

This new site is undergoing radical changes, please excuse the mess! And please feel free to report whatever doesn't work to the webmistress.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG G!!!!!! WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH, WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
I've managed to graduate from Firefighter One and actually earn a uniform and a badge! Go figure. ;)
This is my new life -- the life of a volunteer firefighter. :-O That's right -- Conster has joined the Scriba Volunteer Fire Dept. I've only been around for a couple months, but I stop by the station nearly every day, to observe my new home and to slip into its routine. I've made many new friends and met some really wonderful people that I hope to share this new career of mine with for a long, long time. Or maybe its just that I like hanging out here, because I know firemen do it with their huge hoses. :-D


C.H.A.O.S. = Conster Has Arrived On Scene
I've finally seen "Final Wars." A synopsis is in the making, as well as one for Peter Jackson's "King Kong". Unfortunately I think this one might well reach Book Length! :(New: Scott's Homemade Kaiju Page!
Check it out....if you dare



GUESS WHO's COMING TO DINNER...
That's right... none other than everybody's favorite imitation lizard, and I do use the term everybody's favorite only in the loosest sense of the word, "GINO", Who shall be referred to in the film simply as "Zilla". The following explanation for this change is given...
"The production staff makes sure the rights to use Godzilla are exclusive to Toho. In America there are imitation products on the market that have the name"Zilla."Producer Tomiyama has the ability to get rid of these products if he chooses to. Tomiyama thinks that the American Godzilla is a representation of these imitation products therefore he named the American Godzilla in FINAL WARS simply "Zilla". The significance of this perfectly suits this kaiju who has had the word "God" taken out from the name "Godzilla"."
Who cares?!? The point is, its an ersatz creature -- KICK HIS ASS!! And for everyone else's information, the creatures appearing in this film include but are not limited to: Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, Angilas, Gigan, Hedorah, Ebirah, Monster X, Kumonga, Minya, Kamakiras, King Seesar, and "Zilla".

NOTICE TO ALL MY USERS!!! People have been emailing me asking for a ROM of Godzilla's Greatest Battles. The law concerning ROMS is that they are only legal to possess if you own the actual cartridge -- otherwise they must be deleted after 24 hours. Now, I know you chowderheads could care less about the law which is why I will speak from the vantage point of practicality. I DO NOT OWN A ROM OF THESE GAMES ANY MORE. My computer decided to bite the big one which means my boyfriend and I lost everything. Unfortunately, law enforcement crackdowns have made it extremely difficult to find any more SNES roms online. However, if you're extremely patient, diligent and are willing to throw some serious money around, sometimes someone will have an actual cartridge of Godzilla's Greatest Battles on Ebay (You will need a modified Game Genie to play this on an American SNES.) Mine cost a hundred bucks but it was well worth it. Be careful you're not getting Super Godzilla by mistake; Super Godzilla only has Godzilla on the cover whereas GGB has both Godzilla and Mothra on the cover. Thanks. - Conster


 


LINKS OF INTEREST
Those clever Japanese are at it again.


Rotten.com (my favorite site) has a commentary on Godzilla. You probably don't want little kids to read this. Or go on the rest of this site, for that matter....

More Japanese genetic brewing antics. Of course, chances are since this is in a trash tabloid like the Weekly World News, its a hoax. But I wouldn't put something like this past a country that dines on raw eggs and raw fish for breakfast!

The new Godzilla suit from Final Wars. I think this is starting to get REALLY weird...

PLEASE CHOOSE YOUR DESTINATION:



For you lucky ducks who live in or are stationed in Japan, there will be a Godzilla exhibition in the Daimaru department store in Tokyo from 4/29 to 5/5

NEW! For you Bozoes who push paper, drink insane amounts of coffee, play solitaire at work and browse this site when the boss isn't looking, I've included a new Javascript calendar/clock. So if you miss that important meeting or deadline because you can't tear yourself away from my site, and are court martialed and fired, don't come crying to me. The coffee break's over, slackers!

This goes out to "Sister Betsy". Wherever you are. God forgive me, but here goes...

Here comes Godzilla from the Pacific Ocean
His beastly jaws slaver in a feral motion
"How can I satisfy my appetite of mine?"
"Tokyo just won't cut it this time."

Here comes the Killer Taco made to order
As Godzilla decides to "make a run for the border"
Here comes the Killer Taco, putting up a fight
As Zilla leans over and takes a bite...

The Killer Taco bleeds taco grease
As he cries "Ay yi yi! When will this ever cease!"
He screams and he yells and he moans and he flails
And curses in Spanish to no avail
For taco grease and cheese is all but bled
And poor Killer Taco, he is dead
And all for what? So Godzilla could be fed!

I hope you don't find this terribly uncouth,
But how else to celebrate the symbols of a misspent youth?

NEWSFLASH TO FAT FANBOYS: ITS STILL THE F***ING HEISEI ERA UNTIL THE GODDAMN EMPEROR KICKS THE SUSHI BUCKET!!!!

"No no no!!! That's NOT how you penetrate the hull!!!"

Godzilla having sex with inanimate objects. Even the poor King of the Monsters has been subject to his Western fat slob fans far too long. What an undignified end. This is just so sad...


TOHO CO. LTD., to take a five to ten year hiatus making Godzilla films.

Yes that's right. That's what happens when jerkoff fanboys whine and complain. Oh, they'll tell themselves that Toho simply ran out of ideas, which could have a basis in fact, but they won't admit to having anything to do with it themselves.

yasuhiro: Have you heard the news toho will cease making godzilla for 4-5 years?
Conster: iie. naze (No, why)
yasuhiro: well, the president said its time for rest
Conster: where did you hear this
yasuhiro: nihon keizai shimbun
Conster: all i know is that they were gonna make a 50th anniversary film
yasuhiro: yeah final wars and take 5-10 years rest
Conster: what other movies do they plan on making
yasuhiro: porn (joke)



Yes, porn... they might just resurrect the Lizard King as a porn star. On the other hand, I'm gonna be 40 before I see another new Godzilla film. (maybe. If I'm lucky. If I don't chew off my ankle in a fit of rage first...)

In the meantime, my crazy, wild-eyed desire to give Toho all my money has been replaced with a crazy, wild-eyed desire to give George Lucas all my money -- I'm on a major Star Wars bender right now. Between that, and my job, and all else, there isn't very much time for me to update this site. I decided to take down my fanboy rant because, lets face it -- those fat slobs are as boring as all get out. But hey -- here is a link that ought to make every one of you guys happy. So what are you waiting for? Go here now!


Show the world MY hatred for fanboys!

 


Check out this fetid piece of so-called writing:

Size Does Matter
A longer, better Godzilla.
By David Edelstein
Posted Friday, May 21, 2004, at 1:49 PM PT

There goes Tokyo

Godzilla is on my TV as I type this: He is played by a man in a bulbous green rubber suit with Christmas trees affixed to his back and appears to be having a pro wrestling match with a three-headed turtle-shelled squid in a jet-pack amid four-foot-high skyscrapers. It looks as if he's fighting to save Japan. At least there's a cute little kid urging him on from a nearby mountaintop, and aliens with white skullcaps who control the turtle-squid are watching from Planet X on a vintage '60s TV monitor. It has been a curious journey over the last 50 years for Godzilla the national pride who was the once the embodiment of a national nightmare, an explicit metaphor for the nuclear devastation of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It's as if the Japanese really did learn to stop worrying and love the bomb.


If this is all you know of the Japanese Godzilla, then you owe it to yourself to track down Ishirô Honda's Gojira (1954), now making the arthouse rounds on the 50th anniversary of its production. The black-and-white original was dubbed and heavily edited for its 1956 U.S. release into something called Godzilla, King of the Monsters, with spliced-in shots of Raymond Burr (who worked a total of one day in a small Los Angeles studio) as American reporter "Steve Martin." This dilute Amercanization isn't terrible, but it has nothing like the apocalyptic intensity of the Honda original.


Gojira is a remote, primitive thing, with no Raymond Burr on a radio microphone to give us our bearings. The first half-hour, in which the monster is kept offscreen, is impossibly bad: choppy, poky, stiffly staged and acted, with the few special effects looking like obvious miniatures. Expressionless men in faceless buildings wonder dully about a series of disasters at sea, and there's some sort of love triangle between the insipid Emiko (Momoko Kochi), the insipid seaman Ogata (Akira Takarada), and the scientist Serizawa (Akihiko Hirata), whose black eye patch makes him, in this context, devilishly interesting. There is some brainless blather from Emiko's scientist father about capturing the monster and learning from it difficult to imagine, as Gojira is said to be 150 feet tall and like an endlessly self-recharging H-bomb.


The movie is funereal but that turns out to be a good thing. The early part of Gojira induces a trancelike funk, the perfect state in which to meet one of the most bone-chilling monsters that the movies have ever belched up.


The film bestirs itself slowly, like a beast awakening on the ocean floor. The first pricks of life come when the scientists move among survivors of an attack on a remote island: They scan small children for radiation, then look at one another and shake their heads. Babies shriek in pain as their mothers expire. Men lie sprawled on the ground with blood trickling from their eyes. Americans would have recognized the scene from John Hersey's "Hiroshima" at least, they would have if it hadn't been axed from our Godzilla.


Then comes a radio report "Gojira has been sighted" and a special bulletin—"All residents need to be evacuated immediately" and then a long, long silence, the army's enormous spotlights playing over the black ocean waters. The reptile's head, with its cruel, beady eyes, appears—to the heraldic low horns and drum rolls of Akira Ifukube's stunning overture, which segues into a mournful march reminiscent of the first movement of Mahler's Fifth Symphony, and then into the film's most famous musical phrase, the sawing, three-note string motif that sings, "GO-ji-ra GO-ji-ra GO-ji-GO-ji-GO-ji-GO-ji GO-ji-ra."


On he comes—robotic and implacable. It occurred to me watching the risible American Godzilla of 1998—in which the beast looked like an actual lizard and darted quickly, like an actual lizard—that I didn't want an anatomically correct Gojira. The 150-foot-tall monster of Gojira is a fusion of ancient and modern nightmares: a fire-breathing dragon whose fire is radioactive, part machine, part Golem, something summoned up out of all the dark forces of this world that can't be destroyed by any of this world's weapons. The Gojira who lumbers through a metropolis on two legs, erect, mechanically stepping on cars and smashing through skyscrapers, pitilessly training its nuclear breath on anything and everything he sees, his roar ending in a metallic shriek, is a vision of a scientifically engineered Armageddon.


The long section of Gojira—nearly 15 minutes—in which the monster destroys much of Tokyo is like nothing in any science-fiction film before or since. In the American cut, there are frequent inserts of Burr, yakking away on his mike as he narrates the creature's comings and goings. The original, though, is nearly wordless. There is a Japanese TV announcer: He watches the devastation from a high tower; wonders, "Has the world been sent back two million years?"; and has time to report on his own death as Gojira moves toward his tower, closing with an earnest, "Sayonara." Elsewhere, a mother leans against a wall and whispers to her little daughter, "We'll be joining your daddy soon. Just a little longer." It's the last minute or two that is the most harrowing. The music stops, and in the silence Gojira walks between the broken buildings, the cityscape behind him aglow, seeming to contemplate his handiwork.


Watching Gojira brought back for me seeing the World Trade Center burn from the roof of my building; I can only imagine what it felt like for the Japanese less than a decade after Hiroshima and Nagaski and the firebombing of many of the country's major cities. For pure horror, the climax actually tops what has preceded it. The black-patched scientist watches schoolchildren sing a "prayer for peace" on TV, then decides to employ a weapon he had vowed to keep under wraps, one potentially more lethal than Gojira: a bomb that destroys the oxygen in water and "disintegrates its elements."


The deep-sea final sequence is underlit and hazy, the music deeper and slower, invoking Wagner's Götterdämmerung; and you can only just make out the blurred monster as it contemplates the divers, seeming to await its own demise. Gojira is no masterpiece, but it has the power of a masterpiece: It's the most emotionally authentic fake monster movie ever made.

David Edelstein is Slate's film critic. You can e-mail him at movies@slate.com. Email him just to tell him what an idiot he is...



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