One reason I think I'll avoid visiting the country:
 Starring Richard Ruxton, Cliff Lambert, and Anne Frith Written by Don Dohler, David W. Donoho, and Anne Frith Directed by Don Dohler American, 1985 This movie is a lovely slice of mid-80's Americana... I think. Being a direct-to-video release, I was sure it'd be full of bad effects, non-actors, and bad writing when I downloaded it (before the RIAA/MPAA sues me, I'm going to say that it's a public domain movie), and sure enough, I was right. Let's go through this silly 80-minute long affair. It opens with a shot of the Earth from space, and a crudely animated fireball flying towards our little planet. I'll just ignore the fact that meteors do not burn up while still in space. We then cut to the title card, and it reads "THE GALAXY INVADER". A very ambitious title for a movie. There's some uber-cheesy 80's synth music playing over the somewhat dreary looking credits. I notice a lot of Dohlers involved in this movie; Don, Greg, Kim, and Pam. I also notice that Don Dohler is intimately involved with this production at many levels. He's an "additional cinematographer", an editor, a director, and a sound effects editor. All in all, this is shaping up to be an inbred movie. So, the movie starts back up. A car is driving down a dark dirt road when the driver of the car, a young guy named David, sees the meteor flying overhead. It careens right over the car and flies around in the sky, turning and going all over the place, before crashing with a dull flash of light in the distance beyond some trees. A door opens, and we hear heavy breathing. Yes, it's the alien's POV shot as he leaves his spaceship and stumbles slowly around the forest. We cut to a somewhat dumpy-looking man lying in bed. The phone rings and he eventually answers it. On the other line is David, and we learn that the sleeping guy is Doctor Tracy, some sort of professor or teacher who is interested in things scientific and also UFO-related. David recounts his encounter with the meteor over the phone. I was annoyed by the cinematography here. The scene cuts back and forth between David and Dr. Tracy as they talk, but they are both facing the left when they are speaking. I think it's an unwritten rule that when you have a scene involving a telephone call, the two parties are facing the opposite direction on screen. I never realized this until I saw this movie. The layout of the scene looks very odd with them facing the same way and talking into the phone. Maybe it's just me. Dr. Tracy makes plans, and he'll be out there in about six hours. He makes David wait for him in the dark until he gets there. Wow. Elsewhere, we see a couple quietly eating breakfast in their kitchen. Their house is somewhere in the woods we saw earlier. We then hear a rustling sound coming from somewhere. Confused, the couple leave the breakfast table to go see what the sound was. The man grabs a large knife. Oh, I get it. This is the obligatory monster discovery scene. They creep down to their basement in a long moment of padding, and look around. They look around, and look around, and look around some more, until finally they find the alien. It's a tall green scaly looking thing with a skull-like face. Not a very good costume, but kudos for the effort.  Fig. 1 - The Alien The woman screams and the alien knocks the knife from the man's hand, then pushes him back. The man tries attacking with a shovel, but the alien subdues and injures the man. He lays on the ground, bleeding. The woman, half-panicking, attempts to fight it with a small lamp, but it gets the best of her too. The alien just attacked these two for no apparent reason. We cut to another house in the middle of the forest. The Montague family is having breakfast too. The dad, Joe (Richard Ruxton), is wearing a ripped and stained shirt and looks generally dishevelled. Mother Ethel (Anne Frith) is cooking, while grown daughters Carol, Anne, and the eldest J.J. eat. The breakfast conversation consists mainly of an argument between Joe and Carol over this guy she's seeing. It culminates in Carol running off and Joe grabbing a rifle and pursuing her. Yeah, it's a Jerry Springer Show-style family. The argument establishes that the family has a low opinion of their father. It also establishes that the actress playing Carol cannot act very well, and that Anne Frith has a New England accent that's quite out of place in the setting of the movie, which is supposed to be somewhere hicks and rednecks would be living judging by the majority of other accents in this movie. So dad leaves the house and jogs through the bush and trees surrounding the house. Who builds a house in the middle of nowhere like that? The land isn't even cleared! Carol also runs through the forest, and runs right past the alien without even seeing it. Joe, however, does see it and he stops. At this point, J.J. catches up with his father. Joe shoots at the alien, and it drops something it was holding before running away. J.J. and Joe run to see what it dropped. It's a small, flashing, white sphere about the size of a grapefruit. Joe is inexplicably amazed by it, noting that it would be worth quite a bit of money. They hurry it back to their house. Meanwhile, Carol approaches a shack of some sort in the forest and meets her boyfriend Michael (Cliff Lambert). He's a pretty sleazy looking guy, with a creepy moustache and a general 80's look about him that isn't too pleasing. Carol tells Michael what happened, and he says he'll beat Joe up if he scares her like that again. The chemistry between these two characters is really non-existent, and once again, actress Faye Tilles who plays Carol, is just pathetic. She's like a cardboard replica of many female leads from other, better movies. What's worse, she has a definite New Jersey accent! What is up with the casting here?! We cut to a meadow, where Dr. Tracy arrives to meet David. They chat about where it landed. Dr. Tracy has contacted his "sources in the scientific community" and notes that something with an "unusual mass" did crash in the area the night before. Well, if that's so, where are all the other scientists who'd be going after it? Apparently, the military dismissed it as a meteor, but Dr. Tracy is still eager to see it, so he and David head off into the woods to try and find it. Back at the Montague house, Joe and J.J. return with the glowing sphere thing and lock it up in the garage. Joe argues a bit with his wife. Then Michael and Carol show up, and Michael is willing to go to fisticuffs, but Joe is still armed so he backs down. J.J. spills the beans to the family and talks about the sphere and the "green man" who had it with him. Later on, the thoroughly unappealing character Frank Custer and his awful wife Vickie pull up to the Montague house in their car. Ethel and Anne watch from the window. Anne, who looks to be in her teens, speculates on the nature of the alien. Ethel turns and says, "Anne Montague, I told you, there's no such thing as a green man!" J.J. brings out the sphere for Frank and his wife to see. Frank drools (!) a bit and asks what it is, but J.J. and Joe don't have a clue. However, Joe discovered a small switch (we never see said switch) on the surface of the sphere that, when triggered with a stick, causes the sphere to become hot enough to burn leaves around it, as well as emit cheesy sound effects. J.J., who doesn't look like the brightest bulb, stands there like a brick while dollar signs start floating into Joe's mind. Frank is sure the sphere would be worth money, but he's more interested in capturing the alien itself. He even plans to draft a small army of local rednecks to try and catch it, assuring Joe that they'd all be very rich. The men get very excited, and Joe orders his son to lock the sphere back up. Heading towards the garage, J.J. hears some sounds. Foolishly, he looks around. Does he not think that the alien might want its sphere back? The alien surprises him, stuns him with a weapon and reclaims its little device, then heads off. Joe and Frank have gone to a seedy diner/bar in town to recruit their ragtag army. Here we're treated to more fashion just dripping in the style of the mid 80's. Big, thick-framed glasses, large mounds of curly hair, dreary sweaters on the women and goofy moustaches on the men. Frank and Joe swagger into the bar, and it's at this point in the movie that the similarity between Frank and the character of Guy Caballero from the old SCTV show becomes apparent. I think it's the way they both speak, I dunno. Anyway, they walk in, and start speaking to the crowd, proposing a nighttime expedition for "something big [...] big bucks kind of big." They won't go into specifics, though. Frank takes the opportunity to mistreat his wife a few times. I wonder why the wives of Frank and Joe actually stay with these deadbeat husbands? Is this movie supposed to be making some pointed commentary on rednecks? Somehow, I doubt it. Anyway, several guys volunteer, lured by the prospect of the reward, but they want to see some evidence that this thing is out there. At this point, there's a startling and very abrupt jump cut to the front of the Montague house. Joe was dropped off, and runs to the garage. The sphere isn't there. He calls for J.J., and checks into the house to ask Anne if she's seen him. She takes the opportunity to tell her friends that she hates her dad. That seems to be a common theme in this family. Joe finds J.J. just coming to on the ground, and J.J. reports that the sphere has been stolen. Joe is, naturally, quite upset and threatens J.J. a little bit. In the forest, the intrepid David and Dr. Tracy pause and decide to cancel their little quest in favour of dinner so they can try again tomorrow. Back at the house, Anne helps Ethel with the dishes, and they talk about Joe and J.J. going on their foolish hunt. Of course, Joe overhears them and isn't too pleased with them. He heads out, and we see that night has fallen. I'd appreciate it if the movie would veer away from the Ed Woodian day/night transitions. Anyway, all the rednecks are assembled and ready to go. They're all wearing plaid. Frank quietly conspires with Joe to allow some of them to walk in front, in case the alien is armed. Frank then sells the notion of a non-human creature to the men. The men are sceptical at first, but warm to the idea and drive away to go on their hunt. Watching from the window, Ethel suddenly proposes to Anne that they play a game of Scrabble. Whoa, where did this come from? Anne announces that she hates that game. At the diner/bar, Dr. Tracy and David sit down for some food. At the same time, Vicki is alone at the bar, talking a bit loudly about what her husband is doing at the moment. Dr. Tracy tries to order a "vodka martini, shaken not stirred, on the rocks with a twist of lime," and of course, the waitress says no. Don't be a show-off. He settles for a beer. Of course, they eventually overhear Vicki as she begins talking about a meteor and spacemen. They cajole her into sitting with them and offer her a free drink if she tells them more about the spaceman. As soon as she gives them a location, Dr. Tracy and David bolt to go see, leaving her behind. The next scene is set to music more suited to the Repo Man soundtrack, as it's not a bad bit of music. The men from town drive down a road in the middle of the night and stop, getting out with their hunting rifles, ready to have a good ole time. They fan out in a straight line and walk through the nighttime forest in a poorly done scene that just drags on and on and on. This movie sure doesn't lack walking scenes! We watch them walk and walk for 95 long seconds before they find the damn alien. Then the actual chase scene begins, and we watch more of that for a little while longer. There really isn't much to look at, it's dark and it's just the alien and men running. You can see where director Dohler tried to be creative with the lighting to make the scenes spookier. The whole time, the men are yelling and hooting and cheering, just like stereotypical rednecks. Finally, the alien stops running and faces the men. It pulls out a weapon and begins firing at the men, killing many of them. The hunters shoot at it, but they seem to miss, or the alien is impervious to bullets. Frank, Joe, and J.J. decide to go after the alien while it's killing the others. Dr. Tracy and David arrive on the scene and crouch down behind a bush, watching the events in horror. Tracy is happy and excited that there is an alien on Earth, but he's positive that the alien was provoked. Maybe the alien is also a redneck, and it's here on a hunting trip a la Predator! The alien continues to kill the humans until Joe, J.J., and Frank jump up from behind it and struggle with it, tying it up with a length of rope. Dr Tracy wants to help, but remains behind his bush. Eventually, they subdue the alien and the survivors hoot and cheer. Frank quickly forgets about the dead guys, and they take the alien back to Joe's house. Dr. Tracy and David decide to follow along to make sure the alien doesn't get hurt more than it already has been. Joe and J.J. make the genius decision of locking the alien up in the garage. We sure know how secure this property is, after all. The living men bicker a bit about the profit, but smooth-talking Frank calms down their worried little minds and sends them home for the night. Later, Joe and J.J. check out the alien's nifty little gun. You see, it uses the small white sphere as a power source, and the ray gun (which comes off as fairly lame in this movie) is better than any human-made weapon. Joe speculates about how much money he'd make by selling it to the Russians. Oh great, not only is he a redneck, he's also a traitor? Unfortunately, Ethel and Anne appear, and Ethel isn't happy with all this. She wants some answers and Joe is short on those. She's willing to call the police, but somehow she just bends to Joe's will (and to the plot of the movie) and goes away. The next day, Dr. Tracy and David break into the garage to free the alien. You're telling me they waited outside the house all night long? Okay, this movie is really starting to push it. They manage to get the garage door open, and slowly approach the alien, which is tied up and lying on the ground, breathing softly. All the while, that lame synthetic music is playing. Dr. Tracy is in awe at it, which I guess is understandable. They untie it and slowly back away, and the alien slowly gets up and comes to its feet. Outside, Joe leaves the house to meet Frank who has arrived. Apparently, a potential buyer is coming to see the alien. Dr. Tracy, David, and the alien are in the garage, peeking out at Joe and Frank through the window. They decide to make a run for it, whipping the door open and running with all speed. Joe and Frank are flabbergasted, and Frank grabs his gun, shoots, and misses.  Fig. 2 - From left to right, Frank and Joe Meanwhile, Carol watches all this from inside the house, and snatches the alien sphere and gun and runs away. Dr. Tracy and David run through the brush. Carol is also somewhere in the forest, and pauses for a moment, where she's found by the alien. Oh, come on! What are the chances that the alien would find her?! She carefully leaves the gun for the alien, who takes it and heads off again. Joe and Frank pursue the doctor and the boy through the woods. Frank takes a shot that kills Dr. Tracy. He's about to shoot David, but Joe urges him not to. There's a brief burst of some sad piano music that we'll hear again at the ridiculous climax of the film. Just before Frank shoots David anyway, the alien jumps out and kills Frank. Good, I'm glad to see the cast is shrinking. David runs away, but Joe shoots the alien, who falls backwards. Joe approaches it and kicks it in the face while he steals its weapon again. The alien moves and gets up after Joe is gone. David runs through the forest, and through another totally random and chance meeting, bumps into Carol, who takes him to Michael, who is also waiting at some random point in the woods! Does everyone in this town just stand around in the trees all day? They talk, exposit, and show us just how badly they can act. The next scene is utterly useless and was included, I think, as some sort of cheap thrill. It takes place at night in the house. Carol is asleep in bed, when she hears some sounds that wake her up. Scantily clad, she gets out of bed and creeps downstairs. The music is predictably eerie, so I know what's gonna happen next. She goes down to the basement, and stands around for a while so that the alien can lay its hand on her shoulder. She screams and it sort of moves away from her but doesn't hurt her or anything. The scream wakes everyone else up, and Joe is the first one down there with the alien weapon. Naturally, he rushes out the cellar doors and fires out into the nighttime forest. We are forced to endure some more "acting" on the part of Carol before the scene ends. Thanks Don! The next day (I think), Joe wakes up from his bed, the couch in the living room. He finds the house is quite empty, and the family has deserted him. He wanders around outside for a few minutes, looking at the garage. The weather seems really gloomy, there's no sun or anything. We cut to another part of the woods, and the sun is shining brightly. I'm not really surprised. Carol, Ethel, Anne, and J.J. trudge through the woods. Anne suddenly refuses to walk any father, so the rest of the family leaves her behind (!) They proceed to meet David and Michael. I'd love to know how they described these meeting places. Uh yeah, meet me by the bush, you know, the cone-shaped one under the tree? Puh-leeze. Anyway, Michael's plan is to find Joe, get him outside of the house, and disarm him. They head back the way they came, and walk past Anne who is waiting by a tree. There's more of that piano music as they urge her to go along and help. She eventually agrees. Everything in this movie is so awkward! Joe walks around the house, looking particularly dishevelled this day. Later on, he naps, but is awoken by someone knocking at the door. It's Frank's wife Vicki, looking for her dead husband. Joe brings her in, but she gets more and more frustrated with Joe's vague and cryptic answers. He eventually tries to take advantage of her, and she struggles and gets away. He grabs the alien gun, and follows her out of the house before shooting her in the back with it. Okay, well now I know Joe is definitely going to die hard. Feeling alarmed, he approaches her body, grabs her ankles, and drags her away. Where would he take her? He returns to the house, laying the gun down on a table, and resumes drinking like nothing happened. Michael sneaks up around the back of the house and waves the others over. They spy Joe sleeping again on the couch, holding the gun in his hand. The family sneaks into the house and gently pries the gun from Joe's fingers, taking care not to wake him. They grab the sphere and run. Is this the end of the movie? Please? No, it's not over. Michael wants to go and find the alien, while Ethel, J.J., and Anne stay behind to keep Joe distracted in the event that he wakes up. David, Michael, and Carol head out to find the alien. They go to the presumed site of the spaceship crash, and we get to watch 76 seconds of walking, jogging, and running to synth music. I'm guessing Don was reading "Directing for Dummies" as he filmed the movie, but didn't get to the chapter on PACING!  Fig. 3 - From left to right, David, Michael, and Carol At the house, Joe wakes up and is angry that his gun was removed. The family tries to stall him, but he gets even angrier and strikes Ethel and Anne. J.J. tries to fight him, but Joe inexplicably gets away and leaves the house. Wow, for a semi-drunk, oldish, out-of-shape guy, he's quite strong, managing to best his burly, big son. Joe runs through the woods with his rifle, catching up to the others. The other three pause, hearing a sound. It's Joe, so they break into a run. Unfortunately, they don't run for long when they meet a deep, steep-walled ravine in the woods. Cornered, Joe gets back the alien gun. Suddenly, the alien too appears. Yes, this looks like a climactic reunion! Joe shoots the alien with his rifle and it staggers back. He then shoots it with the alien weapon, and it falls back and dies. Michael then lunges forward and attacks Joe while the rest of the family arrives on the scene. The fight between Michael and Joe has really got to be seen to be believed. I've seldom seen a more badly choreographed fight. Nothing was making contact, and the foley was bad. The fight is really goofy, and what's worse, everyone is standing around. There are five people standing around watching, and none of them help Michael! I got so frustrated at this movie that I put down my drink and shouted at the TV! Of course, the fight moves to the very edge of the ravine, and again, inexplicably, Joe has managed to out-fight someone younger and fitter than he. Michael is being choked to death, and everyone just stand around watching. It would be totally easy to grab Joe and pull him back, yank him away from Michael, but no. That would be too easy. And now, time for the ridiculous climax. Ethel grabs the rifle, and we see this in a multitude of slow-motion shots at various angles. Oooh, how artsy! She slowly lifts the rifle up like a club and starts swinging downward on Joe. However, we can clearly see the motion stopping before the rifle really hits the actor. Normally, editing would cover this sort of thing up, but not here. And from this "impact", we cut to a shot of a ridiculous looking piece of fabric that is shaped like a man, flying off the edge of a tall, treeless cliff with great speed and falling. They dubbed in the sound of Joe screaming. I was doubled over in my seat laughing; this was pathetic. Ethel could not have hit him with the kind of force necessary to make him fly over the edge like that. This movie spits in the face of not only my suspension of disbelief, but also the rules of physics. We cut to a shot from the top of the ravine, at Joe's bloody body lying about twenty feet below. That piano music is back, and we get Spielbergian shots of the family members looking down at the dead patriarch. We close the movie with a shot of the dead alien. The credits are as lame as the rest of the movie.
THE END!!!
In retrospect, I think the end of the movie was worth the rest of it. It was so cheesy and awful. However, I must point out that the title is utterly misleading. The "invasion" taking place was quite pathetic, if it indeed was an invasion, and there were no galaxies in this movie. I'd say it was more like "The Forest Time-Waster" or something like that. This was definitely an "inbred movie". I mean, Don Dohler is all over this piece of work, as well as family members (one of them played David, the student). Anne Frith, the housewife with the out-of-place accent, was also a co-producer and a writer. David Donoho's name appears a few times here and there in the credits. I'd say this movie was a project that starred friends of the Dohler family, so in that regard this movie reminds me of Blood Red Planet and other ultra-cheap, independent films. Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000, take note: if you watch the episode where they make fun of Pod People, you'll discover that this movie was the one used in the credits for Pod People. Film Ventures International, the notorious and defunct re-releasing company, had a habit of splicing in new credits for movies they re-released, and this movie was one of them. Bizarre stuff, but it makes me enjoy it all the more so. I also can't figure out of this movie is supposed to be a satire of "hicks" or if the characters just came off as annoying. I dunno. If you like oversized golf balls, rubber alien suits, or a hodgepodge of accents, then you'll like The Galaxy Invader. April 7, 2007 Back to main site? |