Science fiction infected with Disco:
 Starring Caroline Munro, Marjoe Gortner, and Joe Spinell Written by Luigi Cozzi, Nat Wachsberger, and R.A. Dillon Directed by Luigi Cozzi Italian, 1979 Here's another cheesy Star Wars rip-off, although having seen this movie many times, it's not exactly fair to call it that. I prefer to say that Star Wars heavily influenced it. Starcrash is halfway between that movie and an exploitation movie. According to IMDb.com, this movie was nominated for something called a Saturn Award in 1980 for Best Foreign Film. I guess every member of that panel is blind and deaf. Let's watch. The movie opens with some promise, on a starfield. The starfields of this movie are very colourful. Every star has a unique, dazzling colour. There are deep sapphires, amber yellows, emerald greens, and sharp magentas.  Fig. 1 - The stars. I happen to know that magenta is not a spectral colour and as such, there are no stars with that colour, but never mind. A large spaceship slowly flies over the camera. The modelwork is intricate, at least. The spaceships in this movie are basically large agglomerations of random parts glued together. I've been told this phenemonon is called 'kitbashing.'  Fig. 2 - The ship. We get more shots of this large-seeming spaceship. It has the name Murray Leinster on the side, perhaps referring to the real life writer William Fitzgerald Jenkins, who used 'Murray Leinster' as a pen name. Space sounds very windy here. We cut inside this ship, looking down a brightly lit hallway from inside an elevator. Men in gold helmets march up and down the hall. One of them enters the elevator with us. We soon learn that it's not actually an elevator, just a rotating section of hallway. It's really quite useless; they could have simply continued the hallway through this section. In any event, the faux-elevator spins in place, and the man walks out. He enters the bridge of this ship, another brightly lit affair.  Fig. 3 - The bridge. He gets a status report from a subordinate, and we hear the first instance of terrible line delivery in this movie. I suspect English voices were dubbed over Italian-speaking actors, but it sounds like a rehearsal of a high school production: Weird pauses between words, flat delivery, and wooden performances. I smiled. Their ship is heading towards a region known as the "Haunted Stars", searching for the fortress of someone named Count Zarth Arn. We get an exterior shot of the ship flying over a distinctly purple planet. Back inside, we learn that this ship is only looking for the planet of Zarth Arn, and that someone else will come and destroy it. Not very necessary for us to know this, but okay. The captain even mentions a special person aboard. The ship flies over a trio of planets, two scarlet-red ones, and a dazzling white one. The next planet they will survey is described as a "barren desert of whiteness", covered in ice and snow. Suddenly, their ship enters a strange force field of some kind. It's basically a lava lamp effect superimposed onto an exterior shot of the ship. Weird red blobs enter the ship and we know this is all supposed to be bad because the crewmen start screaming, holding their heads and staggering around in agony. While the crew of the ship dies, three escape ships manage to get away. The mothership, meanwhile, coasts towards the planet before exploding in space. Well, so far, I'm not terribly impressed. We get to read an opening crawl set to corny, peppy music: In a time before time, life existed in the other galaxies.A time before time? Wouldn't that imply that the events of this movie never took place? Vast star nations prospered under the kind rule of the Star Emperor.Wow, talk about eeeeeeevil. The Phantom Planet, located in the Haunted Stars? Can you get more evil than that? Even his name is over the top. How can anybody named Zarth Arn be benevolent? Knowledge of this weapon soon reached the Star Emperor. An imperial starship was sent to locate the Count and confirm the existence of such a weapon. The starship was destroyed.I love how bad space operas use the words 'galaxy' and 'universe' interchangeably. They are very different objects. The time had come for rebellion.Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't 'rebellion' misused here? It's not like the Count is in charge of the galaxy/universe... or maybe they're referring to some oppressed people living under the Count... or perhaps they mean that the people living under the Star Emperor are perhaps oppressed in some way... This movie is being so vague with me! Finally, the credits begin. Former preacher Marjoe Gortner stars alongside former Bond girl Caroline Munro. We are in for one hell of a ride. After the title of the film, we learn that Christopher Plummer is in this movie! Shakespearean actor Christopher Plummer?! He must have had some serious bills to pay in the late seventies. John Barry does the music for this movie. He used to do the music for all the James Bond movies. After the credits, we see a small triangular spaceship zoom past the camera. Aboard this ship are our heroes, Stella Star (Caroline Munro) and her extraterrestrial pal Akton (Marjoe Gortner). Despite being an alien, Akton looks like an ordinary guy. The only thing even remotely alien about him is his hair.   Fig. 4a and 4b - Stella Star.  Fig. 5 - Akton. We get plentiful shots of their ship flying past planets and stars. The interior of the ship is quite distinctive, a blend of 1960s psychedelia with a shiny disco look. Stella and Akton have run afoul of the law. They are running from the cops, namely a bald greenish-looking guy named Thor who is the imperial chief of police. Stella cries out for full speed, and here I winced. Caroline Munro has been dubbed out of the film. Speaking for her is some bubbly-sounding woman who can't really act. Despite their attempts to get away, the cops follow. Thor's sidekick is a robot named L (according to IMDb, the name is "Elle", but I prefer L. It's more robotic), who speaks with a southern drawl. The robot attempts to arrest Stella over the radio on smuggling charges. Before we know it, we're witness to a high-speed chase of sorts. They enter Hyperspace to get away from the cops, and the ship is enveloped in cheesy video graphics. Stella hopes their ship will survive the trip, and Akton points out that they have a very small chance of surviving a whole litany of potential accidents that could be waiting for them. Well then, better get that Hyperspace drive tuned up. A good getaway ship is essential for a criminal, no? I get the impression that Akton is more a navigator than a pilot. He also comes off as a bit of a know-it-all. They emerge from Hyperspace, and Stella is about to rejoice when Akton points out that a neutron star lies directly in front of them, threatening to crush them. Great job there, Akton. With triumphant music blaring, they eject a portion of their ship and manage to avoid the star. Marjoe Gortner is really trying to act in this movie; he yells and cheers loudly. He's really kind of frightening. When you combine that with the mental absence in Caroline Munro's lines (or rather, the voice that is dubbed over her's), you get a strange contrast of speech. Akton plots a new course to avoid the cops should they reappear. He points out that the Haunted Stars are very close to their current position. Stella spots something in space. "What in the universe is that?"It's only a spaceship of some kind, and Stella acts like she's never seen one before. Akton points out that it's actually a "launch." I've been told that 'launch' is another word for lifeboat. Stella speculates that the passengers could be wounded and unable to send a distress call, so she volunteers to go aboard and see what's there. What a kind-hearted criminal! In her spacesuit, she appears to swim through space. I love when movies do that. Just because real-life astronauts train in large swimming pools doesn't mean you can swim through space. Inside the launch, Stella walks down a hallway wearing a goofy space helmet.  Fig. 6 - The helmet. The set design is unique, I'll admit. The Italians sure do have a sense of style... of some kind. She finds a body laying in the corridor, a man who is injured but still alive. She takes him back to her ship. We wipe back to Stella's ship. The man is muttering softly. Apparently he's dehydrated and exhausted despite the launch being full of supplies. Akton says he's been muttering about red monsters the entire time. So Akton is able to translate incoherent muttering into words? Must be one of his alien powers. Akton continues to translate, saying that they need to contact the "Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe." The universe is divided into circles, eh? You know what else is divided into circles? Hell. Akton discovers that the man is a member of the imperial navy, and that this is indicative of some major operation that's far above them. Is it just me, or is Akton doing most of the thinking here? Stella doesn't really know what to do next. That's when the cops return. L followed their ship's "friction trail". Police ships surround them, and hearing this over the radio, Stella gives up very easily. Akton is sure they'll get out of this situation. Elsewhere, we see what is supposed to be a large ship floating in space. It's vaguely shaped like an open hand, although it doesn't really look much like one. The model isn't big enough.  Fig. 7 - The evil fortress. Inside, evil looking men in black leather suits and silly helmets march around. Here, we meet Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell), and let me tell you, he is pure eeeeeeevil. He's the Darth Vader of the film  Fig. 8 - Count Zarth Arn. He finds out that one of the crew from the naval ship he destroyed has survived and is on his way to medical treatment, but the survivor is brain damaged and is of no consequence. Why are we seeing this? Anyway, isn't the Count supposed to be on the Phantom Planet? Why is he in space now? The Count calls for his "golems," which in this case are two stop-motion robots, badly superimposed into the shot (they appear to be very small models) that make loud screeching noises when their joints move. The Count has a job for them to do. Something sinister, I'm sure. Somewhere else now, we see a strange alien head inside a glass container. It has little tentacles that writhe about as it speaks. This is a blatant rip-off of the evil Martians from 1953's Invaders From Mars! I couldn't believe it!.  Fig. 9 - The judge. This alien thing is a judge of some sort, and the courtroom looks like a scene from Barbarella. After much deliberation, and with the input of some computers that run the justice system, the judge sentences Akton (who hails from a planet called "Nine Vega") to 220 years of hard labour on the planet of Sekom the Third. Stella Star manages to get a life sentence of forced labour on the penal colony of Nocturn the Second. What were these two smuggling? We cut to the fortress where Stella is being held, another small model. It's night. Inside, there's an elevated platform running over and across some sort of reactor. People are climbing stairs on one side, dropping off large white spheres, and then trudging down another set of stairs on the other side. According to an unseen prison guard yelling orders, the spheres are made of radium. Radium is a highly radioactive metal that doesn't naturally occur in glowing spherical form. The whole set is kind of amateur looking and not really prison-like. Frankly, I do harder work for my summer job. A guard announces that the prisoners will receive five minutes of rest. Oh yeah, that sounds like my factory. Everyone is dressed in dark, dreary clothes... everyone except Stella Star. She's wearing a Bikini of the Future here! We can see lots of very clean skin and nicely styled hair.  Fig. 10 - Space bikini. She complains that she's been working twelve straight hours and that the radiation from the radium is going to burn her skin. Sorry, she looks like she just stepped out of her trailer a few moments before. Actual labour has a look, and she does not have it. She asks some other prisoners about their chances of escape. If they could overfeed the furnace with "energy," the thing would explode and it would somehow allow them to escape. However, a guard overhears the exchange and starts attacking Stella. She fights back, and before you know it, an armed rebellion is taking place in the prison. Ray gun fire is exchanged. The ray guns make really silly noises. The guards are shooting at every single prisoner. Stella picks up a ray gun from the ground. We abruptly cut outside, to a field in the daytime. How did she get out there? She's running through some tall plants and her hair looks different. Back in the prison, a prisoner shoots the reactor and the entire prison fortress explodes with a violent superimposition effect. Oh, so the escape plan causes you to die. That wasn't a very good plan, then. Outside, Stella runs into a clearing, but a ship is landing right in front of her. A ramp extends and she cautiously enters the ship, gun at the ready. She walks through a weird tunnel into the bridge. The lighting is very colourful and moody. It's actually the police ship that had chased her down. Stella sees Thor and L sitting there, and she sneers at them. Stella: "You."Apparently, they had landed there to get her out of jail for work on a special assignment. Their sentences had been cancelled. They quickly take off to get Akton out of jail as well. Are we not going to punish her for actually breaking out of jail? I guess not, because they take off to save Akton. We're only at the other prison for a few moments. The warden (if that's indeed his title) releasing Akton notes that they have only two hours. Two hours for what? It doesn't matter what, now the police ship is approaching the imperial flagship, where the Emperor is staying. The music is soft and quietly heroic. The ship is another hodgepodge of random parts glued together, painted gold. As Stella, Akton, L, and Thor gaze out the window at the ship, a holographic image of the Emperor appears behind their seats. It's Christopher Plummer, wearing a black and gold costume with a cape!  Fig. 11 - The Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe. Everyone turns in awe to listen as he speaks in a practiced, experienced voice. It's the voice of a Shakespearean actor. He explains the situation to us. Apparently, Stella and Akton are the best pilot/navigator combination in the galaxy, so L recommended them to the Emperor for a special mission. You see, the galaxy is divided into two sides, his side and the Count's side, which is the League of Dark Worlds. Apparently, the Count has built a new, evil, limitless weapon that is so big, it needs an entire planet to hide inside. The Murray Leinster got close to finding it, but didn't actually find it. That doesn't make much sense. Unless you already know where it is, how do you know they got close? Now, Stella and Akton are being recruited to do it, as well as to look for the commander of the lost ship, who also happens to be the Emperor's son. Oh, I get it, some nepotism in the military, eh? The projection fades away on a mournful note. Stella seems honoured or something. She's not exactly a criminal type, is she? What are her motivations to help the Emperor? Later on, we see Akton standing in front of a glass globe, saying that he has located one of the lost escape ship from the Murray Leinster. He's taken many different variables into account, such as "pressure of solar wind," and "attraction of nuclear orbits." I have a feeling that last one is a load of nonsense, but never mind. He eventually narrows the location down to the Haunted Stars. He uses his alien powers to project what appears to be an oscilloscopic projection in the air over his hand. How useful. Apparently, it will be found on an unknown planet called Uracus. Using Hyperspace, they shorten a two-year journey into a two-hour long one. L is afraid of Hyperspace, a little. Those cheesy video graphics aren't that scary. So, two hours later, they arrive at the Haunted Stars. We get to watch the crew looking out the window, interspersed with shots of the ship flying in space. Pure padding. Eventually, they approach a planet, presumably Uracus. Stella and L are going down to the surface in a small bubble-shaped shuttle with a mostly transparent top. It's like a popemobile. Stella and L fly their little ship over an ocean. L is nervous about the water, but Stella tries to calm him down with an assertively said statement about how beautiful the water is. He's just a nervous robot, though. Just like a cowardly lion! They find the launch on a beach, and the set isn't that bad. It's a full-scale mock-up of the escape pod, embedded in the rocks and sand as if it had crashed there. The only problem I had was the length of the trench the ship dug out as it crashed; rather than running clear into the water, the trench is about half as long as the ship itself. It doesn't jive. Either way, although L describes the impact as having been "tremendous", it doesn't look like it was tremendous. There isn't enough destruction around. L and Stella look around, and she finds a trident-like laser weapon lying on some rocks near the beach. She and L theorize that the planet is probably inhabited by a civilization independent of the Count's evil influence. Suddenly, L spots horses riding towards them down the beach. According to him, they are "Amazons on horseback." Stella and L just stand on the beach as they approach despite having ample time to run back to their ship and take off. Elsewhere, a dark-haired woman watches the events on a television screen. She's seeing the same shot we just saw. This woman must have an advance copy of the film, like they did in Spaceballs! She mutters to herself, wanting someone to take her revenge. She wants them dead. Whatever. Now we see the Amazon women escorting Stella and L down a walkway. Where are we, exactly? Anyway, aren't Amazon women supposed to be tall? These women are just average. They must be pygmy Amazons. Anyway, the Amazons shoot L in the back, and he falls to the ground. Stella cries out his name and starts fighting. Despite being outnumbered, Stella beats the other women with a series of unconvincing flips and karate chops. However, she's outgunned and so is led to Queen Corelia, the dark-haired woman we saw earlier. As she is herded away, we get a shot of L's hand twitching. Queen Corelia is sure that Stella and L are spies, and apparently she thought the same about the men in the escape pod who she had executed. See, she's in on the Count's secret plans and will defend the location of the secret uber-evil weapon. She does, however, give a clue about the nature of the secret planet. It is guarded by "two packs of murdering guardians." So much for keeping the secret there. As the Amazons prepare Stella for the mind probe (sound familiar?), L barges in with a gun pointed right at the Queen. Stella is released immediately, and our heroes make a quick exit. L gets in one quick jab: "You [unintelligible] trouble, and I'll clean out your sinuses real good, lady."Naturally, a chase begins. L and Stella run down a hallway, and L vaporises some women with his gun. They come to a door, but it's jammed. L uses up the last of his gun's energy to blast it open. Back inside, Queen Corelia awakens the "guardian" with greenish beams coming from her eyes that pass through the television screen and enter the robot. So it's more than a TV, it's an energy conduit as well? The Guardian is a huge metal robot, hundreds of feet tall in some shots and perhaps fifty feet tall in others. It's made of gleaming silver and carries a large sword. It's reminiscent of the giant stone monster in Jason and the Argonauts.  Fig. 12 - The giant robot. It has pronounced breasts, so I presume it's a female robot, if that means anything. Once again, the filmmakers chose to use crude stop-motion animation for the robot, giving it a jerky immobility that really takes away from the potential menace. I couldn't help but laugh at the robot; it walks like a huge toddler. Even worse, the model of the robot casts shadows on the 'sky' behind it. The robot awkwardly lopes down the beach like a clumsy drunk, 'chasing' L and Stella in quite a surreal scene. The scale varies wildly from shot to shot. The robot throws its (or her?) huge sword down at the sand, trapping L inside a rocky outcrop and isolating Stella on the beach. Now the robot has grown in size as it looms over Stella. Stella manages to trip on the sand, somehow, and tries to roll away, shouting the entire time. L manages to push over the giant sword and runs out to help Stella: "Watch out, you big broad!"In the nick of time, the police ship descends behind the robot and shoots it down. Very silently, it falls. L and Stella board the ship as the robot slowly dies, sluggishly twitching. L notes that the Amazon air fighters will be dispatched to try and kill them. Sure enough, we get a shot of five little space fighter ship things, chasing the police rocket. We now begin the highly confusing and pointless space fight scene, lasting 2 minutes and 8 seconds. The scene is very derivative of similar scenes in Star Wars. There are random shots of spaceships cavorting, and people shouting. Marjoe Gortner is trying for that Academy Award again, but incessant yelling won't win you an Oscar. He keeps shouting about "spectra." It's all mumbo-jumbo, as it was meant to be. One by one, the Amazons are destroyed. The ship explosions look like small-scale fireworks superimposed into the starfield. At one point, Stella mentions that there were six fighters when there were only five of them to start with. Trust me on that. Stella, meanwhile, is wearing a tough, angry face that simply doesn't work. It's like watching a supermodel try to emote. So the Amazons are defeated, and the intrepid crew of the police ship are on their way. Akton says that he has located the positions of the third and final launch, as well as the mothership itself. They'll check out the wreckage of the mothership first; it'll pad the film out farther. It's on the third planet of the neighbouring star system. Stella: "I've never been there."I love that little exchange. Not only is Stella turning into one galaxy-class airhead, Akton is introducing some Bad Movie Science. Absolute zero is the lowest temperature possible, when all molecular motions ceases: 0 K, –273.15 °C, –459.67 °F. If the temperature is dropping thousands of degrees, then daytime temperatures on this planet must be close to the surface temperatures of a star. However, I can excuse the movie; perhaps they use a different temperature scale. In any event, the writers should have left that bit of dramatic language out of the movie. We cut to the police ship landed in a snowbound landscape. Stella and L are out in the snow, walking towards a crudely superimposed image of a ship lying on the horizon. Judging by its mottled appearance, I guess it's supposed to be wrecked. Beyond the ship, the clouds are rolling in the sky very quickly. There are some bodies lying frozen in the snow, and neither of them sees the Emperor's son anywhere. Wearing a skin-tight snowsuit, Stella is crestfallen by this latest turn of events. She gives up hope for finding the Count's secret fortress. Well, she is a criminal, I guess she's fairly cynical about things. She thinks that the third launch is probably lost in the stars, despite Akton saying in the previous scene that he had found it. Having gone through their "power-packs," Stella and L leave them behind and head back to their ship. Why does Stella need a power-pack? She's not wearing a spacesuit. Could she be a robot? One funny thing I noted about this scene is that the temperature appears to be fairly warm. We can't see their breaths in the cold, and Stella isn't wearing any sort of tuque or other protection for her head. For such a dangerous planet, the surface conditions look like ones I've encountered on warm March mornings, when the snow is starting to melt. Back at the ship, Akton is sitting in a chair, playing with his alien powers. He has a series of goofy expressions on his face, and an oscilloscope readout is superimposed into the space around his hand. That's a real useful alien power.  Fig. 13 - Akton refines his powers. A husky female voice asks how Akton is doing. It's the ship's computer, literally a huge glowing brain in the middle of the room. Akton touches the brain and says that he's "refining" his powers. The brain asks if everything is okay with Stella and L, and Akton cryptically says that he's "just waiting." Without warning, Akton is struck hard from behind by Thor, who was wielding a pipe or something. We're told that Akton is dead. That was fast and easy. See, Thor is a traitor, a crooked cop, who is working for the Count. He radios Zarth Arn on a television screen, eager to join the Count as his "prince of darkness." I'd demand a snazzier title for myself, but if he likes it, he can keep it. Outside, Stella and L walk. We get a brief shot of a time-lapse shot of some clouds superimposed behind a shot of two mountains. We can see the clouds through the mountains. L says that they are "just a few more radians" away from their ship. Radians are a measure of angles, not distances, but never mind. Thor tries to fly the ship away, but the brain reports a malfunction that it cannot correct. Thor looks around the controls for a few seconds. Stella and L walk. Thor tries to fix the ship. Finally, Stella and L reach the ship and shout at it. Inside, Thor stands up and answers their... shout? Is the hull of their ship that thin? Thor switches on the TV screen to talk to them. Stella and L want in, and the sun is beginning to set. However, Thor reveals his treachery and tells them that he killed Akton before cutting the channel. Stella and L can't believe it, especially L, who has worked with Thor for some time. Stella admits that she was fooled as well. No surprise there. L directs her to lie in the snow face-up, and to hold his hand. Apparently, he will use his energy to keep her heart beating during the intense cold of the night. This isn't possible, is it? Cue the soft music and the sappy dialogue: Stella: "L, as an opponent, I knew you were programmed never to give up... which was infuriating, but now, that quality must be... best. You're the most faithful companion a woman ever had."Oh man. It's good to have qualities that are the best. And by the way, the opening crawl mentioned that this story took place a long time ago and far away, à la Star Wars. That prayer statement seems to suggest that it actually is in our future. I'm a bit confused. No matter, we get a cheapo time-lapse shot of Stella and L getting 'frozen over', or in this case, having increasing quantities of snow sprinkled over them in each transition shot. The shadows seen on the snow clearly indicate that the sun is still high in the sky. Back aboard, Zarth Arn yells at Thor for making him wait. Thor says that he's encountered a delay, and the Count doesn't like that. While Zarth Arn reams Thor, we see Akton starting to wake up behind Thor. Oh, I guess a blow to the shoulder isn't enough to kill someone. Thor has that same look of meek concern he's had on his face throughout the whole movie. Suddenly, Akton cuts the channel. He and Thor fight, with Thor vowing to actually kill Akton this time. You may have to hit him twice with that pipe! There's some kicking and punching, and the fight isn't bad. Eventually, Akton ends up with his head about to be crushed by a hatch. We get a close-up shot of his eyes, and they suddenly flash at the camera. Oh, could this be an alien power? It seems that Akton now has super strength because he begins overpowering Thor. Oh, Akton has the ability to conjure up a deus ex machina whenever it suits him. After some more punching, Thor grabs a ray gun and starts shooting Akton. To Thor's chagrin, the "deadly rays" seem to have no effect. It seems that Akton can collect the energy and reflect it back at Thor, killing him. After making a pose of smug satisfaction, he signals L. Outside, L's hand breaks through the snow. The sun is still up. We wipe to the next scene, aboard the ship. L and Akton place Stella's frozen body inside a chamber in the bridge. Akton holds his hands over her body (this chamber has holes in its wall, so I'm not sure what it's doing there), and some blurred photographic effects envelop Stella's body, indicating that he was warming her up. Oh wow, a new alien power! He can emulate a restaurant heat lamp. Gradually, through a series of transition shots, she's thawed out and wakes up, albeit wet from melted ice and snow. Stella sits up and smiles for the camera for about 5 seconds. Her hair is suddenly dry and nicely styled! I love this movie! Later on, L finds out that the engines of the ship still aren't working. Stella stands around, smiling and wearing her Bikini of the Future again. It turns out that Akton had deliberately sabotaged the engine because he knew Thor would try to seize control of the ship and fly it away. He fixes the minor problem. You and I will now bear witness to perhaps the most ridiculous part of this whole movie. I won't tell you about it. I'll let them tell you. Stella: "Then you knew about Thor."Good gravy, what is this?! There's a law against changing the future? Yeah sure, a law will stop that sort of irresistible scenario. Anyway, weren't these guys criminals? What do they care if it's against the law?! I rewound this scene and watched it again out of sheer disbelief. Well, Stella and L quickly forget about this little ability of Akton's, completely sidestepping the many philosophical topics it brings up. It's as if the scene never took place. They fly through space. I've finally realized the nature of the weird sound their ship makes. It's a police siren. We get 23 seconds of flying footage before they approach a dark purple planet. According to Akton, it's the planet Demondia. Yeah, no evil there I'm sure. It's a barren wilderness, very hostile terrain, et cetera. Suddenly, there's a power failure. It's those red lava lamp blobs attacking their ship now. Apparently they are the "red monsters" that attacked the Murray Leinster, although they don't look very monster-like to me. Every system of the ship is affected; even L starts to malfunction. Stella cries out, holding her head. However, Akton is okay. It's because he's an alien. L falls over, and Akton begs the robot (yelling again) to fight the evil force. I guess this is the Count's secret weapon, then? However, unlike the first ship that got destroyed by this force, our heroes emerge from the field of red blobs unscathed, continuing on towards the planet. Somehow, they survived. Akton laughs and helps Stella to her feet. Akton: "We've just survived an attack of the most powerful weapon in the entire galaxy!"Oh my, I nearly spat out my water with laughter. This woman cannot act. They share a laugh, and it's physically uncomfortable to watch their forced jubilation. She then remembers L, who is still disabled from the attack, but Akton is confident he'll be okay. Oh, are you looking into the future to see that? So our heroes fly down to the planet. On the surface, Stella and L walk about. She's out of her space bikini and into something more conservative. The landscape is rocky and volcanic-looking, with patches of snow here and there, and smoke floating over the ground. It's actually an interesting location for a movie. Apparently, the third launch is inside a nearby crater. L tries not to show his nervous state. Meanwhile, a creature dressed in black and with a gold face is watching them from a distance. Stella and L find the launch, another large model lying in a gully. L takes lead, noting that it's time for some "robot chauvinism," and heads down to have a look while Stella remains at the edge of the crater. He walks around the launch, notes a hole in the hull, and starts crawling inside. Without warning, flying and leaping cavemen ambush Stella. They literally jump about as if they're wearing spring-loaded shoes. L starts shooting and vaporises a few of them, but one smacks L across the back of his head with a club and breaks the head right open. L falls to the ground, broken and getting smashed to bits, shooting sparks into the air. Not a tough robot, considering it's a police robot! He was easy to kill. The cavemen take Stella away to their camp, using a piece of wreckage to transport her. We wipe to the next scene, showing Stella tied upside-down as the cavemen eat and dance around some fires in the dark of nighttime. She's shouting and squirming, but going ignored. The cavemen make lots of grunting and shouting noises. Very typical movie cavemen. Just then, accompanied by a blast of music, the alien with the golden face appears and starts shooting the cavemen using laser beams that shoot out of its eyes. I think the soundtrack has about four or five different pieces of music. I keep hearing the same cues over and over again. The bewildered cavemen scatter. That's odd, they didn't run away when L started shooting them. The alien comes down and unties Stella. It's speaking English, and we see that the alien is actually wearing a mask. I think it's supposed to be a mask; no make-up job could be that bad. The alien leads Stella away from the campsite, and we suddenly cut inside a cave, into which they run. I love jarring cuts. They find a safe spot to rest. He pulls off the gold mask, and we see it's actually David Hasselhoff of Baywatch fame! He points out that he was wearing an "energy shield mask." His name is Simon, the only survivor of the Murray Leinster He fears that they are lost. Lost where, inside the cave? On the planet? Stella is surprised to meet a survivor from the wreck. Simon and Stella chat a bit about the monsters. He says they're stuck in the cave for the moment because of the cavemen and because there's "no time left." No time left for what? Simon is giving some really cryptic lines. So they walk on through the cave, and they have to creep through a portion of it. Stella says that this particular cave looks safe, but I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or not. Right on cue, cavemen appear out of nowhere, armed with clubs, and there's a fight scene with cheesy foley effects. Eventually, the cavemen seem to be winning, when a new person appears, wielding a blue lightsaber! This person is in silhouette initially, but the hair instantly tells me that it's Akton. Anyway, the lightsaber makes a silly slide-whistle kind of sound as it extends. He swipes at the cavemen and kills or maims many of them before they eventually run off. Akton laughs like a psycho. Stella says that Akton must have known about this whole fight in advance. Isn't this an alteration of the natural future? Isn't this against the law? Before we can ponder this point, Simon realises that there must be a team working to find the Count's planet, and that there could still be a chance of finding it. However, Akton says that they've already found the planet. How convenient. Remember the Amazon Queen? She mentioned that there were "two packs" of bad guys guarding the planet? Well, apparently the red blob thing that attacked them is one pack, and the group of cavemen (Akton calls them troglodytes) is the other. But isn't the red monster thing the Count's actual weapon? This movie is so confusing! Simon seems amazed by Akton's deductive skills: Simon: "This [is the Count's planet]? That's incredible, it was here and I didn't even realise it."Oh, sorry us humans aren't as smart as the great Akton! Anyway, our group of three heads off to destroy "the machinery" of the planet, which I guess is the Count's evil mega death weapon thing. It's not exactly clear. So we get 31 seconds of walking scenes through dark and eerie caverns, before approaching a large door superimposed over the wall of a cave. Without opening the door (I guess it simply opened while I wasn't looking), they walk inside an artificial hallway, with technology all over the walls. Everything is quiet and still, and nobody else is around. This film's use of poorly done matte shots is irritating. The walls are quite clearly miniatures superimposed around the actors.  Fig. 14 - The hallway. Get a load of some of this dialogue: Akton: "This is the Count's secret domain, the very heart of the phantom planet. From here, he planned to control the entire universe."The movie is starting to get all metaphysical with this destiny talk. Soon Marjoe Gortner might start incorporating his preacher act! They walk through the hallway, and there's still no one around, not even a lone henchman or anything. Talk about crack security. Stella, Simon, and Akton enter an elevator and Akton says it will take them to headquarters. Akton knows simply everything! They enter a room lined with glowing orbs, the "nerve centre" of the entire operation. These orbs are, in fact, computers, all pre-programmed and automatic. Stella is amazed at these computers. Why? Isn't this the future? We have such technology today! According to Akton (who else?), the computers projected the red monsters into their brains as they approached the planet, that there were no monsters in reality. This is the Count's secret weapon; he can kill the crews of approaching spaceships with fear. That doesn't explain why L broke down, or why the power went out aboard their ship. Stella wonders how they survived when the crew of the Murray Leinster (Simon excepted) all died. Guess who answers the question: Akton: "Usually the amount of time [for an attack] is enough to drive most people insane, but we're not like most people."That's it. That's the explanation. Way to go, screenwriters. Basically, they survived because It's In The Script. Our heroes slowly approach the master control panel, spending about 18 seconds walking a very short distance. Akton says that destiny must take its course, and Stella wants to destroy the panel and the weapon. Just then, those two robots we saw earlier with the Count appear. They're really noisy when they move. They are followed by some men, and the Count himself in his expansive cape.  Fig. 15 - The bad guys. The Count approaches Stella and company, saying that they have survived every trap he'd laid out for them. Now the entire planet is set to self-destruct with them on it. So, you built an ultra-secret weapon to take over the universe, and now you're going to destroy it just like that? Wow. There's only "half a quadrant" of time left, which the Count interprets as meaning less than an hour. Even worse, the Count told the Emperor where to find the weapon, so he'll be there as well when the planet explodes, killing him too. The Count calls Simon "your highness," and we find out (confirmation from Akton, naturally) that Simon is actually the Emperor's son. Oh man, what are the chances of that?!  Fig. 16 - Simon. The Count laughs an evil laugh and instructs the golems not to let Stella et al leave the room for any reason. I saw this bit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The Count then lets out a full-blown evil laugh and sweeps out of the chamber in the elevator with all his men. We get a brief shot of a ship flying away from the planet. I assume the Count is aboard. Back in the control room, the robots guard Stella, Simon, and Akton. The robots have swords. Akton, however, knows what to do, and whips out his lightsaber (that sounds so... dirty when I type it) that has mysteriously changed colour to green. Akton engages the awkwardly-moving robots in a sword fight. I love the poor quality of the stop-motion animation here; the robots look like they're skiing across the room! The fight begins; Simon and Stella watch with blank stares. 23 seconds into the fight, Akton kills one of the robots, causing it to fade away. I didn't know robots could disappear like that. However, the other robot manages to get Akton in the arm and Akton falls, apparently incapacitated. Simon takes the lead, fighting the remaining robot, while Stella watches and looks pretty. She calls out and pulls Simon back for no reason in the middle of the fight, allowing Akton to run at the robot and knock it over into a computer, which then explodes. In space, the Emperor's ship approaches Demondia and prepares to land. The Emperor looks on, seated in his throne. Akton is apparently mortally wounded. Stella tries to encourage Akton, but he won't move. Apparently, it's his destiny to die, and he cannot go against it. This movie is suggesting that while prescient people have free will, they are obligated by something to follow the path they have seen. I'm guessing none of the screenwriters ever read Dune. This movie is skimming over some very deep philosophical issues that might actually have made it a much more interesting movie. Anyway, Akton says that he's "no longer useful at this time," and just wants to die despite being able to heal himself. Simon even offers to carry him away, but Akton urges them to live on. Stella won't leave him: Stella: "You're the only human-like friend I've ever had."The music gets sappy, and Akton says that he'll live forever. In our hearts. Simon and Stella reluctantly leave. Caroline Munro can't really act. I'm sorry, she just can't. She doesn't look sad, or distressed. She looks confused. Akton watches them go before his body changes into a mess of vibrating, squiggly lines that fade away. Just then, men burst out of the elevator, followed by the Emperor himself. Christopher Plummer looks very uncomfortable to be there. Simon tells his father that they must leave, that the planet is rigged with nuclear explosives, and that there are only forty-eight seconds to go before the planet explodes. We now encounter the second major deus ex machina of the film: Emperor: "You know something, my boy? I wouldn't be Emperor if I didn't have some powers at my command."He then takes a dramatic step forward, and calls out his next line with perfect Shakespearean diction: "Imperial battleship! Halt the flow of time!"Yes, gentle reader, when the movie ends up in a corner, it will do anything to escape... including halting the flow of time so that the good guys can get away. I simply cannot believe this. More specifically, the time halting ray works by "immobilizing" every molecule in the path of the ray. So, shouldn't they be immobilized too? I mean, as far as they would know, the ray would begin and then immediately end! Oh my God, this movie is killing me! In space, the Emperor's ship (which was supposed to land) fires a greenish ray at the planet. The Emperor explains that the green ray can hold time for only three minutes. Now, I've done some timing. The ray is fired when there are 12 seconds left in the countdown, and everyone stands around for another 20 seconds after that while the Emperor explains the situation to them. That leaves 3 minutes and 8 seconds to take the elevator to the surface, get into their shuttle, take off, fly to the mothership, dock, and fly to a safe distance from the planet. No, no, no. I'm sorry. I'll believe the time halting thing, but this is ridiculous. Worst of all, in the next scene we will see the Emperor's ship flying away from the planet after the ray terminates for 29.7 seconds, when there should be only 12 seconds left in the countdown, so the ray must have reversed time... but I'll let that one slide. Anyway, Stella glances back at Akton's final resting place as they leave. So I guess they make it, because we cut to the Emperor's ship departing the planet, which explodes behind them. In the throne room, the Emperor plans. See, the Count thinks they're all dead now, which gives them the element of surprise. They'll attack the Count's headquarters before his fleet can join him in space, thus somehow saving billions of lives. So, small space fighters depart from the battleship very dramatically, in scene compositions directly stolen from Battlestar Galactica. The music is heroic and mighty, and the stars are a rainbow of colours. We get to watch this for a mind-numbing 69 seconds. The Emperor watches as the fighter squads approach the Count's claw-shaped base. Inside this lair of evil, the Count has naturally surrounded himself with a bevy of scantily clad women of various colours. He hears about the Emperor's forces approaching and is alarmed by these developments. The Count resolves to wipe out the Emperor completely: Count Zarth Arn: "By sunset, I'll be the new Emperor, and I'll be the master of the whole universe!"Isn't sunset in space a bit of a moot point? Anyway, the line would have more dramatic power if we actually knew what time it was. The individual fingers of the giant metal claw curl, suggesting that the fist is clenching. Good Gravy, this movie is cheesy. The small fighters approach and start blasting with lasers, thus beginning the 1-minute-and-31-second long space battle. Lots of laserfire is exchanged, and there are lots of little (and I mean tiny) explosions on the surface of a model. Inside the Count's fortress, stuff is sparking and men are running around. The battle continues. There's very little continuity in the battle, just near-random shots of lasers, ships, and explosions. The Emperor watches. Several golden torpedoes approach the Count's base, moving at high speed. They smash through the windows and land on the floor not far from the Count, and soldiers pop out shooting! This scene makes me laugh; it's so dorky, not to mention completely impossible. They'd all be sucked out into space, but not in this movie. I guess if you can halt the flow of time, you can do anything you like. Simon is happy about how the battle is going. Stella gives the Emperor a status report. The three of them are basically watching everything on a large screen. I have to say, Stella isn't much of a hero in this movie. After she got caught by the cavemen, her character really became a background figure. Using recycled footage from the Amazon air fighter attack, we see a row of fighters zoom through space, shooting. The battle rages on, and the Count seems to be staying on the bridge directing the fight. I'd expect his type to quietly run away and leave his men to die, but he doesn't. That's interesting. Another torpedo bursts in and some more good guys emerge to fight. Some of the torpedoes are destroyed in mid-flight. It's very unclear who is losing or winning. The Count then changes tactics, and uses a small squad of robot drone things (I think they're robots, it's suggested that they aren't human) to wipe out most of the Emperor's men. Eventually, the Count regains control, successful in resisting the Emperor's attack. Christopher Plummer looks uncomfortable. The Count shoots the last surviving good guy through the chest, and then orders his men to use his "mightiest weapon: The Doom Machine" against the Emperor's home planet. Oh, is this the Count's secret weapon? I'm confused now. He and his men cheer the Count's name over and over again. Stella is downtrodden by this. It seems that they've lost. Simon looks sad, and the Emperor speaks in low tones. What, were there only a dozen soldiers on your whole ship? It seems, though, that there is just one last chance, something called "Starcrash." Oh, you're going to force the Count to watch this lousy movie? No, "Starcrash" refers to what Simon calls a "forth-dimensional attack." The Emperor explains: "If we can re-enter space at the precise moment, the impact of surprise upon the Count will be so overwhelming, that he cannot halt us."Simon says that there isn't a weapon capable of doing this, but the Emperor knows of one: "The Floating City." The Emperor is even better than Akton when it comes to getting out of tough spots! Although it is unfortunate to have to destroy the city in the process, it is necessary. Oh, so by "forth-dimensional attack", you meant simply ramming one giant spaceship into another giant spaceship. Okay. I think that's kind of a stupid plan, but what do I know? I'm sure the people who live there won't be happy about losing their homes like that. Back at the Count's base, he rushes about, eager to use his Doom Machine against the Emperor's ship. Oh, did he use it on the Emperor's planet already? Maybe he just changed his mind. Apparently, it will be fifteen minutes before it can be fired. The police ship flies off to meet the Floating City, which is less than two minutes away. Aboard, Stella and Simon prepare to dock with it. The city is ahead, already evacuated and ready for destruction... all in the space of about fifteen minutes? Stella plans to enter the city alone to fly it through space, and Simon is reluctant to let her go. He presents her with L, who has been repaired by the Emperor's technicians. Gee movie, thanks for letting us know beforehand. Stella is happy to see him. L: "It's so nice to be turned on again."Stella and L climb into that landing pod we saw earlier in the movie, and fly to the Floating City. Its exterior is very colourful, like it's decked out for Pride Week or something. Once again, it's simply a conglomerate of model parts all glued together into one big mass.  Fig. 17 - The Floating City. They get on an elevator that takes them to the control room. How convenient. Sitting down now, they prepare to move the city. It sluggishly moves forward through space. The Emperor watches the city move with a blank stare on his face. The city approaches the Count's fortress, and they spot it coming: Elric: "My Lord!"That passage sounds funny if you hear it. Anyway, the fist clenches again. Fighters are dispatched to shoot at the city, but it's too big to stop. There's a minor laser battle, and Stella sets the engines at full power. Before she and L exit the doomed city, she sets the controls to automatic. Back in the fortress, the Count's men abandon him and Elric urges the Count to leave with them, but he refuses. Stella puts on a spacesuit and hops out a window into space, with L not far behind. She swims through space again. The city crashes into the fortress. Zarth Arn stands alone, shouting his own name as everything explodes around him. We watch small explosions and fires for the next 51 seconds, but no massive explosion that destroys the fortress outright. That would be too big for the budget. The Emperor watches and closes his eyes again. Stella swims through space in her skin-tight spacesuit. Simon flies over in the police ship to rescue her and L. She gets picked up, and meets Simon on the bridge:  Fig. 18 - L watches Simon and Stella. Simon: "Stella!"They suddenly embrace, and L watches with robotic bemusement. The Emperor closes the film with a soliloquy of sorts, looking right into the camera and speaking gently:  Fig. 19 - Delivering the epilogue. "Well, it's done. It's happened. The stars are clear. The planets shine. We've won. Oh, some dark force, no doubt, will show its face once more. The wheel will always turn, but for now, it's calm, and for a little while, at least, we can rest."We cut to the credits, and after much laughter, it's
THE END!!!
This movie is a unique creature. First, I'll talk about the actors. Caroline Munro, who played Stella Star, is an ex-Bond henchman. She had a minor role in one of my favourite movies, The Spy Who Loved Me as the evil but seductive helicopter pilot Naomi. Apparently, her career didn't do much after that. She has a British accent, and in this movie, she was dubbed out. Marjoe Gortner, a.k.a. Hugh Marjoe Ross Gortner, was an evangelical preacher who made quite a living by preaching in the 1960s and 70s. He spearheaded an Oscar-winning documentary called Marjoe about just how lucrative the business of preaching can really be. Christopher Plummer, a fellow Canadian, has been called North America's premier Shakespearean actor and has appeared in movies like The Sound of Music, The Man Who Would Be King, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, and Twelve Monkeys. What the hell was he doing in this turkey? There are lots of other people in this movie I've seen before, like Robert Tessier as Thor and Joe Spinell as the Count, and of course, David Hasselhoff as Simon. Still, no amount of talent could save this movie from its silly storyline and highly unoriginal plot. Still, I can't say that the movie is slow. It's definitely quick and light. I laughed through many scenes, which is always nice. The soundtrack wasn't bad, but it was repetitive. I don't think John Barry put much effort into it. I read somewhere, after seeing the movie, that it was in and out of theatres in Europe in just one week. According to IMDb, Roger Corman gets involved after that point, using it to test the American low-budget sci-fi space opera market before making his own version, Battle Beyond the Stars. Hopefully I'll get to see that movie too and compare it to this one. I wonder if that screenplay is as goofy as this one was; there were so many cheap turns and twists in the plot in this movie. Halt the flow of time. I'm gonna start using that line. Bottom line, this is a glitzy, vapid movie, influenced by a multitude of prior films and visual styles, polished to a disco shine, given the Italian stamp of approval, and thrust out there for the world to see. I think this might become one of my favourite movies. So if you like robots with breasts, space bikinis, or evil laughter, watch Starcrash. August 13, 2007 Back to main site? |