A Lifeless Planet Teeming With Life:
 Starring Gennadi Vernov, Maime van Doren, and Georgi Tejkh Written by Henry Ney, Aleksandr Kazantsev, and Pavel Klushantsev Directed by Peter Bogdanovich and Pavel Klushantsev American, 1968 (for some parts) This is quite a movie. I've been looking for it for some time, and now I have it. The story behind it is as interesting as the movie itself. In 1962, a movie called Planeta Bur (Planet of Storms) is released in the Soviet Union about a trip to Venus. Now, a few years later, Roger Corman shows up and buys the rights to Planeta Bur to get his hands on a song contained within. Seeing this perfectly good movie laying around, he decides to get some directors to come and use it. A young director named Peter Bogdanovich comes along and splices his scenes into a dubbed version of Planeta Bur. The result is this movie, Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women, a disjointed and incredible film about a trip to Venus... or something. The film begins abruptly with narration basically informing us on the state of the American space program. We see shots of models of spacecraft soon to be in use by NASA, like the Apollo moon landers, as well as some space-ish looking planes and missiles. Before I can laugh my ass off at the poor quality of the models, the narrator informs us that we are indeed looking at models.  Fig. 1 - A model of a future spacecraft. Finally, we're shown what appears to be a wheel with a radius measured in inches. "Wheel was one of man's first inventions, and has been with him all his civilized life, but now it, like so many of his other creations, must be modified to meet his new demands."Once again, mankind is a 'he'. I just want to know why this is. We see these modified wheels spinning around on a surface. We see more objects including what could be a clothes hangar, and close-ups of rocket engines, with chrome and steel pipes and bolts and other parts. The narrator starts talking about colonies too, and how we will all be living in space. "The motion picture you are about to see can be called today a fantasy of the future, but one day, maybe not too far distant, audiences will be able to look back on it in the same spirit with which we view pictures about the first covered wagons."And so, from this corny 2 minute and 38 second-long introduction, we cut abruptly to the ocean, with water crashing over a rocky shore. We see the title of the movie appear. Well, so much for credibility. I guess I won't be looking back on this in the same spirit with which I view most other movies. I just laughed when I saw the title, as I do each time I see this title. The title is in stylized lettering that on screen looks like "Doyage fo fhe Planet of Prehistoric Women". Anyway, we hear odd sounds in the background, wailing sing-songy sounds that sound echoed and distant, like a siren's song. The credits last an even 2 minutes, and because nothing is going on except more waves breaking ashore, they're very boring. Finally, we hear narration. It's Peter Bogdanovich himself, practising his Shatner: "Venus... Venus... A planet named after the Goddess of Love... This is... where I left her... twenty-six million miles away... because I know she exists, I know she does, I know it... all the time we were there, I heard her... her and the sweet, haunting sound she makes."He will retell his story for us. I'm so excited. During this narration, we're shown views of weird rocky landscapes with granite cliffs and boulders. Much of the movie will be driven by narration.  Fig. 2 - Venus, circa 1962 It all happened two years before, in the very futuristic year of 1998. 1998? Anyway, in 1998, we sent our very first manned mission to Venus. We see a model of a spaceship drifting among the stars. Unfortunately, says our narrator, it was struck by an asteroid and destroyed. We get to see this happen, and the explosion looks pretty cheesy. No debris. Very complete annihilation. So, six months later, a second trip was planned. What was the point of mentioning the first failed one? We see a large rocket on a launch pad, with the tower retracting as it prepares for takeoff.  Fig. 3 - Ready for takeoff It doesn't look bad - we even see people walking and driving around at the bottom of the picture, superimposed into the scene. A close-up of the rocket model shows that the Russian movie had a decent budget. The narrator tells us that the codename for Mission Control is "Marcia". Well, that's abnormal. We cut to Mission Control, or Marcia if you're indulging the movie. Everyone there reports that all systems are go for takeoff. The tower and elevators retract, and the countdown is proceeding despite the fact that we don't hear it. No, it's represented graphically by two dots on a screen moving closer and closer together until touching. The rocket fires its engines, revealing a red star on one of its fins. It sluggishly lifts off into the nighttime sky, and dramatic music accompanies the takeoff. It flies through some clouds, and then into space. The narrator tells us that on board are two men, Commander Alfred Kerns (Georgi Tejkh), leader of the mission;We see a shot of John. He's a big, decent looking robot standing in a corner of the rocket. We also see a tight close-up of Kerns talking to the robot, waking it up. Kerns is really creepy and evil looking in this shot.  Fig. 4 - Commander Kerns John wakes up. While talking, John makes a sound that can be heard inside the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise on Star Trek. So the rocket flies, away from Earth and apparently towards another, Earth-sized planet in the vicinity of Earth that is present in the shot. I suppose Mr. Bogdanovich didn't care too much about astronomical reality when he was splicing the hell out of the Russian film. Narrator tells us the rocket flies halfway to Venus before stopping off at the space station "Texas" for refuelling. Yeah, since the real Texas is full of oil, it's good to name an interplanetary Exxon "Texas". The space station model is decent as well. Some astronauts appear on the deck of the station and wait for the approaching rocket, which will appear to change shape several times during the various rocket-in-flight shots. The rocket manages to dock with the station and begin refuelling. Narrator tells us that there are three astronauts on Earth who will be going to Venus on a follow-up mission in the event of this mission failing. He names them: Commander William "Billy" Lockhart, leader of the second mission;This backup crew is listening to the rocket on the radio, and they are tense and a little worried about the mission. After all, the first one was destroyed. Eventually, Kerns calls in saying that they're refuelled and ready to go. We see some shots of a rocket docked to the station, which slowly spins in space. However, this rocket doesn't look like the one that took off from Earth, so I can only assume that this is perhaps random footage of a different rocket at the station. Hmmm. Aboard the Venus-bound rocket, Kerns and Sherman are in silvery space suits (this is the future, remember), and their chairs tilt back as a countdown proceeds on the large round screen in front of them. Once again, it's a graphical countdown with no numbers involved. A klaxon-type thingy sounds and gets pretty damn annoying as the countdown proceeds. This countdown, basically 39 seconds of pointless padding, finally ends before the rocket fires its engines and pulls away from the space station. The astronauts on the platform wave at them as they leave. With all that behind them, the intrepid men fly to Venus in their rocket for a little while. Andre breaks the monotony: "And then they saw it! Venus!"What, did the planet sneak up on them? We too get to see Venus. We are treated to a strange image, a rolling cloud of smoke that doesn't really look like a planet at all.  Fig. 5 - Venus from space On the rocket, during a short but jumbled sequence of shots, Kerns and Sherman prepare to land, taking scientific measurements. Kerns stands by a window looking out pensively, muttering to himself. "A planet of fire below us. Is it a new world, or will it consume us all?"Huh? Yes, another attack of Really Bad Movie Philosophy! Preparations continue. After a short while, I assume they're ready to land. We see a shot of the rocket, and the astronauts tilting back in their chairs again. The stars move erratically outside the window as the rocket reorients itself. We then see footage of the takeoff in reverse. Unfortunately, problems arise. We see what looks like an asteroid approaching the rocket. On Earth, the three backup astronauts listen to Kerns mention black clouds over the radio. Something is wrong, and control of the rocket is handed to John. John reports a steep mountain range near their landing site, and he flies "up" to avoid them. We see brief shots of part of that asteroid again. They're safe now, but there's water over their landing site. They note how "prehistoric" this planet is. We hear a crashing sound, and nothing comes in over the radio. That was a strange scene. What was the deal with that asteroid they saw? It wasn't Venus, and Venus has no moons so WTF? I rewound this scene and watched it again, and I still didn't get it. Oh well, it's not important. All we need to know was that Kerns and Sherman crashed. Andre tries calling them over the radio, but he gets no response. Maybe that's because, at minimum, there's a four minute round-trip lag between Venus and Earth. Andre realizes that they have to go to Venus themselves to rescue Kerns and Sherman. So they get ready to take off, and we get to see repeated footage from the beginning of the movie! Yes, we see the rocket on the launchpad and the elevators pulling away. This lasts 20 seconds. It's all padding. We cut to Venus, and I was intrigued by how the surface was portrayed. It's rather cloudy, but it looks like an overcast day on Earth. There are some weird plants growing out of the ground that look all twisted and gnarled, like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. There's also a lot of water, giving the area the appearance of a swamp, and it's foggy. Definitely not like the real Venus, but I forgive this movie. I don't think they knew too much about Venus back in 1962. It's a visually interesting scene, and again, the Russian movie had to have had a respectable budget. We see John walking slowly through the swamp, missing an arm and his head. Kerns stands there, in a cool-looking space suit, holding John's head and guiding the robot. Suddenly, Kerns and Sherman are accosted by walking lizards that look like Godzilla! This movie is cool! Guys in Godzilla suits fighting astronauts on Venus! There's a few of these mini-Godzillas, jumping around and being all menacing and scary. Sherman and Kerns fire at them with futuristic-looking pistols that fire some kind of invisible projectile or energy burst. Kerns hurries to attach John's head while Sherman falls down and gets attacked.  Fig. 6 - Venusian creatures Kerns orders the robot to walk away and find safety, drawing the lizards away from the two men. Later (I guess), John has a rope tied around him, which is attached to their rocket (I think). The rocket doesn't look like it's standing straight, but we don't actually see it in its entirety. Sherman isn't too happy to be there now. Kerns: "Why don't you catch a bus and go home?"Oh, that's not true; the 45-A visits Venus every twenty minutes! (BTW, that's the bus I took to work.) John pulls on the rope, having the strength to lift whatever it is he's tugging on. The astronauts are going somewhere that involves the taut rope, but this isn't made clear. Andre says that "within two hours," he and his party are ready to depart Earth. Two hours of what, getting Kerns' last message? That's mighty fast! Even then, it takes months to get to Venus. We see the takeoff again and the ascent, adding another 53 seconds to the length of the movie. The rocket flies, and like before has a rendezvous with Space Station Texas for refuelling. Here, we see the word "TYPHOON" stenciled on the side of the rocket. Is typhoon a Russian word? We also see a neat shot of an astronaut floating around the space station. Andre then says that refuelling was done in record time, which is good for us as well as him. Aboard, Andre's voiceover waxes philosophical for us while we get to see him muttering to himself and scratching his chin for 8 seconds. So the rescue crew lands on Venus. It appears to be very cloudy and dark on their way down through the atmosphere, but they land. The crew gets up from their chairs and note the gravity now present. The dubbing job is actually not too bad. They look out one of the windows, but see only vapour outside their ship. However, using a device Walters calls a "Telescreen", they can see the rocky ground outside. Whoa, a telescreen?! Isn't that the nightmare surveillance machine in 1984? This really is a Soviet picture! Andre switches on the external microphones, and the crew hears the weird, wailing/moaning sound of Venus. They also hear a different sound, a brief sing-songy cry, sounding distant. Lockhart keeps the mission moving, preparing to leave the rocket and explore their surroundings. We cut to them climbing off the rocket and exploring Venus. They landed in a drier area than the first mission, the ground dominated by rocks of varying sizes and small pools of what appears to be water. There are some large boulders in the background. Andre looks around, crouching by a puddle and dipping his hand into it. As we learned in 12 to the Moon, dipping your hands in alien fluids is a no-no. I guess the Soviets just HAVE to get their hands in everything. Andre tells us how much he's fascinated by the landscape, and how he's forgotten all about Kerns and Sherman. How callous! Lockhart and Walters are back at the rocket, discussing things. Apparently, Marcia has detected Kerns and Sherman from Earth via radar. Referring to Earth as Marcia is just so weird! Actually, I have a theory about this, which I will discuss after the review. Anyway, Andre is looking around some large boulders, when his ankles get grabbed by big vines. Lockhart and Walters don't notice at first, but then they come out of their trance (?) and call out Andre's name, rushing to him. Apparently, Andre had tied himself to a rope attached to the rocket, and they follow this rope. Andre struggles against the vines, and drops his knife in the process. Lockhart and Walters show up, and find that Andre is in the clutches of what appears to be a giant anemone with lots of tentacles and four petals. This movie is a real find! The astronauts fight the anemone (this is a hard word to say - amenome, amenommene, amenonemone, etc.) for 27 seconds, trying to get Andre out.  Fig. 7 - Venusian anemone After he's free, he rushes back to get a picture of it, but it chooses this time to close its petals and cover itself all up. Walters and Lockhart tell Andre to be more careful, and that if they didn't hear him calling their name, they never would have come to his rescue. Andre says that he didn't call their name. Oh boy, here we go. General confusion remains over this issue, but the men sort of dismiss it. And so, they set off to find Kerns and Sherman using their "space car", a prop that flew straight out of The Jetsons. It looks very similar to the cars featured in Wild, Wild Planet, but this one moves a heck of a lot slower, bobbing up and down as it slowly covers ground. Walking is faster than this thing. We can see, though, that it does indeed hover over the ground. I didn't see any wheels or strings or anything. Good effort on the filmmakers' part, I must admit. During their search, they make a distant pass of a brontosaurus (!!) eating by the edge of the cliff.  Fig. 8 - The space car Meanwhile, Kerns and Sherman wander around with John through a field of boulders. They're tired and Sherman wants to stop and rest, but Kerns says they're running out of air and they must continue onwards. He implies that he doesn't expect to be rescued, especially through the intense heat they're supposedly walking through. They're generally feeling ill, particularly Sherman, who has apparently ripped a hole in his spacesuit which is allowing infection in. I didn't see this. We cut to a waterfall over rocky cliffs and boulders all over the place. We get a good shot of John's clawed metal feet. John whines about being too wet in this area. He's made of iron? Kerns orders John to find shelter while he and Sherman hobble along. Sherman falls, and Kerns slowly helps him over to a cave John has found. They sit down inside, Kerns ordering John to stay with them. Kerns then keels over, blabbering: "Must... must continue to work the laws of mathematics, there's always a precise probability mathematics might prove... mathematics might..."What? WTF is up with that line? Hey, math is cool, but not that cool. I guess, when dubbing a movie, it's easier to shove random words into the actor's mouth than to actually think and come up with a coherent line that also fits. Sherman too is rambling, begging for "Marcia, purest Marcia" to save them. Uh, is Marcia still Mission Control? John stands there, and his final orders from Kerns are to help the others find them, which he will do. Meanwhile, the three stooges are driving around in their little space car when they decide to stop and clamber out. They don't expect to find Kerns and Sherman. What happened to Marcia's radar data? USE IT!! No no, that's too easy. They get out and do more looking around. Suddenly they hear that wailing sing-songy sound we heard over the credits, the same sound they heard briefly aboard the rocket, and note how it sounds like a girl singing. We abruptly cut to some rocks on the ocean. Waves break over them. As the camera pans, we see some women in bikini tops lounging around on the rocks. They all have white hair, blue skin, and white makeup around their waists. They also have seashells covering their breasts. They're like mermaids, but without the tail. Anyway, there are a few of them lying around the rocks, and they can't be comfortable. The leader of the girls, Moana (Mamie van Doren), sits up and looks around. She then speaks telepathically to the other women, slowly getting them up and awake. She sounds like she's talking through a telephone. I guess that's what telepathy sounds like. According to Moana, their "sisters are calling." They have to go into the sea to eat.  Fig. 9 - The women Back in the first movie, the astronauts walk. Andre thinks it really is a girl singing at them. Lockhart is optimistic about the idea of intelligent life living on Venus. Like in Fire Maidens of Outer Space, intelligent life is referred to as "people". The women wade out into the sea, going out until the water is at shoulder height. They swim and dive down to catch fish, which they promptly eat. We get to see them tear guts and entrails out of these fish as they savagely eat them. Cool. The astronauts are still standing around, looking around and seeming to have forgotten about Kerns and Sherman. Walters is surprised anyone in their right mind would explore Venus. Why do you say that? It's a planet populated by Godzillas and giant amenonmenomenomnenmomnes! No, life doesn't make a planet interesting. Lockhart is glad to be there. They pile back into their space car and drive off again. Meanwhile, the girls dive under the waves for shells. I guess they need new bras. We suddenly see a shot of a 'giant' pterodactyl, flying through the air. It's not a very good model, but it's passable. It flaps its wings. The girls float in the water and look up at it. Moana explains that this giant animal is Ptera, their god. Ptera sounds angry. The space car is now driving over the water. Inside, Andre tries calling Kerns and Sherman over the radio, but nothing is getting through. They occasionally catch glimpses of a female voice, but they assume it's Marcia. Maybe Marcia is trying to call them over the radio. They then try to contact John over the radio, and it responds, giving a report of its situation. It seems Kerns and Sherman are both unconscious. Lockhart talks to John, ordering it to administer some emergency medicines to the ailing humans. We get to see each excruciating detail as John 1) Retrieves the bottle of medication;Back in the car, they spot Ptera flying over and screeching at them. They're ready to fire their "space gun" at it. The space gun is a small gun turret mounted atop the car. They don't think it saw them, but it swipes them with a horned knob on the end of its tail that's easily the size of the car. It turns around and comes back, and they fire. They quickly submerge the car for repairs. I guess this car is easier to fix when it's underwater. Andre tells us that they killed the pterodactyl.  Fig. 10 - Ptera So now we're under the sea. The actors and the car are in a set, and an aquarium full of fish has been placed in front of the camera. Still, it's pretty convincing looking. I'm having flashbacks to Destination Inner Space. OH NO!!! Anyway, the crew pulls their car forward before bringing it to rest on the seafloor. Andre looks around, and notes how some cliffs off in the distance seem to be in rows, suggesting buildings in a city now submerged. We get to see these cliffs. I don't see what Andre is talking about at all. It was all kind of murky, but I didn't see anything in rows. Back at the surface, one girl is minding her own business when she sees Ptera washed up on the shore, dead. Ah, here's an attempt at communication between the two movies. She calls another girl over to look at the dead reptile. All the girls come to have a look, and Moana is quite saddened by the events. The girls lift the rubber carcass off the rocks and carry it away. Back underwater, Walters calls Lockhart over to look at a statue that he found. Andre insists it's a petrified tree, but it's really a statue with rubies embedded within. It's an idol, in fact, of a reptile, modeled after Ptera. Walters now believes that there once was a civilization on Venus, and Andre hopes that they're still alive. Meanwhile, Moana, the girls, and the carcass are at the sacred holy place on their beach, where a large rock statue of Ptera that looks like the underwater statue stands. This statue looks a bit more... fake than the other one. The girls pray to it as part of Ptera's funeral. Moana swears revenge, wearing a strange little hat. We see Andre hopping around underwater, exploring a bit. It looks like some sort of rigging system is allowing the actor to bounce as if he's really underwater. This scene is rather crudely interrupted with brief shots of two Venus girls swimming, and acting like they see him. However, he doesn't see them for good reason. He even encounters a "harmless octopus" He swims into a cave, telling us that there was nothing of interest in there, except for a rock he saved, which he "liked for its shape." The girls carry their dead god to the beach. It only appears seven or eight feet long now. Recall the car attack, when the knob on the end of its tail was the size of the space car. Mr. Corman and company didn't even TRY to get this right. ARRRRRGGHH!!!! A sort of funeral is held for their dead god, and they let it float away in the sea. Moana seems very sad. The two new girls we saw watching Andre pop up from the water with news. They claim to have seen "invaders" walking about under the sea, in their "Ancient Holy Place." Moana immediately labels the intruders as demons and accuses them of killing Ptera. They must die. Back in the first movie, the astronauts pull their car out of the sea, start up a campfire, and take a well-deserved rest. Yeah, let's sing some campfire songs and pretend we're on the set of Star Trek V! Row, Row, Row Your Boat... !! I saw that movie. It's pretty stupid. Anyway, the car seems to be working fine now, but it's all wet inside and they want it to dry out. The radio is broken, however, and they can't get it to work. We hear some light-hearted humour. Lockhart mentions the statue they saw down there. It means the planet can't be dead. Clearly, it isn't dead. YOU WERE ATTACKED BY AN ANEMONMENE!! They speculate on the nature of the alien life that could (!) be living on Venus, and idiotic dialogue follows. Anything to pad this movie's short running time out. Andre is keen to meet whomever keeps singing, as he thinks she's a beautiful alien girl. Right on cue, they hear the singing again. Everyone stares for a few moments. Andre sits and looks at the stone he found. He tells us he has an ominous feeling about everything. He gets called back to the car, and they drive off. We cut to another beach, and a pile of rocks on a rocky outcrop. The women approach it, and encircle it. With the camera in the middle of the circle and panning around, we wait 29 long seconds while the girls walk around and around the pile of rocks. Moana prays to the God of the Fire Mountain, which I suppose is represented by the pile. She prays for it to kill the humans and drown them in lava. The rest of the girls start asking for fire over and over, and suddenly the pile catches fire. We cut back to the Russian movie. We see a shot of an explosion of black smoke in the distance. In the cave, Kerns and Sherman have recovered, and John is standing by. The waterfall has mysteriously disappeared, as have much of the cliffs that were in their vicinity. They see a dark cloud of ash above them, and find the source: a glowing volcano, with rivers of lava running down the side. There is an odd glow behind the volcano, which Sherman supposes is the glow of a city. Kerns correlates this with a "red spot" that Andre saw earlier. WTF?!?! Andre never said anything about a red spot! Sherman is eager to collect samples, but Kerns is more interested in getting away from the volcano's lava floes. We see shots of lava, or something that looks like lava, burning the vegetation it encounters. Kerns seems to have relented to Sherman, and the two of them are quickly collecting samples of lava and air. The girls chant for fire. Kerns and Sherman have waited too long, and now their escape route has been flooded with lava. Kerns orders John to carry he and Sherman across the flow of lava. So, clinging to John's torso, the robot carries them across lava that bears an uncanny resemblance to wet mud. Everything seems okay as they slowly make their way. John hears signals from the rescue crew, and guides them in. We see the space car driving through the weird plants to get there. John then announces that his legs are too hot, and he must ditch the extra weight on him, namely Kerns and Sherman. This robot sure does whine a lot. Ohhh, it's too wet! Ohhh, it's too hot! Their only solution is to disconnect John's self-preservation unit. Sherman opens the back panel and tries to work on John, but John grabs Kerns and is ready to drop him into the lava. Sherman works steadily, and John, sensing his impending doom, calls out Kerns' name. This is supposed to be a deeply moving scene, I guess, like when HAL was being disconnected. The space car makes its way through burning vegetation. John's face blows up, and he dies. He lets go of Kerns, and Kerns scrambles back on to John's body. Unfortunately, they're now stuck on an immobile robot in the middle of a river of lava. The car arrives on the scene, dropping off two people by the edge of the lava so there's room for Kerns and Sherman. The two stranded astronauts are rescued from John, which is left behind in the lava.  Fig. 11 - Robot John in the lava We see a happy reunion scene. Kerns seems sad about his robot, however. It slowly tips over into the bubbling lava and gets carried away. We see Kerns is crying over it. Didn't it just try and kill you? Okay, now that the dramatic rescue is over, we cut to the seashore, where Kerns stands (rather lopsidedly) and looks out. "He was just a metal monster... and yet, when his destruction was imminent, he called my name."As he says this, his lips DO NOT move. Lockhart joins him, trying to cheer him up, but Kerns is stubbornly sad. This movie is really... static at times. Andre tells us that their situation is really tight. The volcano destroyed some of their provisions, and they're going to be low on fuel given the added weight of Kerns and Sherman for takeoff. What, didn't the rescue mission include extra fuel for the actual rescue? Back at the car, Walters shows everyone a photograph he brought of his newborn triplets. The babies in the photo are numbered 1, 2, and 3. Walters notes that numbering them is better than naming them because he'd forget the names. What? Is he serious? Some corny one-liners are made: Andre: "Looks like he's raising his own countdown!"Away from the other astronauts, Kerns and Lockhart discuss the possibilities of intelligent life surviving and residing on Venus. Kerns is surprised at their discovery of the underwater city, but doesn't really believe that life survived. Lockhart is very optimistic about the idea. He tries to use human history as an analogy, but Kerns is unconvinced about the lights beyond the volcano and the mini-Godzillas. Despite the odds, Lockhart is sure there are "intelligent people" on Venus. Andre thinks so too (and we get to hear it), and is curious about the supposed life on Venus. While he thinks over the idea, a creature with tentacles suddenly grabs him from behind and Andre freaks out, but it turns out it's Walters with a disguise made out of plant matter. Is the surface of an alien planet really the place to be goofing off like that? Andre is okay with it though, and laughs it off. We cut to the sea and the pile of rocks. The prehistoric women are lying out on the rocks again, and like before, Moana wakes them up. She sees something odd that has washed up. In another example of cross-film communication, we see the remains of John lying on the shore, looking rusted and encrusted with barnacles or something. Well, he certainly corroded quickly. The prehistoric women surround the robot and look at it with curiosity. Moana declares that this is one of the demons, which their fire god killed with ease. The five reunited astronauts drive back to the rescue rocket, joking about the female singing voices we hear in the distance. Are the sounds coming from the prehistoric women or not? Can somebody clarify this for me?! Moana apparently senses the astronauts; she sharply turns her head as if she can see them. We never know for sure, as I'm sure you've guessed, we never see the women and the astronauts together in the same shot. She is shocked that they have survived their fire god, so they will pray to Ptera for the death of the astronauts. I thought Ptera was dead... The men are excited about all the samples they'll be bringing back to Earth. The women pray to a crudely carved stone idol of Ptera built into the side of a cliff. Moana asks for the invaders to be killed. Lo and behold, it starts raining, gently at first, but quickly becoming a downpour. So, is this movie saying that in addition to the women, there are also God-like intelligences living on Venus that cater to the women? Back in the first movie, it's raining hard. The astronauts are back inside the rocket, and Andre says that though the heavy rain presented no problem to them, he was still a little nervous about everything. He still wants to find the girl he feels sings to him. The rocket suddenly shudders, and a quick shot of some kind of level instrument confirms that the rocket isn't standing straight anymore. We see a shot of water flowing in a small rivulet outside. The girls stand in the rain, looking to their god, smiling. The sun is still shining there. The astronauts climb down and look at the ground under the rocket. Some kind of canyon has opened near the rocket. Water has apparently carved the channel. That was bloody fast. Also, some small cracks have opened up under the rocket's legs. They decide to throw some stuff overboard to lighten the rocket, ensuring orbital attainment (I presume). While the others throw crates and boxes overboard, Andre works at some kind of automated weather station (or something), smashing the doors open with the rock he found, so he can switch on the instruments inside. After closing the doors, he realizes his rock has cracked open. Pulling the pieces away, he unearths a small humanoid face, carved into what looks like ivory.  Fig. 12 - The face I must admit, this scene was good. Don't ask me why, but I didn't feel it was cheesy. It was neat. Andre is overjoyed, as this is evidence of some kind of intelligent life on Venus. He cries out that they have to stay, etc, but the current situation overrides the astounding discovery. They pull Andre aboard and close the door. As the rocket takes off into the rain, the girls look over and watch it fly away. The rain peters out, and the rocket is gone. The women are, naturally, angry that Ptera couldn't kill them. They come to the conclusion that, since the invaders are stronger than Ptera, Ptera is a false god. The women, led by Moana, start throwing rocks at the idol until it falls to the ground. They look at it sadly for a moment, and then we see them dragging the robot inland and propping it up against the cliffs. One woman carries that small fabric hat we saw earlier in the film, and places it on Moana's head. I guess being the leader of the prehistoric women carries with it the responsibility of wearing a funny little hat. Actually, the hat resembles the protuberances on the top of the ivory face that Andre found, so it's another attempt at inter-movie communication. The women pray to the robot as the "strongest God of all", and we get to see the robot. It looks nothing like the robot from the Russian film. The Russian robot looked cool. This robot consists of two drums strapped together, standing on box legs. Again, Corman and Co. didn't even try. We cut to space, and we see the rocket flying as a streak among the stars. We hear Andre's voiceover one last time: "Well, that's the story. It's been two years now, and there's been no plan to return to Venus. Lockhart and Kerns have moved on to other missions; there's Mars to be explored, and Jupiter. But I can't forget her, and I'm going back. Maybe someday, I'll see her. Maybe I'll die trying."Like many of these older movies, there are no ending credits, just 'the end'.
THE END!!!
This movie was on TV at 12:30 AM, and I made a special effort to tape it. The fact that Peter Bogdanovich is the director is incredible, even though his goes under a pseudonym for this movie. It's a remarkable (like a train wreck) movie, and I was mesmerized through the whole thing. The sheer duality of the movie, the obvious joins between Corman's film and the Russian film, were fascinatingly bad. The whole premise of the movie is bizarre, and one major question still bothers me: if this movie is a story being told to us by Andre, WHY ARE THE GIRLS THERE?! How can he know about them? Also bad was the condition of the movie. It's very scratchy, and through the whole film the colour is washed out, giving the movie a strange and dreamy look. 
Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women is a silly movie with no real point and no real coherence. This can be explained by the fact that Corman/Bogdanovich only really made approximately 29% of the movie, not including dubbing and rewriting. However, from what I saw, Planeta Bur might be a decent movie. The Russian effects were pretty good, as were the creatures, and the Venus sets were imaginative and convincing. I really liked the scene where Andre (or whatever his Russian name is) found the alien artefact inside the rock. It had a 2001-ish feel about it for me, and like 2001, it had a malfunctioning robot that nearly kills its human companions. On the subject of the original movie, I have a theory about the unusual codename of Marcia for Mission Control. I checked the credits for Planeta Bur on IMDb, and found a character named Masha who was apparently edited out by Mr. Bogdanovich, so when the characters speak to or about Marcia, they're really talking to another astronaut named Masha. It's just a theory, though, so I could be wrong. Update (August 15, 2007): Apparently, if you watch the film Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet, which uses the same dubbed Planeta Bur footage, the astronauts radio an fellow astronaut named Marcia who spends the movie in Venus orbit. Corman and company were too lazy to alter the dubbing for this movie.If Planeta Bur is as good as I think it is, why did Corman and Bogdanovich feel compelled to add Mamie van Doren to the movie? Who knows? Maybe they felt the original movie was too boring, so they had to knock several thousand intelligence points off by adding scantily-clad women laying about on rocks and eating fish. I thought a dubbed version of Planeta Bur would have been good enough. No, it needs women! And what was with that unnecessary introduction? It felt and sounded like one of those corny educational films NASA made in the 60s about the space program's vibrant future. Why was it showing us hypothetical spacecraft? It had absolutely nothing to do with the film!! But I really like this movie and I'm glad I taped it. I get the feeling it's rare. It's just so cheesy and just plain weird. Very different from a lot of other sci-fi coming out at this time. And can you believe this: Corman got directors to come and mutilate Planeta Bur not once, but TWICE?! The other cut-and-paste film is called Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet, and is probably similar to this one, only without the women. Maybe someday, I'll see this movie too. Maybe I'll die trying. If you like irregular storytelling, shape-shifting robots, or seeing the Soviets beat us into space, then you'll probably enjoy Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women. July 22, 2004 Back to main site? |