What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

How can you tell if a groom is Polish?
He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.

Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York Marathon?
One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts!

How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

When you leave school, you should become a bone specialist.
You've certainly got the head for it.

How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!

Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.

A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the horse and says, hey buddy, why the long face?

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."

What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him

What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he proposed to her?
We're too young... we cantaloupe!

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

Did you hear about the Olympic Gold Medal winner from Canada?
He loved his medal so much he had it bronzed.

Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 ate 9 and 10...

What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish

Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.

What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A dog with spare parts.

What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
Take me to your weeder!

Why can't Irishmen ever be attorneys?
They can never make it past the bar!

Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.

What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.

Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.

What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It is two tired.

Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Where did they first make French Fries?
In grease.

What happened to the butcher when he backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out Tide.

What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one!

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderware!

There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence.
The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!

What do you call a midget fortune teller who just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!

What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
I wanna get a head!

Why did the ram go off the end of the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.

Hear about the two peanuts that walked through central park?
One was a-salted.

Why did the dolphin kill himself?
He had no porpoise in his life!

Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he's a squealer!

What do you call a cow who has had a abortion?
Decalfinated!

Where do you find a legless turtle?
Right where you left him!

What do you call a bee that produces milk?
Boobee

When do you have the right to scold your coffee?
When you have more than sufficient grounds.

What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

What do you call a fly without wings or legs?
A roll.

Why didn't Cuba have a team in the Olympics?
Because, any Cuban that can run, jump, or swim already lives in America.