Bill Clinton and Al gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that's a good idea. I'll come back when you're ready to order from the menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced quiche."
Titanic?? Presidents Nixon, Ford, Regan, Carter, and Clinton are all on a cruise. The boat starts to sink. Ford says "What are we gonna do!" Reagan says "man the lifeboats!" Carter says "Women and children first!" Nixon says "Screw the women and children!" Clinton says "Think we'll have time for that?"
The meaning of the word...
Clinton died and went to heaven or to be more accurate -- approached the Pearly Gates and knocked. St. Peter appeared.
"Who goes there?"inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton"
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Let me in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied,
"OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is
very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an
indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.'
And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't
hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
Throw it out!
Clinton was invited to a Major league baseball game.. and as an honor, they decided to let him throw the first pitch. When it came time to do so, an aid came down into the stands where the Clintons were sitting and says "OK sir its time for you to throw the first pitch out on the field."
So he grabs hillary and carrys her down to the edge of the rail and tosses her down on the field.. just then the aid screams out "NO, MR PRESIDENT THE FIRST PITCH, THROW OUT THE FIRST P-I-T-C-H!"
A little late for Christmas
Twas the night before impeachment,
and all through the house,
all the congress was stirrring,
even Conyers the louse
and the articles were hung by the capitol with care,
in hopes that Saint Slick soon would be there.
The senate was all snuggled up with the feds
while visions of impeachment danced in their heads.
When out of the Gulf there arose such a clatter
they clicked on CNN to see what was the matter
when what to their wondering eyes should appear
it was a Tomahawk cruise missile flying like reindeer
Slick Willie had stuck again
using all his presidential might;
"Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night!"
You better get out of his way
A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Prez. Bill isn't in the room.
"What's the matter?" he asked
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Bill just got hold of some Viagra"
Bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:
HONK! If you had sex with the President
Clinton: We forgive you...Now Resign!
Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency
Adultery is not a family value
Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student
Jail to the Chief
Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President
The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility
If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.
Save the President: Legalize Perjury
Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House.
"George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
Clinton didn't sleep well that night.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. C
linton didn't sleep well that night either.
The next night, he saw another figure moving in the shadows.
It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
Abe replied, "Go to the theater."
The New Girl
A girl walks past Clinton in corridor at the whitehouse, Bill says " You must be a new girl?"
She says " No Mr. President I`ve been here for ages" He replies " No you must be new!"
She says " Really Mr. President, I`ve been here for ages"
He replies " No you must be new, I`ve never come across your face before!"
A new Standard
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk.
Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now, have you had sex yet?"
Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."
Subject: What children can learn from Clinton
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
Dad- There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son- I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
Dad- Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
Son- Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine he car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
Son- Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad- Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
Son- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
Dad- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son- No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
Dad- But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
Son- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
Dad- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
Son- No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
Dad- Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?
Son- From The President of the United States.
A mouthful of one-liners!
Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed?
* * * * *
Q:Have you heard about the new Monica Lewinsky Barbie?
A:It comes with tiny beret and stained dress!
* * * * *
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary right after sex?
A: "Be home in about 20 minutes"
* * * * *
Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation. They added the 11th comandment.... "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff"
* * * * *
Bill Gates is in town (New York) showing all the computer executives how well Windows 98 works. But computer executives say that Windows 98 goes down so much they are thinking about renaming it MONICA 98
* * * * *
Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
A: To keep his ankles warm!
* * * * *
It seems the big new game to play at the White House is SWALLOW THE LEADER!
****
In Kennedy's time we had Camelot. In Clinton's we have CAME-A-LOT.
****
Arkansas is very proud of Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one of them is his sister!
****
Q. What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon,
and Bill Clinton?
A. Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth,
and Clinton doesn't know the difference!
* * * * * *
Bill and Hillary were in bed last night asleep. At 2 am Hillary
woke up and needed to go to the bathroom, so Hillary was shaking Bill to
wake him up to tell him she needed to go the bathroom. Bill said to her
"Hillary, why are you waking me up to tell me you needed to go the
bathroom?"
Hillary said back to him, "Because I wanted you to save my spot."
* * * * * *
President Clinton has decided to recruit interns from only four
colleges:
Morehead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
* * * * * *
Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says to her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow, your husband will soon suffer a violent death." Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies, "Will I be acquitted?"
* * * * * *
The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's
dress:
"Presidue"
The Patch
President Clinton had been walking around the White House and going to public and private meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies underwear on his left arm. Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and of course wondered what was going on.
Finally, at an afternoon press conference, Sam Donaldson got brave enough to ask the President why he had a pair of ladies panties on his arm.
The President looked genuinely surprised, and replied, "Oh That. It's the patch. I'm trying to quit."
A present from Monica...?
Did you hear about Bill Clinton's new computer?
It's equipped with a six inch hard drive, and no memory!
The Top 15 White House Valentine's Day Poems
16. After years of indiscretion, at last I've come to learn, that I must
send this Valentine, To Whom it May Concern.
How much exactly?
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office
to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" yells the President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want
to do about it?" the aide asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
It's a matter of semantics
According to the "Lewinsky Tapes" on which Monica supposedly describes
her sexual relationship with Bill Clinton, their encounters were
"infrequent". At that point Ken Starr asked if "infrequent" one word or two?
15. Valentine, I think you're great -- a Chief Executive who can
delegate. And you warm this First Lady's heart, by having interns do
the unpleasant part.
14. On most every day, I like McDonald's fries; On Valentine's
Day, I prefer Monica's thighs -- Super Sized!
13. Will you deny, Valentine?
12.Hey, Big Creep, on Valentine's Day -- we'll play Marilyn and JFK. Just
make sure that Hillary's gone, 'cause you get me interned on!
11.How do I love thee" Let me count the entries in the visitors' log.
10.Monica, Monica, quiet young mouse -- taking her Bill to the floor of
the House.
8.Hi there! Happy Valentine's day! Sorry to serve your subpoena this way.
7.Roses are red, then they turn gray, My heart goes pitter-pat
when you wear that beret.
6.Shall I compare thee to my high school drama teacher?
5.Twinkle, twinkle, Kenneth Starr, I talked to Vernon in the car. I promised
him my lips are sealed, but I'll change my mind, for a sweet book deal.
4.As soon as I'm finished bombing Iraq, I'd like to get you in the sack.
3.Will you, on the night in question of February 14th, be my Valentine?
2.Violets are blue, Roses are thorny. All hell breaks loose, when
Bubba gets horny.
1.I'll bomb England, I'll bomb France, if you'll remove my underpants.
Oh no you weren't!!
Bill suddenly realised he could wrap up early, what with UK France and China asking him to hold off bombing Iraq for a few days more, so he took a stroll through the corridors of power. He came across this young intern and suggested a drink. After a highball, she took him into the study for a mammoth BJ session, then let herself out. Bill went to his drawer and took out a chalk bag and rubbed his hands in it furiously.
With his hands behind his back to walked into his private quarters to find Hillary standing there glaring at him. "WHat the HELL have you been up to this hour"" she demands to know.
"Well, I bumped into a young intern and we had a drink, since then she's been on my dick in the study for the last three hours".
Hillary grabs his hands and studies them. "You lying son-of-a-bitch, you've been bowling!".
The Top 15 Signs You're Being Investigated by Kenneth Starr
15. Your new paper boy is 35, wears dark sunglasses, a black suit,
an ear piece and carries a semi-automatic.
14. Your new friend Linda starts every conversation with
"Testing... 1, 2, 3."
13. You're a highly paid White House intern and suddenly, out of
the blue, somebody gives you a typing test.
12. You could swear you see Yassir Arafat following you. (Oops!
That's a sign you're being investigated by *Ringo* Starr.)
11. Your dry cleaners just hired a dozen Secret Service agents
and added a hi-tech stain analysis lab.
10. Your best friend from 2nd grade is granted immunity after
rumors implicate you in the "paste-eating incident of 1968."
9. You haven't been subjected to this many embarrassing leaks
since you had that little bladder problem.
8. All of a sudden that video you returned two days late becomes
"Ace Ventura-Gate."
7. The DMV insists you pose for your driver's license picture
nude from the waist down.
6. Jay Leno's making lame jokes about you and you're not an Iraqi
dictator.
5. You don't mind your toddler asking for a "detailed account of
your unscrupulous business practices" in lieu his usual bedtime
story, but you feel downright silly talking into his rattler.
4. You're the only contributor who's getting topics like "Top 5
Signs I've Made Millions In Shady Land Deals."
3. Pupils in Lincoln's portrait dilate a bit when the French
Ambassador's daughter asks you to pass the KY.
2. For a change, Diane Sawyer is camped out in front of your
house, instead of vice versa.
1. Since when did Lucky Charms start including "Crunchy
Microphones""
The Bill Clinton version:
My Favorite Things...Come on, sing along!
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
When that Jones bites,
copyright 1998 Wayne Aaronson
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things...
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the Oval Office and Bill answered.
Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard" You got me pregnant!!!"
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"
The Top 12 Questions Ken Starr Has for the President
12. "Let's speed this up--who *haven't* you nailed?"
11. "Aha! So you admit you've had sex!!!! What's it like?
Is it fun?"
10. "And the situation in Bosnia didn't distract you from the
booty call?"
9. "Can I have some of those fries?"
8. "Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your
semen was pretty cool?"
7. "Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!"
6. "Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving
end of a probe for a change?"
5. "Would you, could you in a boat?
Have you, did you with a goat?"
4. "Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does
THIS one remind you of anything besides a beret?"
3. "Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you
know butt-ugly?"
2. "Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect state?"
1. "Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?"
A new Commandment???
Moses was complaining to God that the Ten Commandments didn't seem to
cover all the offenses that Clinton was committing. It seemed that
another commandment was needed to cover what he was doing. God agreed and said
that he would get back to Moses right away.
The next day, God said unto Moses,"Moses, henceforth, there shall be an
eleventh commandment: 'Thou shalt not show thy rod to thy staff.'"
Isn't there a Bridge Nearby?
Aside from getting caught, what has Clinton's biggest mistake been in
the Lewinsky affair?>
Not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive her home!
Jay Leno Says...
It looks like the only thing Clinton could do to save himself now
is hit 63 home runs.
A recent survey showed that teenagers are much more likly to know
Leonardo DiCaprio than Al Gore...
What is the difference between Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore?
Gore really knows what it is like to go down on a sinking ship.
Was she cute?
Clinton and Gore are sitting around in the oval office,
shooting the breeze. After a while, as expected, the Lewinsky
situation came up.
Gore says, You know Bill, I just think we have different mindsets about things. For example, I don't believe in premarital sex. I never slept with Tipper before we got married. How about you?"
Clinton paused and thought, then said, "I don't know Al, what was her maiden name again?
Similarities between Nixon and Clinton
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: WaterbedNixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold SoreNixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burnsNixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geekNixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing herNixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief caseNixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: sameNixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-PresidentNixon: Deepthroat led to his downfall
Clinton: SameNixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peakNixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G SpotNixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on HoNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
Thank you for your contribution .
If I laugh at your joke (or at you) and include it, you'll get nothing in return.
Except for
the satisfaction of making a contribution to society.
And if there's ever anything else I can do to help you vent, kindly take it outside.
I'm not your
therapist!
