New State Mottos
Why ask Why?
THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE MENTAL HEALTH HOT LINE...
If you're obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you're co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you're a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you're paranoid and delusional, we already know what you want and who
you are. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you're schizophrenic, please hold, and a little voice will tell you
what to press.
If you're depressed, it probably doesn't matter what you press, it won't
do you any good anyway.
It's a dog's Life...
Daily Routine
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.
II. Everything Else
1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety
A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
5. Recreation and Leisure
A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
6. Health
A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
I can't believe they said that...??
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
- - Bill Peterson, former Florida State football coach
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- - Bill Peterson, former Florida State football coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to
make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in
school."
- - Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of
academic requirements
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in.
I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."
- - George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three
years, not Princeton."
- - Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don
King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- - Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit
to Greece
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
- - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
Here is a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice
chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am
sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on
the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team
up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
Good looks and brains too?
(While this is not
officially a "list", it's not a joke either, so goes!)
A few months ago, Howard
Stern hosted Julie Cialini ('96 Playmate of
the Year) and Stacey Sanchez
('97 Playmate of the Year) for a morning
of sordid joviality. The
ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars,
answered ten questions
from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how
important it is for them
*AS ROLE MODELS* for young women to stay up
on current affairs.
Q: Who is the President of Russia?
Julie: "Gorbachev"
Stacey: "Gretzky"
(correct answer: Boris
Yeltsin)
Q: Define the meaning of NAACP.
Julie: "Something, something, something, for Certified Pianists"
Stacey: "It's some kind of police organization."
(correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored
People)
Q: Who was the inventor of the lightbulb?
Julie: "I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the
lightbulb guy."
Stacey: "I don't know."
(correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the
phone guy!)
Q: Who is the Speaker of the House?
Julie: "Gore something-or-other."
Stacey: "Bill Clinton."
(correct answer: Newt Gingrich.For the benefit of international members
of the market, Al "Gore" is the U.S. Vice President, "Bill Clinton" is
our president. )
Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.
Julie: "I don't know."
Stacey: "Certified Investigation Association."
(correct answer: Central
Intelligence Agency)
Q: What is the center of our solar system?
Julie: "The Equator"
Stacey: "The Moon"
(correct answer: The Sun)
Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched
to what he termed "industry
related" questions:
Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for?
A: both knew it was fashion
designer "Donna Karan."
Q: What is "Cristal?"
A: both knew it was an
elite champagne
Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?"
A: both knew it was Porsche
Q: Who's face is on the (U.S.) $100 bill?
A: both knew it was Ben Franklin
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