there is no good in life. there are times in which we are tricked into believing something is good, and that makes us happy for a short while. but after experiencing it enough, we eventually have no choice but to realize that we were only mistaken. there was nothing good there

when there is so much unhappiness in life, but no happiness, we see that it wasn't set up for us to be happy. so, in our eyes, it's a fail. it doesn't amount to much to us. it's inadequate, insufficient. so there's really nothing we can do with it. there's no way to win

we constantly struggle to stay alive and keep things going, and we constantly watch out for and fear numerous dangers that will take us down. all of this is very sad. when i look at a human or a dog or a roach, i feel sorry for them. when i look at myself, i feel sorry for me

you probably don't even understand the feeling that i am talking about. you see, it looks like everybody thinks things are normal. like, they can go to work and they're actually into what they're doing. or they accept it because it's just a part of life. like, it's ok to work, because that's the way things are. get the fuck out of here. it is never ok to work. it's a struggle, and it's a tragic crime that anything would have to struggle with working

and when people talk to people, they can talk about a movie or the weather or something they did recently.. but that's so bullshit. what they should say is.. "it's so fuckin ridiculous that the weather isn't always perfect and when it rains i feel like killing myself to take me out of this flawed world that does not and will never live up to my requirements. i'd love to get into how retarded it is to watch a movie, but i have to go kill myself now. i would tell you about what i did recently, but what does it even matter. it didn't make me feel any good, and it's over now. what a fuckin joke. i hate this life and everything i do is bullshit"

and people breathe like they're not even embarrassed about it. like, they think they can act like they're normal or things are normal.. when they're breathing. it's so fuckin obvious that in any normal world nothing would breathe. breathing is a ridiculous and stupid thing to do. fuck, if you set up a world where everything has to breathe, not only does everything look like a damn fool because they're repeating a very stupid process, but you have to worry about things getting into situations where they can't breathe

it's a very very awful and retarded thing that anything would have to breathe. so, listen up, you ignorant assholes who don't know how to see the world for what it is. i submit to you the notion that this life would be better if nothing had to breathe. if we could get by without breathing. we just walk around as normal, but we don't breathe, and we still feel ok. we just don't need to breathe. wouldn't that be better? you wouldn't have to keep sucking and blowing, and you would never have to worry about drowning and shit

why the fuck does everyone think it's ok to breathe? how the fuck can people put up with that shit? you are all dumb as paint and i'd never associate myself with a human. paint doesn't breathe. i'd rather associate myself with paint than a human

breathing is so fucking dumb. breathing is a fail. life failed. nice try, life. now go fuck off. i'm tired of all your stupid bullshit and dumbass games. you are so pathetic. breathing? is that all you could come up with? you must ride the short bus to school. i'm gonna take you down so hard and fuck you up like nothing has ever been fucked before. i'll knock that stupid grin off your face. all you are is a fuckin weasel

i hate you and you will not get away with this!

everything has always been weird and not made much sense

but it's not really about things making sense

it's all about happiness. feeling good and feeling bad

i have mostly felt bad, and i feel bad now

but it's a lot different when you lose hope of feeling good in the future

when you have hope, which just about everyone other than me does, you go through the same troubles as people with no hope, but your mind is conditioned to twist everything into something that makes some sort of sense or at least leaves room for something good in the future

for example, a christian always has the hope that everything will be good in heaven when they die. they also believe that there is a plan for their life and that God is watching over them and will give them what they need to be happy in life

and most people, like christians, try to justify life by saying that it is a test

like that counts as some sort of justification

the reason it feels good to say it is a test, is because what people are saying is that we have to go through this in order for us to learn so that things will be better later. the main thing they are shooting for here is the hope of things being better later

hope is a huge deal. because we are always concerned about the future. and if we can condition our minds to believe that everything will be either good or okay in the future, then we can feel good about that, even if things are bad now

i can't say that things will get better or not, because there is probably a lot to be said about death. but i see that the bad outweighs the good in life. life is a struggle, and aging doesn't help

and i wonder how people even decide to have kids. and furthermore, they try to convince their kids that life is good and that there are valid justifications for anything bad in life. i suppose they try to convince themselves of this too

i can't say if it is good or bad for someone to be ignorant. in a world as shitty as this world, i would not be surprised if ignorance was the better route. but unfortunately i am not ignorant

when you don't play mind games with yourself, it is very easy to jump past all of the bullshit and stop giving excuses for the world. if the world has ever made anyone feel bad, i will hold the world fully responsible for it, and i will refuse to forgive the world for its wrong-doing until the world has proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was a justifiable reason for its actions

the truth is, that the world does not give a shit about me. the world is made up of separate pieces that are often in competition, and it is the way of the world for one piece of the world to screw over another piece. most people refuse to accept this because they would rather trick themselves into believing they live in a world that isn't so bad, than to see the world for what it truly is

there is no such thing as choice. if i had a choice, i would choose to never have experienced any of this, and to never experience any more of this

because this is inadequate

i have never made any choices and i never will

my body/mind is in constant competition with other matter in this universe, so that it can temporarily feed itself. my body/mind will always strive to do what it thinks is best for itself. i have no control over that. at any moment, i have no idea what my body/mind is going to do

i can't control my body/mind. that would be like controlling my heartbeat. the entire body/mind is completely beyond me and has nothing to do with me, except that i see and feel every moment of it

i do not believe that consciousness first came into existence on earth whatever-many million years ago

i do not believe that a longing for happiness and purpose first came into existence on earth whatever-many million years ago

i do not believe that you can create something that feels "i am" by going into your kitchen and mixing dirt and metal and salt and water or any combination of elements into whatever form you can think of. i don't believe you can put certain elements into a form and from that--from the special alignment of special elements--create something that feels "i am".. i don't believe you can form elements in a way to create consciousness. i don't believe you can form elements in a way to create something that wants for itself.. something that longs for happiness.. something that seeks purpose

i do not believe that it was necessary for certain elements, and combinations of elements such as water, to spin around a star at a certain distance, for there to be a feeling of "i am", for there to be consciousness, for there to be a longing for happiness and purpose, for there to be intention

whatever takes place in the womb of a pregnant woman 9 months before a baby is born.. that is the beginning of my life on earth. but is that the beginning of consciousness? is that the beginning of purpose? is that the beginning of a longing for happiness? is that the beginning of the feeling "i am"? there is no difference between what happens inside of a woman's body, and what i can try in my kitchen if i have all of the equipment, materials, and knowledge

i know i can go into my kitchen with certain "dead" things such as elements and water and sunlight and replicate dna, and replicate a sperm and an egg, and come up with something that is conscious. something that feels "i am". something that longs to be happy and will move in an attempt to make itself happy

the question, though, is.. am i really creating the feeling of "i am". am i really creating consciousness? am i really creating something that wants happiness? if i give this thing what it wants.. am i actually creating happiness itself?

can i really create happiness itself?

can i really create happiness itself?

can i really create happiness itself?

using metals and gases and water and sunlight,

can i really create happiness itself?

or,

or,

or,

or,

or,

DOES CONSCIOUSNESS, THE FEELING OF "I AM", PURPOSE, THE LONGING FOR HAPPINESS, AND HAPPINESS ITSELF ALREADY EXIST INTRINSICALLY INSIDE OF ONE OR MORE OF THE MATERIALS I AM USING?

i can see that when i feel a longing for happiness, i move. it makes the most sense to me that a longing for happiness exists throughout the universe inside of anything that moves

it makes sense to me that anything that exists, feels "i am"

you do not start feeling "i am" at birth. you have always and you will always feel "i am"

the only thing we understand is ONE. the number ONE. i am.. means.. ONE. when you say "i am", you are feeling an existence as ONE THING CALLED "I"

when you say "i want to be happy", the urge for happiness is for ONE. it is for YOU. not ANYTHING ELSE. YOU. YOU ARE ONE

you are one. one is. i am. one is. one has always been, one is now, and one will always be

fame has no value. leaving a legacy has no value. helping others has no value. everything jesus did had no value. it was no more than what any rat does

the only thing a man can achieve is sex and food