When the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know  what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of  us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring  me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and  moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I  will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair   person gets here and has to put it back together.

I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.  Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't  need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something  for my Mom, too!

I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no,  I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why  would you listen to a complete stranger-- I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?

I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been  misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it   (though one time I was able to survive by holding a  calculator).

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I  will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your  suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in

Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One   more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every  single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection?

I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the  laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest

I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't

I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic  groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot  be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or  "Tofu".  For all I know these are the same thing. And  never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything "feminine"

I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating

I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm  thinking about. The answer is always either sex or  football, though I have to make up something else when   you ask, so don't.