The One With the Holiday Armadillo

Written By: Greg Malins
Directed By: Gary Halvorson
Transcribed By: Caio

[Scene: Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe's apartment; Rachel, Monica are on the kitchen table and Chandler is on the phone]

Chandler: Bye-bye. (hangs up the phone) I just got us reservations at Michel's and tickets to The Music Men to celebrate our first holiday season as a be-trothed couple.

Monica: Betrothed.

Chandler: Betrothed couple.

(Phoebe comes in)

Phoebe: Hey

Everybody: Hey.

Phoebe: Ah... (puts down a skull on the table) Ah...

Chandler: Pheebs? Skull?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. It's my mom's.

Rachel: Oh... Oh my god (really freaked out).

Phoebe: No, no, no. It's not.. it's not my mom. It belonged to my mom. Yeah, no, she used to put it out every Christmas, to remind us that even though it's Christmas, people still die. And you can put candy in it. (takes out licorice).

(Ross comes in)

Ross: Hey

Everybody: Hey.

Monica: Licorice? (showing him the skull)

Ross: (stops) Sure. Hey, I just found out I get Ben for the Holidays this year.

Rachel: Oh, that's great.

Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?

Ross: No. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I want to take this year to teach him all about Hanukah.

Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.

Rachel: Maybe you need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.

Ross: Hmm.

(Joey comes out of the bathroom with a newspaper on his hand)

Joey: Hey

(Joey leaves)

Rachel: Did you know he was in there?

Monica: No.

Chandler: How long have we been home?

Monica: About a half an hour.

Chandler: Lovely!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk; Chandler and Monica are there]

Chandler: Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you uh... gonna change your last name to Bing?

Monica: No

Chandler: Why not?

Monica: Bing is weird

(Phoebe comes in)

Phoebe: Hey. You guys. (to the guy at the coffee stand) Can I have one to go? Guess what? My landlord just called, and my apartment's gonna be ready soon. So I guess I'll be moving out.

Monica: Oh, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you.

Phoebe: Yes, you will be very sad. All right, I gotta go tell Rachel the good news.

Chandler: Oh, are you guys gonna be living together again?

Phoebe: Yeah, why not?

Chandler: Well, she's just having so much fun with Joey. I just assumed she would still be living with him.

Phoebe: Why do you think she's having so much fun with Joey?

Chandler: No reason, except she... told me.

Phoebe: Really? So she said she didn't wanna live with me anymore?

Chandler: No, no, she didn't say that. I... I think you should to talk to Monica now.

Monica: Phoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure she wants to live with you.

Phoebe: You sure? You're absolutely sure?

Monica: No, but she probably does.

Phoebe: Probably? Yeah, I don't like that word. Look, I know what "Probably" really means. Yeah, uh-huh, yeah. Oh "Your mom probably won't kill herself". I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on... on "Probably". You know? You gotta take care of yourself in this world. History teaches us nothing.

(Phoebe leaves)

Chandler: Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it?

[Scene Joey and Rachel's apartment; Joey is on this drum set]

(Rachel comes in)

Joey: Hey, great. You're home. Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas? (he plays the drum in this excited way)

Rachel: Drums?

Joey: (yelling) No, Drums!

[Scene Changes to Michel's Restaurant; Chandler and Monica come in]

(They go up to the waiter up front)

Chandler: Hi. Can we have two burritos to go please? (Laughs at his own joke)

Monica: I'm sorry... but not that sorry, cause you don't have to live with him. We have a reservation under the name "Chandler Bing".

Waiter: Okay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes.

Chandler: 45 minutes? W have tickets to "The Music Man" at Eight.

Waiter: I'm sorry, Christmas is a very busy time, sir.

Chandler: Is this because of the burrito thing?

(they go to the back)

Monica: Okay, you need give him money.

Chandler: Give him money? It was a joke.

Monica: No, to get a table. Places like this are always shaking you down. Everybody wants a payoff.

Chandler: All right, calm down, O' Malley. I'll slip him some money.

Monica: All right. You've got to be smooth about it.

Chandler: Hey, I can be smooth.

(He goes up to waiter up front)

Chandler: Listen, we're in a little bit of a hurry, so if you could get us a table a little quicker, we'd appreciate it.

(shakes his hand as to slip his some money)

Waiter: Of course, sir.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: How did it go?

Chandler: I had the money in the wrong hand.

[Scene changes to Ross' apartment; Ross and Ben are there]

(Ross is carrying Ben that is now about 7 years old and going in circles)

Ross: Hey, you don't feel like you're gonna throw up do you?

Ben: No.

Ross: Well, I do so let's... So Ben, you uh... you know what holiday is coming up don't you?

Ben: Christmas.

Ross: Yeah, and you know what other holiday is coming up?

Ben: Christmas eve.

Ross: Yes, but also... Hanukah. See, you're part Jewish and Hanukah is a Jewish holiday.

Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly.

Ross: Right, but on Hanukah... Hanukah's the celebration of the miracle. See, years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.

Ben: "Jingle bells, jingle bells..."

Ross: That's right, yes, but on Hanukah, we sing: "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel, I made you out of clay..."

Ben: "Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer..."

Ross: Okay, it's not a contest.

Ben: When is Santa coming?

Ross: Well, how about this year, instead of Santa, we have fun celebrating Hanukah?

Ben: No Santa? Was I bad?

Ross: No, oh, no, no, no. Hey. You weren't bad. You were very good, Ben.

Ben: Santa's mad at me.

Ross: No, hey, hey. Come on, Ben, Santa's not mad at you, okay? You're his favorite little guy.

Ben: So Santa's coming?

Ross: (giving up to please Ben) Yes, Santa's coming.

[Scene Changes to the Restaurant; Chandler and Monica are there trying to get a table]

Monica: It's easy. Keep it casual. Give him a kind word, shake his hand, and give him the money.

Chandler: How do you know so much about it?

Monica: I don't know.

Chandler: Richard used to do it, didn't he?

Monica: We'd be eating our soup right now.

Chandler: Mustache bastard.

Monica: Okay, those people just left. Come on, quick, give him the money. We'll get their table.

(Chandler goes up to the waiter up front)

Chandler: Excuse me. (he realizes he doesn't have the money in his hand, and starts searching in his pockets, while a couple comes up in line behind me)

(the couple goes in front of Chandler while he's still looking for the money)

The guy behind him: (to the waiter) We're in a bit of a hurry. (hands the waiter some money)

Waiter: Certainly, this way sir.

Chandler: (finds the money) Ah-ha-ha-ha. (he sees that he has lost the table)

[Scene changes to the hallway outside Rachel and Joey's apartment; Phoebe's just getting to Joey's apartment, and is happy to hear that someone's playing the drums in an annoying way]

(Phoebe comes in Joey and Rachel's apartment and sees that it's Rachel that's playing the drums)

Rachel: (after finishing playing) Ha.

Phoebe: So you like the drums. (really trying to hide how she feels now) That... that's great! Well, you know, I was worried, you know, they would create maybe an unbearable living situation. Okay, well, apparently not. So, Yay!

Joey: Oh, hey, hey Pheebs. Check it out. We already learned a song. (to Rachel) Ready? One...

(Rachel plays the drums in this annoying way and then stops...)

Joey and Rachel: Tequila!!!

Phoebe: That's fun. (she leaves really mad Rachel's enjoying herself)

[Scene: Central Perk; Chandler, Monica and Joey are there]

(Gunther is serving the coffee)

Gunther: Here you go.

Chandler: Thank you, Gunther. Put her there. (he shakes his hands as to give him money and a bunch of coins fall out of his hands). Definitely not easier with coins.

(Joey picks up the coins)

Chandler: Thank you.

Joey: Thank you.

(Joey leaves and meets Phoebe as she's coming in)

Joey: Oh, hey Pheebs. Here, now I only owe you $49.50.

Phoebe: Thanks.

(Joey leaves)

Chandler: Hey, Pheebs. If you want to give Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little more subtle like a wrecking ball, or a vial of Small Pox to release in the hallway?

Monica: And it's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes, Joey throws his sticks in the air, and I have to hear: "Oh, my eye, oh god, my eye!". I mean, it's so annoying.

Phoebe: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people react to drums.

Monica: Wait a minute... Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel, so she wouldn't wanna live there anymore?

Phoebe: Maybe on some level.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment; Joey is putting some protective glasses to get ready to play the drums and Rachel is watching]

Rachel: Joey, you know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the air.

Joey: What is Rock N' Roll about that?

(Phoebe comes in with a cage covered in her hand)

Phoebe: Hey, Joey. I got you another present.

Joey: Okay, before you tell me what it is...

(he plays a drum roll)

Joey: Okay, what is it?

Phoebe: It's a... (as she uncovers the cage...) tarantula!!!

(Joey gets up quickly in this scared manner)

Phoebe: (trying to make Rachel not want to live with Joey anymore) Oh god, Rachel, I'm sorry, what was I thinking getting Joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage.

Rachel: What are you talking about? I love them. I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it died because my cat ate it and then... then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool?

Joey: Is it on me? I feel like it's on me. I got, I got... (he goes in to his room afraid of the tarantula)

Rachel: Isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula. Oh, god.

Phoebe: He's so adorable. God, he's so much fun. Joey's the best. I'm glad you're having so much fun here. ( she starts to leave)

Rachel: Whoa, wait, wait a minute... Phoebe, what's the matter?

Phoebe: Our apartment is ready.

Rachel: And that makes you angry because...

Phoebe: Because you would rather live here with Joey.

Rachel: Where did you get that?

Phoebe: Monica and Chandler said that you were having so much fun here... and apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that.

Rachel: Phoebe, did you give all this stuff to Joey, to try and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish. You know fish freak me out.

Phoebe: Oh... fish!

Rachel: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe. You and I are gonna live together. We're roomates, that's the deal.

Phoebe: Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me. But, okay, if you're having so much fun over here...

Rachel: Oh, it's so much more fun with you.

Phoebe: We did have fun, didn't we?

Rachel: We did.

Phoebe: Well, anyway... they said, that if we want, we can see it tonight.

Rachel: Oh, I would love to.

Phoebe: Yay, okay. Great. Yay!

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: All right, good.

(Rachel goes up to the drums to play)

Phoebe: And Monica asked me to make the drumming stop.

Rachel: Uh... (she takes the sticks and puts it in the cage with the tarantula) Done.

[Scene changes to a costume store]

(Ross comes in)

Ross: Hey.

Employee: Hello, sir. Are you here to return those pants?

Ross: No, these are my pants.

Employee: Oh. Okay. How can I help you?

Ross: Well, do you have a Santa outfit left?

Employee: Two days before Christmas? Sorry man.

Ross: Okay, look, do you have anything, uh, Christmasy? I promised my son, and I really don't want to disappoint him. Umm. Come on, you gotta have something.

[Scene changes to Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's apartment; Monica and Ben are watching Ross dressed up in an Armadillo suit and talking in a made up voice]

Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you a Merry Christmas!

Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?

Ross: Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.

Monica: Oh, come in have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from... Texas.

Ben: Texas?

Ross: That's right Ben, I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states and... Mexico!!! But Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben! (sees that his arms don't reach the presents) Maybe the lady will help me with these presents.

(Monica picks up the presents that are on a bag and puts them in the floor near Ben)

Ben: Wow, thanks!

Ross: You're welcome, Ben! Merry Christmas... ooh, and Happy Hanukah!

Ben: Are you for Hanukah too? Cause I'm part Jewish.

Ross: You are? Me too.

Monica: Because armadillos also wandered in the desert?

Ross: You want to wander in the hall? Oh, hey, Ben, what if the holiday armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?

Ben: Cool!

Monica: Come on, Ben. They seat in the couch.

Ross: Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees...

(Chandler comes in dressed up as Santa Claus and talking in a Santa voice)

Chandler: Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas!

Ben: Santa. (he goes up to Chandler and gives him a hug)

Chandler: Ben!

Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?

Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy, Ben. What are you doing here... weird... turtle man?

Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo. Your part Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents, remember?

Chandler: (in his normal voice) what?

Ben: Did you bring me presents too, Santa?

Chandler: You bet I did, Ben. Put her there! (shakes his hand as to give him money but the money falls in the floor). Well, it would've worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small. (turns to Ben) Ho-ho-ho!

Monica: Okay, Ben, why don't you come open some more presents? And Santa, the Armadillo man and I will have a talk in the kitchen. There's a sentence, I never thought I'd say.

(they go to the kitchen)

Ross: What are you doing?

Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa Claus suit, so I borrowed from a guy at work.

Ross: Thank you but, but you gotta leave.

Chandler: Why?

Ross: Because... I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukah. And you're...You're wrecking it.

Chandler: But I didn't even get to shake my belly like a bowl full of Jelly.

Ross: I'm sorry, Chandler, but this, this is really important for me.

Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.

(Ross goes to talk to Ben)

Monica: Hey, do you think you can keep it another night?

Chandler: Santa? Really?

Monica: Yeah, is that okay?

Chandler: Did your dad ever dress up as Santa?

Monica: No.

Chandler: Then that's okay! (in a Santa voice) (they kiss)

Ross: Okay, Ben, Santa has to go. Say good bye

Ben: No, why does he have to go?

Chandler: Because if Santa and the... Holiday ... Armadillo are ever in the same room for too long, the universe will implode! Merry Christmas!

Ben: No, why can't the armadillo leave? I want Santa.

Ross: Fine I give up. Santa, Santa can stay.

Chandler: Well, I'll stay. But only cause I wanna hear about Hanukah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukah?

Ben: Okay, Santa.

(they sit in the couch)

Ross: (whispering to Chandler) Thank you. (Now a little louder) All right. It's time for the story of Hanukah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.

(Joey bursts in wearing a Superman outift; May I say it's a very funny scene)

Joey: Merry Christmas!

[Scene changes to Rachel and Phoebe's old apartment; Rachel and Phoebe just arrived]

Rachel: Oh, wow. Look at this place.

Phoebe: Oh, this is so terrible. Oh, they've made so many changes, I can't even feel my grandmother's presence anymore... Ooh, new sconces.

(Rachel goes in a room and then comes out)

Rachel: Oh, my god!

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: Okay, remember, uh, remember how you told me your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: And remember you said she was afraid the landlord would find out and tear it down?

Phoebe: Yeah

Rachel: Do you really not know where I'm going with this? It left, it's one huge room.

Phoebe: Oh, no.

(Phoebe goes in the bedroom and comes out)

Phoebe: Wow!

Rachel: See?

Phoebe: Well, I guess we'll just have to put the wall back up. Rachel: You can't, because of the new skylight.

Phoebe: There's a skylight?

(she goes in the bedroom and comes out)

Phoebe: Wow!

Rachel: Oh, so what should we do? Should we start looking for a new place?

Phoebe: You know, I'm sensing that my grandmother would not be comfortable with that.

Rachel: Oh, yeah? Starting to feel your grandmother again there, are we?

Phoebe: little bit.

Rachel: Pheebs, is your grandmother also maybe saying that you should live here alone?

Phoebe: You heard it too? You have the gift!

Rachel: Phoebe, it's okay. I like living with Joey.

Phoebe: Really?

Rachel: Oh, please, I hate packing. It's closer to work and we do have fun. Although, I'm really gonna miss living with you.

Phoebe: Oh, me, too.

(they hug)

Rachel: Oh, wait, did you hear that? Listen...

Phoebe: Huh?

Rachel: I'm getting something from your grandmother. She said that since you get to keep the one bedroom apartment, you should give Rachel the purple chair?

Phoebe: No, I do not hear that.

[Scene Changes to Chandler and Monica's apartment; Ross, or better yet, the Holiday Armadillo is still teaching about Hanukah]

Ross: And the miracle was that that little bit of oil that should've lasted just one day, burned for... Ben: Eight whole days.

Ross: That's right. And that's why we celebrate Hanukah today. The end.

Ben: Awesome.

Chandler: My favorite part was when Supermen flew all the Jews out of Egypt. (looks at Joey)

Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part. Okay Ben, it's time to light the Hanukah candles.

Chandler: Oh, ho-ho.

(they go up to the window to light the candles).

(Phoebe and Rachel come in)

Rachel: Hey. Oh, wow. Looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here.

Ross: Come on, Come on. We're lighting the candles.

Phoebe: Oh

Rachel: Oh.

Phoebe: Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a Porcupine at the Easter Bunny's funeral?

Ending Credits

[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment, Joey is in his bedroom afraid of the tarantula]

Joey: Did you get it?

Rachel: I Got it.

Joey: Is it back in the cage?

Rachel: It's back in the cage.

Joey: Is the cage closed?

Rachel: Joey, will you just come out here and stop being such a baby.

(Joey comes out in his Superman outfit and leaves)

The End

Look for the next script: T.O.W. Cheesecakes very soon!