Attention: Collection Agency Owners, Call Centers and Boilerooms just like yours!
Let National Monkey Placement Do the Hiring For Ya!
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A Very Special Message From Our Chairman: Hello. I am Frank Oswaldo Pollizzi Junior. You can call me Frank-O. Now I am proud to offer yunz the latest in primate assistance through our affiliate National Monkey Placement LLC. Don't let a high-priced salesman make a monkey out of yunz! Get a real monkey instead through one of our Monkey Placement Programs! Your pal Frank-O Pollizzi Junior |
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NATIONAL MONKEY PLACEMENT LLC The e-monkey company A Division of Pollizzi Cheese Co Pittsburgh, PA |
ALL SYSTEMS GO
Salesman Bubbles pays close attention to detail in
his specially designed high-voltage workstation, or Hot Seat.
NATIONAL MONKEY PLACEMENT LLC
FAQ
How is a National Monkey Placement LLC recruit better than my existing salesmen?
The average overpaid, prima dona salesman will make about 50 to 75 calls per day. National Monkey Placement LLC monkey salesmen will make 200 calls per day and 500+ calls per day if they are on a "Hot Seat!"
Wow! More calls means more dough for me! What about costs? My overpriced, prima dona salesmen get about a 3k salary, FROM MY DOUGH!.... plus commissions! How will a National Monkey Placement monkey be any cheaper?
Good question! Our Standard Package will allow you to lease 20 monkeys per month for only $5000! At 200 calls a day per animal we're talking 4000 calls per day and we all know sales is just a numbers game! Any idiot can be a salesman if they just pick up the phone enough! Our monkeys are not afraid to SMILE AND DIAL!
OR..... just call one of National Monkey Placement's Customer Order Centers and say, "I WANNA GO APE!" and National Monkey Placement LLC will install 20 high-voltage "Hot Seats" in your offices pronto! These heavy-duty contraptions, developed by NASA scientists, will deliver the necessary motivation to keep your monkeys on the phone! In fact, our unconditional guarantee to YOU is loud and clear, "500 CALLS PER DAY IF ON A HOT SEAT." With 20 animals banging the phone that's a whopping 10,000 calls per day! YES 10,000 CALLS PER DAY!!! (For even more calls National Monkey Placement recommends keeping the monkeys on the phone over the weekend and on holidays). ALL THIS FOR ONLY $7500.00 PER MONTH!!
AND THAT'S NOT ALL...............
NATIONAL MOKEY PLACEMENT LLC EXPERT TECH SUPPORT
Our GO APE package includes a six-month supply of Pollizzi Monkey Chow, made from 100% natural banana peels, peanut shells and chewing tobacco (courtesy of the Pittsburgh Pirates baseball club). Also included if you GO APE NOW! is 6 months free "Tech Support" by our Certified Monkey Handler Clive (Formerly Assistant Director of Security at the prestigious Perth Home for the Criminally Insane, down under!)
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Listen mate, if a ruddy primate gets unruly and throws a fit just give ole Clive a call down here at the station. I’ll show the ruddy animal a thing or two with my trusty stick and boot, I will! THIS AINT GONNA BE NO RUDDY PLANET OF THE APES….MATE! |
CALL 1-877-IWANNAGOAPE OR LOG ON TO www.iwannagoapenowdangit.com for express ordering. Free two-day delivery by Manny's Delivery if you GO APE NOW!!!
