LotR Mobil conversation

They say that behind every great man is a woman, that behind every locked door, a treasure, behind every mobile phone sold is lots of angst and miscommunication. Recent archaeological discoveries prove that the last holds true everywhere- even in Middle Earth! Due to the infatigable efforts of transcibers Camille Jolley and Rhonda Hamilton; The Middle Earth Cell-Phone Association is proud to present to the world: the Lord of the Rings Mobil conversations! (Transcripts follow :)

‘Rosie, hi, um, I’m going to have to cancel dinner on Sunday, No something’s come up and I’m not going to make it back to Hobbiton for a while.’
‘Of course you’ll see me again.’
‘No, I’m not sure when I’ll be back.’
‘Of course I love you, and I'm not just saying that.’
(The 4 hobbits pass through the hedge into the Old Forest, and Sam’s phone loses service)
‘Blast! Stupid phone’s lost reception! Now what’ll Rosie think of me?’

‘Radaghast! How are you?’
“Yeah? How’s he doing?”
“No, I haven’t gotten his messages; the archives of Gondor just don’t get reception.”
“Urgent you say? Yeah, I’ll call him right away.”
“Thanks Rad. I’ll talk to you later.”
Gandalf puffs on his pipe for a moment, than makes a call.
“Well, sorry Saurman, I’ve been outside my coverage zone, and I forgot to arrange for roaming. Radaghast just told me that you’ve been trying to get a hold of me.”
“Um, let me se, I’ve got a few matters that I need to tie up here first, but I’ll do my best to tie them up quickly.”
“Ok, see you soon. Bye”
*****************

“Aragorn, look, I’ve just been talking to Saurman, he needs me down at Orthanc immediately.”
“No, I’m not sure why, he seemed it was too important to tell me over the phone.”
“Look, I’m going to have to go see what he wants. Keep an eye on Frodo, I’ll give him a call, tell him to leave ASAP.”
“Ok, see you soon. Take care, bye”

“Gandalf! I expected to hear from you ages ago”
“Yes, plans are all set for the 22nd of September”
“What? Leave when? Gandalf? You’re breaking up on me, Gandalf?”

Eowyn and Eomer both purchased the same model phone- the Nahor Mark II. After Grima banishes Eomer, the siblings mistakenly swap phones.

Grima, determined to win Eowyn’s affections, decides to call her and read some of his poetry. Alas; the call goes through to Eomer.

“Hello,” Eomer squeaks, having just mounted his horse.
“Your eyes are like little pools of mud, filled with worms and slugs”
Stunned silence is recorded from Eomer.
“Your hair like the waxy gold crust, l…”
“Who IS This?!?!?!” Cries Eomer, determined not to hear the rest of that particular metaphor.
“My dear, your voice is so husky and rough-I like it!”
“Grima?! Is that you?”

Startled by the realization that he is talking to Eomer, and not Eowyn, Grima hangs up. Eomer, determined to keep Grima away from his sister at any cost, calls back. Grima seeing “Sweet Eowyn” come up on his phone answers sleazily “Ice Princess, let me count the ways that I desire you. One one thousand….”

Faramir to Aragorn:
“So, what do you think -a King’s niece and a guy like me?”
‘Really? Do you have her number?”

Faramir to Eowyn’s Mobile (still in the possession of Eomer)
(Clears throat)
Eyes of ice
Hair of Gold
On you my Heart
Is Quite Sold.
“Grima? Is that you? I’m going to rip your…”
“Grima?!? Who’s Grima? This is Faramir? Who are you? And why are you answering Eowyn’s phone?”
‘I’m really going to have to get my phone back’ thinks Eomer. ‘This is getting ridiculous

‘Hi, yes, it’s Legolas Greenleaf”
“Yes, yes, it has been a long time.”
“Look, I’m down in Rohan and I was wondering if you could recommend a hairdresser down here. All of this adventuring has been murder on my hair.”
“Yeah, what’s that, Riddermark Mane and Nails, Hold on, let me grab a quill. Uh, huh. Number twenty-seven, Stallion Lane, Edoras. Right. Ask for Stephan. Brilliant. I cannon wait to get this orc blood completely out of my hair. “
“Oh, wait one last question. Do they serve dwarves as well? Fantastic.”
(Hangs up.)
‘Brilliant, about time Gimli took care of his split ends”

Mordor to the Black Riders
“I’m sorry the Black Rider you’ve tried to contact has been temporarily disincorporated. Please call back in three to four month’s time.”

Glorfindle receives text from “Elrond” (really Arwen)
“Your time has come to leave Middle Earth. The next voyage to the Havens leaves tomorrow.”

Haldir’s phone goes off (it’s on vibrating alert) and breaks his concentration in the middle of the Battle for Helm’s deep.
“HELLO HALDIR.”
“What? Who are you? Can you call back later? I’m rather busy right now.”
“NOT ANYMORE.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“YOU NO LONGER HAVE COMMITMENTS IN THAT PARTICULAR PLANE OF EXISTANCE”
“What? Oh, I see. Now what?”
“I’M AFRAID THAT IS ENTIRELY UP TO YOU.”
“But I’m an elf! I have no concept of an afterlife!”
“THAN I SUGGEST YOU INVENT ONE RATHER QUICKLY.”

Sam to Gwahir
“Sam Gamgee here, I’d like to call for a pickup.”
“Yeah, Mount Doom.”
“What do you mean you don’t fly into Mordor?!!? This is an emergency! Can’t you make an exception? For cryin’ out loud! My Master’s hurt, and the volcano’s eruptin’ he just saved the world, and all you care about is getting your tail feathers singed.”
“Fine, ten minutes? Good, Thank you.”

“pi..pi…pip…pippin he.. here….
“Pippin my lad! Where are you?!”
“under….a…ruddy…big…troll…..”
“Laddie, if you were dead I was going to kill you!”
“If you don’t….get this troll… off of me now… you’ll still have that chance!”

Glorfindle to Elrond.
“Hiya Elrond, Hey, could you do me a favor please?
“No reason to shout mate, the connection’s not that bad. Look I’m on my way to the havens.”
“Hey, I’m only here ‘cause you sent me, and boy, when you’re right, you’re right! This is the best vacation I’ve had in millennia.”
“My goodness, you really have been under a lot of stress lately. You could really use a break. These Trans-oceanic cruises are fabulous! Sun, Girls, shuffleboard, drinks. It’s amazing what a few weeks of R&R can do for you.”
“Well, if you’re going to be that rude. Anyway, as I was saying, could you send my golf clubs out on the next ship?”
“My goodness, what’s the point? I was just asking a small favor. Now Elrond, Do take care, I’m sure everything will work out with the ring and all. Have a little faith! Bye Now!”

“Hey Grishnak, how’re ya doin’?”
“Fine, just fine. Look about that football match on Saturday.”
“Yeah, I was looking forward to it too, well, the thing is, my lads and I have just been transferred to Osgiliath, and we’re just going to have to postpone the rematch”
“Chicken? Who’re you calling chicken? You’re just glad that you won’t have to bear the humiliation of losing to us again.”

Gandalf, standing outside the doors of Durin, Frustrated by his inability to open the doors, calls Elrond on his mobile;
“What do you mean you’ve forgotten it?”
“Yes! I’ve tried ‘Gold’ in Dwarfish- All 472 different kinds!”
“Because there’s a great ruddy mountain blocking the signal! Otherwise I would have phoned Galadrial First!”

“Pip, how are you.”
“Merry, you’ve got to get to Gondor; the view from the city wall is AMAZING”
“That’s great pippin, but how’s the food over there?”
“A bit on the scanty side, since everyone’s worried about the war, but the beer’s not bad and the apples are decent. My pipeweed’s not going to hold out very long though. Wish you were here Merry.”
“Well, you may get your wish sooner than you thought.”
“What? I thought you were supposed to be staying in Rohan Merry!”
“I couldn’t stay in Rohan, not when I could still be of service to King Theodan!”
“But how did you convince him to let you go with the Roherrim?”
“I didn’t, I’ve hitched a ride with a quite soldier named Dernhelm. A nice chap I’m sure, but there’s a look in his eye that scares me.”
“Come on Merry, What kind of look could scare you?”
“Dunno Pip, It’s almost like he knows he’s riding to his doom and welcomes his fate.”
“Now Merry, do go taking after him. I want to see you get to Gondor in one Piece! Cause if you don’t, who’s going to keep me from getting into trouble?”

We apologize, the conversations between Aragorn and Arwen were deemed to sappy and mushy to bother transcribing.

“Gollum! How did you get my number! I’m going to hang up right now!”
“Smeagol! Don’t you want to talk to us? Nice Smeagol! Do gives us a listen!”
“GO AWAY!”
“Nice Smeagol. Gollum, Gollum. Wants to help poor Smeagol we does.”
“What can you do for us?”
“Help you, we can, get rid of fat hobbit now.”
“But master won’t like it, fat hobbit is his friend. No mustn’t do it.”
“But if we kills the fat hobbit, the precious is nearly ours!”
“No won’t do it, promised the master we did.”
“All we have to do is roll him into the marsh while he’s sleeping. Tricksy hobbits will never know what happened!”
"No! I cannot! Not listening! Go away and never come back!”
Gollum/Smeagol throws his phone into the marsh. Where a dead elf picks it up and runs up a large bill calling his girlfriend.

Legolas and Gimli’s text messages from Helm’s Deep:
Gimli:2
Legolas:20
Gimli:21
Legolas:24
Legolas:39
Gimli:42
Legolas: Alas! I’ve only 41!

“Mr. Anderson, What are you doing here?”
“We’ve come to rid the world of your evil tyranny. Hey, what are you doing in those clothes? And what’s wrong with your ears?
“Mr. Anderson, you’ve got the wrong reality. The Matrix doesn’t exist in this world. Here I’m a good guy, an elf, or at least half of one.”
“oh, sorry, my mistake! Something must have gone wrong in the editing room.
"No problem. Good bye Mr. Anderson.”

Ents don’t have cell phones, preferring to use “land lines” whenever possible. Besides, what carriers have enough plans with enough minutes to carry out conversations in entish?

“Boramir Speaking.”
“Boramir…” (hissed voice)
“Hmm, You sound familiar. Have we spoken before?”
“ash nazg…”

“Boramir here”
“Ash Nazg…”
“Hello beautiful. Has anyone ever told you that you have a very alluring voice?”

Pippin using his nifty new ‘hands-free’ leaf-shaped mobile phone, tries to contact Aragorn and find out where the heck their rescue is, but as he dials, he receives the following message.
“You have insufficient funds to place this call, please contact your service provider.”
The diminutive hobbit throws his phone away in disgust, thus explaining why the leaves of Lorien do not fall idly!

Pippin, whilst exploring Rivendell, discovers Elrond’s study. Noting that the venerable elf is no where to be seen, the intrepid hobbit explorer decides to do a little ‘investigating’. After searching aimlessly through old parchments and books, pippin spots Elrond’s mobile charging on his desk. Curious to see what type of model Elrond has, Pippin picks up the phone. To his horror, the key pad is not ‘locked’ and his fingers hit ‘1’ and ‘call’ – activating Elrond’s speed-dial features. Terrified that the call will go through before he can stop it, Pippin randomly hits what he hopes is the ‘end call’ button and picks up the phone to hear if anyone was still on the line. A soft voice whispers in his ear,
“You’ve reached Agent Smith…”

Gandalf in Khazad Dum receives a call from the Balrog.
“Doomed! You are doomed! Prepare to meat your death Wizard!”
“I’m not afraid of you, you overgrown flaming marshmallow!”
“Oh, yeah? I can take you down and your silly little ring bearer too!”
“I’d like to see you try!’
"Oh yeah?”
“Yeah”
“Than I’ll see you at the Bridge, you over grown boy scout”
“Make my day.”
Gandalf’s phone then bursts into flames and melts into a plastic puddle on the floor.

Diversionary tactics:

Mass phone calls were sent to members of the opposing army, distracting them en masse, the calls were made by special arrangement with telemarketers.

Merry, whilst aiding ‘Dernhelm’ in their attack on the Witch King hands his phone to the Nazgul, with the explanation of “It’s for you”, thus distracting the king and allowing Eowyn to finish him off.

Voice Mail Greetings:

Treebeard: Humm, leave a message, there is no need to be, hrumph, hasty, as there is plenty of room on the machine to accommodate you, and......

Saruman: The wizard you are trying to reach is currently in a no service zone due to severe flooding damage in the area. Crews are working to restore service. Please try again later.

[Inappropriate] Ring Tones:

Gimli: “Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It’s off to work I go!”
Arwen: “Who Wants to Live Forever”
Treebeard: “We Will Rock You” (Queen)
Shelob: “Welcome to my Parlor said the Spider to the Fly”
Elrond; “MIB”
Entwives: “California Dreamin’”
Aragorn: “Fanfare for the Common Man”
Legolas: “Vogue” (Madonna)
Pippin: “I don’t know where I’m going I’m not sure where I’ve been” (John Denver)
Frodo: “To dream the impossible dream” (Man of LaMancha)
Boromir: “Hard Day’s Night” (The Beatles)
Eowyn: “They say when you marry in June” (Seven Brides for Seven Brothers)
Saruman: “I Talk to the Trees” (Paint Your Wagon)
Orc: “Whistle While you Work”
Eomer- the theme from The Man From Snowy River
Faramir- “Iris”-the Goo-Goo Dolls
Galadriel: “I’m Cute” (Animaniacs)
Haldir: “Men in Tights” (Robin Hood Men in Tights)
Sauron: "The Imperial March: (Star Wars)
Merry: "Blowin’ in the Wind" (Bob Dylan)
Gollum: “Zombie" (The Cranberries)
Sam: “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother”
Denethor: “Burinin’ Down the House”
Gandalf: “I’ve Got the Power”
Gwahir: “Fly like an Eagle”
Wormtongue: “Uninvited” (Alanis Morissette)

Easterling traveling to Mordor shows his friend his new ringtone “Birds of Ithilien” and inadvertently signals Faramir’s attack.

Transcriber's note #2: due to the jumbled nature of the tapes found during excavations, files are out of order and do not reflect the actual sequence of events in any way shape or form.

Transcriber's note #3: It has become apparent that the space-time continuum is seriously unstable. This is especially shown by the ring-tones as well as the transcripts themselves showing that history has changed itself to conform to the changes made in the story-line by one Mr. Peter Jackson. Perhaps these irregularities can be explained by a dual system of dimensions that has overlapped greatly. Only further excavations can support or revise this hypothesis. Please feel free to send any donations to fund this important work to the transcribers: Camille Jolley and Rhonda Hamilton.

Transcriber's Note #4: the above work represents the intellectual (albeit rather silly) work of Rhonda Hamilton and Camille Jolley, please include this notice if using any of our work elsewhere to avoid the evils of copyright infringement.