Pet Loss

To lose a pet can be as or even more painful than losing a human loved one.  Our pets are part of our families; we can spend years with our furry or feathered friends, and they are often a very large part of our lives.  When we lose them, we mourn deeply.  They have given us that most rare and precious gift:  unconditional love.

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross long ago documented the stages of grief, and those of us who mourn the loss of a pet go through the same process we do when mourning a person.  We may feel shock, denial, anger, depression.  We may want to bargain with our deity to somehow bring them back.  In time, we accept that we have lost a precious being.

These stages do not go in a nice, neat, straight line.  We may feel that we are moving toward acceptance one moment, and then feel anger the next.  We may feel, months later, that we have accepted our loss, and then find ourselves once again tearfully thinking of our furbaby.  All of this is normal, and all of us who deeply love and lose a pet go through it.

There is no timetable for grief of any kind, and that includes the grief of pet loss.  Each of us grieves individually in our own way, and in our own time.  Some of us may need only a few months to accept our loss; that does not mean we loved our pets less because someone else takes a year.  Some of us may need a year or even longer, to accept the loss of our pet.  Again, this is normal.

There are times where the loss may be too overwhelming, and where it may be interfering with your life.  If you feel that it is, if you feel after several years that you cannot accept your loss, you may want to ask for some help from a professional counselor.  There are good social workers, psychologists and such out there.  There are even professional grief counselors.  Unfortunately, there are also some in the mental health field who are still learning that the grief from pet loss is very real and very normal, so if you choose to consult a professional and find one who is not supportive and understanding of your pain, ask for a referral to a counselor who will understand.

Often when we lose a beloved pet, that terrible loss can be compounded by bringing back the feelings associated with other losses we have experienced.  It isn't unusual for people to find thenselves crying for a pet, and then find themselves crying over a parent who was lost years earlier.  This, too, is normal.

Crying isn't often viewed kindly in American culture, especially for men.  Yet crying after losing a beloved cat or dog can be a great release, and a wonderful beginning of healing.  Tears are cleansing, and as we cry for our furbabies, we allow the love we have for them to live.  Our tears are our acknowledgement to ourselves that we have lost a friend, a companion, a furchild.  To cry is to acknowledge how very deeply we loved them.

There are also many in the American culture who don't understand the deep bond that many of us share with our pets.  Some think "It was just an animal".  Some may say "Just go get another one."  It's a reality we have to face that some people have never experienced the joy and love that we have shared with our pets.  It is also a great sadness that there are those who have never experienced this bond.  When you have lost a furbaby, you may hear words that hurt from those who don't understand.  Don't allow their words to hurt you, and realize that their lives are poorer for having never known the love of a pet.

Your feelings after losing your furbaby may be intense and strong.  You may not want to go to work, or get out of bed.  You may cry a lot.  You may feel an intense feeling of loneliness.  You may not want to put away your pet's things, or you may want to immediately put them out of sight.  We all go through many different feelings, and they are all normal.  If you can take time off work and that will help you, don't feel badly about asking for it.  If throwing yourself into work will help you to cope in the short term, that is okay, too.  It isn't at all odd to want to keep your pet's things around you for awhile; it is also okay to put them away if they remind you too much of your pain.  We all do things differently to try to cope with this terrible grief, and whatever will help you move through it, within reason, is what you need to do.

There are many people who feel better by doing something in honor of their furbabies who have crossed over.  You could put up a web page in honor of your pet.  You could post a tribute on an existing website.  You could plant flowers, or a tree, in their honor.  You could make a donation in your pet's name to a shelter or an animal rights group.  You could write a letter, or make a journal, expressing your feelings to your baby who has crossed over.

One of the most important things to try to do as soon as you can is to take care of yourself.  The loss may hit you hard, and you may not want to eat, may not sleep well, may not think to take care of yourself.  It's important to do whatever you can to take care of yourself as soon as possible.  Your dog may be gone, but you still must eat to live.  Your cat may have crossed over, but if you don't sleep, you are harming your own body.  Your bird or rabbit may be at the Rainbow Bridge, but you still need to get out of bed and remember that you are alive and still a part of this world.

Be kind to yourself.  Go to a favorite park or special site, and allow yourself to appreciate the life that is still there.  Take a long bubblebath and refresh your body and spirit.  And remind yourself how much of a loving human being you were to your furbaby.

One of the hardest feelings most of us go through after losing a pet is the feeling of guilt.  Most of us suffer through this feeling, and although 99% of the time it is unwarranted, we are human and still feel it anyway.  We may feel it, but I believe it is important to understand why we should not beat ourselves up with this terrible feeling, and why letting it go is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves.  I wrote an article about this, which appears on the www.petloss.com site, and which is also linked below on this site.
 
 

One of the hardest questions in losing a pet involves euthanasia.  Should you or shouldn't you choose to put your suffering pet to sleep?  How do you know when it's time?  Should you be with them, or not?

It's often very hard for us to tell when our furbabies are suffering too much.  They can't tell us directly, and animals by instinct will often hide pain from us.  We are left with the terrible decision of whether or not to end their lives.

All we can do is ask ourselves "Is s/he in pain?  Is there anything that can be done?  Is it possible to have surgery, or treatment, and will that give him/her a normal life?  Is s/he terminal?  Is it hopeless?  What is s/he telling me about how s/he feels?"

If there is treatment, if there is truly hope and a possibility that your pet may live many more years, then you should look at what you can do for your baby.  There are many frightening diseases that can be treated and brought under control through surgery or medication.  Animals with diabetes, thyroid conditions, heart conditions, or kidney failure can often be treated and live many more years.  Even cancer can sometimes be successfully treated if caught in time.

But if there is no hope, if your furbaby is in terrible pain, if s/he is hiding (an instinctual behavior that means s/he wants to go off and die), if your baby has little or no quality of life, then you will need to consider euthanasia.

To allow your suffering pet to be released from that suffering can be the last great gift you give to him or her.  Your furbaby has trusted you to take care of him or her and to do what was best; to stop the pain is the last gift you can give.

Should you be there with your pet when s/he is released from this life?  Again, that is an individual decision.  I personally believe it is yet another gift you can give your furbaby.  But I also believe that your pet will not blame you if you choose not to be there.  We can't always be there when they cross over, and yet I believe they know we loved them regardless of whether we were with them or not.  Even if you choose not to be with your pet in their last moments, I believe they will understand your decision.  If you do choose to be there, I believe it can help you and help him/her in their transition.

How do we deal with the realities we face after our pet dies?  We have to decide whether to bury or cremate.  We have to decide when, or where.  We have to decide what to do with the remains if we cremate.  In the midst of our pain, these can be overwhelming and painful questions.  What is right for you to choose depends on your own feelings, your own beliefs, and your own spirituality.  For some, cremating and being able to keep your furbaby's ashes with you can bring solace.  For others, a burial in a permanent place that you can visit can help bring peace.  Some may want to scatter ashes in a favorite place.  Some may choose a pet cemetery.  Each of these options exists, and whatever you feel is right is what you should do.  There is one caveat, which is that there are local laws and ordinances that may mean you cannot legally bury your pet in your backyard or another place.  Find out what your local laws are before you make this decision.

What happens to a pet after they die?  Do they go to heaven?  Do they live on?  Do they have souls?  These are questions with which we wrestle after they are gone.

Some religions, some members of some religions, may say that animals do not have souls and that they do not go to heaven or a similar place.  But even within each religion, there are some who believe differently.  Seek out those who understand your pain, and don't allow yourself to lose faith in your own spirituality because official doctrine may differ.  There are probably those within your religion who do understand and believe as you do.  Whether it be a priest, priestess, minister, rabbi, or other religious official, talk to those who you think may understand and believe as you do.  God, Goddess, Allah, Buddha -- whoever you believe the Creator of Earth to be created the animals as surely as S/He created us.

Do they go to heaven?  If you believe in heaven, then they most certainly do.  If you believe in reincarnation, then they most certainly are reborn as we are.  For a long time, there has existed a wonderful story on the Internet about where our pets go after they die.  Whatever you belief system, the Rainbow Bridge story is a story of hope and healing that has helped many.  The text of the story is linked below.
 
 

Do our furbabies come back to visit us after they're gone?  Many people have reported seeing signs of their pets who have crossed over.  Sometimes in dreams, sometimes in signs, sometimes in a glimpse or a feeling.  Are these things real?

I believe they are.  I believe our pets who have crossed over do come back to let us know that they are okay.  I believe they try to communicate with us in all sorts of ways to let us know that message.

If you look, and listen, and are open, your baby may communicate with you.  It could be a message in a dream, or it could be as simple as feeling a gentle wind blow out of nowhere as you think of him or her.  They care, and they want to connect with us from beyond.  Those times when you believe you see them out of the corner of your eye?  You probably have had a visit.  Sometimes it is in a quick flash, sometimes you can feel them, or hear them.  I believe that it is not "wishful thinking" or madness when this occurs.  I believe they are contacting you.  It is a sweet gift to be treasured.

After a time, you may being to think about adopting another pet.  Should you do this?  When is the best time?  How long should you wait?

Adopting another pet to love can be a great gift that your furbaby left you.  It can be healing, and you can give another pet a chance at a happy, well-loved, life.

You cannot, and will not, ever replace the one you lost.  Adopting a new one to love will not take away from the love or the memory of your baby who has crossed over.  But you can open your heart to another pet in need.  There are countless unwanted animals in shelters all over the world.  There are older pets, abandoned pets, pets that aren't "pretty", pets in need of love.  And each act of love given to them is a testament to the love you had for your furbaby.

Sometimes, your baby who has passed on will lead another pet to you.  One will show up on your doorstep, or a relative will need to find a home for a pet.  Sometimes, you may find yourself at a shelter, and a cat or dog will be reaching out to you and you will know.  The cycle of love is never-ending, and the furbabies at the Bridge will often remind us of this.

Is it possible to heal?  How long does it take?

Yes.  It is possible to heal.  How long it takes depends on how long you need.

In the beginning, it may feel like it will never stop.  It may feel like you will cry forever.  It may feel like part of your life has been ripped from you.

It can stop, and it does.  And to allow yourself to heal is not to say that you will forget the one you loved.  You won't.  It does not mean that you will not always carry the memory and the love of your furbaby in your heart.  You will.  To heal means that you can and will begin to remember your pet with smiles instead of tears.  It means that your heart will be open again.  It means that the love you felt and still feel will outweigh the grief.  When you are ready, to heal is the most beautiful honor you can give the furbaby you loved, for it means that s/he left your heart bigger than s/he found it.
 
 

http://www.petloss.com
Petloss.com.  This is one of the most healing, helpful sites I have seen for helping with pet loss.  The site owner, Ed Williams, has provided a great deal of help for those grieving the loss of a furbaby.  There are stories, poetry, articles, a message board, a place to post tributes, and a candle ceremony live on-line on Monday nights.  The direct link to the chatroom for that ceremony is below.

http://Petloss.com/chathelp.htm
This is the direct link to the pet loss chat at petloss.com.  Each Monday night at 10:00 p.m. Eastern time, there is an online ceremony, "The Monday Night Candle Ceremony" for those grieving the loss of their pets.  It is very healing.  The chat is always open, although most people are there between 9:00 pm and Midnight Eastern time any day of the week.

http://www.lightning-strike.com/
The Lightning Strike Pet-Loss Support Page.  A great deal of helpful information and resources.  From M.D. Cohn, the orignator of the alt.support.grief.pet-loss newsgroup.

http://www.avma.org/care4pets/losspetl.htm
Some basic helpful advice from the American Veterinary Medical Association, including a list of recommended books.

http://trfn.clpgh.org/animalfriends/pet_loss.html
Animal Friends Online -- Pet Loss & Grieving Resources.  Extensive links on all aspects of pet loss.

http://www.aplb.org/
The Association for Pet Loss & Bereavement site.  A group of professionals helping with pet loss issues.

http://www.griefhealing.com/
An excellent site with some wonderful articles related to grieving of all kinds.  There is a special section on pet loss, with many informative articles and some healing thoughts and poetry.  Look for my piece, "Gifts", on this site.

http://www.petlinecasket.com/
Pet Caskets and Urns for Pet Loss and Animal Deaths.  It is a sad fact that many of us will have to deal with the loss of our pets.  And the reality is that we will have to decide whether to bury or cremate our friends, and how.  This is a gentle site with very kind and helpful people if you are in need of a casket or urn for your furbaby who has crossed over.
 

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