Jan. 1, 2004: Isaac - 23, Taylor - 20, Zac - 18, Jessica - 15, Avery - 11, Mackie - 9, Zoe - 6
Jan. 1, 2003: Isaac - 22, Taylor - 19, Zac - 17, Jessica - 14, Avery - 10, Mackie - 8, Zoe - 5
Jan. 1, 2002: Isaac - 21, Taylor - 18, Zac - 16, Jessica - 13, Avery - 9, Mackie - 7, Zoe - 4
Damaged
Chapter 1
"Jessie, are you coming?" Avery asked, poking her head around the doorway.
"Yes, I'm coming!" I snapped, slamming the drawer shut and whirling around to face her. "Do I have to run as fast as I can?"
Avery actually backed away, shock and hurt evident in her face. I had never spoken to her like that before. She opened her mouth as if to speak but no sound came out. Regret washed over me instantly.
"Sorry, Ave, I shouldn't...I just..." I sighed. "I'm having a bad day." I started to move towards her.
She shook her head wildly, backing up even farther. "No, it's okay, I don't mind." Smiling tightly, Avery turned and practically ran down the hall and thundered down the stairs. I heard somebody exclaim, and knew she would spill the whole story.
Sighing, I shut the door softly and turned back to the drawer I had just slammed shut and continued with what I had been doing. I was hiding my collection of sleeping and caffiene pills, as well as my cigarettes, in one of my socks. Maybe not the best hiding place, but it was all I had, what with sharing the room with Avery. I had to hide them because, after catching me with the caffiene pills one time, Mom told me to throw them out and never touch them again, and cigarettes are a big no-no. She just doesn't understand - Isaac, Taylor, and Zac aren't the only ones who have to deal with sleep deprivation and stress.
Something slammed into the door, interrupting my thoughts. It wasn't as if I hadn't been expecting it - as I said, Avery probably told the whole thing, complete with tears and exaggeration.
"Jessica Hanson! Open this door right now!" Zac raged. It was an unwritten law that no Hanson could pass through a closed bedroom door without first knocking and receiving permission.
Calm as could be, I checked to make sure nothing looked unusual, closed the drawer once again, and settled myself on my bed. "Come in."
Zac stormed in. "How could you do that to Avery?"
"Do what?"
He glared at me. "Don't play games with me, Jess. You know what I'm talking about. She's only eleven! Mom told her to come up and ask you if you were ready - she didn't do it on her own accord."
"Look, I don't know what Ave told you, but I didn't do anything except snap at her, for which I apologized. And, if everybody would just calm down around here and wait two whole seconds, I would be ready. Why is it always rush, rush, rush?"
Zac rolled his eyes. "Come off it, Jess. Just because you're a teenager, you don't have to go through that whole dramatic 'I'm the queen; worship me now' thing. Now get your ass in gear and get downstairs." Without even giving me a chance to reply, he turned and left the room.
Mimicking him, I threw my remaining must-haves in a bag and joined everyone else in the kitchen. Zoe, although six, was throwing a tantrum because Mom wouldn't let her have a cookie, Mackie was playing a video game, Avery was hitching a ride on Zac's back as he galloped around the kitchen and tried not to run into anyone, Taylor was leaning against the counter and rubbing his forehead like he had a headache, Isaac was grabbing bags and helping my dad load them, and Natalie and Ezra were supervising them. As you can imagine, things get a little crazy and crowded around here with so many people.
Walking over to Isaac, I reluctantly handed my bag over (my other three having previously been loaded) and joined Taylor at the counter. "Ready to go?"
Taylor half-laughed. "Yeah, right."
"Me too."
"I thought you liked touring with us," he said, giving me a strange look.
"I do, I'd just like to have the right to stay home when I want to stay."
"Jess, the whole family voted. Mom and Zoe were going to stay home if anyone else wanted to. Everyone said they wanted to go, including you."
"I know." I sighed, trying to hide my irratation. I thought Taylor would have understood. "Things are just different now, you know? I can't pretend I'm excited about seeing thousands of girls profess their undying desire to sleep with all of you."
"It's going to be different this time, you know that."
"How do you know?" I grumbled, but my words were lost in my dad's voice.
"Okay, everybody, let's go! You know where you're supposed to be, so get there!" He clapped his hands and pointed towards the door.
I sighed again, suddenly feeling as if I couldn't get enough air. I followed the crowd of my family members out into the sunshine and tried to decide if I wanted to sit with my older brothers and Dad, or my younger siblings and Mom. Quickly deciding on my brothers in hopes of sleep, I yelled to Mom and pointed at Taylor's back. She nodded, and I followed Taylor onto the bus.
We used to just have one tour bus, and our whole family had to try and crowd on there. However, after gaining a bit more money, we were able to buy two, used but better, buses. With the exception of Ezra now and then, you had to be at least thirteen to ride with the boys - Mom and Dad believed that was old enough to know to let them be if they're working on anything. As if we didn't know that from the moment we were born.
We probably hadn't even been riding for ten minutes when it became obvious that Isaac was the only one interested in working on music. Taylor was bouncing Ezra on his lap, alternatively placing loud kisses on his cheek and making funny faces at him, and Zac was playing a game. Isaac was sitting on the couch, strumming his guitar quietly, a notebook in front of him. Not really in the mood to play against Zac or mess with the baby, I grabbed a bottle of water and excused myself to the back.
Pulling out a bottle of sleeping pills, I shook five out into my hand and sat down on the bunk. I swallowed them quickly and lay back, balancing the water on my stomach and breathing slowly. Sleep was soon creeping in, and I felt the bottle slip and land on the bed next to me. It was cold against my side, but at that point I didn't care. I just curled up in a little ball and let sleep carry me away...
"Jess! Jessica, open your eyes! Oh, my god, I can't wake her up! Why can't I wake her up?!" The voice, which had started out faint, was progressivly growing louder and louder.
"Move!" It was a new voice; a new hand shaking my shoulder. "Jess, wake up."
I groaned and turned my head, letting my eyes drift open. I found myself face to face with a scared looking Isaac, with Taylor and Zac looking equally scared behind him. I closed my eyes again and turned away to face the ceiling.
"Jess..." Isaac's voice faded away. It was appearant that he didn't know what to say.
"Why'd you wake me?"
"Why'd we wake you? You've been asleep for almost ten hours! Ten hours! And then you wouldn't even wake up!" Taylor sounded as if he was on the edge of hysteria, and I knew it was him who had tried to wake me before Isaac.
"Why couldn't we wake you?" Isaac's voice was quiet, calm. I refused to look at him. "Jess. Why wouldn't you wake up?"
"I'm just tired, okay? God, it's not like I'm dead or something."
"We thought you were."
I turned my head to stare at Zac in amazement. He was staring at the ceiling, swallowing hard.
"We kept saying your name...kept shaking you...we panicked." He looked straight at me. "We thought you had died."
A cold shiver went through my body. "Well, I didn't. I'm still alive."
"If you're on something, just tell us."
"Isaac! What the fuck! No. I'm not on anything. At least not anything you guys haven't touched."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
I glared at Taylor for a moment, then rolled over again. "Nothing."
"Jessica-"
"Will you please just leave me alone?" There was silence. "Please?"
There was even more silence, and then the soft russel of the curtain that seperated the front from the bunks, and I knew they were gone. I let my breath out slowly.
"...we thought you had died."
I felt another shiver run down my spine. I wasn't feeling too well, and Zac's little comment had me feeling even worse. Nausea was slowly starting to creep up on me, so I headed for the bathroom as quietly as I could. The last thing I needed was for one of the boys to hear me.
It had been happening a lot lately, the nausea. I don't know what causes it, but food makes it worse. My parents are starting to look at me differently because I'm losing weight and don't have much of an appetite anymore. It feels like anything I eat will just come back up, anyway. It worries me, but I don't see any sense in disrupting everyone's lives just so Mom can take me to the doctor. So I just keep my mouth shut.
"Jess?"
I looked up from my journal. "Yeah, Dad?"
"Can I talk to you for a minute?"
I quickly glanced behind him at Taylor, who just shrugged. "Yeah, of course. What about?"
"Let's go back here." He gestured to the bunks, and I stood and followed him back there, sinking down onto one of the bunks. "Jess, what...what's going on with you?"
"Nothing. Why?"
"Well..." My dad rubbed the back of his neck. "You've been acting kind of funny lately. I mean, you snapped at Avie today, and then you came back here and never said a word, and you never really talk to your mom and me anymore, and...I'm just worried about you."
I smiled. Oh, Dad, if you only knew. "No, I'm fine. Touring is just really stressful - you know that. And I'm not supposed to talk to you and Mom. I'm a teenager now, remember?"
He grimaced. "Please, not the 'T' word."
I laughed, and threw my arms around him. "Oh, Daddy, you're so silly." I squeezed him extra-hard for a moment, then let go. "Is that all you wanted?"
He studied my face for a few moments before nodding. "Yeah, that's all," he said softly. He stood, kissing the top of my head, and walked back to the front.
I sighed, leaning against the bunk bed.
"I'm going outside for some air," I called.
"Okay, sweetie."
