"Where is Taylor?" I demanded, bursting into the office.
Isaac stood slowly. "Natalie, hi. Why don't you sit down? Would you like some coffee?"
I shook my head. "No, no. The only thing I want is to know where Taylor is. Is he here?"
"No, he called in sick. Is something wrong?"
I glared at Zac. "Do I look like something is wrong?" With that, I stormed out of the office and straight to my car. I was speeding all the way to Taylor's apartment, but I didn't care. I didn't bother to knock before entering his apartment.
The whole place was dark, although it was barely four in the afternoon. No lights had been turned on, and all the shades were down and covered by curtains. Taylor was sprawled across the couch on his stomach, head hanging over the side. He was twisted in his sheets and appeared to be fast asleep. The place reeked of alochol and smoke.
"Taylor!" I marched over and ripped at his sheets.
His head snapped up, blonde hair falling over his eyes, and immediately he winced. "Nat."
"So you're sick, huh?"
"Please, stop yelling." He made a half-hearted attempt at sitting up, but soon settled for lying against the armrest.
"Stop yelling? Stop yelling!"
"Yes."
"Look at you! It's four p.m., Taylor, and already you're passed out drunk in your apartment! I bet you don't even know what day it is, do you? Do you!" I demanded when he didn't answer.
"No, what day is it?"
"It is TUESDAY! Tuesday, Taylor. Not Monday, not Wednesday, but Tuesday. Do you know what happens on Tuesdays? Do you know what you're supposed to do?"
Taylor brought a shaking hand to his head. "No," he said weakly.
"You're supposed to pick up Ezra from soccer! You know, your SON!"
"Oh my god."
"Yeah. He was heartbroken, Taylor! He barely sees you as it is, and it seems that you would want to see him, but I guess you just care more about getting wasted. What a great influence."
"Natalie, I'm sorry-"
"You know, I don't have to let you see him. There's no court order that says I have to."
Taylor stared at me. "You wouldn't do that."
"Are you sure?" There was a moment of silence. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Look, you are twenty-seven years old. You have a son. He needs you, but he doesn't need to see you like this. I'm not going to take him away from him unless you keep this up. Now, I have to go. I dropped Ezra off at your mother's house. If you think you can sober up and clean up enough to go get him, then do so. If you can't, you call me. I don't want him coming to a dirty, filthy apartment. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Good. I'll be by to pick Ezra up around eight tomorrow, okay? He has school, so don't forget to wake him and get him ready." I opened the door. "Call me if you want me to pick him up and keep him tonight." I gave Taylor a pointed look and then left.
******
"Uncle Zac! Uncle Zac!"
I bent down and opened my arms wide, scooping up the little boy that ran straight to me. I stood, hugging him as tightly as I dared. "Hey, little buddy. How was soccer practice?"
Ezra let go of my neck and leaned back in my arms. "It was good. I scored a goal."
"Hey, all right!" I hugged him again before setting him on the ground and kneeling beside him. "Keep that up and you'll go straight to the pros." I ruffled his hair. "Say, where's your dad? I need to talk to him."
"He's in the kitchen."
"Okay. Why don't you go play in your room for a while, okay, buddy? Then I'll watch a movie with you or something."
"Okay, Uncle Zac!" Ezra zoomed off down the hall.
I straighted up slowly and walked into the kitchen. Taylor was leaning against the counter, face hidden by his hands, appearantly unaware that I had even entered his apartment. Noting the way his hands were trembling, I frowned and cleared my throat. "Taylor."
He jumped about a foot in the air, then tried to cover his surprise with a smile. "Hey, Zac. How are ya?" He made his way to a chair and sat down.
"Natalie warned me, but I didn't believe her," I said, scoffing.
Taylor's head shot up. "You've been talking to Natalie?"
"She said your place was a mess; that you were a mess."
"I am not a mess."
"Just look at yourself!"
Taylor jumped up and started gathering his dirty dishes, shoving them into the dishwasher. "I think I look fine, thank you very much. I'm just tired - Ezra has a lot of energy, you know."
"Yes, I do know, no thanks to you. If it weren't for Natalie, I doubt our family would ever even see him."
"Is that why you came here?" Taylor slammed the door shut. "To criticize me? Or maybe to check up on me? Because if it is, you can just leave right now."
"No, that's not why I came here." I watched Taylor gather up the used napkins and paper plates that littered the counters and shove them in the wastebasket. I couldn't help but notice the abundance of empty liquor bottles.
"Really? Well, I wouldn't be surprised. But as you can see, I'm doing just fine. And Ezra's fine, too. We're all just fine." He walked into the living room, calling for Ezra to come and pick up his toys before turning back to me. "If you want to talk to me about something other than my mess of a life, or play around with Ezra, that's fine. But I will not stand here and listen to you tell me what a bad parent and person I am. I get that enough from Natalie." He turned away from me once more as Ezra entered the room. "Pick up your toys, please."
"Aw, Dad, do I have to?"
"Yes. Your mom is picking you up early in the morning, and I don't want to have to worry about you forgetting something you wanted."
I took ahold of Taylor's arm and gently pulled him back into the kitchen as Ezra grudgingly complied to his father's request. "I never said you were a bad parent, and I would never, ever say you're a bad person. Even if I did, it would be a lie. But - and I'm saying this as your brother who loves you - you have got to clean your act up before you hurt yourself or Ezra. There are better ways to handle your problems.
Taylor yanked out of my grasp. "Say good-bye to Uncle Zac, Ezra. He has to leave."
"Taylor, wait."
Taylor looked at me, studying my face for a long moment. "Give him a hug, then it's time for bed."
Ezra sighed and looked up at me. "Do you really have to go?"
I knelt down once more. "Yeah, I do. Sorry, Bud. We'll watch a movie some other time," I promised, kissing him firmly on the top of his head. I released him and stood up. "Sleep tight." I strode over to the door and opened it slightly. "See ya, Taylor."
Taylor jerked his head in acknowledgement, studying the floor and refusing to look at me.
Sighing, I waved to Ezra and walked out the door.
******
"Ezra, come on! You're going to be late for school if you don't hurry!" I checked my watch once again and sighed. When I had arrived at Taylor's apartment, I wasn't surprised to find out that Taylor and Ezra had just woken up. Taylor was now staring sullenly into a mug of coffee and Ezra was off in his room getting dressed. I sighed again and pulled out a chair across from Taylor, sitting down heavily. "Taylor, I told you what time I'd be here to pick up Ezra."
"Natalie, I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"
"I want you to mean it, okay? I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that you're sorry and really mean it for once." Taylor didn't say anything, and I stood up again, walking away from him. "Ezra! For the last time!"
It hadn't always been like this between Taylor and me. We really were in love, or, at least I think we were. But something changed when I found out I was pregnant and we were guilted into a fast marriage. I knew that Taylor didn't want to be tied down - he wanted to live the way he felt a normal 19-year-old lived. That meant partying and drinking...all night, usually. We toughed it out for about two years, but I couldn't handle the nights he would come stumbling in and he couldn't handle the pressures of marriage and fatherhood. Now, don't get me wrong - Taylor loves being a dad, and he loves Ezra with all his heart, and he is being the best parent he knows how to be. Unfortunately, even after the divorce, the partying didn't stop. And even when it did, the drinking was still there. Well, is still there. I don't want Ezra to grow up looking up to a drunken father that can barely keep his act together, but then again, I don't want Ezra to grow up without a father. I guess what I really want is the old Taylor back.
Ezra came running out of his room, grinning at me the way Taylor used to. "Sorry, Mom," he said.
I bent down and kissed him firmly on the cheek. "It's okay. Now, go kiss your father good-bye and then we've got to go."
I couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness in my heart as I watched Ezra and Taylor. Ezra hugged him tightly around the neck, Taylor kissing his forehead. "I love you, Dad," I heard Ezra say quietly, almost solemnly. I could hear something lying beneath the words, but I wasn't sure what it was, and I didn't have time to think about it because Ezra was soon bouncing over to me and we were out the door.
"Did you finish your homework?" I asked him, digging around in my purse for my keys as we rode in the elevator. Ezra was still bouncing around.
"Yesss."
"Good. Did you have fun with your dad?"
"Yesss."
I frowned. "Ezra, stop it." The elevator dinged, and we walked out into the lobby. Ezra pushed the door open, and I followed him outside. I unlocked the car door and helped him up and in, then threw his stuff into the trunk. I sped all the way to his private school, but he was still late.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized he'd made it to school without a lunch.
******
I was in the process of unlocking the door when the phone started to ring. Naturally, I became an immediate klutz and the key was too small for the lock. The phone rang once, twice, three times before I got the door open. It was on the fifth ring by the time I stumbled over and picked up the receiver. "Hello?"
"Zac? I was beginning to think you weren't home."
I felt a smile creep over my face. "Sorry, I couldn't get the door unlocked." I settled myself on the couch, not caring that I still hadn't turned on any lights. "So, how are you?"
Natalie sighed. "I'm tired. I don't know what Taylor did to him, but Ezra is just a ball of energy, and I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night, so..."
I knew that Natalie worried too much when it came to Ezra and Taylor. But she had the right. "Have you had supper yet?"
"No, not yet. I think I need to go shopping."
"Well, call Ezra in, get him and yourself ready, and I'll take you two out to dinner."
"Oh, Zac, you don't have to do that."
"I know, but I want to."
"Well, okay, but only if you're sure..."
All of the plans I had and all of the work I needed to get done flew out of my head. Who cared if Isaac was going to kill me for not finishing the report on that new band? "I am. I'll be there in thirty, so you'd better be ready."
We said our good-byes and hung up. Trying to wipe the smile off my face and humming a song I didn't even recognize, I went to take a shower.
Chapter 2
"Why don't you leave Ezra with my parents?"
I looked at Zac in surprise. "What? Why?"
He turned his gaze to Ezra, watching him swing higher and higher. "Well, you know how much they love him, and they were telling me today how much fun it was with him there yesterday..."
"I guess I could. You don't think it's too late?"
"It's barely even seven yet." Zac held his cell phone out to me. "Trust me."
"Okay." I took the phone and dialed the number, silently counting the rings.
We were sitting at the park. Ezra had wanted pizza, and the pizza parlor was too crowded, so we'd gotten the pizza to go and came to the park. He had finished eating about ten minutes ago, and was now playing with one of his friends from soccer.
"Oh! Diana, hi. This is Natalie. Oh, I'm fine. How are you? Good, good. I was just wondering if you'd want to keep Ezra tonight. He's already eaten and everything, and his school is closed for...something tomorrow...Oh, you would? Okay, great. We'll be over soon. Do you need me to bring a change of clothing or...okay. Yep, bye." I hung up. "You were right."
Zac held up his hands. "What did I tell you?" He stood, gathering up the paper plates and napkins. "Do you want to keep the pizza?"
I made a face. "No, that's okay." I stood also, shielding my eyes from the sun as I looked out to where Ezra was. "Ezra! Come on, it's time to go!"
Ezra, now climbing on the jungle gym, looked over at me. Swinging down, he said something to his friend, climbed out, and ran over to me. "Do we have to go?"
"Yep. But guess what? Grandma and Grandpa want you to spend the night with him."
Ezra grinned. "All right! Hey, Uncle Zac!" He took off, running over to Zac. "Did you hear? I'm staying with Grandma and Grandpa!"
"I know! Go on, now, get in the car and I'll take you over there right now."
Ezra was worn out. He had jabbered on the way home, but in the middle of a sentence he dropped off to sleep. I was in charge of getting him from the car to the house without dropping or waking him up while Natalie unlocked the door. After I placed him gently in bed, took off his shoes, and covered him with a blanked, I joined Natalie in the living room.
"Well, I had fun," she said, not quite meeting my eyes.
"Yeah, so did I." There was a pause. "Well, I'd better go."
Natalie grabbed my arm. "No, don't."
I looked at her, surprised. Pleased, but surprised. This time she met my eyes.
"Please don't go; stay here. With me."
I suddenly found myself kissing her. Her mouth tasted like cotton candy. It was wrong, and I knew it, but I couldn't find it in myself to end the kiss.
Chapter
I wasn't sure how long we stood there, but the next thing I knew, Taylor was standing in the doorway. I broke away from Zac, almost hiding behind him.
"You son of a bitch," Taylor said in a low, cold voice. He was practically shaking.
"Now, Taylor, it's not what it looks like."
I jumped away from Zac as Taylor came flying at him. Zac stood there, shocked, as Taylor knocked him into a wall and started hitting him.
"I hate you! How could you do this to me? She's my wife!"
At Taylor's last statement, Zac seemed to snap out of it. He was trying to grab Taylor's thin, flailing arms, but wasn't having much luck.
"Daddy?"
Everything stopped. Ezra was watching the entire scene, clutching his teddy bear. Taylor backed away from Zac. The thought that I should go to my son entered my mind, but I felt frozen.
"Hey, Ezra." Taylor started to walk towards Ezra, but Ezra shook his head, eyes wide, and ran to Zac.
Zac scooped Ezra up. "Hey, what are you doing up? And why are you running from your daddy?"
"He's mean! He was hurting you!"
"No, he's not mean. We were just playing." Zac set him down carefully. "Go on, now."
Ezra walked timidly over to Taylor and held up his arms. Taylor lifted him onto his hip. "I'll help him into his pajamas, put him back in bed, and then I'll leave," he said calmly, his eyes locked on the design on Ezra's shirt.
"Taylor, this is something we have to talk about."
"Would you just let it go?" Taylor unlocked the door and stepped inside.
The TV was playing cartoons without sound in the living room, and Ezra was curled up against Kelsey on the couch. They were both fast asleep.
I lowered my voice to a whisper. "No, Taylor, that's not how it works. This is a marriage. We have a problem, we talk about it and work it out." I set my purse on the coffee table and carefully scooped up Ezra, trying not to wake him.
"Well, you can talk all you want, but it's not going to make this better!" He sighed. "I've gotta take Kelsey home...I'll be back later."
"Oh, when's later? Three in the morning? Four? When you finally stumble in drunk, don't expect me to be waiting up for you." I started towards Ezra's bedroom. "Oh, and you may as well sleep on the couch."
Zac had started to kiss my neck while unbuttoning my shirt, and I was really getting into it, when he suddenly stopped and sat up.
"Zac, are you okay?" I held my blouse shut and pushed myself up beside him.
"I feel like I'm in Hamlet or something."
I blinked, wondering how we'd gotten from making out to talking about plays. "Um, okay. Why?"
"Well, think about it. The queen marries her dead husband's brother. You know, if we get married, Ezra would have to call me Uncle Dad?"
"First off, Taylor is not dead. We're divorced, and have been for years. Secondly, who says we're going to get married? Who knows where this...this...whatever will go. And even if we do - so what?"
"So what if my brother hates me?"
"Taylor isn't going to hate you. He put himself where he is now, you know that. He has no one to blame but himself."
Taylor stared at me pleadingly. "I want to change, Nat, really, I do. But I can't do it on my own. I swear I'll go to the hospital or something tomorrow, but please - won't you stay with me tonight?"
That night was the longest of my life. Taylor was shaky and irritable. I don't know how many times he vomited, and his skin was pale, and clammy to the touch. I held him for almost the entire night, trying to comfort and soothe him. It was hard for me to see him like that -- scared, crying at times -- and I tried not to let him see that I was feeling the same way.
Zac sighed as he walked down the hall, dragging his hand along the wall. He walked as slowly as he could, not wanting to join his family at the table for dinner. There was always a fight, usually between Isaac and his father. He paused outside the doorway to the dining room, but knew he couldn't put it off much longer and walked in.
His mother gave him a stern look. "Now that we're all here..."
Taylor cleared his throat, resting his forehead against his clasped hands as Zac sat down. "Dear Lord, thank you for all of this wonderful food. Thank you for blessing us with so much when so many have so little. Please watch over us tonight, and always." He paused.
"Am-" Walker started, assuming his son was done.
"And," Taylor began again, talking over his father, "please bless all of our fans, and keep them safe from harm. And please keep us safe from harm when we're in their presence. Bless our friends, and their families. Bless our enemies. Bless-"
"Taylor," Walker warned.
"-everyone. Amen," Taylor quickly finished.
Zac fought a smile and muttered 'Amen' along with the rest of his family. He took a leg of chicken and a small helping of mashed potatoes and green beans as they were passed around the table. He loved his mom's cooking, and could out-eat anyone in his family, but he hated sitting at the dinner table. He just had to sit there long enough to be polite, and then he could just warm something up later.
"So, how was everyone's day?" Diana asked with a false cherry tone. "Jess? How were your dance lessons?"
"They were okay." Jessica mixed her green beans in with her mashed potatoes and shoved the whole concotion over her chicken. "Ms. Leena said that, if I practice just a little more, I'll be good enough to be in the recital." She looked up, her eyes sparkling. "Isn't that cool?"
Diana smiled. "Yes, sweetie, that's great. I'm really proud of you. But please don't play with your food."
Jessica giggled. "Sorry, Mom."
Diana turned to her oldest children. "Taylor? Isaac?"
"Um..." Taylor shrugged, studying his plate very carefully. "I didn't really do anything today."
Zac glanced quickly at his brother, wondering what he was hiding.
There was a short silence, and Taylor shrugged again. "That's it," he said nervously, knowing Isaac was expected to talk instead of him.
There was another silence, and Walker laid down his fork. "Isaac. Your mother would like to know how your day went."
Isaac barely glanced up.
Half rising, Zac picked up his plate. "May I be excused?"
"Yeah, me too," Taylor piped up, mimicking Zac's moves.
"Sit down," Walker commanded, not taking his eyes off his oldest son. "Isaac, answer your mother."
"Walker, it's really not that big of a deal," Diana said, but Walker cut her off.
"It is a big deal. I don't want anyone in this family to get a big head and an even bigger ego."
"I'm not conceited," Isaac finally said, looking up. Anger flashed in his brown eyes. He stood up. "I just have a will and a life of my own. Is that okay with you? Do I have to check every single thought in my head with you? You don't control me-"
Walker stood also. "I am your father, and you will NOT take that tone of voice with me-"
"I'll take any tone of voice I want-"
Zac focused on the table, biting his lip. Zoe began to cry as Isaac and Walker got louder and louder, each interrupting the other. Taylor bumped his knee against Zac's and smiled reassuringly before taking the baby from her high chair. Diana rose from her seat and tried to regain some sort of calm, but everyone at the table knew it was hopeless. The scene ended with Isaac's plate crashing against the wall and a door slamming upstairs shortly after.
"Walker." Diana laid a restraining hand on her husband's arm as he started to go after him. She gave him a pointed look. The two stared at one another for a moment before finally returning to their seats. The table was quiet except for Zoe's cries. Taylor had given up on comforting her.
Zac started towards his room, narrowing his eyes at the almost-but-not-quite closed door. He stopped just outside and peered in.
Isaac and some girl were standing in front of his bed. The girl was laughing softly at something Isaac said. As she peeled off her shirt, her hands drifting down to Isaac's jeans, Isaac looked up and spotted Zac. A slow smile spread across his lips, and he held one finger against the smile, telling Zac to keep quiet.
Zac swallowed hard and shut the door noiselessly. The scene reminded him of the time he'd woken up in the middle of the night and saw Taylor changing his sheets. It had given him a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach, especially when Taylor - just like Isaac - had noticed him, smiled, and shrugged.
"Zac. Zac, wake up."
Zac swatted lazily at whoever was shaking his shoulder. He was too tired to give the voice a name.
"Zac, please. I need you."
Zac opened one eye. Taylor. Even in the darkness, Zac could see how pale and scared his brother looked. He pushed himself up and rubbed his eyes. "What is it, Tay?"
"I did something stupid."
"Uh-huh." Zac yawned. "What else is new?"
"No, I'm serious."
Something in Taylor's voice told him something was really wrong. "Sorry - what happened?" Taylor looked down, and Zac gently took his arms. "Tay, look at me. What did you do?"
Taylor looked at him and swallowed hard, tears welling in his eyes. "I took a whole bunch of pills," he whispered.
Zac froze, feeling as if he could barely breath. Tears welled in his own eyes. "How many pills? What did you take? Why?"
"I don't know, I don't know." Taylor put a hand to his forehead, the tears spilling onto his cheeks. "I don't wanna die, Zac."
"We have to tell Mom and Dad." Zac shot out of bed, grabbing Taylor's hand, and started towards the door. "They can help you."
"Zac, no. I don't want them to know."
Zac stopped and turned to face Taylor, eyes wide. "Taylor! You could die!"
"I know. Listen, Zac, I know how to get rid of the pills, but I'm scared. Please stay with me."
Wondering just what Taylor had in mind, Zac nodded. He followed Taylor into the bathroom.
"Shut the door," Taylor commanded, kneeling in front of the toilet.
Zac looked down at the floor, unable to believe the mess of empty pill bottles he saw there.
"Shut the door, Zac. And then turn on the water in the bath tub."
Numbly, Zac obeyed, shutting the door and blasting the water. He kneeled beside Taylor. "Just what exactly are you going to do?"
"Make myself throw up."
"Where did you learn how to do that?"
Taylor ignored him and took a deep breath. He looked to Zac for strength, and Zac automatically gathered his hair into a ponytail.
Zac closed his eyes, still holding onto Taylor's hair, and told himself not to cry as he listened to Taylor gag and retch. He still wanted to run to his parents, but he couldn't do that - Taylor would hate him. He just hoped he knew what he was doing.
Finally, Taylor flushed the toilet and wrapped his arms around the seat, resting his head on top of them. "Oh, god," he moaned.
Zac reached over and wet a washcloth before shutting the water off. He held it against Taylor's flushed face.
"Zac? Tay? Ike?" a tiny voice quivered.
Zac slowly opened his eyes and propped himself up on one elbow, peering towards the door. "Avery? What are you doing out of bed?"
Avery took a tentative step forward. "I had a bad dream."
Zac scooted over and grasped his covers tightly in his hand, lifting his arm and his blankets all in one move. "Come over here."
Avery scampered over to the bed, practically hurling herself against Zac. Zac brought his arm down to circle her thin, little body, holding her close to him. She snuggled against him, shivering slightly.
All the Hanson children had always found comfort with one another instead of their parents. Zac had always wondered why that was, but knew it was true. Sometimes, he and Taylor would both sleep with Isaac, the comfort they found with their big brother something nothing else could match. Of course, as they got older, they'd each kept to their own bed, but whenever a younger sibling would come in, one of the boys always offered his bed.
"What was the dream about, Avie?" he asked gently.
"A monster was chasing us." She peered up at him in the darkness. "Everyone escaped but Ike."
Zac kissed her forehead, holding her a little tighter as he thought about what she'd said. "It's okay, Avie. Everything's okay now," he muttered, but he wondered if it really was.
"Life sucks, little brother." Isaac leaned against the wall and waited for his high to kick in. "Get used to it."
