Lost in the Shadows
I Want to Save You by Something Corporate
Standing on the edge of morning
Scent of sex and New Found Glory
Playing as she's pulling back her hair
She drives away she's feeling worthless
Used again but nothing's different
She'd stay the night but knows he doesn't care
Home by three to deafening quiet
The porch light's off guess they forgot it
She'd cry herself to sleep but she don't dare
And she wants to be a model
She wants to hear she's beautiful
She's beautiful
I want to save you
I want to save you
I need you, save me too
I want to save you
Dressed by dawn and out the door
No lights she memorized the floor
So she could leave without being detected
She works 'til three it's uniform
She dreams that he'll come by the store
She prays for the day when boys mean she's protected
And she wants someone to see her
She needs to hear she's beautiful
She's beautiful
I want to save you
I want to save you
I need you, save me too
I want to save you
And she won't sleep
She won't sleep at all
I want to save you
I want to save you
I need you, save me too
I want to save you
Let me save you
Chapter 1
"Hey! Hey, girl, get up!"
I could feel someone nudging me with their foot and I slowly lifted my head, groaning. I let my eyes flutter open. I could barely focus my eyes enough to see it was someone of the male gender.
"Get up! Come on, you gotta leave!"
"What?"
He sighed and knelt beside me. "Come on." He took my arm and helped me sit up.
I rubbed my head with my other hand, still trying to get my eyes to focus. "Where am I?"
"You're at my friend's house - Stephan Jones? He had a party last night, and you crashed on the floor. But now you gotta leave because his parents are coming home and they don't know he had a party." He paused. "Do I know you? You kinda look familiar. Oh, by the way, I'm Jake Freeman."
"Jessie Hanson." I took a deep breath, seeing him clearly for the first time. He had long, light brown hair that, at one time, would have made my brothers jealous. His eyes were a clear, cool green, and from what I could see, he had an extremely nice body. "Man, my parents are so gonna kill me."
"Here, let's get - wait, did you say Hanson?"
"Yeah. Help me up." With Jake's help, I managed to climb to my feet. "Shit, this musta been one killer party. Good luck cleaning up."
Jake looked around at the mess. Soda and beer cans littered the floor, along with plastic cups and paper plates. "Hey, I'll give you a ride home if you'll help clean up. What do you say?"
"Well, my car's just outside, but I'll help clean up anyway." I needed time to get my story straight. An hour later, we were done, and Jake's friend, Stephan was praising us for doing such a good job and helping. I smiled. "It's no problem. Now, that'll be 20 bucks."
They stared at me, smiling with relief when I laughed.
"Well, guys, I'd love to stay and chat, but I gotta get home. See you!"
"Bye, Jessie. Nice to meet you," Stephan called.
"I'll walk you out," offered Jake, loping up beside me.
"Thanks."
"So, Jessie, why did you come here?"
I shrugged. "Just to get out of the house, I guess."
"Too many people?"
"Yeah - well, it's less crowded since Tay and Ike moved out, and Zac is looking for a place, so..."
"Soon you'll be the oldest at home, right?"
"Yep." I nodded, pleased he knew I was the oldest girl. "I'm 16, Avery is 14, Mackie is 11, and Zoe is 7, so Avery is catching up, but the other two have a ways to go. What about you? Do you have any siblings?"
"Yeah, my twin brother is older than me, and he rubs it in my face all the time. And then we have a younger brother who's 15."
"You have a twin? That's way awesome. How old are you guys?"
"Twenty-one, so I was at this party legally, little missy."
I smiled, a slight blush creeping up my cheeks. "Well, this is my car. Thanks for walking me."
He touched my face lightly with his hand, and a million sensations rushed through my body. "Can I see you again?"
Against my will, I found myself nodding and writing down my number.
"Thanks. I'll call you."
"Okay, that'd be nice." I smiled again and opened my door. "Talk to you then."
He nodded, watching me.
Biting my lip, I slid in my car, buckled up, and started the car. He stepped back and I waved and drove away.
"Hey, I'm home," I called, shutting the door behind me. I waited for the angry faces of my parents to appear in the doorway or some sort of reply, but I heard and saw nothing. Moving into the kitchen, I spied a note on the counter. "'Jess - Went to the store, back soon. Love, Mom and Dad.'" I sighed. "How nice. They didn't even know I wasn't here. Oh, well, at least I won't get in trouble."
Yanking open the door to the fridge, I pulled out a Dr. Pepper and popped the tab. I took a few sips, then set it on the table. I had to remember to take it with me when I went upstairs or Zac would kill me for wasting his precious Dr. Pepper.
Hey, maybe he's home, I thought, and grabbed the ice cold can. I went slowly up the stairs, listening for sounds of human life. I could just barely hear a CD playing, so I knew someone was home. Knocking on his door, I waited for a reply and pushed open the door. "Hey, can I come in?"
"Yeah, sure."
I walked into his room, shutting the door behind me, and sat on his bed.
"Jess, you smell..." He leaned towards me slightly and sniffed the air around me. "You smell like alcohol."
I shrugged, and he shook his head.
"Whatever, just take a shower and change clothes before Mom and Dad get back."
"I will. Brr, it's cold in here. How high do you have the A/C?"
"Pretty high. Here-" he reached over to his dresser and dug through it, finally pulling out a sweatshirt, "-wear this."
"Thanks." I put it on gratefully. "So, have any plans for today?"
"No, not really. Well, practice at nine, but that shouldn't take too long. As long as Taylor shows up, that is."
I knew they'd been having problems with Taylor not showing up. He would either forget or not answer the phone. Something was going on with him, and everybody knew it, but nobody knew what it was. Or, actually it seemed more like they knew but just wouldn't say.
I nodded, and we sat in silence for a few minutes, just listening to the CD play. "Oh, do you know a Jake Freeman?"
Zac thought a moment. "Don't think so. Why?"
"Just wondering." I sat there a little longer, then stood. "Want the rest of this? I'm gonna take a shower."
"Yeah, sure." He took the can from me. "Leave your clothes outside the bathroom door and I'll throw them in the washing machine."
"Thanks, you're a lifesaver." I smiled gratefully at him and left his room.
Chapter 2
I knocked on the door. Again. Where in the hell was Taylor? We'd called him at nine and told him we were practicing - it was now 2:49.
I sighed and gave up, pulling out the key Taylor had given me, Ike, and our parents. Unlocking the door, I stepped into the dark apartment and went over to Taylor's bedroom door. "Tay? You in there?" I rapped on the door, but when no reply came, I just opened the door and walked in.
Taylor's bedroom was dark, with all the blinds closed and curtains pulled. He had the air conditioning cranked up as high as it would go, and appeared to be fast asleep under a mountain of blankets.
"Taylor!" I walked over to the lump and shook it. "Tay, wake up, you loser. You were supposed to be at practice five and a half hours ago!"
Taylor's head surfaced out from underneath the covers. "Huh?"
"Late night last night?"
"Um, no, not really." Taylor sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. "What time is it?"
"Almost three. Why didn't you come to practice?"
"I, um, I don't know."
I took a good look at at my brother. "Shit, Tay, you look like hell."
"Thanks, Zac, I love you too."
"Well, it's the truth." I crossed my arms. "Now, come on - why didn't you come to practice?"
"I fell asleep."
"Dude, what is going on with you?"
"What are you talking about?" Taylor focused on the floor, not meeting my gaze. He knew exactly what I was talking about. He put his hand against his head, his hand shaking slightly, and curled it into a fist, capturing his hair in the process. Noting the way Taylor pulled at the strands, I closed his eyes. Not this again.
I held my hands up. "You know what? I'm tired of having this conversation. I just - I don't know. You need to get your act together, and fast, otherwise - it's all going to fall apart, you know that right? Everything we've worked so hard for is going to go down the tubes. Just think about that, okay? Later." I left his bedroom, shutting the door behind me and leaning against the wall.
I took a deep breath. I did know what was going on with Taylor, or at least had a pretty good idea, and Mom and Dad did, too. We just didn't want to seem to face facts.
I opened his door once more. "Tay, look, I'm-"
"Zac, please." Taylor's face was very, very ashen, and he looked as if he was going to be sick at any moment. "Just leave. Please."
"No, I don't think that's a good idea. I'd rather just chill here for the moment. If you want to sleep, though, I can watch TV in the living room."
Taylor was very slowly peeling back the quilts. "Whatever, just...just leave here." He climbed unsteadily to his feet and started towards the bathroom. He didn't look at me, a silent end to the conversation.
I watched Taylor make his way across the room before turning and going into the living room. Throwing myself down on the couch, I buried my head in the material and let my thoughts take over.
It hurt me to see Taylor like this, it really did. It looked as if it were happening again, and that's what our biggest fear had been when he hadn't showed up to practice. And now that I could see Taylor with my own eyes, I had no doubt it was starting. Already, Taylor was looking almost painfully thin. Added to the fact that his bedroom was dark and almost freezing, he was sleeping more and more, and he looked rather sickly, it seemed impossible that anything else could be going on. The question, though, was how had we missed it?
Actually, Taylor had been acting strangely over the past three or four weeks. He had mentioned something about getting low on meds, but we had just assumed he'd gotten refills. However, after that, Taylor's moods had started bouncing all over the place. He would start out in an extremely good mood, but then something - usually something small - would happen and Taylor would just flip out. Afterwards, he would become sullen and refuse to do anything.
I pushed myself up and off the couch, then walked cautiously towards Taylor's bedroom. Inching the door open, I could barely hear the sounds of Taylor being sick. Sighing, I shut the door and wandered into the kitchen. Eyeing the counter, I spotted the familiar bottles - it was obvious they hadn't been touched for quite some time. Deciding to explore the contents inside the fridge, I noticed that most of the food was either expired or growing mold, a sign that Taylor wasn't eating well and hadn't been out to buy groceries. I closed the door and left the kitchen, not at all happy with what I had discovered. There was no hiding it now - Taylor's depression was back.
Picking up my cell phone, I made a few calls and set everything up, then turned on the TV and settled back against the couch. I wasn't sure how long I'd be here, so I figured I might as well get comfortable.
Taylor's depression had started about four years ago. He slowly stopped leaving his room, he would go without showering for as long as he could, and he stopped dressing. On top of that, he ate as little as he could get away with, and almost everything came back up anyway. He had gotten to the point where he wouldn't even get out of bed unless forced. The younger children had been pretty frightened, but we had managed to downplay how bad Taylor was. As for Mom, Dad, Ike and I - well, we were scared out of our minds, usure as to what was happening with Taylor and what might happen to him. Finally, against his will, our parents admitted him to the hospital.
There, he not only received medical treatment, but also pyschiatric. Within a week, he was moved to the psychiatric ward, where he stayed for almost a month. Slowly, he was able to keep more and more food down, and started to gain weight. He was diagnosed with depression and immediately started on medication. Soon, he was feeling better and better, and starting to act like his normal self. When Taylor was first released, Ike and I not only helped Mom and Dad monitor his medication, but also his eating and sleeping habits. We stopped after two weeks.
Taylor's depression reappeared six months later. This time, though, we recognized the pattern and took him to a doctor. They switched him to a different medication, and Taylor was back to normal in just a few weeks.
When Taylor decided to move out, he received full support from everyone. Mom and Dad both thought that Taylor was mature enough to monitor and take his meds. Plus, it wasn't like we would be cut off completely from him, so it wouldn't be hard to watch for signs of depression. But we had missed it, and now Taylor was over eighteen so he couldn't be dragged into the hospital the way he had been when he was seventeen. He would have to admit himself.
I sighed. All we could do for the time being was watch Taylor. It was rather scary, because, even though no one spoke the words, I knew it a suicide watch.
Chapter 3
"Jessie, look! Look what I drew you!" Zoe squealed, shoving a picture in my face. I took it from her hands and studied it.
"Wow, Zo! That's beautiful!" I scooped her up and kissed her cheek loudly before setting her back down on the floor. "Thank you, sweetie. Now, why don't you make one for...um...Taylor? You haven't made him a picture for a long time."
Zoe frowned. "I miss Tay. He's not here with me anymore."
"I know, baby. Here, you draw the picture, and I'll help you write 'I miss you' on it, okay?"
"Jessie! I can write that on my own! I'm a big girl."
I watched Zoe run back to her crayons and sit on the floor, intent on drawing Taylor the perfect picture. Leaning back in my chair, I shoved my hair out of my face and yawned. I hadn't gotten much sleep, and watching Zoe was the last thing I had planned on doing, but Mom and Dad had left suddenly, and no one else was here so it fell to me. I don't really mind, though - Zoe is never any trouble.
When Zoe finished her picture, I set her at the table with a small bowl of mac and cheese and a glass of milk. I watched her eat, then cleaned her up and put her down for a nap.
Finally, after washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, and wiping down the table and counters, I had some free time to myself. I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes, hoping for a nap myself. Hearing the phone ring, I rolled my eyes and grabbed it before it could wake Zoe. "Jess speaking."
"Jess? It's Jake - Jake Freeman."
I felt a nervous flutter of butterfly wings in my stomach. "Jake, hi."
"You sound surprised." Jake laughed. "Didn't think I'd call?"
"No, I, um, I...you..." I struggled helplessly for something to say. "So, how are you?"
Again, Jake laughed. "I'm fine. Hey, what are you doing around, say, seven tonight?"
"Well, that depends. Are you asking me out?" Say yes, I prayed. Say yes!
"Maybe - are you free?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I am."
"Then, yes, I'm asking you out. I'll pick you up at seven."
"Okay." I gave him directions to my house. "And, and - do me a favor. Don't come to the door, okay?"
"Um, okay." He sounded slightly puzzled. "See you tonight."
"Bye, Jake." I hung the phone up and sighed happily. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family. But, they can be a lot for a new guy to handle. Especially my brothers.
"Jeska."
I looked over at Zoe to see her standing in the doorway. I held my arms out and she toddled over to me. I lifted her onto my lap and smoothed her hair down.
"Jeska," she repeated, her voice clouded with sleep. "Who was on the phone?"
"Nobody, baby." I kissed the top of her head. "Now, what are you doing up?"
"I heard the phone ring and woke up. I yelled for you but you didn't come and I got scared."
"Well, I'm here now." I tightened my grip on my baby sister. "Wanna lay with me and sleep?"
Zoe nodded, so we stretched out on the couch. Before long, we were both asleep.
***
"Jess. Jess, wake up."
Hearing someone call my name, I struggled through the firm hold of sleep and opened my eyes. Zac was standing over me, smiling. "I'm awake."
"Here, let me take Zoe." Zac gently picked up a still sleeping Zoe and cradled her in his arms.
I sat up slowly, alternatively rubbing my eyes and the arm that I had been laying on. It had fallen asleep also. "What time is it?"
"A little after one. I came home about 12:30, but you two just looked so cute I didn't dare wake you.
"Jess-ie."
The voice was soft, singsong-y. Almost like a child's voice.
"Jess-i-ca."
The voice was full, almost as if it were more than one person. But somehow I knew it was only one person.
"J-j-j-ess."
More voices had joined it after the first, blending in on the "ess."
"Come play with us, Jessie. We're lonely."
I could see two little girls with blonde hair in pigtails. They were wearing old fashioned dresses and black boots. The sun was shining brightly on them.
"Jessie, we're lonely. So lonely."
Suddenly, they flew forward, their faces contorting, their mouth pulling back to reveal sharp teeth.
"So lonely," they growled.
I gasped and sat up. I was sweating and breathing hard, like I'd been running. I closed my eyes, trying to force the nightmare away. Putting a hand on my sweaty forehead, I took a deep breath and lay back down. It was a long time before I was able to get to sleep.
Putting the book down on the arm of the chair, I reached over and grabbed the phone. "Hello?"
"Tay, can I...do you mind if I stay over at your place tonight?"
Chapter ?
Taylor sounded surprised and slightly confused when he spoke. "Sure, of course. Is something, uh, is something wrong, Jess?"
I closed my eyes tightly, trying to force back the tears.
"Jess? Are you there? Is everything alright?" His voice had taken on an even greater note of concern.
I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm here. Everything's fine, I just miss you is all."
"I miss you, too. When are you coming over? Do you need me to pick you up?"
"Would you?"
"Of course. I'll be there around six, okay? And we eat some good old-fashioned home cooking."
"No offense, Tay, but I'd really rather eat some good old-fashioned fast food."
He laughed. "Or we can do that. I'll be by around 5:30 then, okay?"
"Yeah, that's great. Thanks, Tay. Bye."
"Bye." With a click, he was gone.
Replacing the phone slowly, I silenty thanked whoever was listening and went upstairs to throw some clothes together.
It was almost as if Taylor were trying to pull himself together for Jessica.
"Taylor. Tay, come on, open the door." Zac pounded on the door once more. "I know you're in there. Just open the door." Zac rattled the doorknob, but it remained locked. He knew his key would do him no good; Taylor had added on a series of locks to which only he had the keys.
