A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000feet. What happened then?" "Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."
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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says. "Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
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A woman walks into a drug store and asks the pharmicist, "Do you have extra large condoms?"
He replies, "Yes, do you want to buy some?"
"No, but can I wait around until somebody does?"
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19 Ways to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car wiht sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom, don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want that super-sized.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put decaf in the coffe maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.

6. In the memo fiels for all of your checks, write "For sexual favors..."

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the Prophecy."

8. Dont use punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what gender they are.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To go."

12. Sing along at the Opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't ryhme.

14. Put mosquito neting around your work area and play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, 'Rock Hard.'

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON, I WON! THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
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Men Get Even

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.

But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide.He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.

The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn't care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don't even play tennis, but if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cashier."

The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
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Point System for Romancing a Woman

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties
-------------
You make the bed..........+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..........0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..........-1

You leave the toilet seat up..........-5

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..........0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..........-1

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..........-2

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings..........+5

But return with beer..........-5

You check out a suspicious noise at night..........0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..........0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron..........+10

It's her father..........-10

Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly..........-15

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it..........+10

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..........-5

Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical..........-5

Something she can't use..........-10

Such as a motorized model airplane..........-20

And she got a small appliance for her birthday..........-40

Driving
-------
You lost the directions on a trip..........-4

You lost the directions and end up getting lost..........-10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal..........-25

You know them..........-60

The Big Question She asks, "Do I look fat..........-5

(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding..........-10

You reply, "Where?"..........-35

Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression..........0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5

You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV..........+10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..........-20

Social Engagements
-----------------
You stay by her side the entire party..........0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..........-2

Named Tiffany..........-4

Tiffany is a dancer..........-6

Tiffany has implants..........-8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly..........+1

When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump..........-5

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you..........+1

When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"..........-6

That woman is her sister..........-90

You have one drink, and that's it..........0

You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle..........-2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted..........-18

Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together..........+3

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car..........+4

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar..........-2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it..........+3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional..........0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ..........+3

Most of it chips and beer ..........-6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den..........+15

Or refinishing the floors..........+16

Or rewiring the basement..........+17

Or adding a second floor..........+18

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket..........-6

And you're tickled pink about it..........-15

You visit her parents..........0

You visit her parents and actually make conversation ..........+3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ..........-3

And the television is off..........-6

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear..........-6

And you didn't even go to college..........-10

And it's not your underwear..........-15

Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner..........0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+1

Okay, it is a sports bar..........-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..........-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..........-10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player..........+3

You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing..........+4

If you stink..........+2

If you're not half bad..........+5

You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause..........-2

You give her a gift..........0

You give her a gift and it's a small appliance..........-10

You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ..........+1

You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate..........+2

You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months..........+30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day..........-10

With her credit card..........-30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big..........-40

Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely..........-20

You forget your anniversary..........-30

You forget to pick her up at the bus station..........-45

Which is in Newark, New Jersey..........-50

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast..........-60

A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal ..........-5

And the pal is happily married ..........-4

Or frighteningly single ..........-7

And he drives a Mustang..........-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..........-15

You have a few beers..........-9

And miss curfew by an hour..........-12

You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call..........-20

You get home at 3 am..........-30

You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars..........-40

And not wearing any pants..........-50

Is that a tattoo?..........-200

Her Night Out
-------------
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work..........+5

She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late..........+10

You wait up..........+15

She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed..........+20

A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together..........0

You rent a movie..........+2

You rent a movie and it's Sense & Sensibility..........+3

It's Sense & Sensibility and you stay awake throughout..........+5

It's Sense & Sensibility and you fall asleep..........-1

It's Sense & Sensibility and you fall asleep and drool..........-2

A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie..........+2

You take her to a movie she likes..........+4

You take her to a movie you hate ..........+6

You take her to a movie you like..........-2

It's called DeathCop 3..........-3

Which features cyborgs having sex..........-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..........-15

Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..........0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it..........+20

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..........+30

And she contracts Lyme disease..........-25
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Myth: Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.

Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW. Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!
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Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
A Bottle of Dom and a Limo home: $125.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain: Priceless
For everything else.... There's MasterCard
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BACKWOODS HIGH TECH

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

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A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface, the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
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YOU MAY BE A REDNECK IF...

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.
You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.
You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.
You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.
You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
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Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at this point in their lives. The 80 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would be a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again." The 85 year old said, "The best thing could happen to me would be a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on, and it's still a problem." The 90 year old man said, "Heck, every morning at 6:00 a.m. sharp I have a good pee, and at 6:30 a.m. sharp I have a good bowel movement. I suppose the best thing that could happen to me would be waking up before 7:00 a.m."
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An eighty year old man went to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine shape, but the old geezer asked to have a sperm count done. "I don't think that's necessary," said the doctor. But, the old geezer insisted, so the doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up, and then to bring it back the next day. The next day the old geezer returned with an empty bottle. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I tried with my right hand, and I tried with my left hand... my wife tried with her right hand, and she tried with her left hand... she tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out..." explained the old geezer. "And?" pried the curious doctor. "Well, we never could get the damn lid off the bottle!"
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A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. he doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor re-examined them and, upon completion he advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. So, we do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.
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An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
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A Scottish old timer is in a bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..." Then, the old man gestures at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then, the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, making certain that no one is paying attention. "But ya f*ck one goat..."
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A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?" The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you." The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, "One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite... And, I said to myself, 'I've caught a whale!'" "No kidding?" pried the boy. The geezer continued, "But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she'd grant me one wish if I let her free..." "And?" interjected the boy. "Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, 'How 'bout a little head?'"
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Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
A: She can't touch it 'til she's fourteen.

Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
A: The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

Q: What's the most popular pick-up line in Alabama?
A: "Nice tooth!"

Q: How do you know when you're staying in an Alabama hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A: There's tobacco stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

Q: What is a Redneck's defense in court?
A: "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

Q: Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Alabama to 32?
A: It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
A: Two. One to eat, and one to watch for traffic.

Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
A: Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years.
In an effort to determine the circumstances during the last 15 seconds before a fatal accidents, "black boxes" were installed in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks.
The auto makers were surprised to find that in 49 of the 50 states, the last words spoken of 61.2 percent of the drivers in fatal crashes were, "Oh, sh*t!"
Only the state of Georgia was different, where the last words spoken of 89.3 percent of the drivers in fatal crashes were, "Hold my beer and watch this!"
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Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

IN GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
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RODEO

Two rednecks are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first redneck says, "My favorite position is the 'rodeo' position." "What is the 'rodeo' position, and how do you do that?" asks the second redneck. The first redneck explains, "Well, first you tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours, and then you do it doggy- style. Once things start to get underway, and she's really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too...' Then, try to hang on for 8 seconds."
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A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a big posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home." Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."