Conspiracy's

Terribly sorry for the lack of updates. Its updated now. So read.

• CHEVY AVALANCHES. If you don't know already, Chevy Avalanches are the huge stupid trucks with the huge suburban-sized cab and the mini beds that are only big enough to fit maybe two garbage cans. This is the basis of my theory that the owners of these things would have gotten a suburban, but are too prissy to have their garbage in the same airspace as them. Thus the only use for them is to take your garbage to the dump. Now I am a disliker of extra cabs in general, but this ones out of control. People need to actually make the decision beteween a truck and a car. So join my fight against Chevy avalanches!!
• FROZEN DRINKS. I don't know about you, but personaly, frozen drinks are plotting against me. I swear. They won't let me drink the bottom third. It refuses to come up through the straw. No matter how much I stir or how much it melts, I still can't drink it. I think they are plotting to make me waste my money and make me go even more broke than I already am by ripping me off. But thats just me.
• EYE DOCTORS. Well, not so much eye doctors as those pupil dialating/brainwashing drop thingies that they put in your eyes. When I went in to change my contact prescription, not only did he keep my glasses for 3 days longer than he said he would, switched my contact brand to some crappy ass kind that ripped, and didn't even get the prescription right the first time. After I had compeletly finished the appointment, he gives me those stupid blinding eyedrops so I have to wear those idiotic sunglass things around the grocery store. What was the point of even giving them to me? Thus I come to the conclusion that they are trying to brainwash people.
• OnStar. Its a government plot. They're trying to find an excuse to track down the organ donors so they can follow them and the kill them so they can sell their organs on the black market. Its true, I know these guys. And they are also making life oh so much easier for the assorted stalker. All they have to do is hack into the government files then follow your car around every turn... They're watching you..... That and I just don't like the thought of being tracked at all times. Its just creepy.
• PANTS. Yes, pants. It seems the only kind they sell nowadays are stretch, flare, glitter, low rise, button fly, low beltloop, faded, bleach wash, oil wash, pre-ripped, pre-stained, inside-out seam, with the back pockets ripped off comeletly and the front pockets fake, because no one in their right mind uses their pockets anyhow. I'm talkin JEANS people. I want plain ol' JEANS. Not with all the above mentioned frilly crap. And whats with the sweatpants with stuff written across the butt? Like
• THE STATUES AT SOUTHPOINT. Most of you know what I'm talking about, but for those of you who don't, *cough*northerners*cough*, they're these evil copper statues of kids playing. They're evil. They look satanic. They look like they're about to attack. Every one I've talked to has agreed with this point.
• SQUIRRELS. Just look at them.....they cover it up so well......they look so......innocent.......but I know the truth. They are planning world domination. So be warned.
• CHEERIO'S. Yes, even though they help reduce the risk of heart disease, they are out there to hurt the poor cows. I mean, you pour them in your bowl, then go to pour the milk, and they all stay at the top of the milk and float no matter how much milk you pour in! They're trying to make you waste milk. Its true.
• FASHION MAGAZINES. I was looking at my friends Seventeen magazine when I stumbled upon an article about exactly how to get that 'Just rolled out of bed' look. Apparently, you roll out of bed, take a shower and wash your hair with a special shampoo, brush and blow dry some products into it to straighten it, rub some more products in to style it, then, once you are convinced that you look like you just rolled out of bed, spray some stuff into it to make it stay. Along with this article, there were the following syles: the 'Just came in from the cold' look, the 'Messy bob', the 'I'm trying to cover up that i got my head stuck in a lawnmower' look, and the 'I got trapped in a wind tunnel after gelling my hair.'
• PSAT'S. Well, actually EOG's too. Its all those damn bubbles!!!!! They drive any perfectly sane person insave destroying their perfect record of staying sane in the world of the insane.
• VIDEO GAME SOUNDTRACKS. They're annoying enough when your playing the game, but I have aquired (don't ask how, I'm really not quite sure myself) a CD case full of random CD's, including two video game soundtracks, Zelda and MegaMan. What possesed Man to create such a thing? On CD? I have no problem with the video games themselves, I happen to be a fan of Zelda, but to actually BUY the soundtrack, insanity. Pure insanity.
• LUANNE BOARD. Alright, in Tech Theatre, we have to build this big roof thingie to go in the back of the set of Diary of Anne Frank and we have to cover it with Luanne Board which is this flimsy-ass stuff that is vicious and blood thirsty. We were working with circular saws, jig-saws, hand saws, measuring tapes, and other various sharp stuff that would have been a respectible way to get wounded. But NOOOOooooo, it was the WOOD that had to cut me. Seriously, I have a huge gaping wound on my finger. I'm not kidding. If you don't believe me, ask Doug.
• WAR. Why do we kill people who kill people just to show that killing people is wrong?
• TUESDAYS. Monday is the start of a new week. teachers cut you some slack b/c of it. By Tuesday that is gone, and you still have the majority of the week in front of you. Wednesday, its the middle of the week, and from then on, its a downward slide. Thursday, your almost done with the week, only one more day to go. Friday, is the last day of the week.
• MIKE & IKES. I got a box of Mike & Ikes for Halloween. Just when I was about to eat them, I noticed that there were 2 red, 2 yellow, and 2 pink ones drawn on the box. BUT ONLY ONE GREEN. Now is it just me, or are they trying to disclude the green?
• THE PLANT IN THE BATHROOM. There's this plant sitting on a windowsill in my bathroom, and EVERY time I glance in there, I immediatly think its a person. It doesn't look anything like a person, its too short to be a person, and its been there for months so I don't know why I think its a person, but I do. Its quite scary.
• NEW ORLEANS. First of all, the street we walked on was likely the most touristy place I've been, except for maybe Disney Land, ALL the shops that lined the streets had the EXACT same merchandise (which was a fine selection of mardi gras beads decorated naked ladies with blinking boobs and pot leaves. They also had tacky and fake vodoo dolls that had a tag saying 'hand made in New Orleans!' with a nice little sticker on the bottom that said 'made in china' and tourist t-shirts.)
• AMERCANS. Ok, I realize that I am speaking from the point of view of an American myself, however, the 'Americans' I will be reffering too are the generalized 'typical' (Cary [or something of the like] residing, SUV owning, pre-packaged food eating American.) Now the rant. One example is the ice storm. You'd think that for once you wouldn't have so much noise, light polution, etc., but NOOoooo, they just got out their generators and continued life as normal. So, for us peacful country folk who are trying to enjoy the peace and quiet for once, walk outside, and WHAM! the lovely hum of genorators. Also TV's. When I was trying to figure out how to find out if we had school, somebody said, 'Just watch WRAL.' I replied simply: 'I don't have a TV.' their response: 'What?? What do you do? arn't you bored all the time?' Uhhh, people, THERE IS MORE TO THE WORLD THAN TV!!!! Your 'typical' American does not seem to realize this. Its very annoying. And then there's their new found patriocy (is that a word?). After 9/11, if you don't have an American flag sticking out of your ass, you're reported to the police on account of suspision of terrorism. Now, bein patriotic is all fine and dandy, but thats a little extreme. I could go on, but I'll spare you. I may do a continuation rant later. Stay tuned.
• CHRISTMAS. Yes, the beloved holiday, compelete with Santa. First of all, decorations and advertising is out before halloween, wich is just stupid. its almost 2 months away! there is no need to get all hyped up about it! Also, the x-mas songs haunt the radio, and they're annoying as hell. Another thing, everyone just assumes you celebrate it. What especially bugs me is the schools. They play x-mas music and have little x-mas celebrations. what about the atheists? what about the buddhists? what about the muslims? oh, wait, they're terrorists, so they don’t matter. (note the sarcasm)
• THE TWO TOWERS. I am well aware of its obvious major ass-kickageness, BUT ITS NOT FINISHED!! THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR! THEY CAN'T JUST STOP!! Pippin and Merry are stranded on a tree for christ's sake!! in the middle of a lake! you can't just leave them there! and you don't even get to find out who 'she' is! (i know that i could just read the book to find out, but frankly, i'm too lazy and by the time i finished the first book, the entire series will be out.)
• 'SLEEP LIKE A BABY.' Yes, this one was taken from Get Fuzzy. Since I can't remember the exact quote, I'm going to paraphrase it and pretend its what they said. ROB: somethinsomethin before somethinsomethin... sleep like a baby. BUCKY: what, you mean ugly, crying and waking up every 2 hours? I must compliment darby conley on this point. well made. *clap clap*
• ZEBRA CAKES. Ah yes, the glory of my existence. However, I like the plain ol' normal ones. Not the stupid lil' x-mas trees (they give you one x-mas tree whereas usually, they give you 2 normal ones.), and not dumbass lil' valentines hearts. They taste pink. Not to mention that they are pink.
• MY BACKPACK My back pack is evil. There's a passway to hell in it. not really. But, it is plotting against me. Every time I zip it up to go between classes, it comes undone. The weight in it pulls the zipper apart and everything falls out. Besides the fact that its floppy and doesn't hold its shape when your trying to find something in it on the floor.
• TOURISTS. They're annoying. They're like, 'oooh, look! It's a real rural town! It's got cows and everything! And antique shops! Lets take pictures of them! Now everybody, pose in front of the cows and smile big!' And they just stand there in their big shorts and hats with their little camra's. Do they not understand that people actually live there?? If its tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

• GEORGE BUSH. Wow, this is a biggie. I don't even know where to start. For one, Bush senior said, (and I quote) 'No, I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered as patriots. This is one nation under God.' (George W. Bush said he fully supported this statement.) which just pisses me off. Doesn't America pride itself on freedom of religion? Then the whole war thing, he's declaring war for a suspected threat? Its just like saying, 'Oh that man over there is looking at me funny. I better kill him and his entire family before he kills me.' And with this whole sealing up your home thing, he's just trying to scare us into agreeing with this war. He's trying to make us believe that Saddam is a threat so he doesn't have so much resistance. And besides that, war is expensive. We're already in too much debt than we can handle, and he's given this huge tax cut to the rich cutting off much of the money the government needs to pay off that debt. And besides aaallll that, he's just dumb. He's the stupidest person ever to be elected as president. Sure Clinton had a few women, so do lots of people. But that isn't nearly as shameful as just being a total dumbass jerk. He says 'terr'. And 'Amerka'.
• POSTAGE STAMPS. They're confusing. And they're patriotic. I don't like patriotic things. And if you accidentaly rip them or something, its a total waste of money. bleh.
• POLLY-O STRING CHEESE. the jokes are really bad. Ex: Why did the owl say 'tweet tweet'? .....'Cuz he didn't give a hoot!! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....no. and there's only about 5 of them. if your going to give us bad jokes, at least save us from repetition!!
• COLORS. Namely, color combinations. For example, if I'm re-dying my hair and want to do it more than one color, i'm severely limited. I can't do it red and green, becuase that would be x-mas-y. I can't do it red and blue, cuz that would be patriotic. I can't do it black and orange, cuz that'd be halloween-y. and the list goes on. same with dressing yourself. There's no room for 'creative impulses'. grr. I like red and blue, why does it have to be ruined???????
• RENTAL BEACH HOUSES. Its the decor. You're at the beach, right? That means you look out the window and see a beautiful beach scape, compelete with the rolling tide and seashells. Then you turn around, and see a tacky picture of the beach, a lamp filled with seashells, stenciled wave borders, and wicker furniture. If I wanted to see the beach, I'd turn around and see a pretty one, not those dumbass paintings!! Its the same with EVERY beach house!
• WRESTLING. This one is even worse than football. Football is a bunch of guys in tight pants running around tackling other guys in tight pants. And it is considered tough and manly. Now take wrestling. 2 guys in NO pants doing nothing but tackling eachother, only more so. This often includes sitting on your opponent, or shoving their face in your crotch. This too is considered to be manly and tough, and not in the slightest sense gay.
• GROCERY STORES. Do people not understand how to work paper bags anymore?? They ask you, 'Paper or plastic?', but, in actuality, they don't care what your answer is, cuz they're gonna give you plastic. They may use some paper bags, but don't let that fool you. They put about 4 things in each paper bag, filling it about halfway, and put random things in platic bags, like a bag of potatoes. Because, for some reason, that bag of potatoes cannot survive in a paper bag, it must have its own plastic bag. And even when you do ask for plastic, you get one thing in every bag. Oooooh no, its a good thing they put that tomato in its own bag, cuz I dunno if i woulda been able to carry it otherwise!
• HUMANS. We are a very inefficient species. We cannot survive on our own. We must keep ourselves in a contained environment with so much control, that nature is viewed as wild, unpredictable, and unsafe. Furthermore, we feel the need to cover ourselves at all times and have no natural covering to keep us warm, we must rely on things stolen from other creatures or plants. We also have very sensitive feet. Many people cannot walk barefoot across a rock. This is very pathetic. We're supposed to be able to do stuff like that.
• DIGITAL CAMERA'S. Me being me (hoping to be a photographer) has decided that digital camera's suck. They take away from the whole picture taking experience. You take the picture, it appears on the little screen, you look at it a week later, decide you don't like it, and delete it. And thus, you are left with nothing. With the now old fashion camera's (the kind with film), you take a bunch of pictures and drop/send them off and you have to wait a seemingly excruciatingly long time before you get them and are overcome with the excitement of the memories, no matter how recent, contained in that role. And if you don't like them, sucks for you, you have them forever anyway, and you'll never forget. Photography will die out because of them. *PLEASE NOTE: digital camera's are still fun.*
• ENGLISH. According to the pronunciations of other english words, 'ghoti' can be pronounced 'fish'. 'Gh' as in 'cough', 'o' as in something I can't think of right now (but I assure you, it can!), and 'ti' as in 'locomotion'. Huked on foniks wurked for mi!
• MEXICAN RESTURANTS THESE DAYS. Now don't get me wrong, I love Mexican food. But for the past year and a half maybe, when I've been to a Mexican resturant, I have been severely disappointed. They do one of two things: either give me the wrong drink, or SERVE AMERICAN CHEESE. This is just wrong. American cheese is simply disgusting, besides which, its AMERICAN. Not Mexican. I want quality cheese, thats all I ask!! Aren't Mexican resturants supposed to be authentic?
• THE SIMS.They stare at their microwaves. No wonder they're so weird. They all have brain cancer. They're bad influences. All our children are going to grow up with brain cancer because they learned to stare at the microwave from playing the Sims.