The Final Fantasy VII Art Competition 2001!
by Emerald Embers
Louise_cmi_vc@hotmail.com
Rated pg-12 for single entendres and bad language. Any ridicule of english custom is perfectly acceptable 'cause I'm english myself.
I don't own anyone except the judge, sadly. I am also making no money, sadly.
Don't flame just because of the yaoi jokes! I have flu so if this doesn't make sense, it's 'cause I'm mildly delirious.
[a judge walks on in front of the camera and announces]
Judge; It's...
THE FINAL FANTASY VII ART COMPETITION 2001
[cue Monty Python music]
Judge; Today, we have some absolutely SPLENDID pieces of art from artists old and new! But mostly new, as most of the oldies have died in battle! Onto the show! Do you think I'm using too many exlamation marks! Good! Then I'll stop!
Vincent; Phew. My job as punctuation man was almost over.
Cid; Hey, other people around, don't talk unless asked.
Vincent; ...
Cid; That's better.
[Judge walks across to the first artist]
Judge; You're a bit small aren't you?
Red XIII; When will you humans learn that size doesn't matter.
Vincent; *prepares to speak*
Cid; Don't even think about it.
Vincent; ...
Judge; Hold on... you're a lion. And you talk.
Red XIII; BEAST, if you don't mind. Read your manual more thoroughly. And of course I talk! Why does everyone presume that because I am not human I cannot speak?
Judge; Er... it's not that you speak, really, it's that you speak with an english accent.
Red XIII; Shh! If Squaresoft begin to realise that people have noticed everyone on every planet they design speaks english despite there being no england then they might stop making games!
Judge; ??? Anyway, onto your painting. Wow, very impressive... what have you titled it?
Red XIII; My tail.
Judge; Oh. Nice painting.
Red XIII; Thank you.
[Judge turns to camera]
Judge; That is the first painting I have ever seen by a monster...
Red XIII; BEAST.
Judge; From a non-human organism, unless you count the picture Sephiroth gave us last year claiming his mother had done it... but that was just sick. Now, onto entries from normal people. Miss Kisarg.. Kizar... Ki... Yuffie, what have you got for us.
Yuffie; I totally painted Aeris dying!
Judge; It's red and pink.
Yuffie; Yeah, like, totally, or something? I mean, I like red, cause blood is so, like, cool, and I did pink, cause, like, Aeris wore it, or something?
Judge; Right. *mutters* Can painters get any worse?
Yuffie; You just, like, totally insulted me! I'm gonna, like, steal your materia, or something?
Judge; I have no materia.
Yuffie; Like, damn, or something? I'm off now, totally.
Judge; Right... onto Cloud Strife's entry. *whispers* At least he won't be worse than Yuffie.
[camera follows Judge to Cloud]
Judge; I stand corrected. And Cloud has made a very art nouveau piece of work using... matchsticks?
Cloud; No, that's the paint. I call this 'man in the black cape.'
Judge; Isn't a stick-man a little... immature?
Cloud; *talks to self* I told you, I told you you should have added more white to the paint for his hair, but would you listen? Noooooo...
Judge; Er... Cloud?
Cloud; *still talking to self* geeze, are you some kind of %^&%^$& nerd? The picture's rubbish! I mean, I try to help you... *starts clutching head*
Judge; Cloud?
Tifa; Don't worry! This sometimes happens, can you turn the cameras away for a moment?
[cameras turn away]
Tifa; Oh Cloud... take a look at these! *flashes Cloud* There, that'll do. You can turn them back now.
[cameras turn back]
[Cloud grins like an idiot]
Judge; Onto our next entry from Vincent Valentine.
[walks over to Vincent who is holding a big brush and a bucket of black gloss paint]
Judge; Er... what's this?
Vincent; It's my painting.
Judge; It's a black canvas.
Vincent; Yes. I like to call it the darkness of the all-encompassing misery that is my existence.
Judge; Right... moving swiftly on, Cid Highwind, what have you painted?
[Cid shows the picture to the judge]
Judge; Woah!
Cid; It's Vincent.
Judge; With no clothes on.
Tifa; Lemme see! Lemme see... WOAH, is this an actual size thing?
[Vincent runs over to the picture and covers it up]
Vincent; Ciiiiiiiiiiiid, you promised you wouldn't!
Cid; I can't help that the best thing I've ever painted is you with no clothes on!
Judge; How did you get Vincent to pose?
[Vincent and Cid begin to look very sheepish]
Judge; Actually, forget I asked. Moving swiftly on... the Shinra section!
[backstage]
Reno; I bet you 500 gil he has!
Rude; I bet you 500 gil he hasn't!
Reno; Deal.
[onstage]
Judge; Let's see... in the shinra section, we only have one entry, from president Rufus Shinra!
Rufus; Thank you, thank you... and here is my painting.
Judge; And what a splendid painting this is, a wonderful... er...
Rufus; *glares* Self-portrait.
Judge; Yes, a WONDERFUL self-portrait of our beloved president! Surely deserving of first prize.
Cid; &*#@%#@ fix!
Judge; Second prize goes to Cid Highwind for his... er... painstakingly detailed painting, and third prize to Red XIII for his beautifully textured painting, 'my tail'. Booby prize, of course, goes to Cloud Strife for 'man in the black coat'.
Cloud; What's the booby prize?
Judge; A night on the tiles at the Gold Saucer with Miss Cleavage-of-the-year herself, Tifa Lockheart!
Cloud; ALRIGHT!!!
[backstage]
Reno; Told you so. He always does self-portraits.
Rude; Oh, alright. *hands over the 500 gil*
[ping - Reno gains 500 gil!]
Reno; That ping is really starting to get on my nerves.
[onstage, the cameramen have gone]
Cloud; So, Tifa, how's about that date?
Tifa; Oh Cloud, I thought you'd never ask! I love you Cloud Strife!
[Tifa hugs Cloud to her chest]
Cloud; *muffled* I definitely love you... and you...
[they run off happily together]
Cid; Er... Vincent...
Vincent; Yes?
Cid; Sorry about the painting.
Vincent; S'alright. *looks around* The others have left, you know.
Cid; Yup.
[Vincent drops to the floor and drags Cid on top of him, not realising that the cameras - while abandoned - are still running]
[back at AVALANCHE headquarters]
Barrett; Marlene, I've brought you your hot cocoa... WOAH ^£&%^&$ @#£&!!!
[rushes over to Marlene and covers her eyes while searching for the remote]
Marlene; What is Cid doing to Vincent, daddy?
Barrett; *still searching for remote* Nothing, honey.
Marlene; But Vincent's making funny noises like you and mommy used to make.
Barrett; It's nothing, they're just... er... arguing. They're arguing.
Marlene; Oh. You and mommy used to argue a lot.
Barrett; *shocked, still looking for remote* Er... yes, mommy and daddy used to argue a lot. Ah! Found it!
[channel switches to playboy]
Barrett; Oh well, at least it's normal.
Marlene; You know when you let me go on Highwind, daddy?
Barrett; Yeah sugar?
Marlene; Well, I peeped through the window of Cloud's room, and he did that to Tifa.
Barrett; £$%" it, T.V.'s bad for your eyes. Come play the playstation with daddy.
Marlene; Yay! Prepare to be thrashed, daddy!
[back at the studio]
Vincent; *over passionate sounds* Cid...
Cid; What?
Vincent; Cid, look behind you...
[Cid turns to see a large lynch mob of angry parents and Clause 28 supporters]
Cid; "%$£.
[Vincent pulls up pants and blushes. Cid also pulls up pants but smokes a cigar instead of apologising]
Angry Mob; You corrupted our children! What do you have to say for yourselves?
Vincent; ...
Cid; Sit your asses down while I get Shera to make you all some tea. SHERA?!
Shera; Yes?
Cid; Make the guests some tea.
Shera; Okay.
[Shera disappears off]
Angry Mob; We didn't come here for...
Cid; *turns red* I SAID SIT DOWN AND DRINK YOUR GODDAMN TEA!!!
[Red XIII walks in]
Red XIII; *hopefully* Did someone mention tea?
Angry Mob; I suppose we could have a cup or two before we rip out your intestines...
Cid; That's more "£$#$"@ like it. Now, did you have anything else to say?
Angry Mob; Er... you do know you just had sex on national TV, don't you?
[the cigar falls and begins to burn a hole in Cid's shoe]
Vincent; ..!
Angry Mob; Don't you?
Cid; Of course we £"@#&£$ didn't know! My god, you bunch of ^$%&£%$ perverts! Why didn't you just change the %$@%^$# channel?!
Angry Mob; Oh. We didn't think of that.
Cid; Ah, here comes Shera. Now drink your tea and get your asses out of here!
Angry Mob; Okay.
Red XIII; Three sugars and a slice of lemon please Shera.
Cid; Don't you dare give him more than two. You know what he did to the carpet last time he got hyper.
[everone proceeds to have a nice civilised and very english afternoon tea before the Angry Mob begins to leave]
Angry Mob; Did we forget to do something? *long silence* Curse our fish-like memories! Curse them I say! Actually... cursing... *gasps* Cid just swore on national T.V.! What will our kids think?
[back at the homes of the Angry Mob]
0-4 year old kids; Goo-goo?
5-10 year old kids; Hee-hee-hee! That man swore!
11+ year old kids; Quit talking and get bonking again!
[back at the studio (I hate scene-switching)]
Angry Mob; KILL THEM!
Cid; %££%.
Vincent; ...
[Vincent and Cid flee with the help of Vincent's magical cape with the power of flight. Yay]
Vincent; Cid...
Cid; Yes?
Vincent; The feeling of the air on my skin is making me feel all tingly and weak-kneed...
Cid; Where's the nearest tree?
Vincent; *curiously alert and accurate* THERE.
[they float down into the branches of the tree and... well, I'm sure you can guess. This is a strictly pg-12 story]
[Cid suddenly has a revelation]
Cid; "$"£! Look at my shoe!
Vincent; Nnh, nnh, ...wha?
Cid; I've burnt a "%£@%"£ hole in my £^$&£&£ shoe!
Vincent; Oh. *reaches into his tangled mass of hair* Here's your spares.
Cid; What do you keep in that hair of yours?
Vincent; Anything that could turn out useful. *reaches into tangled mass of hair again* Like this!
Cid; *reads label* 'Tobacco flavour vaseline.' I love you, you know.
Vincent; *lies back* prove it.
[sorry about the interlude, but we'd lost a connection. Anyway, now that's been sorted, we return to the studios!]
Red XIII; So, what exactly is it that you do?
Angry Mob; The odd random lynch, y'know, that sort of thing.
Red XIII; Fascinating. More tea?
Angry Mob; Yes please.
Red XIII; Lovely weather we're having, isn't it? Not often you get pleasant sunshine back where I'm from.
Angry Mob; Oh, I know. Where did goth-boy and the pilot go, by the way?
Red XIII; Probably somewhere they could screw in private.
Angry Mob; ...
Red XIII; More tea?
Angry Mob; Yes please.
[Rufus walks onstage followed by most of the turks. On seeing the tea party, Rude and Elena decide to leave Rufus' side. On seeing the angry mob, Reno leaves to do some stirring]
Rufus; Oh well, at least YOU'RE loyal, aren't you Tseng?
Tseng; Yes.
[Rufus walks out the studios and through the forest with Tseng]
Tseng; Er... sir, I suggest we start going back soon, it's a little bit late, and I am not very fond of darkness.
Rufus; Oh don't be such a wimp, nothing of interest ever happens in this *thud*
Tseng; Wha..?
[Tseng picks up the object that just knocked Rufus to the floor]
Tseng; 'Tobacco flavour vaseline'. Where could that have come from?
[Cid climbs down tree, takes the little jar, and climbs back up the tree]
Tseng; Aargh! Naked Cid! Naked Cid! I cannot see! Rufus, quick, take off your clothes or my eyesight is doomed!
Rufus; You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this.
[Rufus strips and takes full advantage of Tseng's disorientation]
Rufus; Woo-hoooooo!!!
[er... let's get a quick summary of this. Tseng and Rufus are bonking. Red XIII and the Angry Mob are having a nice afternoon/evening tea. Vincent and Cid are bonking. Tifa and Cloud are probably bonking by now. Aeris is dead. Barrett and Marlene are busy playing on a playstation. That leaves... um...]
Sephiroth; Hello gorgeous.
Emerald Embers; Thank god when they're cooperative the subtitles always leave the best till last. *reaches back into tangled mass of curls* Oh Sephy, I have black-materia flavour syrup...
Sephiroth; I love you.
THE END! Please review.
{sorry folks, I know that I completely nicked the idea of Vincent's flying-power cape from Wannon-chan and Smeegee-chan, but I think they're $£"$@"£ WONDERFUL writers so it's not an offensive thing I hope and I want them to know I'm really really really sorry. Really sorry. And if time let me I'd write many more sorrys}