CRASH FILM REVIEWS - BATTLEFIELD EARTH
Darwin: Hello there… and welcome to
Crash Film Reviews
Crash: Today we review the new sci-fi flick 'Battlefield Earth', starring John Travolta as an evil alien dictator and 'Barry Pepper' as a human slave to an alien race which overtakes the world!
Darwin: So we got thinking to ourselves after watching this movie... what would happen if Oxide took over the planet!?
Coco: So we, using one of our high-performance-ish shuttles, went up into space to go to the planet Gasmoxia.
Danni: Indeed, what would happen if Nitrous Oxide took over!
Darwin: Of course... Battlefield Earth is of course about aliens battling humans!
Coco: Same old lame sci-fi plot, big huge special effects mess and a really clunky storyline!
Danni: And that's just the appetizer of 'Battlefield Earth' – I mean… John Travolta... as an alien!?
Darwin: And quite frankly, why couldn't they use special effects for aliens instead of actors!? Those friggin’ aliens resemble too much of 'Klingons'... and THOSE were better actors!
Crash: Yep!! By the way guys, we're nearing Gasmoxia! Hang on!!
Coco: Crash, how can you worry about Oxide taking over after watching this movie? The movie was so incredibly corny that I almost laughed when the alien 'Phyclis', does a lot of mistakes in the movie, like give the hero armour that is incredibly strong!!
Crash: I know, but we don't want our planet to be taking over by a stupid and cruel race either!
Coco: It already has Crash - they're called Republicans!
Danni: We're entering the atmosphere mates!! Fasten your seatbelts as we land on Gasmoxia!
As the ship lands the gang head out into the open! Gasmoxia... is a huge speedway!!
Crash: The entire planet's a huge highway!
Darwin: Like Coruscant from 'Star Wars'... from the NASCAR point of view!!
Danni: We find Oxide and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid like the alien did in the movie!
Coco: The only person who did do something stupid was the director, for making this sci-fi stinker!!
Crash: Gee Coco, you really didn't like it did you!?
Coco: Well lemme put it this way Crash! I could have been an art critic at a museum! BUT NOOOOOOOO… you bribed me into reviewing really stupid movies!!
Crash: Aw c'mon sis... not all the movies we reviewed were bad!!
Coco: But this one we just watched was! Oh for cryin’ out loud, I wanted to walk right out of the theatre but my stupid contract wouldn't let me!!
Darwin: Hey... check it out!!
Nitrous Oxide hovers over the gang in his space car!
Oxide: Oh not you again!! Leave me be!!! Don't go rubbing yourselves into my face again!!
Crash: We're here to stop you from taking over the world!!
Oxide: Why so soon? It'd take me a lifetime!
Crash: After watching the movie 'Battlefield Earth' we decided that you may end up doing the same thing!!
Oxide: After that movie!?!?! GAH!!!! That movie sucked!!! It's an insult to the alien race!! The aliens were so incredibly stupid! And the human slaves leader was too!
Coco: You mean Barry Pepper?
Oxide: I don't care what his name is... cause no one's heard of him!!!
Coco: Exactly!!
Crash: Well either way... we are going to race Oxide!!!
Oxide: Another race huh? Well... okay! But don’t think that when I overtake the planet that I'm going to be like those stupid aliens in the movie 'BattleField Earth'!
Coco: You better not... cause it's be a bigger insult to you than when you lost in CTR!
Oxide: For slime’s sake… if this little sneaker-wearing freak wants to race, let him race me, and this time I will win!
Crash: This will be 'Battlefield Gasmoxia'!!!
Oxide: Oh please… don't use stupid movie titles to insult me!!
On the runway, Crash is in his blue kart and Oxide is in his hover car!!
Oxide: Get ready to race, cause it's the whole planet you're driving around in!!!
Crash: The whole planet!?!?
Oxide: Yeah! One lap only... of 123,000,000 square miles of planet to
race on!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Crash: I don't care!! I'm gonna race!! We can't let you overtake Earth like in 'Battlefield Earth'!
Oxide: Stop comparing this race to that stupid flick!!!!!!
Crash: I'm ready to go!!!
The light turns green... and Crash and Oxide drive off!!
Coco: *Sigh* It's because of that stupid movie that we have to wait
for Crash and Oxide to race the entire planet!!
Darwin: Must be the Indy 1’000’000’000!!
Danni: Blimey!! Good thing I brought plenty of tang and freeze-dried ice cream on the ship!
Coco: Ick!! All in all... 'BattleField Earth' was an awful flick!!! The most terrible piece of sci-fi rubbish I've ever seen! It doesn't even deserve the rating I'm about to give it… which is....
A 1 Wumpa Fruit flick: O
Coco: Ugh… and we have to wait for Crash too~
Hours pass... then finally... after about ten days of endless waiting… Crash finally comes in the lead!!! He wins!!
Danni: *Yawn* Crash won!
Darwin: *In low voice* Yeah!!!
Oxide: You beat me on my own planet… only because the bandicoot drove me crazy reviewing the stupid 'BattleField Earth' movie to me while we were driving!!!
Crash: Yeah... my feet are really sore!! Help me up~~
Oxide: You got lucky this time... but next time you try and review a movie with me I'll be ready... with EARPLUGS!!!!!!
Crash and the gang blast off Gasmoxia.
Coco: Crash, don't you ever drag me to see another horrible sci-fi movie again!!! Don't you ay anything about it!! I hated it. End of story!!!
Crash: Huh? Oh yeah!! The overall score!!
Danni: No Crash we...
Crash: Overall… the movie 'Battlefield Earth' was a bad flick but not that bad!! Some good space battles… and the story seems interesting almost enough! I give it...
A 2 Wumpa Fruit rating: O O
Coco: WHAT!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?!
Crash: Well I kinda liked it.
Coco: GrrrrrrAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!! I HATE DOING THESE REVIEWS CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT OOOOUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!
Darwin: Thankfully in space… no one can hear her scream!!
Danni: ‘Cept us!! Boy!!!
Darwin: Auey... look what she's doing to Crash!! She's banging his
head on the control panel!
Danni: Um… Coco...
Coco: SAY IT CRASH... SAY THE MOVIE SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crash: Ow... HEY… Roger Ebert… I'm entitled to my own opin... OW... ion!
Coco: I HATE THAT MOVIE... AND I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Danni: Someone's been drinking way too much tango lately!!
Darwin: Auey... remind me not to bring Coco to the movies next week
when we review 'Road Trip'!
THE END
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