COPY RATS CHRISTMAS
NOTE: A degrees(the º) symbol represents past, future, or present replay characters(it will all be explained).
~O.o~
Twas the night before the night before Christmas... and all through the town, the people were happy. The children were playing, the elders were enjoying every aspect of life...and there he was. They call him..."stooge". But before we show this man's troubled life, let's show where it all began... December, 1999.
Certox: Ah, what great smelling air!
Certox runs out of the snow forest with a giant Christmas tree.
Certox: I'm so glad we're back on Earth!
Bero: Yeah, thanks to Teeny being president.
Certox: Argh, my knees are buckling... ah!
WAM!
Certox: Ow... that hurt. Bero, did you... Bero?! BERO!!
Certox looks forward and sees that the tree landed on Bero. All that showed were Bero's feet, sticking out from the bottom of the tree. Certox jumped over them and began to cry. As his tears hit Bero's feet, the feet roll up and disintegrate.
Certox: Hmmm... now where have I seen that before?
Suddenly a gang of midgets jump out from all the bushes and start circling Certox chanting "The lollipop land!"
Certox: Oh no you don't! The last time I saw midgets do this they trampled Santa Claus to death!
WACK, POW, BOOM, ACK, BAM!
Certox unburied himself from under the snow and stands up dizzily.
Enjin: Certox, are you okay?
Certox: I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do it!
Enjin: Huh? About what?
Certox: I... I forgot.
Enjin: I see. Hey look, a rabbit!
Enjin runs forward and grabs a little white patch at the bottom of the bush.
Enjin: Come on... darn... rabbit!
Suddenly a polar bear stands up from the bush, turns around, and swallows Enjin up whole.
Certox: Enjin! No, oh gosh!
Trepy, who is a few kilometres away, hears the yell and jumps in the CR Jeep. He speeds to where it came from. As he nears, he hits a patch of ice and violently swerves and stops immediately in front of a tree, barely tapping it.
Trepy: Wheeewww...
Then a rumble noise starts.
Trepy: Uh-oh...
WOOMPH!
Certox: Trepy!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
And now we go to the present. We see a man dressed in all black. His back faces the street. A young boy approaches him.
Paperboy: Sir, would you like a—
Certox: BAAAAAAH!!
Paperboy: Ah!
Certox turns around baring his ugly face. Over the years, his beard has gone long, his eyes have drooped and turned black, and he is in anything-but-bare attire. Call him Cerama bin Toxin if you wish, but most everyone knows him as...the "stooge"! He continues walking down the street, knocking over little children, scolding shopkeepers, and staring down other elders for not dressing in "old person" attire.
Certox: Stupid people, what’s the deal with this rubbish they call Christmas?!? It's a bunch of drivel created my some hooligan company executive!
A young boy wanders to Certox.
Boy: Mewwy Chwistmas mister! You wook wike Santa Cwaus!
Certox: Hmmm... how nice. Only one thing...THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS! Now SCRAAAAAM!!!
Boy: Ahhhh!
The boy begins to cry as Certox stomps off with an evil grin on his face. As he walks, he scares away groups of people. Pretty soon, he is the only person on the street.
Certox: Now THIS is how Christmas should be. Little tyrants in bed, parents cleaning the houses and maintaining balance. Everything is right.
He stops in front of a window with several TV's. He looks around and is surprised by all the inactivity. He thought it was merely quiet, but it is dead silent. He sees fog up ahead, and the closer it gets it does not disappear. He walks through it and begins to feel dizzy as he comes out of it. He drops his cane and hat and shakes his head.
Certox: Ugh! What in poppycock is going on?! I bet it's those darned kids smoking! Why I'll show them... wait, where am I?
WAM!
Certox hits the ground after a hit on the head. He jumps up to face the culprit and sees a floating phantasm.
Certox: B-Bero?
Enjin: No, I'm Gary Coleman!
Certox: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?
Enjin: Seriously... I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past, here to show you your past, so you can see what went wrong in, uh, your past.
Certox: Past, shmast! What's it matter to you? You're just a ghost.
Enjin: Oh what, now you're a ghost racist? A brotha' can't roam the streets without bein' called a ghost. I'm sick and tired of you ghost-haters. Why don't you try not bein' able to breathe for four years, then you can make fun of ghosts. Until then I don't wanna hear anything from you oxygen lovers.
Certox: Huh?
Enjin: Don't pull that! Let's see you walk through walls, the living living!
Certox: Why--what are you rambling about? Screw the past. I'm happy how I am now.
Enjin: Oh come on! You look like the devil just gave you a makeover. You can't really be happy.
Certox: When you guys were alive I was happy--wait I--
Enjin: Ah-ha! I knew it. I know you too well. I knew I'd find out the truth.
Certox: Quit with the repeating words, moron!
Enjin: Hey, I'm just pounding my words in to your memory. How can you forget when I keep saying words over and over? And over and over in your memory!
Certox: ENOUGH!
Enjin: Jeez, how many of your best friends died? Oh woops, hehe. Fine, let's go to the past.
A bunch of wavy lines appear and the background changes. It's December 24, 1998, inside the Copy Mansion on Earth. Christmas lights surround the house. The camera slowly moves in through the window. A large Christmas tree reaches the ceiling of the den. Dozens of presents are below it. The fireplace shines brightly on one side of the room, with four stockings hanging above it. One catches fire and falls in.
Certox: Oh wow, such nice time-warp effects. It's like I’m watching PBS.
Enjin: HEY! I'm not here to impress you - I'm just here to learn you.
Certox: TEACH me, you mean.
Enjin: Did I stutter?
Certox: Hey, this is our old house, before we went to Bandonia. Jeez did that place suck.
Enjin: Calm down. Remember this?
Certox: No...wait, it's Christmas. I should kill you for putting me through this!
Enjin: Oh shut up! *SMACK*
Certox: Why I oughta--! Hey, there I am. Darn I'm sexy.
Enjin: Just listen and watch.
Certox: Hmmm, won't they see us?
Enjin: Don't think you're actually here. Think of it more as a replay. These things have already happened, we're just rewinding them and watching them.
Certox: Oh great, lousy VHS.
Enjin: *sigh* Where's your mute?
Beroº I love Christmas!
Trepyº So do I!
Enjinº Tis the time to be jolly!
Enjin: Man was I a loser. I'm glad we dumped that old writer and got Ryan to replace him.
Certox: Who?!
Enjin: Just watch!
Certoxº Christmas is so great! It's the only time of year I can walk up to random women, kiss them, and not go to jail!
Trepyº Erm, yeah, you can do that, ay?
Certoxº Yep!
Beroº Alright, let's open presents!
Enjinº But Santa Claus hasn't come yet!
Certoxº Um, Enjin, we need to have a talk.
Certox: Heh, we never did get to have that talk.
Enjin: What talk?
Trepyº Awesome! I got socks in my stocking!
Beroº I've got a pet rock in mine!
Enjinº Cool, which one is it?
Beroº I dunno, I guess I'm supposed to paint it myself.
Enjinº Look, I got purified water and a half eaten cookie!
Certoxº Hmmm, I don't have a stocking.
Trepyº Oh don't worry, it was only charcoal.
Certoxº Oh... no wonder this fire got bigger. It's hot in here, I'm gonna step out for a minute.
Certox watches on as his past self is mocked by his three best friends.
Enjin: Hey, I didn't know what was goin' on. See, I'm over there chasing my tailbone, totally oblivious.
Certox: I remember this night. I can't believe they would do that to me. It's Christmas for Christ's sake!
Enjin: Hey, at least I've gotten you to acknowledge that!
They step out and follow the past Certox as he steps outside. He pulls on his coat and walks out on to the street.
Certox: I told you Christmas sucks! See how I was ridiculed. There is no point in this. Bring me home!
Enjin: Sure thing. Hey, what do you know? You are home.
Certox: You're beginning to annoy me.
Enjin: Yeah, must suck being alive.
Certox: Are all ghosts this annoying?
Enjin: You better believe it. Mr. T just likes to yell CALL COLLECT all the time.
Certox: Isn't Mr.T still alive?
Enjin: What'd you think I meant?
They walk about 10 feet behind the past Certox as he walks down the street. He stops and looks up at a house. He stares at the front door and sees half a dozen children singing in front of a whole family, mother and father and daughter and son.
Carolers: Siiiiileeent Knight, hooooooly night...
Past Certox looks at them and a small smile forms on his face. He continues walking and sees a man hand a man a hot meal. Then he sees two elderly people holding hands as they cross the street together. Then he sees a single snowflake falling down. He sticks his tongue out and catches it.
Certoxº Ugh, tastes like smoke. *gulp*
One by one, snowflakes fall from the sky. He actually begins to smile.
Certox: What the hell?! It's only snow, don't get all teary on me Certox! You're a disgrace to my name.
Enjin: Calm down, man. You're the one who's got problems. Watch out for that-*WAM*
Certox falls to the ground. After a few seconds he stands up swaying from side to side.
Certox: You really bug me.
Enjin: That's what Jimminy the Cricket said.
Certox: No way?! He's dead?
Enjin: Crickets only lives a few days, you know. They used about 10 different crickets just for filming Pinocchio. Now look!
They look forward and see Certox stop on the kerb.
Certoxº Maybe Christmas isn't THAT bad--
WACK!
Womanº Oh I'm sorry, sir! Oh dear, I really got you there didn't I?
Certoxº Actually, you got me right there, and the ground got me... right there. Oooh...
Certox looks up and jumps back. He is stunned by the woman's beauty.
Womanº I am SO sorry about that.
Certoxº Here, let me help you with all this stuff.
Womanº Oh, you shouldn't. After all, I hit you.
Certox: Oh man was she a hotty!
Enjin: Yeah, she was.
Certox: Hey!
Certoxº So, er, you wanna go catch a late dinner with me? New Chinese food place up the street.
Womanº Oh, nah, I’m not a big fan of Chinese food.
Certoxº Oh yeah, me neither. Um, wanna go to Burger King?
Womanº Hmmm, well since you asked too nicely... sure, why not?
They both laugh happily and walk off talking to each other.
Enjin: You spent a year with her didn't you? Don't you wonder what happened?
Certox: Bah! She was too weak, she had no goals.
Enjin: Yeah, those are normal people aspects. Not everyone is hell bent on killing everyone. If that happened we would be like the Taliban.
After a half hour, past Certox says goodbye to his new female friend.
Certoxº I had a nice night tonight. Um, do you maybe want to get lunch tomorrow?
Womanº Hmm, you know what?
Certoxº Sure do! You're gonna say yes!
Womanº Well, if you wanna put it that way, sure! Haha, you're such a sweetheart. Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
Certoxº Yeah...see you tomorrow.
Certox: Hey, I forgot about that part.
Enjin: Yeah, you're ignorant to a lot of things. Let's go back to your house.
Certox: So I can get more charcoal?
Enjin: If you want.
Certox: I don't, so let's not go.
Enjin: Too late.
They suddenly appear inside the Copy Mansion.
Certox: You REALLY need to stop doing that!
Enjin: No.
The door knob turns and past Certox enters. He hangs up his coat and walks in to the den. Nobody is there.
Certoxº Thank goodness. I get to open up my boxes of charcoal all alone.
MERRY CHRISTMAS CERTOX!
Certoxº Wow! For me!?
Trepy, Bero, and Enjin stand there with three shiny presents.
Beroº We're sorry about earlier. So we got you REAL presents.
Trepyº Merry Christmas, Certox! You're our pal!
Enjinº You're also our big brother. :) Merry Christmas bro!
Certoxº Wow you guys, I couldn't ask for a more perfect Christmas. Thanks. :)
Enjin: See, life isn't that bad.
Certox: You may be right in some things but, well, I'm still right on the big picture.
Enjin: You're Homer Simpson, I'm Leonardo DaVinci. I make you look stupid.
Certox: My foot makes me look stupid... I mean, makes Homer look stupid.
Enjin: Okay, I'm done with you for now. I'm only one of three, so don't think us Christmas spirits haven't won yet. Here, follow me.
Ghost Enjin floats through the door.
Certox: Oh NOW what?
*WAM*
He falls to the ground after hitting the door.
Certox: REAL FUNNY! I should--where'd you go punk?!
Certox jumps up and finds himself back in the street, with a bunch of people looking at him.
Certox: Ah ha! I knew it was a dream! You're all pathetic! You think I, the most intelligent and good-looking man here, is crazy! Well, you'd be surprised. Certox is back! And Certox is better than ever! BAH! Christmas ghosts, yeah right. Let that punk show his face again and I'll--
Enjin: BOO!
Certox: AHHH!
~O.o~
Certox painfully pushes himself off the ground. His bones aren't the same they used to be. It's not the fact that he's old, but walking with a cane when you don't have to hurts the back.
Certox: Crimey! That burns.
Another cloud of smog surrounds him.
Certox: Hmmm, can't be another ghost. They come with fog. This is smog.
Fog then follows the smog and surrounds Certox.
Certox: Uh-oh.
WAM!
Certox gets off the ground holding his head. He's in complete darkness. He looks forward and takes a few slow steps. He squints his eyes in a futile attempt to see anything. Then a match lights up behind him. He slowly turns around and looks at it. He moves his head forward. Then the match and a face behind it jump forward.
Trepy: Boo!
Certox: YAAAA!!
Certox slips backward and smacks right in to the mud. Trepy thrusts his arm forward and the sewers light up.
Trepy: Seriously now, that what the funniest thing I've ever seen. I thought Elvis playing hopscotch with Ghandi up in the Big H was funny!
Certox stands up filthy.
Certox: Why?!
Trepy: Jeez, you never changed. You know why I’m here right?
Certox: Yes, but why are you so pale?
Trepy: Uhhhh, I’m dead, moron.
Certox: Enjin wasn't pale.
Trepy: He eats a lot, so? Now, I'm here to show me your future! Because I am--
Certox: The ghost of Christmas present, bla bla bla. Let's go.
Trepy floats through the sewer wall. Certox follows and smacks right in to it.
Certox: Jeez that smarts!! What else?
The lights go out.
Certox: Aw real funny, Trepy!
5 minutes later Trepy and Certox are in the Caribbean, several hundred years back.
Certox: Where are we?
Trepy: You should know. Remember the mansion?
Certox: No.
Trepy: The big cliff and animal shaped trees?
Certox: No...
Trepy: *sigh* The monkeys?
Certox: Oh yeah!
Trepy: Okay. This is Guybrush's house. Remember how he joined our squad? Well, when we died and you left, he had to return to the past. And, well, it wasn't good. Let's go inside.
They float inside.
Certox: Hey, won't he see us?
Trepy: Nah, it's just another replay. Now watch.
They look forward and see Guybrush sitting at a computer that he brought from the present.
Guybrushº I still don't see why this is called a mouse. Mover or Pointer would have been more logical. Hmmm, I wonder what there is to do on this computer thingy. Hmmm, what's this say?
Microsoft.com: The Only Website to Survive the Monopoly Wars. Also check out these other Microsoft products: MicroToaster, MicroRefrigerator, Microsoft Electric Car, Microsoft Vacuum(sucks up more money than classic MS accountants!), Microsoft Birth Control pill, Microsoft Hard candy, Microsoft bakery products, Microsoft Bill Gates giant doll, Microsoft Monopoly board game, Microsoft money, Microsoft book "How to Rule the World".
Certox: AHHH! Microsoft! Get me out of here!
Trepy: Sure thing. See what happened when you decided to stop trying to take over the world?
Trepy and Certox zoom away and appear back on Earth.
Certox: Oh man. I can't believe that! Microsoft ruling the world?! Yeah, and I'll eat at Burger King. Hah!
Trepy: Well, maybe that will help you get a bit closer to loving Christmas again. My job here is done!
Certox: Sure thing, Captain America.
Trepy: Evil villian, I will destroy your evil forces!
Certox: Yeah, whatever you say Super Mario.
Trepy: Feel the force of my good powers!
Certox: Ooh, don't jump me Crash Bandicoot!!
Trepy: Hey thanks!
Certox: I, uh, doh!
Trepy: Goodbye for now, Certox!
Trepy disappears and the lights go out in the sewer.
Certox: I'm really starting to hate that trick.
~O.o~
Certox: *sigh* 2 out of 3 gone. Jeez, I can't believe the sight of a long-lost love, my friends alive, and Microsoft ruling the world hasn't gotten to me. Wait, since I’m thinking about this why hasn't it?!
WOOMPH!
Certox: Now who?
Bero: Aw come on pal! Take a guess.
Certox: Bero! It's you!
Bero: In the flesh. Wait, that's politically incorrect.
Certox: You're just air.
Bero: Hey, WE prefer to be called poltergeists.
Certox: Uh, looks like Enjin's gotten to you too.
Bero: Yeah, never mess with a brotha'.
Certox: What?! Since when is he black?!
Bero: Again, that's politcally incorrect! It's African-American.
Certox: I'm guessing you've been spending too much time with JFK. He was always politically inclined.
Bero: Believe it or not, he always has a "Do Not Disturb" sign on his door. So does Jr.
Certox: Erm... Let's go.
Bero: (sings to the tune of “The Wizard of Oz”) We're off to see the future, the wonderful future of us!
Bero and Trepy zoom out and arrive in the future. Approximately 2010.
Certox: Ugh! Future air! BLEH!!
Bero: Hey, watch the Armani wings!
Certox: But... this... air!
Bero: Yeah, you won't believe who gained control of the world and turned it in to one big dark hell hole.
Certox: Not meeee...
Bero: Yes, you.
Certox: Hah! I knew it was that moron you. I shoulda punched him when I had the chance!
Bero: No no! It was YOU Certox!!!
Certox: WHAAAAT?!
Certox looks forward and sees a 20-foot statue of himself. The statue portrays him as a hunch-backed old man with one eye, a wooden leg, a cane, all black clothing, balding head, loafers, and what looks to be two devil horns.
Certox: Oh my--I look like... no, I can't say it!
Bero: Yep...Bill Gates. It's sad, I know. But this is where your life is headed. I have more.
They walk along through some dark streets and enter a short building. They walk inside in to a big room. One coffin is on a wooden table in front of a fire. One person is there with the priest. It is a woman wearing all black clothes and a black veil.
Certox: Th-this can't be! I wouldn't... oh my... it's her. No... Hannah!
He sees his old girl-friend, Hannah, standing in front of the coffin crying. The priest reads some words from the bible very slowly. Then the coffin begins moving in to the wall with the fire pit.
Certox: N-no! Come on! This isn't right. I'm rude, but I don't deserve THIS! What happened to me?!
As Certox starts pulling on his coffin, Bero begins to speak.
Bero: Genetically altered penguins.
Certox: Wha?! Penguins?! Oh come on, not fair! I at least deserve to get hit by a train.
Bero: That happened afterward.
Certox: Oh gosh! NOO!!! Why?!
Bero: Certox, after a few years of hating the world, you finally contacted Bill Gates and told him your assets could be used to help finish taking over the world. You became CEO of Microkill--
Certox: Microkill?!?
Bero: Yes, Microkill. After a full year of serving Bill Gates, you had him killed by your gangsters. You were even more evil than he. You turned the world in to a toxic wasteland, polluting fresh land, unexplored areas, wildlife reserves, and even Washington DC.
Certox: That's horrible! But I understand the DC part. But man! Why me?!
Bero: Just last month, in this future time I mean, you assigned a newbie named Bill Gates Jr. to be the CEO. And just like you did, he had you killed off. Fed to giant toxic penguins and then run over by a train. Nobody really loved you, so this is your funeral.
Certox: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
~O.o~
Certox: -OOOOOOOOO!!! Huh, where am I? Bero?
Certox looks around, and is again surrounded by darkness. Suddenly two large pills float fly down in front of him. One is a large bright blue pill, and to the right is a large red pill.
Voice: Certox, to the right of you is a blue pill. It will take you back in to the world you loved, a world where you were not afraid of yourself.
Certox: Oh real original!
Voice: And to the left, a red pill. It is a large hot tamale. If you choose to take it, you will suffer infinite heartburn and suffer in the depths of hell!
Certox: Hmmm, water pill or hot tamale...water pill or hot tamale...hot tamale!!
Voice: Stop! Choose the blue pill jackass!
Certox: Ok ok!
Certox picks the blue pill out of the abyss and swallows it.
Certox: Uh, ugh!! It's stuck... errrr!
Voice: This isn't supposed to happen!
Certox: Uggghhghgh... GOTCHA!
Voice: ARRR! Out of here!
Certox is warped away. He falls face first in to a deep pile of snow.
Certox: Bleh! Mmmm, cloudy.
Bero: Awesome tree Certox, pick it up!
Certox: Um, I have a weird feeling I’m not supposed to do this... what the hell!
Certox rips the tree from it's roots. He begins to sway back and forth.
Certox: Uhhhhhh... watch out Bero!!
The tree falls forward in slow-motion(effect man, effect!)
Certox: Beroooooooooo! Nooooo... I don’t believe it. Not again. *sob*
Bero: What's that Certox? Mmm, these snow flowers smell good.
Certox: Bero!!
Certox lunges forward and knocks Bero in to the snow. He hugs him and kisses him with crazed eyes.
Bero: Whoa whoa whoa, bro! What the heck?!
Enjin comes running through the trees to see what is going on.
Enjin: Hey look, a rabbit!
Certox: No!
Certox kicks a tree over and it lands on top of the bush.
Certox: It was a bear. You would've been mauled to death!
Enjin: Wow, you're probably right.
Then the CR Jeep comes skidding in.
Certox: Ahhhhh! Stop!
Certox jumps in front of the jeep and his body stops it, only after getting hit on to the ground.
Certox: Ughghg... you're alive!
The snow falls on Certox, and Bero, Enjin, and Trepy lift him up.
Trepy: You feelin' ok, Certox?
Certox: Yeah... never been better. Merry Christmas guys.
Bero: Yeah, uh, Merry Christmas, Certox.
Enjin: Nice tree. Let's go home now.
Certox: Sounds great!
They walk towards the jeep as the sun sets... NOT! This story isn't over... not yet anyways. More suffering for you!
They hop in the jeep and speed off through the snow. After a few minutes of insane driving, Certox takes the wheel and drives the minimum speed. They pull up in front of the old CR Mansion, which is, uh, the new CR Mansion. They lug the tree inside and set it near the fire. Everyone is there. From Poke to Ry Peroo. Every person has a heaven, and Certox again has his.
Certox: You all. I love you. When my life is over I will truly be proud to say I spent it with you all. One day I'll be gone, but these memories are forever. I love you all.
Certox smiles and begins to cry. Later that night, when everyone has gone to bed, Certox sits in front of the fire. Suddenly an idea strikes him. He puts on his coat and runs from the house. He runs all the way to a neighbourhood on the outskirts of New York. He slowly stops in front of a small house. He slowly walks up to the door. He rings the doorbell.
Woman: Hello?
Certox: Ha... Hannah?
Hannah: Yes, why... wait... Certox!
Hannah jumps on Certox and hugs him.
Hannah: I thought I'd never see you again, ever since that... fight last week.
Certox: But that's in the past! Er, present. Wait, you get what I mean! Hannah, I love you. Merry Christmas my love. :)
And so ends not only a chapter in the life of Certox, but the final page closes in on the lives of the Copy Rats. From their times as struggling villains, until their days of super heroes. In the end it was truly perfect.
Credits:
The credits begin to roll to the music of "Left Hand Suzuki Method" by those famous Gorillaz.
Character Voices:
Certox – Clancy Brown
Bero - Mel Gibson
Trepy - Billy Zane
Enjin - Chris Rock
Teeny - Russel Crowe
Guybrush - Dominic Armato
Hannah – Drew Barrymore
To all past readers of Copy Rats...
Rex, Twister, Goku, Kiorie, Super Crash, Justino, Electricgold, Justino, and all the rest! Without you I never would have had the inspiration to continue.
Then Teeny appears on screen, up close and personal in front of a black background.
Teeny: I don't believe it! I wasn't even in this! Wait, this is going on film? Hehe, well, forget my anarchy speech. Hah! I don't believe it. A Copy Rats story without the word idiot? Well, what would a CR story be without the word idiot. Well, why start now... IDIOT!
Truly, an end! But you know that famous saying. Every ending brings a beginning!
The End
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