CRASH FILM REVIEWS - GLADIATOR
Crash: Hi and welcome to another viewing of...
CASH BANDICOOT FILM REVIEWS
Danni: Tonight we will delve into a new film, which is surprisingly good and accurate!
Coco: It's 'Gladiator', a Roman epic that almost exceeds to Stanley Kubrick's Spartacus… but still no one can match up that, so let's review shall we?
Darwin: Okay mates!! N. Tropy's time warp thingy is in view!! I'm sure Cortex is in Ancient Rome somewhere!
Danni: What a coincidence mate!! It'll be a great place to review our new movie!!
Crash: Here we go!!
They enter the time warp and end up in another time!!
Crash: This is it - Rome!!
Danni: Doesn't look like Rome!
Coco: Let's see!! There's buildings… but they're skyscrapers!!
Darwin: HEY!!! WOODSTOCK 1999!!! I didn't know the Romans liked Gen X music!!
Coco: Wait a minute!! We're not in Rome Italy - we're in Rome New York!!
Crash: Sorry!! But can't we stay till Blink 182 comes on!?!?
Danni: Get over here!!!!
They renter the time warp... and are transported to the REAL Rome!!
Danni: This is it!! Anyway, as I was saying, Gladiator is an inspirational film with marvellous cinema photography, some smashing acting and plenty of action and drama at the same time!!
Coco: It's a brilliant piece of work that one who appreciates a true movie would go to see!!
Darwin: Hey um… where's Crash!?
Coco: Hey… where is my bro anyway!?
Danni: There he is!! He's entering the coliseum!!
Coco: Oh no!!
Crash goes up to a man wearing a Roman Officer's suit!!
Crash: Hey... are you the gladiator!?
Guard: No!
Crash: Are you the ticket-master!?
Guard: The what!?!?
Crash: Well... are you the guy that sells hot dogs cause I'm...
Guard: Who are you to come to the Feast of Luperical?
Crash: Oh Caesar's here!?
Guard: No… only his excellency, Cortex Maximus, Caesar of all Rome, conqueror of lands, bringer of blood!! He fought Barbarians, slaves, Fench Pansies, and dicks!!
Crash: Can I meet him!?
Guard: Why of course!! Come this way please!
The guard leads Crash to the outer ring of the Coliseum!
Crash: Hey... must be open day here huh? Hey pal... where's...
Crash turns around to see the guard running out of the coliseum and
closing the iron gates behind Crash!
Crash: Darn!!
Voice: Come forward!!
Crash steps forward to see Cortex perched high above the coliseum!
Crash: Dr. NEO CORTEX!!!
Cortex: No… I am Cortex Maximus!!! Look at my laurel, you twerp!!
Crash: Well I'm here to stop you… and review a great movie at the same time!!
Cortex: You can't stop me, and what is a movie!?
Crash: Don't play dumb with me - we know it's you!!
Cortex: I see no we!! Unless of course… you refer to yourself wetting your pants!! You are afraid are you not!?
Crash: You gotta towel? I think I wet my pants!! You're not Cortex!!
Cortex: I am Cortex Maximus… and you have insulted me!! Just for
that... my Tiger friend 'Tinyus' will crush you into little bandicoot meatballs!!
The crowd cheers!!!!!
Crash: Can I have a weapon!!
Cortex: Nah!! RELEASE THE GLADIATOR!!!!
A giant iron gate begins to open in front of Crash!!
Crash: What do they got here, the Rancour?
The Roman version of Tiny steps out with a giant trident!!
Crash: Darn it! Not again!!
Tinyus: Tinyus win this one!! Tinyus stomp puny little bandicoot!!
Crash: His dictation's the same!!
Cortex: KILL HIM!!!!!
Tinyus: RRRRHHHHAAAAHGHHHHHGGGHHH!!!!!
Tiny hops up and down Crash 3 style to try and crush Crash, who runs in every direction to avoid Tinyus!
Crash: Any... way... this... movie... is... very…
Crash tries to speak as he dodges Tiny trying to jump on him!!
Crash: Hey... will you let me finish... my... review!?!?!?!
Cortex: STOP!!!!!!!!
Tinyus: Huh?
Cortex: TINYUS, I SAID KILL HIM - NOT HOP UP AND DOWN LIKE AN ETHIOPIAN FAGGOT!!!! DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME!!! THE SCRIBES IN THE BACK ROW ARE GETTING RESTLESS!!!
Tinyus: Sorry!! Tiny lead full charge now!! Tinyus gonna ram it hard into bandicoot!!
Crash: Ram it hard!?!? Don't tell me you're hitting on me!!
Tinyus went quiet!!
Tinyus: NO WAY - TINYUS STRAIGHT!!!! TINYUS MEAN TRIDENT!!
Crash: Oh!! I think I'd prefer the trident!!
Tiynus: RRRAAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!
Tiny charges at Crash!!
Meanwhile, Danni and the others are on their way to the Coliseum
Danni: Anyway, while we get Crash back we'd like to talk more about Gladiator!! Unlike most Roman Epics it doesn't take half the day to watch it!
Darwin: Not to mention how accurate it is at depicting the Roman Empire!! It was a doozy creating the whole coliseum!!
Coco: Not to mention such great battle scenes!!
Darwin: With the opening battle scene and such, this film, unlike other films on the Roman Empire, does not depict the Roman as a sissy organized British legion that can easily be defeated!!
Danni: YES!! Those Romans certainly are cruel, and like most actors portraying Romans the main character has a dark beard and is a gladiator… who was the one to be emperor!
Coco: As it turns out, some sissy half-wit son of the former emperor, takes the throne… and has the main character, Maximus, fight as a gladiator!!
Darwin: And what bitter irony… when the Caesar finds out that the Romans like the gladiator more than the Caesar!
Danni: Joke's on the emperor!
Coco: Guys… we're in!!! Crash is fighting Tiny!
Danni: Darwin, what are you doing?
Darwin: NOTHING! (Talking to a Roman bookie) 50 bucks on Tiny!!
Danni: (Grabbing Darwin's ear) GET OVER HERE!!!
Darwin: OW OW OW!!!
Back in the arena!
Crash: Ohhhh… let’s see now… wha... oh a wise guy eh? Let’s see how we can fix this problem… hey stupid!!
Crash stops Tinyus!!
Crash: (Holding out his fist) See that!??
Tinyus: Yeah!?
Crash hits his fist… sending his other fist onto Tinyus's head!!
Tinyus: Hey!! What you trying to pull?
Crash: Well that didn't work!!
Tinyus: Tiynus get you no...
Crash spin attacks Tinyus and knocked him out!! The crowd boos!!
Crash: I am the winner!! I am the winner!!! AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE CAUSE CRASH SAID SO!!!! WWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The crowd continues to boo Crash!! Crash flips them off and starts
taunting them!!
Crash: NYAH NYAH… NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH… HEY HEY… GOOODDD
BYE!!! NA NA… NA NA NA NA… HEY HEY… GOOD BYE!!
Cortex: Release those friggin lions!!
The lions from Crash 3 run out into the collesium!!!
Crash: Darn… I forgot about those!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
All four lions dive onto Crash, ripping him with their claws!!
Coco: CRASH!!!!
Danni: We have to save him!!
Darwin: Not yet!!
Danni: Why not!?!?
Darwin: It's not the end of the show yet!! Well... anyway, overall, Gladiator is a great movie that not only delivers action and drama but also an unbiased view of Roman Tyranny and corruption with cruel emperors! Some parts may be a little inaccurate but it's a wonderful story and we highly recommend this Roman classic!! Overall Review:
A 4 Wumpa Fruit rating: O O O O
Coco: Now can we save Crash!?
Danni: Yea!! They're going for his groin now!!
Crash: OOOOHHHGGGGGGGG!! AAAUUUGGHH!!!
Darwin: Sure!! TRIDENTS EVERYONE!!!!
THE END
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