CRASH FILM REVIEWS - MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2
Danni: Uh… welcome ladies and gents to another episode of...
CRASH FILM REVIEWS
Danni: I'm Danni Dingo and these are some of me best mates – Crash Bandicoot, his sister Coco, and the lovely Darwin Dingo!
Darwin: G'day!!
Coco: Hi!!!
Crash: Ditto!!
Danni: On today's show we will review the out-of-nowhere flick 'Mission: Impossible 2'! This film... was unlike the original!!!
Coco: And we mean that in a good way!!
Danni: True, true mate!! Unlike the original this one ha da plot to it instead of a somewhat jumbled up story!! But like the original… it stars Tom Cruise again!!
Darwin: I'll tell you what, I was more convinced with his role here than in that trite he was in!! You know... 'Eyes Wide Shut'!
Crash: Yeah!!! Stanley Kubrick must be rolling in his grave after that one!!
Danni: So anyway, the whole plot is that there is a deadly virus about to be released somewhere in Germany I believe... and everyone leaves it up to Cruise to go and stop it! And what is Mission: Impossible best known for?
Coco: The same thing James Bond movies are known for – really cool high tech gadgets!!
Crash: Yeah!! And you know soemthin’, I picked up info that Cortex himself is gonna release some nasty virus as well!!!
Darwin: Yep!! So we got our own Mission: Impossible and sneak into Cortex Castle to stop this deadly Outbreak!!!
Crash: Hey guys!! Before we go... we gotta do the famous Mission: Impossible opening!!!
Coco: You mean the thing with the match and the fuse!?
Danni: And the spy music inserted?
Crash: YEP!!! So let's begin then, shall we!?
*Insert scene with lit fuse and 'Mission Impossible' music!!!
Crash and the gang are crawling through a tunnel with lighted helmets and a map!!
Danni: It's so cramped in here mate!!
Crash: In know... but Tom Cruise was in tighter situations than this in M:I 2!
Coco: *Cough* Yeah...*Sniff* Bur he didn't have allergies *Cough* underground like I *Cough* do!!
Crash: Stop complaining sis - I know exactly where we’re going!!!
Darwin: Say... this tunnel-digging scene won't remind people of M:I 2!! It'll more likely remind our viewers of 'Small Time Crooks'… except no Woody Allen!!!
Crash: Well with the way Coco complains, we are pretty close!!!
Danni: Yeah... but really... I think Coco's claustrophobic!!
Crash: Yeah - she never did like spiders!!
Danni: NO - I said claustrophobic, not arachnophobic!
Crash: Oh!!!
Coco: Can *Cough* we stop… *sniff*...for a minute? *Cough* I think my throat closed up! *Cough*
Crash: C'mon!!! Did Tom Cruise ever give up a mission for even one minute in M:I 2!? NO!! So we will press forward until Cortex's evil deed is stopped!!!
Darwin: Say Crash - where's those high tech gadgets you promised to bring!?
Crash: Right here! This here's a self-destructing pair of underwear!!
Danni: Those look like your undies Crash!!!
Crash: Yeah!! I attached a self-destruct device on my own boxers!
Coco: *Cough* Why?
Crash: So anyone who wears them will explode in five seconds exactly!!
Darwin: That's stupid!! Who would wanna wear your smelly pair of knickers!?
Crash: Anyone who has good taste, that's who!
Darwin: Oh sure... someone wants to wear a pair of pink polka-dotted boxers! Great planning Crash!!
Crash: Hey… if all else failed, I also brought along two of the greatest devises used in most Mission: Impossible episodes!
Danni: Like what?! Grenades!? Bombs!? Guns!?
Crash: A tube of toothpaste and dental floss!
Danni: Blimey Crash!! When are you gonna ever bring the fruit bazooka along!?
Crash: Until Naughty Dog finds out that fruit that can kill anything
is NOT safe to eat!
Darwin: Say Crash, according to your map we should be well below Cortex's castle by now!!
Crash: You're right!! We start digging up now!!
Coco: About *Cough* time! *Sniff*
The gang start digging their way up!! They are now in Cortex Castle!!
Crash: Okay gang!! Synchronize your watches!!
Darwin: But we don't have watches mate!!
Crash: Then always remember this - the North Star leads you directly to where you started!
Coco: *Sigh* Wrong as usual!
Crash: Oh shut up! Danni, Darwin... take the toothpaste and the dental floss. Coco, or as we know as 'The Brain', you take the self-destructing pair of boxers!!!
Coco: ICK!!!!! (Crash hands her the boxers) I'm definitely gonna have to wash after this mission!!
Danni: What about you Crash!? What will you bring!?
Crash: My trusty yo-yo! In and out!! On four and… BREAK!!!
The gang go separate ways!!
Danni: Well... anyway, Mission: Impossible 2 is a real make-up from the original two years ago!!
Darwin: True!! I actually got the plot to it!!
Danni: Hey - we go up the ventilation shaft now!!
Climbing through the ventilation shaft, Danni and Darwin begin looking around for any opening!
Darwin: Here's one!!!
Danni: Let's check it out first!
Darwin: Yeah!
Danni: Be careful!!
Darwin: Sure I wi...
Darwin presses too hard… and both him and Danni fly out of the shaft and onto Coco!
Coco: OW!!!! Hey… you guys! We're supposed to separate!!
Danni: Well obviously, Crash's bad planning didn't help!
Crash: Hey guys!!
Darwin: Crash!!! You dipstick! We went around in circles!!!
Crash: Uh guys, I just wanna tell you we're not in Cortex Castle!!
Danni: There where are we!?
Crash: Well, behind me there are a couple of turtles, some weird stone guys and an Italian guy I ran into!!
Coco: Crash you idiot!!! We're in Castle Koopa!!!!!
Danni: Oh great!! Well before we kill Crash… we just wanna say that M-I 2 was an action-packed thriller that surpassed the original!! Still lacking in some areas... but it is very notable, and actually worth your time!! It deserves…
A three Wumpa Rating! O O O
Crash: Check it out - there's Bowser!!
Bowser: HEY!! Have you seen two Italian plumbers run around here somewhere!?
Darwin: NO!!
Bowser: Thanks anyway!! Sorry… but I gotta kill you all now!!
Danni: Why!?
Bowser: Two reasons! One - I hate trespassers who damage my floor!
Coco: And two!?
Bowser: You're all from a different cooperation that's in competition with Nintendo!! It's my job to kill you!!
Crash: Coco!! Throw the self-destructing boxers on him!!!
Coco: OKAY!!
Coco throws the boxers at Bowser... and they land on his head
covering his eyes!
Bowser: Hey… I can't see!
A voice from the boxers begins to activate!
Voice: This underwear will self destruct in 5 seconds!!! 5 – 4 – 3…
Crash: Well until next time… join us on...
Bowser throws the boxers off and they land on Crash's head!
Voice: 2 - 1! Boxers will now self-destruct!! Have a nice day!
Well the force of the boxers causes a giant explosion!! Crash and the gang lay in the smouldering ruins!! (They're alive)
Back in the hospital... Crash and the gang lie in beds with
bandages covering them!!
Coco: THAT'S IT!!!! This is the last show I'm co-starring in!!!
Darwin: (In a body cast) *MPH MPH MPH* *Translation*: BEDPAN! BEDPAN!!!
Danni: Oh thanks Crash!! Now we gotta wait till we review the
other movies!
Crash: Well that's all the time we have!! Seeya next week!
Danni: You'll remain in the hospital next week mate when we knock your block off for this stupid mission!!
THE END!!!
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