CRASH FILM REVIEWS - BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE
Darwin: G'day and welcome to...
CRASH FILM REVIEWS
Darwin: I'm Darwin!
Danni: I'm Danni!
Coco: *Sigh* And I'm Coco.
Danni: You're probably wondering why Crash isn't here today!
Darwin: He said he got a brilliant plan from today's movie to catch Cortex! Speaking of which, today's movie is 'Big Momma's House'! Now when you immediately hear this title, and you know Martin Lawrence is in it, what are the words that pop into your head?
Coco: These words - Eddie Murphy, black, obese, comedy rip-off. This movie's kinda like ‘The Nutty Professor', without Eddie Murphy! Course Martin Lawrence copies Eddie Murphy's stunts, so you can't really make a difference!
Danni: And this movie is a stereotype of two groups!! Southern black people and overly obese people!
Darwin: True... and Martin Lawrence is disguised as a criminal known as 'Big Momma', a real stereotypical name of what would have been the name of the first fat female rapper!
Danni: Right… so as a member of the FBI, Martin Lawrence goes undercover as 'Big Momma'… with a fat suit and an all-out drag dress!
Coco: This movie… hardly made ME laugh!!
Darwin: Oh THERE'S a surprise! (Rolling eyes)
Coco: This movie is an insult to obese people, who have gotten their feelings hurt enough in the movie industry! And all this black dialect makes me sick!! I can't stand movies like this!!
Danni: Calm down mate - this movie was another flat movie story, seeing how Martin Lawerence still didn't convince me that his friends would believe he is 'Big Momma'!
Darwin: Yeah… but his antics were quite funny!!
Coco: Funny!?!? I found nothing funny about this movie!! It's just another insulting, stereotypical movie! And Martin Lawrence will get no favours whatsoever with me!
Darwin: Yeah mate... but Nia Long… ARRROOOO!!!! That is one fine bird she is… or as most of you hear Martin Lawrence say, "Damn, you fine!!!"
Danni: Hmph? Well... I wonder how Crash is doing!
Back at Cortex Castle… Crash went undercover as Cortex's date! He wears a pink dress with a yellow sun hat, wearing size 18 high heels... and has lipstick and eye blush on! Crash here's a voice on the intercom!! It's Cortex's!
Cortex: Welcome!! I'm so glad you could make it my sweet Natilina!!
Crash: (In girl's voice) Oh… it's a pleasure to be meeting with you!
I hear you're handsome!!
Cortex: Thank you... just you wait and see what I look like!!! Well I'll be there soon! Yes... my soon bride to be who will be my queen of the world of my army of evil minions! I will have no need for her after this!
N. Gin: Uh Cortex… you gotta let go of the button!
Cortex: D’OH!
The castle doors opened, and Crash (disguised as Natilina) walks in! Cortex comes to greet him/her.
Cortex: Ahh… my sweet Natilina! It's a pleasure for you to join me! I have heard you one of God's most beautiful creations!! And you are indeed right!
*(Note: Crash will be using a girl's voice throughout this sketch)
Crash: Oh you!!!
Cortex: Come - you must meet the minions!! This is N. Gin, Tiny, Dingodile, Pinstripe, the Komodo Bros and Koala Kong!!! Say hello boys!
N. Gin: Hi.
Pinstripe: Pleased to meet ya!
Dingodile: Nice looker there mate!
Komodo Bros.: Niccccccce…
Koala Kong: Pretty.
Tiny: Ditto.
Cortex: All right buzz off - me and my date are going to have private time!
Dingodile: Hoo hoo...I getcha mate loud and clear!! hee hee!
Pinstripe: Oh thanks for puttin' the picture in my mind.
Dingodile: Now I'm gonna get sick!
Komodo Bros.: Thisssss ssssssuccckksssss!
Cortex: Just go away!
The minions walk away snickering!
Cortex: Come with me my darling… and we will have dinner together!! I understand through your e-mail… you like Wumpa Fruit pie!! That's very coincidental... because my enemy Crash Bandicoot likes Wumpa fruit too!
Crash: Oh him? Gee... he's so nasty!! He's so ugly, dumb, and I hear he doesn't walk on the straight side… if you know what I mean!!
Cortex: Hoo hoo!! My kind of woman!!!!! Come with me!!
Crash: Yes you handsome, mad doctor you!!
Cortex: All right… this is going out better than my last date!!
They sit down and have dinner!
Crash: So tell me more about these plans Cortex.
Cortex: Oh it's the typical, videogame, same plot-point, taking over the world scheme! I create minions, I build devices and I copy all my ideas from most scientists like Dr. Robotnik (Sonic the Hedgehog), Dr. Wily (Mega Man), Dr. Hojo (Final Fantasy), Dr.
Willow (DBZ)…and so forth!!! I follow their examples… and I'm always one step closer to world domination.
Crash: Will you ever succeed!?
Cortex: I never had... because of THAT INFERNAL BANDICOOT!!! If he were here right now… I'd slash his belly open, write my initials in his back with an ice pick, and stick starving dogs up his behind!!!!!!
Crash begins to sweat!
Crash: Oh... would you really?
Cortex: Oooh... I'd probably do worse to him!
Crash: Ohhh... you sound like a man of your own words!
Cortex: I always am!!
Crash: Hehe! May I be excused? I gotta use the little girl's room!!
Cortex: Sure! It's five flights of stairs to the left!
Crash: Thanks!!!!
Crash begins running through the hallways!
Crash: Where's that secret room! I know he's gotta a secret room somewhere! Man… I can't believe all those things I said about myself!! Bad me… bad me! Oh, and I bet Cortex would do what he said to me if he found out Natilina was me!! Okay… secret room... secret room!
Crash comes to a doorway saying 'Secret Room'
Crash: Ah… here it is!!!
He barges in… and sees Dingodile right there!!
Dingodile: A-HA!!!! Caught ya!! I know what you were doin' mate!!!!
Crash: You… you do?
Dingodile: Yeah!!!!
Crash: Gulp!
Dingodile: You ran away from Cortex and you wanna come with
me instead!
Crash: Uh...
Dingodile: Yeah mate!! I'm betta' lookin' anyway!! I think you and I would be perfect soul mates!! You're quite a looka' Natilina!
Crash: Uh... hehehehe!
Dingodile: Sit by me sweetheart!
Crash: Uh… okay!
Crash(Natilina) and Dingodile sit side by side!
Dingodile: So... see any good movies lately mate!!?
Crash: Why yes!! I saw Big Momma's House!! It was divine!
Dingodile: Tell me about it - it sounds interestin'!
Crash: It's about Martin Lawrence dressed in drag... disguised as a con woman... and does all sorts of crap that make obese people funny!
Dingodile: Enough about da' movie... how about me!? Don't I look handsome!?
Crash: Well... first tell me one thing!
Dingodile: Sure suga' - what is it?
Crash: Is there any plans of Cortex taking over the world right now!?
Dingodile: Nah!! He's takin' a breatha'!
Crash: You mean… nothing!?
Dingodile: Yep - nothin'!
Crash: You telling the truth?
Dingodile: Yes! Believe me - if you like Cortex, although I think you like ‘im betta', would I lie to ya'?
Crash: I guess not!
Dingodile: I didn't think so!
Crash: (Thinking to himself) *Man! I dress in drag, talk like a girl, and even hit on Cortex and Dingodile... and for what!? Nothing!! I gotta get outta here!*
Dingodile: Hey... so tell me how I look?
Crash: I gotta go now!!
Dingodile: Hey - before ya' go, give me a kiss!
Crash: What!?
Dingodile: Kiss me ya' beautiful creata'!!
Crash: I uh...
It's too late - Dingodile grabs Crash (Natrina) and kisses him straight on the mouth!
Dingodile: Ya' a fine woman!!
Crash: Hehe… I gotta go now!!
Crash shuts the 'Secret Room' door behind him… and starts gagging!!
Crash: Ugh… now there's someone's lips I hope no one finds out I kissed!!
Cortex: (Calling from downstairs) Darling!! Are you back!? You've been gone for over fifteen minutes! Did you fall in?
Crash: No, I'm coming… *gulp*...sweetheart!
Tiny comes up behind Crash!
Tiny: Hey - does pretty lady wanna date with Tiny instead!?
Dingodile comes barging out.
Dingodile: No way - she's mine!!
Tiny: No… she Tiny's!
Dingodile: No… she kissed me!
Tiny: *Gasp* Me telling Cortex!!!
Dingodile: Ya' do and I'll burn ya' backside back to da' Stone Age!!
Tiny: Tiny like to see Dingodile burn Tiny's butt!
Dingodile: I could if me' flamethrowa' was here!
Crash: Boys - don't fight over me!! I must go now! Goodbye!!
Just then a gust of wind blows by and it blows Crash's sun hat right off. His red hairstyle is revealed!
Tiny: Hey… you ain't a lady!! You that bandicoot!
Crash: Whaddya mean?
Tiny: You Crash Bandicoot!!!
Cortex comes upstairs!!!
Cortex: What's going o...
Cortex soon sees that Crash was Natilina after the hat blew off.
Crash: Oh… hi sweetheart Cortex!!
Cortex: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tiny: Natilina ugly bandicoot! Tiny crush Crash!!
Crash: Um… I um...
Cortex: It's the end of the world you cross-dressing bandicoot!
Dingodile is still staring in disbelief! He then realised… that the girl he was kissing… was Crash!!
Tiny: Yeah... and Dingodile kiss bandicoot too!
Cortex: WHAT!?!?!?!?! You were hitting on my date before you realised she was a bandicoot!?
Dingodile: I uh...
Cortex: YOU BOTH DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cortex pulls out his ray gun and aims it at Crash and Dingodile!!!
Crash: I'm outta here!!!!
Cortex chases Crash down the hallway!!
Tiny: Hey… wait till gang hear about Dingodile kissing Crash!! They gonna laugh!
Dingodile: Oh botha'!
******************
Danni: Well... in conclusion, 'Big Momma's House' is a first hand look at how obesity can be easily be portrayed as funny… but African Americans!! It's not as funny as one might think, and this 'Nutty Professor' and 'Mrs. Doubtfire' concept is not enough to
make me laugh out loud to this!! It's not that funny and it's not very nice either!! A 2 Wumpa Rating!
Wumpa Rating: O O
Coco: I could have gave it worse!!
Darwin: Quiet - we no longer had you give out the rating, remeber?
Crash comes running in... with his drag dress torn.
Danni: So how'd it go Crash!!!?
Crash: Not too good - they found out!!!
Darwin: Well Crash… ya' do make a nice drag queen!
Crash: Shut up!
Coco: I knew it Crash!! They would have found out sooner or later!
Danni: So what's next mate?
Crash: Operation 'Big Momma' had failed!! It's time to use the Adam Sandler technique next time!!
Coco: Which is!?
Crash: Operation 'Big Daddy'!!
Darwin: Uh… well that concludes the review tonight… and see ya next week!
THE END!!
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