CRASH FILM REVIEWS - THE MUMMY RETURNS
Danni, Crash, Coco, and Darwin are driving a desert jeep through the Sahara Desert. They're all wearing safari clothing.
Danni: (Driving on the steering wheel) Um… welcome mummies and deadies... to another improbable review of...
CRASH FILM REVIEWS
Coco: (Looking at her map) Today we'll review the most recent special effects extravaganza. 'The Mummy Returns', the recent box office hit that's making as much gold as the tomb of Karnak.
Crash: Yeah... and no surprise there seeing how everyone knows the special effects are the real stars here.
Darwin: Yeah! And the movie stars Brendan Fraser, unfortunately, again. He and his wife have a son who has the Bracelet of Anubis on his wrist.
Coco: Yes, and the bracelet is said to lead the way to summon the Army of Anubis led by the Scorpion King; who is played by, strange but true, The Rock.
Darwin: (Laughing hysterically) Yeah… I mean Brendan Fraser and The Rock together in a movie. That formula's an ancient curse all by itself.
Coco: Yeah… so we decided to go straight to the source, and uncover the most puzzling and incomprehensible document hidden within.
Crash: You mean an ancient Egyptian scroll?
Coco: No - the script to this movie. We must find the reasons on why Brendan Fraser's in this movie; seeing how his acting is as desolate as this desert we're driving in. And we also must find out why the producers had the all powerful army of Anubis being led by a professional wrestler.
Darwin: Hoo boy! In that case… trying to unlock the secrets of the script could take days of research.
Coco: Oh by the way… since treasures like the Bracelet of Anubis and other hokey legendary Egyptian trash has been found in ancient tombs we too are going treasure hunting. I have a few treasures I'm just itching to find.
Danni: Like what?
Coco: Like the mascara of Nefertiti, the support hose of Isis, and the wonder bra of Cleopatra.
Crash: In your case Coco, those treasures MUST be found for your sake.
Darwin: Whateva'. Me, I'm in search of King Tut's blow comb, and Ramses' secret ancient stash of Popov.
As the gang get closer, they see the pyramids in the distance.
Crash: Ahoy... there they be!
Darwin: All right!! Let's get some treasa'... and that dangerous document.
Coco: Wait - we'll need Arabic guides.
Danni: Um… I’m afraid we can't do that.
Coco: Why not?
Danni: Well you see… after so many of them have been burned, eaten, and crushed in the past 'Mummy' movies, they got smart and decided to get better jobs. So uh, we're on our own.
Crash: Who cares - it's an ancient tomb. Shouldn't be that hard to unlock.
Darwin: Hold on a minute mate - what about mummies? And let's not forget those nasty flesh-eating scarabs.
Danni: Oh silly Darwin… you know those flesh-eating scarabs are just a Hollywood superstition. Besides, 'The Mummy Returns' is just a movie.
Crash: Well what about 'The Scorpion King?'
Danni: Don't worry. There's no such thing. Let's just get into that tomb and find what we're looking for.
Darwin: Okay… but if anything happens.
Danni: What could happen? **
**That's called foreshadowing kids. ^_^**
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So our later-day archaeologists start descending into the tomb; carrying flashlights and a sack of sandwiches, potato chips, and Capri sun drinks as their only means of survival. They descended into the dark eerie crypt, looking for the fabled artefacts that have been long undiscovered for many....
Crash: HEY!!!! The guy who's typing this review! Shut up and leave us alone. Stop the narration!!
Sorry - I was just...
Danni: Be quiet and get to the point!!!
So sorry... so anyway, they walked for a gruelling five minutes, until they rested in a dark eerie, barely lit centre of the tomb. Of course you all know what's gonna happen, so I'll let my pet cat write out the rest of this.
Crash: Hoo boy… archaeology sucks! Who's for palaeontology?
Danni: We'll decide later. Right now, we must find those ancient artefacts, those wondrous objects, and that fabled document...
Darwin: And those terrible curses.
Danni: Will you stop believing those hokey superstitions?
Coco: Speaking of which… in 'The Mummy Returns', the special effects are to deter you from understanding ACTUAL Egyptian mythology. And if you think we're messing with yer heads, just check out other reviews at a newsagent near you.
Crash: Yeah… and in this movie, it involves a double-deckered bus chase, hordes of scarabs and mummies, and of course… The Rock himself, changing into a frigging scorpion. And let's not forget those nasty jackal warriors of Anubis.
Dawin: Yeah! Those were some special effects all right. Now uh...we can't explain much about the actor's cause of their non-involvement with the plot. So let's just say this movie held some smashin' special effects.
Danni: Yes… but don't you mates stop to believe for a second that there are such things as living mummies, jackal warriors, or professional wrestlers turning into scorpions. Cause so far… we haven't seen a thing. So there's no such thing.**
**That's called logical arrogance kiddies. ^_^**
Just then, the fire goes out, and total darkness engulfs our heroes. Eerie noises fill the air as calls of moaning and screaming of tormented souls fill the air.
Darwin: AUUUGGHHH!! It's the curse!! Mummies, jackal warriors, Scorpion Kings… oh MY!!!
Coco: Crash, stop making those noises - yer scaring Darwin.
Crash: Sorry… but I scared ya didn't I Darwin?
Darwin: Very funny mate. (He turns on his flahslight, and sees a walking mummy with his flesh rotting right behind Crash.)
Crash: Hey Darwin - what are you starring at?
Darwin: M… m... m... m... mu… mu... mum...
Danni: Darwin, why are you calling for your mum… (Suddenly looking at the mummy behind Crash) ...MUMMY!!!!!!!
Crash: Oh your mom's here Danni?
Coco: No you idiot - there's an ancient Egyptian walking mummy corpse right behind your back!
Darwin: Too late to save him - let's just get outta here.
Darwin, Danni, and Coco run off screaming.
Crash: Okay guys - you can stop the joking around. I know you’re just pulling my legs. I bet ya you hired some guy to dress up as a huge mummy just to scare me right?
Crash feels a finger tap his shoulder. He turns around and is starring into the face of an undead mummy. The mummy roars into his face.
Crash: Phew... buddy, not only is your skin awful but so's your breath.
Mummy: (Speaking in Egyptian) I am an undead mummy… and I've come to eat your brains!
Crash: Get serious… that never works.
Mummy: You know my language?
Crash: Yeah - the subtitles below us are helping us out. So to make it easier, just speak in the best English ya can.
Mummy: Very well… as you wish.
Crash: Thanks.
Mummy: (Now speaking in a cheesy Pinstripe gangster type accent) Hey buddy… whatya doin' here in my tomb? Huh punk?
Crash: Whoa… now I've heard everything.
Mummy: (Pushing Crash) You think it's funny just to go waltzin' around here like you own the joint. I got news for ya pal - I'm gonna eat your face, brains, and any other fleshy exterior' of yer body… cause I'm one angry mummy.
Crash: And I'm one bandicoot who's gettin' outta here. (Crash runs away from the mummy and rejoins Coco and the others)
Coco: Phew… glad yer safe Crash.
Crash: No kiddin'. Hey - that guy you hired as the mummy is one good actor.
Danni: We didn't hire any actors.
Crash: You guys are puttin' me on. Danni, you know he wasn't real.
Danni: Well...
Darwin: Anyway Crash, before he finds us, check out what we found.
They pull out a golden chest in front of Crash.
Crash: Great Pharaoh’s ghost - you guys found treasure!!!
Coco: Wait - there's something written on it. I better use my language translator to figure it out. (Coco starts punching in the hieroglyphics) Okay, bird, stork, snake, water, and guy standing straight looking like he's doing the Macarena.
Everyone stares into Coco's translator as it comes into English. Danni reads it out loud.
Danni: It says "Do not open this chest! If you do, beware. It contains ancient documents that if read, will unleash terrifying curses into the world. And if you do, don't say I didn't warn you. It's Hell for you then."
Crash: Well… this must be where the script to the movie is. Now we'll be able to unlock the secrets on why The Rock and Brendan Fraser are in this movie.
Danni: Or possibly clues to other treasure, or a way to pick out better actors if they ever do 'The Mummy 3'.
Darwin: Time to start opening!
They open the lid, and Coco pulls out pieces of paper and starts reading them.
Crash: They look like scripts. We found them.
Danni: Careful Coco - these scripts are said to be cursed if you read from them.
Coco: I'll be careful. Now let's see. (Reading the scripts) 'Big Daddy 2'; 'Happier Gilmore', 'Billy Madison Returns', 'Revenge of The Water Boy', 'Little Nicky back from Hell'.
Darwin: DEAR GOD… THESE ARE ADAM SANDLER MOVIES!!!!
Crash: GAH!! That writing was right!! If these were made into actual movies, even stupider movies would be unleashed onto the world!!
Danni: No wonder it was sealed off!!!
Coco: You think that's bad - I'm reading more. They've chosen Brendan Fraser for the sequel to 'The Water Boy' to be the new coach.
Darwin: NO!!! DON'T READ ANYMORE!!! OR THESE CURSES WILL BE UNLEASHED ONTO THE WORLD!!!
Just then, a huge door opens up behind them. They stare up, and see a large burly man dressed as an Egyptian, with a scorpion chest plate, and... Ah… you already know its The Scorpion King.
Crash: Oh no! It's the Scorpion King!!!
Darwin: We're doomed!
Scorpion King: YEAH!! DO YA ALL SMELELELELELEELELELEL WHAT THE SCORPION KING IS COOKIN'!?!?!?
Danni: Oh no… and he talks too!
Coco: Yer really the Scorpion King?
Scorpion King: DAMN RIGHT!! I AM THE SCORPION KING - DESCENDANT OF THE LIZARD KING, THE LION KING, THE LOS ANGELES KING, AND THE BURGER KING!!! I'M HERE TO RELEASE MY ARMY OF ANUBIS!!!
Danni: Yeah right!! Where is this all powerful army of anubis?
Scorpion King: RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!! (A bunch of Jackal warriors appear behind Scorpion King.) KILL THEM, AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE CAUSE THE SCORPION KING SAYS SO!!!
Crash: Guys - now would be a good time to run.
Darwin: Ditto!!
The four travellers run away from the jackal warriors led by their leader and champ wrestler, the Scorpion King.
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Crash and the others run out of the tomb, and head straight for the jeep as the army pursues them.
Darwin: So Danni - no such thing as this stuff huh?
Danni: I was only bein' logical, so sue me!!!
They hop into the car, and then drive off with the army catching up to them!!! Just then, they see another army on the horizon!!
Coco: What the...?
Scorpion King: OH DAMN!!!! IT'S THE COCKROACH PRINCE!!!!
Cockroach Prince ~ Aptly played by Howard Stern.
Cockroach Prince: Yeah, I'm the prince. How do ya like that? I got my army of cat warriors behind me to kick yer filthy jackal warriors’ behinds.
Scorion King: EAT MY SHORTS!! YER GOIN' DOWN ROACH!! WARRIORS! FORGET THE JEEP!!! KILL THE ARMY OF STERN!!!
Both armies, the jackal warriors and cat warriors, run towards each other and start fighting. Crash and the others get away in their jeep. But then, another army is seen charging towards the two battling armies.
Scorion King: WHAT The...?
Cockroach Prince: Oh darn - it's an even stronger army. It's lead by… *gulp* …The Dung Beetle Duke.
Dung Beetle Duke ~ Professionally played by Tom Green.
Dung Beetle Duke: AWWWWOOWOWOWOWOWOWO!!! I'M THE DUKE!!! YEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!! NOW I SHALL KILL YOU ALL WITH MY ARMY OF TRAINED RATS AND DUNG BEETLES!!! YOU ALL WILL DIE!!!! ARRROOWOWOWOWOWO!!!!
So for many hours, the three armies lead by incredibly stupid people battled for hours. The jeep speeds away leaving the armies battling in an orgy of blood, gore, and other dirty tactics used in hockey.
Danni: Well… in conclusion 'The Mummy Returns' is a good time thrill ride where you can sit back and enjoy the special effects without having to worry about the characters, or the pesky ol' plot getting in the way. There’s lots of action and fun. And if you can stand grotesque mummies or Brendan Fraser's acting, whichever scares you the most… you'll love this thrill ride of special effects. So we give 'The Mummy Returns' a three wumpa rating.
Wumpa Rating: O O O
Cradh: Ya know… we never did find out why those two were casted.
Coco: Danni just said it Crash. Special effects make it so the audience doesn't care.
Darwin: And we didn't find any treasure.
Crash: No way. Check out what I found!!! (Crash holds up a shiny jewel thing.)
Coco: Wow! Wait a minute... That's a scarab!!
The scarab hatches and everyone starts panicking in the jeep.
Danni: Ergh… argh… tune in next week… if we're still alive… when we'll review more new movies. Until then… cheerio mates!! ARGH! CRASH! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD AND FORGET THE SCARAB!!!
Crash: AUGH!!!! THE SCARAB CRAWLED UP MY SPINE!! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
Danni: Darwin, get the tongs.
THE END.
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