CRASH FILM REVIEWS - ROAD TRIP
Crash and the gang are driving on the road in the U.S.
Darwin: Hello there and welcome to...
CRASH BANDICOOT FILM REVIEWS
Crash: Today we review the new comedy' Road Trip', starring one of the most recent comedic sensations in America, Tom Green.
Darwin: One thing about Tom Green is he really likes to annoy the guts out of people! Sorta like the ninety's version of Andy Kauffman.
Danni: Of course… I don't give a rat's behind anyway about him! The whole flick was stupid the whole way through!! You have your basic elements for movies like this to please the audience: Sex, foul language, cheap laughs, and toilet humour.
Coco: And let me just say...
Crash: Oh no you don't sis!! You made a promise that you wouldn't review the Tom Green movie!! We know what you think, but we don't want you to trash this movie!
Danni: But either way it was bloody dumb!
Darwin: The main plot consists of four idiots travelling cross-country from Ithica to Austin, while making pit stops, that has them lose their virginity, get drunk and stoned, and do incredibly stupid stuff for no reason!
Crash: Well as for us, we ourselves are on the road to get some incite! See - Coco recently wanted to quit this job... but taking her on the road will change her opinion of movie reviewing!
Coco: It wouldn't change my opinion of 'Road Trip'!
Darwin: It was either 'Road Trip' or that new dull Woody Allen movie 'Small Time Crooks'!! There's a stinker if there ever was one!
Crash: Hey look - a hitchhiker!!
A man in a green sweater and brown pants waits as the gang's car stops!
Crash: Need a lift?
Man: Yeah. Take me to Austin!
Crash: HEY - you're Tom Green.
Man: No, I'm... Hulio Fernando!! Me no know Tom Green señor!
Crash: SURE!!! Hop on!
Coco: Oh Crash, don't pick up any hitchhikers!
Crash: Come on now - I bet he's nice!!
Man: I'll be good! I swear!!
Darwin: Climb aboard mate!!!
Man: Thanks!!!
The man hops on board the small mini van and the gang drives off!
Danni: Well anyway… as we were saying, Road Trip is full of insolent toilet humour, that makes you wonder who made this awful flick!
Crash: I thought it was funny!
Coco: What would you know about good movies Crash!!! I remember the last review!!!
The man then pulls out a loudspeaker and turns it to MAX. He then speaks into it.
Man: AAAAAAAAAAAAUYUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Coco: Augh!! Cut that out!!
Crash: HEY! You ARE Tom Green.
Man: YYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crash: Wow!! Our first celebrity… in our own mini van!!!!
Darwin: And while we review his movie at the same time!! How did you do it Mr. Green?
Tom Green: Huh?
Darwin: How did you make the movie 'Road Trip'!?
Danni: Yes, what were you thinking?
Tom Green: Well... I decided to let creativity expand in kid's minds! So I hired a group of twelve years, bought and hour and thirty minutes worth of film, and a camera! Then, I asked the twelve year olds to make a movie!! And this is what they came out with!! PURE GENIUS!!!!!!!!!
Coco: You call that genius!?!? It was stupid!! And... WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO PURA!?!?!?!!
Tom Green: Aaaauuuuuccckckckckckauauauvkk. I'm licking the cat. Aaauauucucucckkckccucckckckc.
Pura: Coco, make him stop licking me!
Coco: Stop licking my cat!!!
Tom Green: I haven't even got to yours yet!!
Coco: OH... YOU SICK MORON!!!!!!!
Darwin: Ha ha! This guy can be a riot sometimes!!
Tom Green: Lemme drive!!!
Crash: Okay!!
Danni: Crash, I wouldn't...
But it's too late! Crash let's Tom Green take the wheel.
Tom Green: (Steering wildly) AAAAAUUUGGHHH!!! I'M DRIVING!!! AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coco: CRASH, HE'S GONNA GET US KILLED!!!!
Crash: Whoa... slow down Tom!!!!
Tom Green: I CAN'T - THE WHEEL CONTROLS ME!!! MY HANDS ARE STUCK!! THEY'RE FORCING ME TO DRIVE LIKE THIS!!!! AAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!
Danni: Shut up and drive normal!!!!!!
Tom Green: I TRY... BUT I CAN'T!!!! AAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Coco: Oh no! We're in the left lane!!!!!!
Danni: Mr. Green... stop!!!!!!
Tom Green: I CAN'T!!!! I'M STUCK TO THE WHEEL!!! I CANNOT LET GO!!!! THE WHEEL CONTROLS ME!!!! AAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Darwin: Blinkin’ eck!! A mactruck's heading straight for us!!!!
Coco: UGH!! PLEASE GREEN!! THE JOKE'S OVER!! PLEASE!!! STOP!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!
Tom Green: NO!!! THE WHEEL HAS ME IN ITS POWER!! WE DIE!!!! AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
Coco: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Danni: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Darwin: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Crash: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
Just as the mini van is about to collide with the truck, Tom Green swerves the mini van back onto the right lane before they crash!!!
Tom Green: I'M FREE!!!!!! I'M FREE FROM THE WHEEL!!!!!!!!
Crash: STEER!!!
Tom Green: NO!!! THE WHEEL WILL CONTROL ME AGAIN!!!
Darwin: But no one's driving the car!!!
Tom Green: Let the car go where it pleases! It is free now!!
Tom Green folds his arms as the car begins to continue down the road without anyone steering!!! Crash immediately jumps in to steer the wheel!
Crash: Okay... that's enough!!!
Darwin: Aww crikey - we ran outta gas!!!
Tom Green: Not me!!! (Tom Green makes a bad smell)
Danni: Ewww!! That stinks worse than anything I’ve smelled!
Darwin: ERGH!! Pull over to that service station!!
They pull over to the service station and pull the car over to the side of a pump!!!
Danni: Gotta get out and stretch me legs!!
Crash: Me too!
Coco: Yeah!! Man I hate this trip more than I hate that movie!!
Darwin: And this bloody Tom Green guy is annoying the guts outta me!! I vote we don't take him any further!!
Tom Green butts his butt on Darwin's head!!
Tom Green: My bum is on the dingo, my bum is on the dingo!
Darwin: Get the heck off!
Tom Green puts his butt on Pura's back!!
Tom Green: My bum is on the tiger, the little bitty tiger!!
Pura: Coco… make the nasty Canadian go away!!!
Coco: I wish he would!!!
Tom Green puts his butt on Crash!!
Tom Green: My bum is on the bandicoot! My bum is on the bandicoot!!!!
Coco: Enough with that stupid song!!!!! Get a life you...
Tom Green puts his butt in Coco's face!
Tom Green: My bum is on the skank!! YEAH!! The slutty skank who likes to whore for twenty bucks!!!!!!!!
Coco: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!! MAN I HATE THIS GUY!!!!
Crash: Well I guess we leave him here!!
Tom Green: Hey fellas!! Look what I found!!!
Tom Green carries a dead rabbit in his hand!!
Tom Green: Let's feed it to the kitty!! Here kitty - unccy Tom's gotta nice rabbit for you!!
Pura: NO! I don't wanna eat the rabbit!! Leave me alone!!!
Tom Green: You're a tiger! You love rabbits! Eat it!! BE A REAL TIGER!!!!
Pura: No!!! Go away please!!!!
Tom Green: EAT IT!!!!!! EAT THE RABBIT!!!!!!!
Crash: Geez… leave poor Pura alone!!!
Coco: Yeah!!!
Darwin: Well I'm back!! I got a twelve pack of Pepsi One!!!!
Tom Green: Did somebody say Pepsi One!?!?!? MINE!!!!!!!
Tom Green takes the twelve pack from Darwin's hands and opens all the cans up at once!!! He pours all of the Pepsi all over his face while making real gross sounds!!!
Darwin: That is disgusting!
Danni: Well... overall, 'Road Trip' is a real dumb flick with cheap laughs, the same formula for a summer hit comedy, and the usual gang of morons that star in it!! The overall rating...
Tom Green: A 5 Wumpa Fruit flick!!!!!!
Tom's Rating: O O O O O
Danni: HEY!!! This is our show, not yours!!
Tom Green: THE MOVIE WAS GOOD!! YOU DON'T KNOW REAL COMEDY!!!!!!!!!!!
Danni: Well here's my REAL review of it... a lousy 1 Wumpa Fruit rating.
Danni's Rating: O
Coco: Well said!! This movie should be voted dumbest movie of the year!!!!! Nothing could save its idiotic plot or comedy!!!!!
Crash: Hey guys… where's our car!!!!!?
They look back to see that Tom Green had stolen their car and is driving around the lot with his megaphone, as he yells out of it!!
Tom Green: AAAAAAUUUUUUUGHGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Crash: Gah!!!! He won't stop screaming!!!
Coco: Let's end this stupid review and take the darn quiz!!!!!
Darwin: Remind me to punch Crash for picking Tom Green up!!!
Danni: I sure will!!
THE END
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