SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK
Episode 1 – First Triumph Then Tragedy
Scene: Panama City, Florida
Music: WWF – Kurt Angle’s theme ("Medal")
The camera was zooming through the streets in this town towards its destination…
Voice: For every hero there was a creator. For every villain there was a beginning. For every event there was a cause of action in which started it all. This… this is how it all began…
The camera zoomed through a school window where a batch of children was in a lecture. Then it approached one of those pupils.
(The music stops and Boy 1 sounds like Gohan from Dragonball Z)
Boy 1: (thinks) What will come of my future? The worries are in my head…
The boy next to him slapped him on the face. Before the other tried to speak, he was stopped.
[Boy 2 sounded like Alex D Linz (from “Home Alone 3”)]
Boy 2: Shhhhhh. They’re going to announce the Pupil Of The Year award.
Boy 1: (boringly) Thanks Gary…
(The head sounds like Tina Turner)
Head: Right. This year’s star pupil always goes to the hardest working pupil in the school. This year is no exception as we had so many putting in their effort…
Gary looked excited while the other boy didn’t even bother.
Head: And this year’s pupil of the year iiiiiiis… (opens the envelope) Why… It goes to Neo Cortex!
There was a wild applause from the other pupils.
Gary: That’s you! Go ahead and claim the prize!
Neo: But… I’m a bit shy.
Gary: Don’t be chicken! Be a brave fox and make us proud!
And so he did go up onto the stage to collect the trophy.
Head: Congratulations, young man. I hope you had a great time in your last year at elementary school and are looking forward to high school come 2 months time!
(Bell rings)
Head: There goes the bell. I hope you kids have a great summer vacation! Play safe!
(The children dash outside and the camera is focused on Neo roller-skating through the city. At the same time the title and opening credits run alongside Pet Shop Boys – “It’s A Sin”. When the song finishes, the scene quickly changes to outside a nearby high school.)
An older girl was seen looking down with disappointment and leaning on the walls of the school. Soon enough Neo came and approached her very quickly.
Neo: Hey Hallie! What’s up?
The girl still looked down and sighed.
Neo: What’s the matter? Surely something’s troubling you…
Hallie: It’s true. (sighs) I failed my final exam, and I’ll never get a job.
Neo: Cheer up – there are still the others…
Hallie: I failed them too.
Neo: Dear oh dear… I feel so sorry for you… At least you can still be a big help and try some private tuition…
Hallie: But it’s too expensive and we aren’t doing too well when it comes to good jobs. You and Lio are our only hopes.
Neo: We’ll see about that come the next few years. Until then, how about I take you for a ride home?
[Music changes – Wannadies – “You And Me Song” (Chorus)]
Neo and Hallie were seen skating home together, pulling off stunts. Soon enough, they approached their home – an old, small flat – and went in as the music stopped.
Neo and Hallie: HEY GUYS – WE’RE HOME!
There was silence. 3 other people were in the room looking down.
Neo: Let me guess – another case of Down’s syndrome.
Hallie: (sarcastically) Very funny. I’ll run through you all one by one. Lio?
Lio: Look what happened to me at football… (reveals a missing eyeball)
Neo: Pass the sick bag! Please try and cover it up…
Lio: OK. (brushes his fringe over it)
Hallie: That is something I shouldn’t wake up to… Tiko?
Tiko: Lio earned that missing eye because of a nuclear explosion. When I came to help him out, look at what it caused… (shows a tail)
Neo: You have a tail? That’s positive!
Hallie: Maybe in some cases, but coolness isn’t everything. Deksta?
Deksta: I have 2 bits of bad news here. One is that I was fired…
Hallie: Neo and Lio will sort that out soon… YOU’RE FIRED?!? What could you do wrong?
Deksta: I’ll tell you later. The second thing is more serious. Our parents are dead in a recent car crash.
Neo: You… (sniffs) …what… (starts crying)
Hallie: Chill, please…
Deksta: And we have to leave this place tomorrow because no one is organized enough to look after one another.
Neo: (sniffs) It can’t get any worse…
Hallie: Here, let me take you upstairs. (takes Neo upstairs)
5 MINUTES LATER, IN THE PARENTS’ BEDROOM
[Music restarts – Coldplay – “Trouble” (Instrumental)]
Both kids were sitting on the double bed with a big discussion…
Hallie: Listen – We didn’t expect this to happen.
Neo: I didn’t either. (sighs and looks down) We’re doomed…
Hallie: No we’re not – Tiko has ordered for an orphanage we can stay in until one of us is properly educated and gets a good job.
Neo: (faintly) Yeah, like me or Lio…
Hallie: It doesn’t matter about that right now. For now we have a good home to come on our hands. (leaves the room)
Neo: (looks up to the ceiling, still stunned, and whispers) What will become of my future now? Will it be… (gulps) short-lived?
************************************************************
Episode 2 – Crocodile Tears
Scene: Outside a homeless shelter in Panama City
Music: Honeyz – “Not Even Gonna Trip” (Instrumental)
Four of the siblings were outside waiting for their call…
Deksta: There she is… our future home.
Hallie: This looks a bit… you know… empty… but at least it should do until we get a real home.
Neo: I don’t know…
Lio: What do you mean you don’t blinkin’ know? Look – this is the only place in town that we can get into.
Neo: More like the ONLY orphanage in town…
Hallie: Take it easy, guys – we’ll be in there faster than you can say… faster than you can say… (sighs) Forget it!
INSIDE
(Music changes – WWF – Chris Jericho’s theme)
Tiko was discussing business with the manager…
Tiko: What do you mean I can’t come in?
[The manager has a voice like Bob The Builder (!)]
Manager: Look – the only way you guys can come in is to wait for someone to come out.
Tiko: How old is the oldest?
Manager: They all range from birth to 40.
Tiko: But we need a place to live! We had to move out, and we need shelter so badly!
Manager: Since you put it that way, I can offer you a place…
Tiko: YES!
Manager: In 2 weeks’ time.
Tiko: 2 WEEKS’ TIME? But… we’ll be all dead by then!
Manager: If that’s the case, enjoy life while you can, unless you have $100 per person.
Tiko: But all I’ve got here is $53…
Manager: So if you’re so poor, then I guess you should leave.
Tiko: But… (sighs) Damn you! (heads outside)
OUTSIDE
(Music stops)
Tiko came out through the front doors…
Tiko: Sorry guys – unless we have $500 there is no way we can go in. (sighs) It’s my fault for picking the wrong home…
Deksta: No it’s not – Neo said that it’s the only homeless shelter in town, so it’s not YOUR fault – it’s mine. I wish I didn’t get fired… then we’ll still be home…
Hallie: Take it all back – it’s my fault for failing all of my final exams…
Lio: None of you guys sent us into this deadly situation! What I’m trying to mean is that… IT’S ALL NEO’S FAULT!
Neo: Huh?
Lio: You tend to give us advice… now you lead us to our downfall and you’ve given the Cortex family a bad name!
Neo: But I was just trying to help…
Lio: Help schmelp – KILL HIM!
[Music changes – Offspring – “Original Prankster” (Instrumental)]
Neo tried to dash away from his troubled siblings, but Lio approached him with some ooze, sticking him down onto the floor. Then Hallie drew out a whip and started pinning him down with it. Next, Deksta got a buzzer from out of her backpack and shocked him unconscious. Finally, Tiko came running and kicked him into a nearby river, drifting downstream.
(Music stops)
Tiko: (laughs) So long, kid! It’s been NASTY knowing you!
The rest of the crew laughed.
LATER, IN A SEWER AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CITY
A crocodile was seen sitting on the banks of the sewer, fishing…
(The crocodile sounds like Stone Cold Steve Austin)
Crocodile: (sings) We-e-e-eeeeeeeell, well it’s the Big Show… (stops singing) What the…
The line started to shake. Upon that reaction, he reeled it out of the water, showing Neo on the hook…
Crocodile: A boy? Crikey…
[Music restarts – Bryan Adams – “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” (Instrumental)]
He helped him onto the bank and put him near a nearby campfire. Then there was a slight revival – both eyes opened slightly slowly, and he managed to sit up.
Neo: (faintly) Excuse me sir…
Crocodile: Sir? (faces Neo) Oh! I’m glad to see you alive and well!
Neo: I would like to thank you for saving my life, Mr… Mr…
Crocodile: The name’s Gator. Snappy Gator.
Neo: Hi. I’m Neo Cortex.
They shook hands.
Snappy: You seem pretty lucky. How did you get in there?
Neo: It’s a long story!
Snappy: I’ve got time.
Neo: OK, it all started when…
A FEW MINUTES LATER
Neo: And after the shock I never knew anything.
Snappy: Maybe you were pushed into the river or something.
Neo: You could be right… but no matter what, I must – earn – revenge… (tries to stand up)
Snappy: Stay down – if you want to fight your own siblings, then you have another thing coming.
Neo: But Snappy…
Snappy: We need you to regain strength. (wraps a blanket around him) If you want to fight your brothers, then I guess you need full energy for it.
Neo: (lies down) Good point. (yawns) I’m hoping to kill them off with a bang… (closes his eyes) The harder the better…
Snappy: (thinks) Just you think – he’ll be exterminated – just you wait and see. And that’s the bottom line ‘cause Snappy Gator says so.
***********************************************************
Episode 3 – Abandoned And Thrashed
Scene: The streets of Panama City
Music: Sasha and Emerson – “Scorchio”
Hallie and Deksta are seen here taking out corporal punishment…
Deksta: Come on Hallie – Kill her!
The girls were seen fighting against a female wolverine with a cub in its mouth. With great speed and agility, she evaded the attacks from Hallie’s whip.
Hallie: I can’t do it… she’s too fast!
Deksta: Let me sort it out!
She got her pistol out and started firing towards the wolverine, which still evades the attack, but is also getting tired out. The battle continues towards a river…
Hallie: OK, so if you’re slightly better, how about you send her to oblivion…
Deksta: Let me rephrase that – how about we BOTH send her to oblivion!
Hallie: Hey – yeah!
Hallie charged in with the whip at one side and Deksta had her buzzer at the other. Then they both attacked at the same time and sent her and the cub flying into the river.
(Music stops)
Deksta: Ha! Serves ya right for picking a fight with us!
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE SEWERS
(Music restarts – Theme from “Courage The Cowardly Dog”)
Neo and Snappy were seen on the banks of the sewer fishing.
Neo: I know why you do this activity, just for getting food, but – fishing – in a sewer? You’re kidding, right?
Snappy: It’s a way of life. Get used to it.
Neo: But how can I get used to it when what we’ll get at the end of our rods is nothing but toxic sludge?
Snappy: That’s when you’re wrong…
Neo: What are you meaning by –
[Music changes – Ed Case – “Something In Your Eyes” (Intro instrumental)]
Neo: Hang on – my line… it’s shaking…
Snappy: Told ya you can catch something down here! Reel it in!
And so he did, and he pulled out the wolverine cub, causing him to scream.
Snappy: HOLY COW!!!
Neo: (pulls the cub off the hook) I hope he’s still alive… (lays him on the floor)
Snappy: (sighs) If there’s any way that that cub could come down here he might have been tossed in here.
Neo: Good thought.
(Music stops)
As they spoke, the cub started to regain consciousness. Opening both eyes, the first thing it saw was Snappy.
Snappy: Take it easy, little fella – we won’t bite!
The cub bit him hard on the finger and started crying.
Snappy: OW!!!!!!! MY PINKIE!!!!!!! (kisses it better)
Neo: There’s no need to worry about that now – this cub here needs sorting out… (picks the cub up and cuddles him) Take it easy – everything’s gonna be alright…
[Music restarts – Madonna – “Don’t Tell Me” (Instrumental)]
The cub jumped out onto the banks of the sewer and started performing a series of actions.
Snappy: What’s he doing – playing Taboo?
Neo: (punches him) Look – he’s in desperate need, like we all are. (turns back to the cub ) Could you repeat that more slowly, please?
First he played dead…
Neo: Someone’s killed… Who did it?
Then he put his head fur into a ponytail.
Snappy: Looks like a girl killed him…
Finally, he picked a rag off the floor, put it on like a dress and pretended to clean the place up…
Neo: It’s not him – her! Some girl killed his mother!
Snappy: I know – it’s Debbie Harry!
Neo: (punches him again) Get real.
The cub started bouncing up and down, with anxiety and tears in the eyes…
Neo: I don’t know if I’m much help, but… (gets out a photo album) The only two girls I know in which would dare to do that… (turns to a photo of Hallie and Deksta) …are my sisters…
The cub growled madly, took the photo out and destroyed it.
Neo: Looks like we found the culprits…
Snappy: And a double act! Now is not only a good time to get revenge on killing his mama, but it’s also a good time to get revenge on what they did to you last night!
Neo: That was exactly what I was thinking! (turns to the cub ) Thanks for telling us that… er… what’s your name?
The cub shrugged.
Snappy: He doesn’t have one.
Neo: If that’s the case, we’ll give him one!
They both look around the cub to see if they can find a suitable name. One thing that did catch their eye is the solid boron (as opposed to gold) chain around his neck.
Neo: I’ve a good idea – how about we call him Boron.
The cub smiled.
Snappy: Looks like he likes it.
Neo: And it looks like we’re going to like a taste of Tiko’s medicine! Come on – let’s go!
The trio left the sewers towards the busy streets of the city…
***********************************************************
Episode 4 – Boron’s Fury
Scene: The back streets of Panama City
Music: Kelis – “Caught Out There” (Instrumental)
Our crew were seen hunting for Boron’s mother’s killer, who is still crying…
Neo: Take it easy… not everything lasts forever…
Snappy: Aw, come on – can’t you think of anything else?
Neo: What do you mean?
Snappy: Look – there has to be another way to keep him quiet!
Neo: Like, what does it look like – Me putting him to sleep?
Snappy: Not really, but you get the picture…
Boron starts laughing.
Snappy: What do you think you’re laughin’ at?
Boron continued laughing.
Snappy: I’ll soon find out… (puts some boxing gloves on) I’m gonna bop you one, kid…
He charges towards the cub, but misses and trips up into some trash cans.
Neo: (rushes up to him) Snappy… are you alright?
Snappy: (dizzily) I’m gonna kid you one, bop… (collapses)
Neo: Darn… (looks at him, but then at the ground) Hang on…
Boron rushed up to him, while Snappy slowly got back on his feet.
Snappy: Ouch… (rubs his back) What have you found this time?
Neo: It’s some sort of footprint…
Snappy: (sarcastically) Oh yeah… any old footprint. That won’t lead us anywhere!
Neo: Are you sure, because I think I can recognise the trainer pattern, the humongous size and the brand anywhere.
Snappy: Any one can do that…
Neo: And look! The culprit left the trail through there… (points at a broken part of a wooden fence)
Snappy: Are you sure it’s your girls… (looks at Neo) Or is it someone who ran away from home?
Neo: I didn’t run away...
Boron started growling at the footprint and started following the trail.
Snappy: I guess you’re right…
Neo: See? (turns to Boron) Hey, wait for us! You don’t know the way around these back streets…
Both of them started following Boron to the crew…
A FEW MINUTES LATER
(Music changes – Theme from “The Pink Panther”)
The gang were in the darkest parts of the streets…
Neo: Creepy.
Snappy: You can say that again.
Neo: Creep…
[Music changes – Cardigans – “My Favourite Game” (Instrumental)]
Before he could say anything else, he was then given an electric shock and started squealing. After the shock, he didn’t look too healthy…
Snappy: Are you all right, kid?
Neo: (dizzily) Never felt better… (collapses)
Boron started growling madly.
Voice: So… you want to take us on, eh?
Snappy: Look – I don’t know who you are, but… (sighs sngrily) THIS IS GONNA GET REALLY UGLY!
The person with the voice came out of the darkness, revealing herself as Deksta. Upon that sight, Boron started barking right at her.
Deksta: What do you think you’re playing at?
Snappy: Er… Tiddlywinks?
Boron scratched Snappy on the foot.
Snappy: (screams) THAT HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deksta: Come on out and take care of these challengers!
The other siblings came out from out of the trashcans. Upon that, Boron barked even madder at Hallie.
Snappy: Take it easy…
Boron immediately dashed straight towards them.
Snappy: We’re dead… the cub doesn’t stand a chance…
But to some surprise, he knocked all four of the siblings into the sky!
(Music stops)
Hallie: That cub’s got power…
Deksta: At least we’ve learnt one lesson – never mess with a mother and its baby again!
Lio: Any ideas for next time?
Tiko: I have one, but I’ll explain it when we come doooooooown… (fades)
They ended up further away, at the other side of the city.
[Music restarts – David Gray – “Babylon” (Instrumental)]
Snappy: WOW! You were amazing!
Boron started dashing again, this time towards Neo. Once there, he started licking him on the face…
Neo: Hey… stop… cut it out! (picks up Boron) Great job!
Boron: (smiles) WHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Snappy: Well, now that those guys are gone, I guess we can rest easy.
Neo: But I bet THEY will be out for revenge next.
Snappy: So how come we fought them, then?
Neo: If we didn’t fight them, then they’ll try and take over the city.
Snappy: I should have known… a very close call! Oh well… how about we go for a bit of R and R until they next mess with us?
The gang headed back home, where we leave them until the next mission in the story…
***************************************************************
Episode 5 – The Next Parody
Scene: The back streets of Panama City
Neo was seen here searching through the trash cans for food…
Neo: (sings) Tragedy, when the feeling’s gone and you can’t go wrong it’s tragedy… (stops singing) What the…
There was a peculiar item in the trash. As he pulled it out, he became more curious…
Neo: Barbwire? I don’t get it…
As he tugged it out of the trash, he saw a trail of it leading further into the city.
Neo: And who would want to do something like that?
He started following it through the city - through the heavy road traffic, along the streets, through an Abba concert…
Neo: (sings along to the concert) You are the dancing queen…
…and through the backstage door, where he saw a nasty surprise…
Neo: (gasps) Someone’s gonna kill me!
Right in front of him was a bomb. He walked right towards it and saw a handwritten message saying, “Your days are numbered” and the timer was on 10 minutes.
Neo: I can recognise that handwriting anywhere… The others MUST know about this!
And he headed back through the Abba concert…
Neo: (steals a camera off a hippie and takes a picture of Abba) Clear and perfect! (tosses the camera back at the hippie)
Hippie: Thank you!
…into the streets and onto the roads, where he climbed back into the sewers…
MEANWHILE, AT THE SEWERS
[Music changes – Melanie C and Lisa Left-Eye Lopes – “Never Be The Same Again” (Instrumental)]
Snappy was seen here teaching Boron how to fish…
Snappy: And you put the sinker there… Are you paying attention?
Boron: YEAH! YEAH!
Snappy: Well put the sinker there, then!
As Snappy turned his back, Boron looked confused and scratched his head.
[Music changes – Sweet Female Attitude – “Flowers” (Instrumental)]
Neo: (from somewhere else in the sewers) GUYS!
Snappy: (gasps) Wow – have you caught a deer in those trash cans?
Soon enough, Neo arrived where Snappy and Boron were, panting madly.
Neo: Bad news… (puffs) We’re nearly dead meat… (wheezes)
Snappy: Take it easy, Cortie…
Neo: Cortie… I like the sound of that! Anyway, back to business. I found this bomb in the back allies, and I can see that Tiko has threatened to destroy everyone and everything in the city!
Snappy: (gasps) YOU WHAT?!?
Boron screamed.
Neo: Come on – we don’t have time to lose!
Snappy: We’re right behind you!
The gang dashed out of the sewers towards the bomb…
**********************************************************
Episode 6 – Paradise Lost
Scene: The streets of Panama City
Our heroes are seen dashing towards the bomb – and that meant going through the traffic, through the Abba concert…
Snappy: (sings) Mamma Mia, here I go again…
Neo: (points at a girl) That’s my cousin!
Snappy: (points at Anna Fried) That’s my idol!
…and out backstage, where they found the target.
Snappy: So… this is where the trail ends.
[Music starts – Afro Medusa – “Pasilda” (Instrumental)]
Voice: And here’s where the trouble begins!
Boron screamed.
Snappy: Who said that?
Neo: I know that voice…
Tiko jumped out of the shadows with his siblings with cruel smiles.
Neo: I’ve got one question for you – why do you want to destroy your hometown?
Tiko: The people in this city are dumb nuts, like you guys are!
Snappy: Look – not all people are “dumb nuts” – There’s Abba having a concert in the building next to you…
Lio: Abba’s pathetic.
Neo: (looks at Snappy) Why did you say that?
Snappy: Er… because I think they’re good people.
Boron sighed.
Tiko: Moving on to the bomb behind you, I bet you can never escape its blast in 2 minutes, when it goes off!
Neo: (gasps) That’s it! Boron, try and disable the bomb… (looks around) Boron?
Boron was seen cowering behind a trashcan.
Neo: OK… (turns to Snappy) How about YOU disabling the bomb?
Snappy: I’ll try!
Deksta: Oh no you’re not, scale face!
She performs a high jump and when she landed she pinned Snappy onto the floor.
Neo: Look – no girl messes with him! (clinches his fists)
Tiko: May I advise you to GIVE IT UP? You’ve got 90 seconds on the clock, and it takes 20 to reset the bomb!
Neo: (sighs angrily) Snappy! Kick out!
Snappy kicked Deksta in the groin and rolled to one side. Then he charged into her, knocking her onto the backstage door.
Deksta: Ouch…
Snappy: (laughs) The bomb’s mine!
But as he was about to reset it, Hallie attacked him with the whip, knocking him down to the floor…
Neo: OI! No girl picks with him! Come here…
But sooner enough, Boron leapt out from behind the trashcans and charged her into Deksta. After the attack, he was panting like mad and growling angrily…
Neo: (rushes to Snappy and helps him up) Are you all right?
Snappy: Just a muscle stretch, but it’s nothing personal.
Tiko: I am warning you guys that the bomb will go off in 45 seconds, so you’d best be quick!
Snappy: Yeah, like, as quick as the fact that I will do this to you right now…
He tried to punch Tiko, but misses him and hits Lio over to the girls.
Neo: Why did you do that?
Snappy: At least it’s better than nothin’.
Tiko: You have 30 seconds to escape from the blast…
Neo: Blast? What blast? I bet you’ll never see it!
Tiko: Well, what WOULD I be seeing?
Snappy: You’ll be seeing stars! Get here, guys…
The others came towards Snappy and performed a triple (as proposed to double) team attack on Tiko, sending him towards his other siblings. Then Boron came in with another tackle and blasted them into the sky.
(Music stops)
Hallie: At least they’re doomed for sure!
Deksta: How much time left?
Tiko: 15 seconds!
Lio: Seems like we’re the lucky ones heeeeere… (fades)
They went clear over the horizon.
Neo: And stay away from us, you good-for-nothing-excuse-for-a-big-brother!
Snappy: Yeah, but please take note of the little amount of time on the bomb.
Neo: What?
[Music changes – Intro music for “Final Fantasy VIII” (Instrumental)]
Snappy: The timer says that there’s 10 seconds left!
Neo: But what are we going to do about the other people? And Abba?
Snappy: Mamma Mia was their last song, so they might have gone by the time those siblings were gone. Now there’s 5 seconds left on the clock – what do you want to do – risk your life to save others and if we’re dead we leave Tiko to take over the world, or escape it while leaving thousands of others killed?
Neo: (faintly) And it only takes 20 to deactivate it… I think we should…
(Music stops and the scene changes to outside the city)
BANG!
As the bomb exploded, our heroes were seen running for their life and after reaching a cactus about 200 metres from the city, the explosion stopped.
[Music restarts – Cindy and the Saffrons – “Past, Present and Future” (Instrumental)]
Neo: (sighs) I guess this is a case of paradise lost.
Snappy: Yeah… I sure hope my sister got out of there…
Boron howled with sadness.
Snappy: (strokes Boron) Take it easy, kid – we’ll find a new home, somehow.
Neo: And we also need to get our own back on Tiko for what he did!
Snappy: Keep your cool, Cortie…
Neo: I can’t keep my cool… what if he comes with an unexpected surprise?
Snappy: (sighs) I guess you’re right, and I guess we’re gonna have to check all of the states.
Neo: Why ALL of the states?
Snappy: Because we never know what will happen.
Neo: Fine. (picks up Boron) Looks like we’re heading towards a new triumph here… or is it a tragedy?
The gang were seen leaving the ashes of the city and started heading towards the west…
*******************************************************
Episode 7 – A New Friend
Scene: A hotel in Artesia, New Mexico
Music: Radiohead – “Talk Show Host”
The place seemed nearly empty. The only two people in there were the manager, who’s looking for something, and an employee scrubbing floors. Sooner enough, our heroes come in, but they were a little bigger than before…
(Neo now sounds like Spyro because he’s a teenager)
Neo: Hang in there Snappy… we’ll find somewhere… (comes into the hotel)
(The manager sounds like Big Gay Al from “South Park”)
Manager: Welcome to the Blanco hotel, the only White House you’ll be seeing around New Mexico and the one hotel in town. How may I help you?
Neo: I’m hoping to get a room that’s suitable for 3, please.
Manager: OK… looks like I’ll leave the Turkish delights aside… (starts searching through the drawers for the guest book) As I find the guest book, how about you tell me who you guys are…
Neo: We’re a batch of travellers. We’ve been homeless for four years now and I’m on the search for…
Manager: Not your profile – your names!
Neo: Oh… sorry. I’m Neo Cortex… (points outside) This is Snappy Gator…
Snappy: (calling sickly outside) Hi… sorry, I’ve got a stomach bug. (coughs out a butterfly)
Neo: And this here is… (looks around) Where is he?
[Music changes – Eminem – “Stan” (Chorus)]
A dark shadow was seen approaching a tropical plant next to a door saying “Private”. After a slight bit of time, the monster jumped onto it and chewed it to bits…
(Music turns instrumental)
Employee: HANDS OFF!
Neo: What the… (gasps) Boron!
The beast turned around, showing himself as Boron, who has fully grown.
Employee: You got a problem with that?
Neo: Not really – I often lose track of him.
Employee: You should be a bit more careful.
Neo: I know… (sighs) I just don’t feel responsible for him. And besides, he won’t bite…
Boron nodded and hugged the employee.
Neo: See? He’s as cute as a teddy bear!
Employee: Well, I guess you could be right about that…
Neo: It’s a pleasure meeting up with you…
Employee: And before you call out your name, I heard it from the counter.
Neo: Oh…
Employee: It’s all right. The name’s Nitrus Brio, and I’ve been an employee here for… let’s say… around… let’s just call it since I was 3.
Neo: (gasps) But… how…
Brio: If I’ve time I’ll explain it to you.
Manager: (calling from desk) Excuse me… Mr. Cortex… we’ve got a problem here…
Neo: Hang on… I’ll be back. (rushes to the counter) What’s wrong?
Manager: According to the guest book, the hotel if completely full…
Neo: But we’ve been travelling for months now… er… how many months?
Snappy: (sickly) Around 50 now.
Manager: I can see how tired you guys are, so I’ll let you stay with one of the employees.
Brio: I’ll be happy to let them stay with me if you want, sir!
Manager: Go ahead.
Neo: And ever since Snappy doesn’t feel too good, do you have any medical care? Oh, and a set of directions…
Brio: You just turn right and it’s the house on the end of the street. And there a fine range of medicines and treatments in the health centre/pharmacy next door.
Neo: Thanks. Come on guys – let’s make ourselves at home! (grabs Boron and Snappy and dashes out of the building)
Manager: Have fun while you can! (pauses) Are they gone? (pauses) Thank goodness… they don’t really look friendly and thank goodness I didn’t let them stay in my beautiful hotel…
Brio: They were nice guys to me. They could help me out in the big race tomorrow! And besides, that’s the seventh set of people that you refused to send in this month! What’s wrong with you?
Manager: I don’t want anyone to win the sweepstakes other than last year’s champion, and I don’t want travellers stealing the title from him!
Brio: You what? I just can’t believe I trusted you… You’ve been fussy since the start of it all! (leaves the building)
Manager: (to himself) OK, so you’ve lost an “employee”. Don’t panic… don’t panic… (screams)
***********************************************************
Episode 8 – Brio’s Secret
Scene: Brio’s home in Artesia, New Mexico
Music: Pink – “You Make Me Sick” (Instrumental)
The house looked like it needs repair, and everyone was on the floor sitting in a circle, except for Snappy, who was lying down on an old mattress.
Neo: So how’s your life over here?
Brio: Terrible.
Neo: What do you mean? You have everything you want – sun, smiles, style…
Brio: And slavery.
Boron: Huh?
Brio: To be honest I am a slave at the Blanco hotel.
Neo: A slave? For about 15 years of your life?
Brio: You could be right with the lifespan. Since I was 8 I wanted to get out of this place. It was horrible!
Snappy: No wonder the ceiling’s under repair…
Neo: (punches Snappy up to the ceiling) Next time it would be to the Mississippi and beyond! (turns to Brio) Is there any way of earning freedom?
Brio: The only way I can is to win the Artesia Halloween Sweepstakes, the next one happening tomorrow.
Neo: Well how about you try a little harder?
Brio: I tried, but I always lose out to the 20-time champion here, to be 21 tomorrow.
Neo: Have you tried better machines?
Brio: Not machines – animals! We have to be jockeys in the race! Think of it like a horseracing derby, but a lot different. Even I tried a cheetah last year, but we went through the course all the way through at the wrong speed, and I crashed in a cactus near the end. I need big help here…
Neo: How about Boron? He’s good!
Boron: YEAH!
Snappy: And don’t forget the old Mr. Crocodile Shoes!
Brio: Thanks guys! I feel chirpier now…
(Music changes – Fragma – “Toca Me”)
Immediately after he spoke, the doors opened, sending in a strong gust. Then through the doors came a ginger cat…
Brio: (gasps) Trigger!
(Trigger sounds like a Texas cowboy)
Trigger: Well well well, if it isn’t the second-place loser 10 times in a row…
Brio’s eyes turned bright red.
Trigger: I very much doubt you’ll beat me this year – you don’t have the guts for it!
Brio started to glow.
Trigger: And besides, you’re just a dumb-ass dork!
Brio: You will be dead meat…
[Music changes – Baby D – “Let Me Be Your Fantasy” (Instrumental)]
Bizarrely, he morphed himself into a green beast. Giving out a roar, he then stared angrily at Trigger…
Trigger: Take it easy now – I’m not dog food…
Then he charged him into a water trough, leaving him wet from tip to toe.
(Music stops)
Trigger: I’ll be back, pipsqueak! You are gonna be thrashed come tomorrow! (gets up and leaves)
Neo: (stunned) That monster…
Brio morphs back and collapses.
Snappy: (rushes up to him) Are ya all right?
Brio: Wha… what happened?
Neo: You got morphed into a werewolf-thing.
Brio: A werewolf-thing? Oh… not again… I’ve had this problem since I was born. Maybe I ate something radioactive or something… but I’m not sure…
Snappy: Maybe you should kick the kitty’s butt out of town like that and then you’ll earn your freedom easier…
Brio: It’s my incarnation’s decision, not mine.
Snappy: I wonder where can I find radioactive trash… maybe if I eat YOUR (BLEEP)…
Neo: (punches Snappy up to the ceiling, getting his head stuck) That’s a stupid idea – you could get cholera from that!
Snappy: (speaks faintly and muffles) I know that…
Neo: Anyway, back to business. I’m thinking of helping you out in the sweepstakes!
Brio: You would? Excellent! Thanks a lot!
Neo: One problem – where do you sign up?
Brio: You sign up on a banner round the back of the hotel.
Neo: Thanks a million! (dashes out, but then pokes his head through) Boron, are you coming with me?
Boron dashes out and the two left the block in no time.
Brio: Those two have good spirits… I’ve got hope in my heart right now…
Snappy: (falls from ceiling) TIMBER! (lands on Brio)
Brio: Ouch.
****************************************************************
Episode 9 – The Big Day
Scene: The Artesia racecourse
Music: Marilyn Manson – “Disposable Teens” (Instrumental)
The stadium was packed full of spectators from everywhere and 10 racers with animals fill the starting grid…
[Commentator 1 sounds like Jim Ross (WWF) and commentator 2 sounds like Murray Walker (Formula 1)]
Commentator 1: Hello and welcome to the Artesia Halloween Sweepstakes, where we see carnage with 10 racers in front of 2000 spectators!
The spectators cheer.
Commentator 2: Let’s hope we have the same carnage as last year – this is what this race is known for!
Commentator 1: We very well shall do, as the bookies have been going mad overnight! Do you know about any big bets?
Commentator 2: I know about the biggest bet, that’s for sure. In column 1 we have Trigger Tortoiseshell, the course champion for 20 years in a row, betted at 2-1! Can he make it 21 today with Breakneck the cheetah?
Half of the spectators cheer wildly.
Commentator 1: Like, for over half of his winning streak, he’s been having serious competition from Nitrus Brio, a slave from the Blanco hotel, over at column 5, betted at 10-1 with his alligator Snappy.
Commentator 2: I hope he does better than last time’s imitation route…
Commentator 1: Let’s hope so!
Commentator 2: Also we have a highly popular last minute entry on our hands!
Commentator 1: Really?
Commentator 2: Yep. Enter Florida teenager Neo Cortex and his wolverine Boron at column 4, betted at 5-1. That’s impressive for a newcomer!
Commentator 1: Oh yeah! Like, he must have had experience somewhere!
Commentator 2: But will it be enough to take on the might of Trigger? Let’s find out as this race goes underway!
The crowd cheers.
AT THE STARTING GRID
Trigger: I bet I can thrash you babies any day!
Neo: Call us babies? We’ll show YOU babies…
Trigger: Dorks!
Brio: You little…
Snappy: Keep your cool, kid – I don’t want you to lose your temper at any point during this race!
Brio: I suppose you’re right.
Starter: On your marks…
(Music stops)
The racers got into the starting positions quickly.
BANG!
(Music restarts – X-Press 2 – “AC/DC”)
Commentator 1: AAAAAAAAND THEY’RE OFF!!!! And immediately we have Tortoiseshell going right into the lead, with Cortex being just half of a second behind, a crowd of others following them and Brio struggling behind in last place…
Commentator 2: Here they come towards the first obstacle – the desert course!
Commentator 1: Mmmm… Mississippi Mud Pie…
Commentator 2: Not that kind of desert – we’re meaning a hot, dry desert stretch!
Commentator 1: I should have known about that… Hang on – there’s a Pokémon in the road! This is odd because they live in Japan, not America!
A Charmander was seen walking across the road and when Trigger came along he was chased off. Then when some other racers came, it shot its flame right at a bull…
Commentator 2: There goes Bruno Brown… OW! There he goes crashing right into Kevin Stone and his… sheep?
Commentator 1: He always rides a sheep over in these parts.
Commentator 2: No wonder… We are now down to 8 players, and they’re all approaching Mount Sharp!
Commentator 1: Oh no… not Mount Sharp…
Commentator 2: Stop complaining and start yakking! I’ll start by saying that they’re nearly at the top…
Trigger and Neo slid down the slopes successfully and sooner enough another rider came…
Commentator 1: Here comes Spike Robinson with his hedgehog… I don’t know how he can get used to it…
Commentator 2: It’s all about experience… OH MY GOSH! The hedgehog has drilled a wall through the mountain… it’s coming out the other side…
The hedgehog ran into a female jockey and an eagle, taking them both off course…
Commentator 1: Woah… there goes Sadie McGraw… we are now down to 6 players!
Commentator 2: As we reach the end of the first half of the course we see Tortoiseshell in first, Cortex now 2 seconds behind, a batch of other racers scrapping for the bronze medal and Brio in last… let’s hope he improves…
******************************************************
Episode 10 – The Beast’s Strike
Scene: The second half of the Artesia racehorse
Commentator 1: Here we go in the second half of the course, with 6 players left in this order – Trigger Tortoiseshell, Neo Cortex, Scott Cacti, Marina Ice, Pedro Macintosh and Nitrus Brio. Will it all change?
Commentator 2: Let’s find out…
(Music starts – Storm – “Storm Animal”)
Commentator 1: Here comes Trigger coming towards the next obstacle…
Commentator 2: You mean the Lake Cross?
Trigger leapt across the platforms across the lake with great speed and care, grabbing hold on his cheetah as tight as his hands can take him.
Commentator 1: There goes the first player across – who will be next to take it on?
Commentator 2: Here comes Cortex…
ON THE TRACK
Neo: ADELANTE!
Boron: WHOO!!! (leaps on the first platform)
Neo: Take it easy – if we’re out, then I guess Trigger’s gonna put us under slave work here…
Boron screamed and then hopped across the platforms faster than Trigger did when he approached it…
BACK IN THE COMMENTATORS’ BOX
Commentator 1: Talk about considerable speed – This has cut the distance between him and Trigger by 2 seconds!
Commentator 2: Here come Cacti, Ice and Macintosh battling it out for bronze here – Cacti on an overgrown gecko, Ice on a walrus and Macintosh on a horse…
All three of them jumped into the water at the same time, but only Marina and her walrus surfaced… and jumped back to shore!
Commentator 1: Looks like those three are out – 2 sinkers and a scared seal…
Commentator 2: I just said it’s a walrus, not a seal!
Commentator 1: Oh… Here comes Brio – Gone in the water again… Oh… he’s making floating progress here!
BACK ON THE TRACK
Snappy was seen swimming across the lake with Brio on his back…
Brio: Wow – good work, Snappy – How did you do that?
Snappy: I’ve been experienced at that since I was 8 – so there!
Brio: Hey – don’t be rude…
Brio: FULL SPEED AHEAD!
Snappy sped across the lake and as soon as he surfaced, he dashed as far as he could and caught up with Trigger and Neo.
Commentator 1: There’s a rage here for first place! Who knows who will win?
Commentator 2: No one does, as far as I know.
Trigger started sending his cheetah to push into his opposition, who also started pushing into him.
Commentator 1: This is going like chaos! The remaining three racers are on a heavy strike here!
Then Breakneck pushed Brio off Snappy, who started hanging onto his red belt roughly…
Commentator 2: CRIKEY! Brio’s on his last stand here… or is he?
[Music changes – Baby D – “Let Me Be Your Fantasy” (Instrumental)]
Then Brio glowed and transformed into the beast in no time at all. Then he let go of Snappy and charged into Boron, sending Neo flying onto his back…
Neo: OW! What was that for?
The beast gave in a loud roar at him.
Neo: OK, I’ll be quiet. (thinks) Let’s kick his furry butt back to where it should be!
Commentator 1: We’ve got a change of line-up here – Trigger and Breakneck are versus Cortex and Brio in the final stretch!
Both challengers were both taking over each over in this crucial stage as the number of metres decreased – 400, 200, 100, 50… They both went over the finish.
Commentator 2: Come to think of it, the results seem unclear…
Commentator 1: So right!
Commentator 2: Let’s try a slow motion tape of this crucial stage…
**************************************************************
Episode 11 – A Dream Come True
Scene: The podium of the Artesia racecourse
Trigger, Neo and the Beast were here awaiting the results of the close battle…
Trigger: I bet you’re going down, like I did with Brio for the past… er… I forgot how many years…
Neo: I bet you’ll lose to us! What DO you plan to do?
Trigger: The same thing I did in the past 20 years – Send in all challengers to slavery! (laughs)
Neo: It’ll be in your dreams when I come in there – you’ll see.
The Beast morphed back to Brio, who collapsed onto the floor.
Neo: Are you OK?
Brio: (faintly) What happened?
Neo: I’ll explain later. Right now we’re waiting for the results of the race.
Commentator 1: The results are in – and I bet the crowd will be surprised by this result – this is destined to be a first!
Trigger: You guessed it – I’ll be in the Guinness Book of Records before you know it!
Commentator 2: And the winners are… the superstar team of Neo Cortex and Nitrus Brio!!!!
[Music starts – S Club 7 – “Never Had A Dream Come True” (Instrumental)]
The crowd went wild and from the finish line Snappy and Boron gave each other a high five in joy.
Neo: WE DIT IT! WE DID IT! (hugs Brio)
Brio: (crying with happiness) Thanks… (sniffs) I would forever appreciate your gratitude!
Trigger: WHAT? I LOST?!? (curses at Neo and his crew)
Neo: Stay down, kid – fame is far away from you! (punches Trigger over the horizon)
Commentator 1: Hey – that really packed a punch!
Commentator 2: And now that we have two winners for this year, how about we both hear their wishes?
The crowd cheer.
Commentator 1: OK, let’s see what they want…
Brio: (at Neo) You go first. My wish is a surprise for the nation.
Neo: Fine with me. (faces the crowd) Ever since I’m a tired traveller – well, I’ve been walking on foot for over 4 years now – I’m hoping for something a bit more… you know… technical… to tour the US.
Commentator 2: Is that what you’ve been doing for that time?
Neo: I’m trying to track down my brother. He’s trying to take over the world you know…
The crowd laugh.
Commentator 1: We won’t refuse the offer! We’ll come up with something within the next 12 hours.
Neo: Thanks. (turns to Brio) Send in your surprise.
Brio: Right. I demand for… My freedom!
The crowd gasped.
Commentator 2: But… why?
Brio: My dad was the course champion before Trigger came here. When he first won 20 years ago he wanted all challengers to give up a child and die. That’s where I came in.
Crowd: Awww…
Snappy: Maybe you should ban this sort of thing…
Brio: Sorry, croc – I made my wish.
Commentator 1: Well, we welcome you into the free world!
The crowd cheered, while somewhere in there the hotel manager ranted and cursed at him.
Snappy: Tell Brio’s manager that he’s a born dipstick!
Brio giggled.
Commentator 2: Let’s hear it for Cortex and Brio!
The crowd’s cheering continued.
THE NEXT DAY, ON THE OPEN ROADS
[Music changes – Wyclef Jean feat. The Rock and Melky Sedeck – “It Doesn’t Matter” (Instrumental)]
A brand new jeep was heading through the road. As it got closer we see our heroes inside.
Brio: Thank goodness that’s over… Say, Cortie – you know when you told the audience about your brother – is it true?
Snappy: Of course it’s been true – I was…
Brio: Ahem. Is your name Neo Cortex or what?
Snappy: Er… nope.
Neo: He was right, mind you. I’ve been having problems with him since I was 11. After he destroyed my home, I’m hoping to seek revenge on him.
Boron: WHOOOOO!
Brio: I could be a big help – I can always keep one eye on the action.
Snappy: You can’t even put one of your eyes on a table!
Neo: He doesn’t mean that – he means that he’s got good vision for everything.
Snappy: Oh…
Brio: Well, let’s move on!
Boron: YEAH!
The jeep headed towards the horizon and one step closer to their target…
(The screen turns black and the music fades)
Snappy: Where are we going then?
Rest of the gang: Ah!
TO BE CONTINUED
***********************
OUT-TAKES OF THE CHAPTER
The boy next to him slapped him on the face. Before the other tried to speak, he was stopped.
Gary: Shhhhhh…
Neo: Yeah, but not so hard…
Director: CUT!
Neo: WHAT? It was Gary’s fault – not mine!
********************************
Manager: Since you put it that way, I can offer you a place…
Tiko: YES!
Manager: In 2 weeks’ time.
Tiko: 2 WEEKS’ TIME? But…Hang on… did I break the sound barrier?
Director: Why do you say that?
Tiko: Because I think I broke that light up there… (points to it)
Director: Sorry – that’s been broken for a while now…
************************************
Neo: Some girl killed his mother!
Snappy: I know – it’s Debbie Harry!
Neo: (tries to punch him, but laughs) Sorry… the joke was too funny… (laughs out loud)
Snappy: (sighs) I think he needs mood therapy…
*************************************
Snappy: What do you think you’re laughin’ at?
Boron continued laughing.
Snappy: I’ll soon find out… (tries to put on the boxing gloves, but he struggles) HEY COSTUME DESIGNER – THEY WON’T FIT!
Costume designer: Oh… (turns to the director) stop the filming – I need to sort that prop out…
**********************************
There was a peculiar item in the trash. As he pulled it out, he became more curious…
Neo: Barbwire? I don’t get it…
As he tugged it out of the trash, the dustbin came down with it and slammed on his foot, causing him to scream with pain.
Neo: (suffering pain) Like, how heavy IS that trash can anyway?
**********************************
Snappy: (laughs) The bomb’s mine!
But as he was about to reset it, Hallie attacked him with the whip, knocking him down to the floor…
Snappy: OW! MY BACKSIDE!
Neo: (sighs) Another joke…
Snappy: But this is serious! I think I’ve got a slipped disk here!
Neo: (gasps) Where’s a doctor when you need one?
*************************************
Neo: I just don’t feel responsible for him. And besides, he won’t bite…
Boron nodded and hugged Brio.
Neo: See? He’s as cute as a teddy bear!
Brio: Please… don’t hug too tight…
Director: CUT!
Boron stops hugging Brio.
Brio: (sighs) What have I done now? It’s Boron’s fault for hugging me too tight – I couldn’t breathe at all…
Neo: Remember rule #26 – Don’t brag after a faulty take.
***********************************
Brio: Since I was 8 I wanted to get out of this place. It was horrible!
Snappy: No wonder the ceiling’s under repair…
Neo punches Snappy up the ceiling, but he comes down on him.
Snappy: Sorry…
**********************************
Trigger: I bet I can thrash you babies any day!
Neo: Call us babies? We’ll show YOU babies…
Trigger: Dorks!
Upon saying that, Brio turned into the beast again and started chasing Trigger backstage.
Neo: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
The rest of the cast escaped the set very quickly.
**********************************
Brio: Wow – good work, Snappy – How did you do that?
Snappy: I’ve been experienced at that since I was 8 – so there!
Brio: Hey – don’t be rude…
Snappy: I wasn’t rude – oh… forget it!
Brio: FULL SPEED AHEAD!
Snappy tried to swim across the lake, but he collapsed and went underwater…
Brio: (stands up on Snappy) Someone send a fisherman – we need help here… (goes under)
**********************************
Trigger: WHAT? I LOST?!? (curses at Neo and his crew)
Neo: Stay down, kid – fame is far away from you!
He tries to punch Trigger, but he came back down on a cactus.
Brio: Ooh…
Snappy: Call 911 – PRONTO!
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