CRASH FILM REVIEWS - SHAFT
Darwin: G'day… and wazzup! Welcome to…
CRASH FILM REVIEWS!!!
Darwin: Well I'm Darwin, and this here's Danni and Coco!!
Danni: G'day!!!
Darwin: Oh… and Crash isn't here yet, cause he wants to make an entrance for today's movie... destined to be a box-office smash!!
Coco: Yes! Today we review the resurrection of one of the most famous crime movies in history that doesn't involve Clint Eastwood. Today's movie is 'Shaft', starring Samuel L. Jackson... who does a very good performance as Shaft!!
Danni: Except for the fact he plays Shaft's nephew!! Jackson is more like Shaft Jr.!!
Darwin: Yeah… and what's really good about this film is they are trying to resurrect it, and they brought back the original Shaft (Richard Roundtree). But what's interesting to note is... that Samuel L. Jackson doesn't play a private eye... but a New York City Police detective!!
Danni: Oh crikey - here comes Crash!!
Coco: Ha, look at him strut!!
Darwin: Oh blimey… I knew he'd throw on a trench coat and black duds!!
Crash comes walking down the street. In the background, Shaft's theme is playing as Crash struts!!
Darwin: He isn't walking like Shaft - more like a pimp!!
Danni: Darwin, Crash says he was looking for this opportunity to dress as one of his favourite crime fighters!!!
Darwin: If I were to dress up as one, I'd be Spiderman!!
Danni: A crime fighter that's believable!!
Darwin: Oh!!
Coco: So Crash… just what should we call you!!
Crash: It's Crash… (Lowering dark glasses) ...John Crash!!!
Coco: Your first name isn't John!!
Crash: Shut your mouth!!!
Darwin: Darn right!!
Danni: So Crash… heehee... or should I say John Crash... what's the latest with Cortex today?
Crash: It ain't Cortex this time!!
Darwin: Okay then, Oxide. What about Oxide?
Crash: Not him either!! We're dealing with a crime lord who has been convicted of drug dealing, shootings, rape, theft, auto theft, grand theft auto, parks in red zones, overdue library books, and selling kids videos of White House Scandals and bathroom cams!!
Danni: Who is this sick pillock!??
Crash: Here are the photos of the suspects!!
Danni: (Looking at a photo of a Gansta Rapper ghetto type thug) That's him!?
Crash: Oh sorry… that was last week's case! That guy was convicted of frontal assault at a local McDonalds!! They were out of the toy he wanted that came with the Happy Meal!!
He pulls out another photo - this time… it's a clown!!
Crash: That's our guy! There's his name!!
Coco: Get out of here!! Horny the Clown!?!?!
Crash: Yep, that's our man, or clown in this case!!
Darwin: You mean that the convict is a bleedin' clown!?
Crash: Yeah!! And we need to know where his secret hideout is!!
Danni: Why don't we check the circus!!
Crash: Nah - he'd scare the kids more than the clown from 'Spawn'. They never would let him, especially if it's a clown with an Uzi!!
Danni: Some clown!!
Crash: That's why we gotta check out his number one hangouts!! I found a place where only clowns go to eat, drink, and play pool!
Darwin: One of those fitness clubs?
Crash: No - it's called 'Dick's'!!
Coco: Uh… I don't think we should go into a place that has the title 'Dick's'!
Danni: Yeah - the name sounds very uncomfortable to me!!
Crash: Look - all we gotta do is talk to the owner, Dick, and he could tell us where Horny lives!!
They go over to 'Dick's' and Crash struts inside!! He yells out!!
Crash: I'm Crash, John Crash!! Which one of you suckas has seen Horny the Clown!?
Guy in back booth: Look in the mirror!!!
Everyone in the bar laughs!!
Crash: I'm serious!! Could someone tell me where Horny is!! I am John Crash - FBI!!!
Guy by Crash: The original Shaft was a private eye!
Crash: Okay then... I need to know… who works for Horny!?
Guy by Crash: Try some of the hookers down the street!!
Crash: They know Horny the Clown!?
Guy by Crash: No - I mean… if you horny, go get yourself a girl!! They work for horny, men that is! Ha ha ha!!
Danni: Alright you bloke - tell Crash where Horny is!!
Darwin: Yeah... where's the horny!?!?
Guy by Crash: Don't know!! But um... see that guy over there!! The guy in the green afro, the polka dotted pants, and the floppy shoes!?
Crash: Is that Horny!?
Guy by Crash: No... but I think he works for Horny!! He goes by the name 'Lick the Clown!'
Crash: C'mon - we gotta go see 'Lick the Clown'!!
Darwin: This'll be interesting!!
*********************
Crash goes by where Lick the Clown is eating!!
Crash: 'Lick the Clown' I presume?
Clown: No man - I licked hundreds of clowns before… I'm spent!
Crash: No, your name! It's Lick the Clown isn't it!?
Clown: Lick!?! Hell no!! It's Dick!!!
Crash: Dick the clown!!?
Dick the clown: Yeah! I run this place!!
Crash: Then do you know a guy by the name of Horny the clown!? I’d like to talk to him!!
Dick the clown: Suit yourself, but there's really nothing to...
Crash and the others run to the back door!!
Dick the clown: Why is it that people always run away from clowns!?!?
***************************
Crash and the others are travelling through the hallway!
Danni: So anyway... Shaft is a nice decent remake with great characters and fight scenes, but then… the story dies!! There's no real plot to it! It's not a perfect story like the original Shaft, but then what is!?
Crash: This is it!!
They enter an abandoned warehouse full of old boxes!
Crash: Horny!! Horny the Clown!! this is John Crash speaking!! Come out! I wanna talk to you!
Suddenly, a clown comes out from the backroom and steps out in front of Crash!! He is a black clown with baggy pants, floppy shoes and tie… and a weird red Afro wig on!!
Crash: Alright Horny!! Spit it...what are you hiding?
Horny: What you talkin' about man!? I ain't got nothin'!!
Crash: Spill it Horny - your main man Dick the Clown sang like a canary!
Horny: Dick the Clown!? He ain't my main man - I just come here to eat and play poker with the guys in the back!!
Crash: Aha - gambling right!?
Horny: Yeah… with Casino Chips!!!
Crash: Stolen Casino Chips!!
Horny: What you harassing me for!? I don't do anything accept hang out at Dick's!!
Crash: Where is it!? Show it!! Where's your stash!?
Horny: What stash!? Man… you’re weird!!
Crash: You know... crack, coke, dope, majuarania, zig-zags!!!
Horny: Huh? You think Horny's a dope addict!?!?
Crash: We got your personal records right here!
Horny: These ain't mine!! These are my brutha's!! My brutha is @#%$ty the Clown!! He's your man you looking for!
Crash: Then where's @#%$ty's hideout!?
Horny: Arlington!!
Crash: How can we trust someone who is a clown!!?
Horny: Who you calling a clown, clown?
Crash: That's it!! Tell us where @#%$ty's hideout is… and you will be rewarded! Think of it - money, jewels, women...
Horny: Pokemon cards???
Crash: Pokemon Cards!?! What the heck do you want Pokemon cards for!?!?
Horny: THAT'S my stash bro' - I invest in Pokemon cards!! There ain't no crime in that is there!?
Crash: No… but I gotta find @#%$ty!!
Voice: I DON'T THINK SO!!!! @#%$TY'S IN DA HOUSE!!!!
They turn around to see an extremely fat clown, covered in ammo, and carrying an M-16! He wears real dirty clown outfits!!
Crash: My gosh!!!
Danni: @#%$ty!?
Coco: GULP!!!
Horny: @#%$ty!?!?! Bro… whatcya doin' out here!?
@#%$ty the Clown: I here to bust up dis Pokemon @#%$!! It time you start crack, dope, and other drugs that get you real money!! You're a @#%$ Horny - you ain't deal in drugs!!!
Crash: Well then..you're under arrest!!
@#%$ty: Oh yeah... says who!?!?!
Crash: Me, seeing how I have a .43 Magnum in my pocket - the most powerful handgun in the world!!!
Crash pulls out his gun!!
@#%$ty: MAGNUM!?!?! DARN BOY THAT AIN'T NO MAGNUM YOU HOLDIN'!! That ain't even .43!! It's a .22 Colt!!!! That thing’s old school! Here!! Let @#%$ty show ya new school!!!!
@#%$ty points his M-16 at Crash and the others!!
Coco: He's gonna fire!!
Crash: My badge will save us… like in the movie!!
Crash throws his badge… and it hits @#%$ty in the vulnerable area!!
@#%$ty: WWWWWHHHHOOOOOOAAAAA!!! @#%$TY GOIN' DOWN!!!!!!
@#%$ty falls to the ground with a great thud that shakes the warehouse… causing it to collapse!!
Crash: Well… I got my man!!
Danni: Sure Crash!! Oh, and by the way… Shaft is a nice movie to go and watch!! Full of exciting car chases and gun fights... and Samuel L. Jackson does a good job fitting the role of Shaft!! If only there was a plot and a story to it, t would have gotten better than -
A 3 Wumpa Fruit Rating: O O O
Darwin: Join us next time… when Crash drops this Shaft trash!!
Crash: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!!
THE END!!!!
Site map -
Back to the Greats
Back to the Main Menu
Add-ons Ahoy!
Links to other sites
