CRASH FILM REVIEWS - SHREK
Good evening and welcome to 'Crash Film Reviews'. Today's tale will be the new animation hit 'Shrek', starring Mike Meyers as Shrek, Eddie Murphy as Duncan the talking donkey, and Cameron Diaz as Princess Fiona. In this tale of whimsy we will follow our new heroes, Crash, Coco, Danni, and Darwin into this fantastic array of Fairy Tale imagery. Let's follow them as we go through this mutinous review. Once upon a time, in a fairy tale land far away, there were four movie critics going through the new animated film 'Shrek' to see what makes a movie based on a green ogre, a talking donkey, and a spunky princess so funny. We began in the countryside near Lord Farquad's castle.
Danni: Oh greetings - as the narrator pointed out - my name is Danni, and these be my travelling comrades, Crash, Coco, and Darwin. We, as already been established, are reviewing the new animated film 'Shrek'.
They know that. Get to the point, and start reviewing the film.
Danni: Oh right… well anyways, Shrek delivers the audience just what it promises: wonderful animation, top-notch humour, and a colourful array of wonderful characters.
Coco: Yes. The casting is very perfect. Mike Meyers plays a well-rounded character called 'Shrek', star of the film obviously.
Crash: And as an ogre, Shrek faces the many prejudices brought upon ogres during the 'Modern Middle Ages'.
Darwin: This movie made me sad, on how ugly green ogres are facing racist white rulas' in a fairy tale land.
Danni: And John Lithgow... playing Lord Farquad… is the Communistic type ruler who wants to eradicate all Fairy tale creatures to make his kingdom more perfect. And it was very terrible how he treated Shrek, who actually did the big job for him - rescue Princess Fiona.
Coco: Speaking of which, here comes our star now, along with his wisecracking donkey.
They see Shrek walking across the sunny countryside… and run up to greet him.
Danni: You must be Shrek.
Shrek: Aye, that be me. What are you all doing near Lord Farquad's castle? What Fairy Tale do ya all belong too?
Crash: My very own - Crash Bandicoot. That’s what we belong to.
Shrek: Crash Bandicoot… neva' heard of that Tale before.
Crash: It's actually a video game.
Shrek: What's a video game?
Crash: Well it's a cool game involving me as the hero… who goes through a series of adventures facing an evil mad scientist based on world domination... I rescue my girlfriend, defeat all these nasty critters, even ride a jet pack, surfboard, and even polar bears and race cars. Cool huh?
Shrek: WHAT KINDA FAIRY TALE IS THAT!?!? It makes no sense.
Duncan: Hoo man Shrek... talking to these people; I can see why Lord Farquad wants to imprison all Fairy Tale creatures.
Coco: Actually we're video game creatures.
Shrek: Aye man... this is too much for me. I don't know what they're talking about.
Duncan: Neither do I - they must be "Special" Fairy Tale creatures - ya know… the um… retired ones.
Danni: Well that's not nice.
Duncan: Sorry but this place is for Fairy Tale creatures only.
Shrek: Yeah but um... if you guys are heroes… maybe you can help get those Fairy Tale creatures outta my swamp.
Danni: Wait a sec. How about you and Princess Fiona?
Shrek: Oh her? She dumped me and ran off with that Quasimodo guy in Notre Dame. Apparently, she liked uglier freaks than me.
Crash: So who's your new wife?
Shrek: I could only marry freaks...so I married the next freak I could find.
Coco: And who's that?
Shrek: Who else? I married the donkey.
Duncan: That's right. We’re a happy couple. Now I'm a guy but Shrek can be a whatever. It's a well known fact ogres can spontaneously change sex. As for the dragon it turned out to be a cross dresser like that wolf sleepin' in Shrek's bed that one time.
NOTE: It's never been written but it's a fairy tale creature. ;) You can do whatever you want with them.
Danni: Oh geesh - Fairy Tale land is disgusting.
Shrek: Hey hey, don't get any ideas. The donkey's one heck of a cook!
Crash: Right. Anyways I suppose we can help you with our problems, if this Pequod...
Shrek: Farquad.
Crash: Er… Farquad guy's giving you trouble.
Shrek: Good, cause those pesky twerps are back in my swamp. And Lord Farquad managed to come back. So the problems continue.
Coco: What can we do? We need to find a way to help these Fairy Tale creatures. I think we outta go see Lord Farquad right now.
Shrek: I tried it - no good. I ended up going on a near death adventure to rescue a cheating princess.
Darwin: Hm... well let's get goin' to Lord Fartwad's castle.
Duncan: Er… Farquad, but that name ain't that far off.
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Back at Lord Farquad's castle...Lord Farquad is having a conversation with a familiar villain.
Lord Farquad: So what you're saying is... there are things in the future worse than Fairy Tale creatures?
Cortex: Absolutely - more freakish and annoying than ever. Allow me to show you what's in store for your perfect kingdom if these things come to you.
Lord Farquad: Well I can't stand disgusting Fairy Tale freaks. Cross dressing wolves, old ladies who eat children, wooden possessed puppets, talking pigs... My goodness, my kingdom's a freak show because of them.
Cortex: Well, they aren't the worst of your problems. You see, there is something worse than Fairy Tale characters. They will be the REAL threat to your kingdom... especially one called 'Crash Bandicoot'.
Lord Farquad: Don't say. Who are they?
Cortex: I give you a glimpse at what's in store for your dreaded future, and how it will be greatly affected. (Turns to the Magic Mirror) I've arranged the mirror here to give you a slide show of future threats called... (loud foreboding music) ...VIDEOGAME CHARACTERS.
Lord Farquad: What are they?
Cortex: Observe.
Cortex shows a stock footage picture of little kids on school quad playing with their Game Boys.
Cortex: This little hand held gadget is called a 'Game Boy'. It features a disgustingly addictive game called 'Pokémon'.
Cortex then shows some Pokémon characters: Pikachu, Squirtle, Charizard, and Lugia.
Cortex: These seemingly adorable yet highly seductive creatures are the enemies that reduce a person's brain to jelly. These little freaks in the game make kids talk in strange tongues and nonsensical languages. Observe.
The next picture shows a little six-year-old kid talking about Pokémon.
Kid: I just got my Charmeleon to involve into a Charizard. I've also learned flamethrower and quake attack, so I can do well against grass Pokémon. He's at level 78, and I'm currently on the way to battle Team Rocket.
Lord Farquad: What the heck is he talking about?
Cortex: You see? Pokémon completely takes over a child's mind. They could be the next geniuses, talking about math, physics, and even… *gasp* ...literature. But no, they only talk about this kind of stuff, because Pokémon proves to be stronger.
Lord Farquad: Please go on. This seems interesting.
Cortex: Some videogames are over four CDs long, like this “Final Fantasy” game here. It could take a person days, weeks, or even months to finish it. They will only focus on the game, forgetting everything else that is important or proper. And the characters is all they'll think about.
Lord Farquad: Go on...
Cortex: Some games suck money out of their pockets. Take this PS2 for example. Sure it's new, but I'm afraid it's expensive and people will spend their money on this instead of perfect things.
Lord Farquad: Hmmm....
Cortex: And here's the most wretched videogame character of them all - Crash Bandicoot. He's the true one who will threaten you with his stupid antics, and ludicrously horrible game play. It's got many people turned into imperfect slaves. People will no longer care about Fairy Tale creatures, but videogame characters, who pose the real threat to your kingdom. ESPECIALLY Crash Bandicoot...who will even try and overthrow you, and turn your kingdom into a videogame imperfect society.
Lord Farquad: (Standing up) Enough! I've heard enough. This sounds even worse than before. Fairy Tale creatures are one thing, but these videogame things sound worse, especially that one called' Crash Bandicoot'. A new order will be carried out. Forget all Fairy Tale creatures. Instead we will arrest VIDEOGAME creatures - especially this Crash Bandicoot. And I'll put THAT particular one to death.
Cortex: (Smirking) Well thought decision my lord. My minions and I will personally do the arrest ourselves.
Lord Farquad: Good. I thank you for showing me this. It sounds worse than I ever imagined. The order will be carried out immediately.
Cortex: Oh hoo hoo... Crash, you're all mine now.
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We see Crash and the others marching up to Lord Farquad's castle. But as soon as they get there they see knights carrying away all sorts of videogame characters. Pokémon, Mario, Sonic, Zelda, Digimon, Donkey Kong, every imaginable videogame character is being held away.
Danni: What's goin' on here?
Crash: Looks like they're arresting every videogame character imaginable.
Shrek: These are videogame characters? Look - there's a gorilla werain' a tie, a blue hedgehog with shoes, strangely shaped yellow, blue, and even green rodents...
Duncan: Whoa… and they called US freaks.
Darwin: Well these are videogame characters.
Shrek: Geesh, these are even worse lookin' than anything else I've seen.
Just then, Cortex appears.
Cortex: Ah Crash... I'm sorry to say this but by order of Lord Farquad… you're under arrest.
Crash: Hoo boy… what did ya tell him now Cortex?
Cortex: Hee hee hee… that all videogame characters are to be arrested as post threats to Lord Farquad's kingdom. You especially Crash. You'll be the one executed. As for the rest of you, you're all under arrest too. Sorry Crash but looks like you're all going bye bye.
Dingodile: Yeah - you videogame characters pose as threats to Lord Farquad.
Crash: Wait a sec - you guys are videogame characters.
Cortex: I know that, but does Farquad know? NO. I’m so sorry - but bye Crash and other videogame creatures.
Shrek: Hey wait a sec - what about the Fairy Tale creatures? Does that mean they're free now?
Cortex: Yep.
Shrek: GREAT! Now they can get back out of my swamp. (Shaking Crash's hand) Thank ya so much. You solved my problem. Sorry you'll die for it but oh well.
Crash: Wait er...
Cortex: Hard luck Crash. Sorry it ends this way, and such a waste too. Oh well, I'll let them give you a slow painful death just to make it fair… and fun.
Tiny: Time to die.
Dingodile: Lata' mates.
But just as Crash and Coco are being led away the guards try and grab Danni and Darwin.
Guard: by orders of Lord Farquad, all videogame characters are to be arrested.
That's when an idea popped into Danni's head.
Danni: Hang on mates - you said videogame characters right?
Guard: Right.
Danni: Well me, and Darwin are actually fan fic characters, so technically… we don't count as videogame characters. Sorry - you can't arrest us.
Cortex: (Suddenly realising this, panicked.) Uh oh... she's right... er um… I mean… she's lying - she's a videogame character Seize her.
Gaurd: Well technically she's right. Can't arrest her or the big one right there.
Darwin: Yeah. Sorry Cortex.
Cortex: Oh boy… here it goes.
And within an instant Danni sprang into action knocking out all the guards with her fists (Princess Fiona style). Cortex tried to run away, but Darwin grabbed him.
Cortex: IPE!!!
Darwin: Got ya, ya discriminating videogame hata'.
Danni: (Raising her fist at Cortex) Time for this fairy tale to have a happy endin'.
Cortex: Oh why is it always a happy ending for good guys?
And with that, Danni knocked Cortex and his minions out cold. Soon, Crash and the others stormed the castle, and forced Lord Farquad to sign a 'No-VG Char Aggression Pact' against any videogame character. So they were freed. And it was time to go.
Danni: Well chaps - Shrek is a highly colourful and lively entertaining flick, offering lots of kid and adult humour to any age group. There are many true laughs and moments in here that makes this movie among the best-animated film so far this year. Shrek really pokes fun not only at fairy tales but today's society too. The perfect politically correct fairy tale ever made. That's why we gave it… a FIVE Wumpa Rating.
Wumpa Rating: O O O O O
Coco: It's definitely worth seeing. Take the whole family if ya can.
Crash: Thus closes another...
Shrek: Wait a minute. Wait one darn minute.
Darwin: What's the matta' Shrek?
Shrek: All videogame characters were released. But that doesn't mean the fairy tale creatures were released either.
Danni: Oh… sorry. Does that make you mad?
Shrek: Darn right it does. Those creatures are back in my swamp!!!!
Crash: Oh… sorry. Tough luck.
Shrek: Well this is your fault. By freeing those videogame freaks you only let those Fairy tale freaks move back into my swamp. That's it - I'm gonna grind yer bones to make ma bread.
Darwin: Sorry pal. No can do. That’s giants remember?
Shrek: Oh remember how Duncan said ogres can change sex? Well, ogres can change their eatin' habits too ya know.
Darwin: Oh really?
Shrek: Yep… really, really.
Crash: Gotta run. Let's split!
They run away with Shrek going after them.
Shrek: Come back here ya furry videogame fairy tale discriminating things - I'll make jelly outta yer eyes.
Duncan: Hey Shrek - forget it. The fairy tale things have organized a block party. And to top it off… we're watching 'Scary Movie'.
Shrek: Really? Well… maybe they ain't so bad.
Duncna: Right! So whaddya say honey? Wanna go back?
Shrek: Okay dear. Let's go.
Duncan: I also made a special soufflé for tonight.
Shrek: Oh take me there.
And so with this wonder film reviewed, our heroes returned to the real world never to be in the fairy tale world again. As for the movie… it was highly worth seeing for a laugh and inspirational animation. Thus concludes another Crash Film Review.
THE END
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