THE TR8TES FACTOR: SMILIES REVENGE III
Prologue
They knew the adolescent fools could not be leaving the territory. They knew the parties would not be stopping them. And more important to most, they knew people were searching for their round, perfectly yellow spit. Only the infinite race known as the "emoticons" of the world could stop the earth in its spin. As you are about to see. Early morning lays in wait. Over-excited youngsters are enjoying a quiet stroll in the park with their parents, the pitiful morons brave enough to start a family despite the obvious useless expense of nappy training. The youngest, a blond-haired imbecile who called by the name of Georges, sniffed like a dum kitten prowling for food. The oldest, a blonder-haired numskull who naturally called by the name of Moron, was waltzing like a mutoid fool trying to glimpse the mother’s unwanted attention. There were three kiddies in all, and all were stoopid ‘asses. Really. The male, Georges, brought his thick-‘edded self over to the side of the arena. Clearly the animal hadn’t been fed for days – Georges, we mean.
Mother: "Yo kids, who wants to see the animals?"
Georges: (Grunt).
Bill Gates: "Hello there young family. Please do not mistake my name for something you can usually find in the unreliability sale. I have always performed illegal operations and so my tenderly expensive mind is to shut down on Tuesday 30th November 2002. The date Windows 2004 goes out of date."
Mother: "I’m hungry. Where’s the zoo?"
Georges: (Grunt).
Moron: "Tr8tes."
A movement in the wind cues a hidden danger. An aggressive roar emerges from behind Georges’ backside.
Mother: "Georges, you breaking wind smells bad enough to start a new series of Futurama."
Georges: (grunt).
Bill Gates: "This Program Has Performed An Illegal Operation And Must Be Shut Down. If The Problem Persists, Please Contact The Program Vendor."
Smoke begins to bellow out of Bill’s butt, with the rear smell rapidly increasing as beeping can be heard, counting down and speeding up until the Microsoft head explodes into a celebration of sticky chocolate, wet marmalade and brightly polished turd. The growling increases rapidly as the family quickly come together in a huddle.
Mother: "Oh dear oh dear oh dear. We’ve upset him, haven’t we? C’mon, dummies. I mean children."
Father: "M-m-mother, you don’t want to see this…"
Mother: "WHAT IS IT, fool?"
Mother turns to see Father in sheer fright. Her eyes too begun to contrast from her previous cotton-ish yet clearly anti-Limey stare. Ahead of them, sitting devoid of interest, is a real shock. Escaping from the bushes… are the evil specimens.
Mother: "NO!! NO!!!!!!"
Mother quickly falls to the floor and gets sucked into the bushes nearby. Dried pieces of strawberry-orange excrement come flying from the leaves. Her head drops out, rolling across the floor and falling into the nearby stream.
Mother (head): "Save me fools! I’m going to end my life on the spike just outside London with that Charles bloke!"
Georges: (Screams, ending with a grunt.)
Mother (falling into the giant cheese-grater at the end of the river): "AARRGHHH!!!!!"
**********
From the writer of –
Crash Place FFOTM Winner "Smiley’s Revenge"
Crash Place FFOTM Winner "Smiley’s Revenge II: The Graphics Take Control"
Crash Place FFOTM Joint First Until Final Tie "Smiley’s Revenge II: Evolution"
The Third Chapter in The Third Place…
Doyley Products Present
An Irrational Production
THE TR8TES FACTOR: Smiley’s Revenge III
RATED 18!!!
Note On The Text
The story you are about to relish in reading is created by a very thick entrepreneur in a bid to make your well-formed eyes go wide and queer, not to mention plain strange. It is not recommended this fanfic is shown to any mortals under the age of 18, as so it contains language which can barely be described as English, a storyline which does that horrid trick of never ending and deaths to scare a pensioner. If you are taking this notice seriously, complain to M or get a life. Thankyouverymuch. But seriously, on a greater note – this complete version of the story contains adult references and are intended for humour purposes only. Despite this, younger readers should take this as a warning. Mesa is not responsible for your reactions to the text.
~O.o~
Location: The Smiley Extermination Specialists
Time: 6:56am, 29th November 2035
Common Sense: Very Little
The offices appear very empty. A bald bloke sporting a 90’s Hippy outfit complete with bespoke canary feathers emerges from the front door. He is medium build, albeit low brain cell size and rated by the FBI as dangerously irrational, the man as he is rating on the British Police Force’s Most Wanted list for the act of stealing wedges of mouldy cheese from a butcher’s store in October 1993. But then, as Chief Manager at Smiley Extermination Centres Ltd, he’s in the right place, if not at all at the right time. Well known gangsters rate him as "The Broken Watch" for his unmatched ability to come to crime at the wrong time and find himself in court for no apparent reason. Or rather, for shaving in the public bus-stops. He wasn’t alone in his doings, though. His ‘henchmen’, as he called them rather modestly, had a much greater pedigree. Because they were the only ones sad enough to bother working with him. Decent pay, though, pretty much the only reason in existence as you’re forced to work with pitifully thick round circles with an intent on destroying the planet. Spooky.
The Broken Watch: "Cool, an entire family eaten by smileys two days in a row. I hope the fire brigade gets attacked next, my beautifully polished torso catches more fires than any city in the country."
Bill Gates Junior (Walking In): "Hello, TBW. You know what happened to the simpletons back there? Even my dad wasn’t queer enough to halt the smilies this time."
TBW: "Yeah, yeah. Many celebrities have fell foul to this, y’know. 2020, the Cheese State collapses after President Grater has his head eaten. 2022, the Paperclip Marshall drops it in front of the Metallic Nation of Smiley Warfare. 2029… Page 3 girls finally threatened to buy clothing by Irrational Smiley Centre. 2031… The popular ezboard ‘Crash Place’ booms with over 1,000,000 members, due to mass smileys registering under bogus usernames. Well actually, the British media quoted that last one as untrue."
Bill Gates Junior: "Yes, yes, Broken. But how many people have actually been killed by innocent message board smilies? Even the mentioned Grater lives on with a paper bag representing his head – not that he looked anything less than that with his real thing anyway. The point is, the first death has been reported. Happened twenty miles away from here."
Bill drops some sheets of paper to the ground, displaying important information about the latest and first Smiley-endorsed murder. The Broken Watch’s eyes light up as he sees the ID photos displayed on the first page. Quickly he picks up the loose sheets and looks through.
TBW: "Ooh, my gawd. The dummies across the road are dead. Oh heck, new case. Turkeys!"
Bill Gates Junior: "What?"
TBW: "Bok, bok, bok-kaw!!" (Flaps arms, making rude armpit noises).
Bill Gates Junior: "I bet your pardon??"
TBW: "Err, what’s your problem? I’m calling my… henchmen."
,br>
The staircase receives a slight battering as two young adults come walking down the floors. One is a male, dressed in red Leicester flavoured bomb jacket and denim jeans which appear to have been chewed at the edges by the next door neighbour’s dog – which is about right, unless you own the eat-anything-which-is-soft Persian kitten type. He has the good looks which are painfully typical of your average boring Hollywood heart-throb, but of course because of that all the girls attract to him like fleas on a leash. The second is a frizzy-haired young female, probably having more character but no less attracted to blowing dry pieces of dog poo into the air by as much as 40 to 50 metres in the air. She is sporting similar clothing, but is wearing ragged shorts.
TBW: "Turkeys! Fetch!"
Rich: "Woof. Hi, Broken."
Chloe: "Urm, ditto."
TBW: "I pity the foo who don’t say cheddar!!"
Chloe: "Sorry."
Bill Gates Junior: "I didn’t come here to be insulted, Broken."
TBW: "In that case, get lost."
Bill Gates Junior: "Humph. In future I won’t be selling you a Pentium Processor packed with Windows 2032, and in addition you are already crossed off the visitor’s list for the Windows XP2040 Introduction Show."
Bill Gates Junior leaves the building.
TBW: "Oh good, that just leaves us now. Well, let’s get this mission going."
Rich (reading papers): "Cool, we get to hunt down old ladies."
Chloe (grabbing Rich’s paper and turning it the right way): "Looking at it upside down, Rich."
TBW: "OK men, now who’s the enemy! The Predator, he is the enemy!" (points to ID card).
Rich: "Looks like a goldfish to me. What have you been eating, Broken?"
TBW: "Nothing, precisely. I mean, that’s him. He’s well known for his irrational organisation skills. We believe he is behind this rather nice murder which reportedly involves large chunks of butter and sunflower seed to deploy the evil, cowardly acts."
Chloe: "Please don’t say it that way."
Rich: "Cool. Oh well, I’m going there. Dunkin’ Donuts taste good at the opposite side of town."
~O.o~
Old Woman: "AAARRGGHHH!!!!"
Dozens of smilies have escaped their protective cages and are invading the city of Paris in France. The rounded graphics are coming down in their hundreds down the waterfalls, out of the post boxes and are even invading people’s underwear. They’re nibbling at everything they see. Nothing could possibly stop the mess. The Eiffel Tower is being eaten by smilies. There is no escape to this horror. Or is there? Quite suddenly, a few shots of machinegun fire emerge from the wreckage of the city. To the attacker’s shock, the Dunkin’ Donut stall is destroyed.
Rich (dropping gun): "NNOOO!!!!"
Chloe: "Your not the one in trouble, Rich! The smilies are coming our way!"
The full crowd of the round graphics emerges from the top of the hill, led by Baron Von Smiley Senior. He adjusts his cap, and allows the smiley population to attack. Rich and Chloe are quickly surrounded by the beasts, as one of them swallows his gun, ending up looking like a machinegun-shaped graphic error.
Baron: "Pitiful fools… HAHAHAHAHAJHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHARRRRR… cough. You thought you’d made it. You thought we were for leisure, didn’t you? You pitiful humans reckoned we could be inserted into posts… and mocked. You thought we were all for the dead! Well, now who’s to be destroyed, ‘ey? Get them, Smileys!"
Rich: "Ouch. Look, Mr Emoticon, can we settle a compromise…"
Baron: "MISTER EMOTICON?? Who do you think I am? This is Mister Emoticon!"
Mr Emoticon (talking in quiet, low voice): "You are dead, human. Ve have supplies. Ve have more smilies."
Baron: "Heh heh… yeah."
Mr Emoticon: "Vat?"
Rich looks on as Chloe is knocked down and covered by the Killer Smileys™.
Mr Emoticon: "Ve humans are for the dead."
Rich (looking back): "Chloe! No!!"
Baron: "Kill the thick one."
Tons of fresh posticons come pouring onto Rich, smothering him and suddenly turning the air black. For the next few seconds, he feels himself stop breathing. Wrestling hard with the rounded ones, he eventually raises his hand from the wreckage – but more smileys are piling on. Chloe is still fighting hard with the graphics with her bare hands intact, but is overpowered.
Rich drops to the ground as he feels himself being eaten alive.
Rich: "AAAARRGGHHHWWADFGHGHGGHGHhjggduygjhjk!!!!"
Chloe: "Hold in there, Rich."
Rich: "Tis no use!! I’m being eaten!! I underestimated the power of round circles, Chloe! Now we are both pay—"
Chloe: "Rich! Hold still!"
Rich goes unconscious as the remaining smileys finish off the meal that is his body. The rest of the animals lurch for his female friend. As her eyes close, everything comes to a stop.
Baron: "Vell done, smileys. The forces are morons. I mean dead."
Mr Emoticon: "Oi, I vas meant to talk like vat."
Baron: "Urm, I apologise."
Smiley Commander 1: "She looks pretty much dead, Baron. And the rest of Paris has been destroyed. Let’s take on the neighbouring cities!"
Smiley Commander 2: "No, 1! Look above!!"
Smiley Commander 1 (destroyed by falling poo): "Reuughh!!!"
Baron: "Ack! Run for cover!!"
Dozens of British and French helicopters come flying above the ground, dropping excrement bombs on the gremlins. Each of them explode into lifeless pixels, including Mr Emoticon, unfortunate enough to be hit. He implodes into a mass of melting chocolate. The rest of the helicopters from around the world come into attack. A voice from one yells, "Drop the icons."
A small group of officers come down on ropes, looking for injured people. Rich is the only one not moving as Chloe opens her eyes to the pale sky.
~O.o~
TBW: "Sigh. It’s true, the dreaded Smiley War is upon us. We must act, namely by blowing up their headquarters with torpedoes manufactured from mouldy bits of ear wax."
Officer Henry: "Dumbo! You have to be subtle with your approach to avoid sparking off something much, much worse. We aren’t the only ones who enjoy revenge, as a race."
Officer Helen: "Hen’s right. And a war is currently unpredicted."
An empty, circular hall. A line of officers on one side, the general public on the other. A debate which made as much sense as the rest of the story you’ve read so far. The Broken Watch stood up.
TBW: "NO WAR?? Officers, you are mistaken. You are… clumsy in your thoughts."
Henry takes a well armed machine gun from his back pocket and shoots TBW dead, pieces of broken armpit snot dripping from his remains. He falls to the ground.
Officer Henry: "Oops… that was my clumsy personality showing up again. My mistake, Broken."
Chloe: "You killed him? What kind of debate is this?"
Officer Harry: "One which needs no idiots, madam. Now shurrup or I’ll land one in-between your shapely legs."
Officer Henry: "So, that fool aside, we can now concentrate on looking at a very important aspect, one which will half the smilies. I say we take a look at the current Smiley Graphic Treaty 1984."
Officer Helen: "Henry… smilies mustn’t be allowed to live, free. We have jobs to do on our part. Locking up the beasts will most likely prevent the outbreak of smiley war again. You can only think back to the serious incident involving Crash Bandicoot and a small number of them. This is real, serious."
Aku Aku (floating up): "Ho ho! Yes, thank you for destroying the fool. May marsupials die, and hopefully those dodo birds things will be back. I say, Long Live Smilies!!"
Officer Henry (shooting Aku): "Fool! Mister Bandicoot may have been ‘ill’, but it seems smilies are fond of killing any soul which lacks brain cells. If the world can accept…"
Aku Aku: "Ouch."
Chloe (standing): "Oh, no Officer. A brain size should not determine death in any way. I should know."
Officer Helen: "What happened to your friend, Madam?"
Chloe: "Our secondary standing, ‘Rich’, was lost in the previous incident at Paris. I have suffered severe burns on both legs as a consequence."
Officer Harry: (whistles) "What is your name, madam? Those burns could prove crucial evidence."
Officer Henry: "Zzzz. Roll on."
Chloe: "Chloe Thompson… where shall I—"
A large boom can be heard from outside the building, causing a vibration around the area. Many nearby guards jump from apparent sleep and walk outside whilst the rest of the room falls still. The general public looks severely shocked and many call out, with balloons, strips of leather and overused nappies are held for studying.
Mr John: "W-what was that?"
Aku Aku: "The Voodoo Force are here!! They’ll kill us all!"
Mrs John: "Dear?"
Aku Aku: "Shutup, old coffin dodger!"
Officer Harry: "Silence, please."
Smilies come pouring into the building, bouncing like kitty toys manufactured from jelly. Immediately, the face of Baron Von Smiley is familiar to everybody – the one escaping from the Paris incident. Guards run to protect the others as they hopelessly try to defend the attack, only to be slowly nibbled away by the Smiley Forces. At least they were slowing them down.
Aku Aku: "Thank goodness… the Voodoo Forces sit elsewhere."
Little Timmy: "Emoticons!! Can I play with them, mommy?"
Timmy’s Mother: "No, Timmy."
Little Timmy: "Pul-lease??"
Aku Aku (looking at self): "AAUttghh!! I’m mentally sick! Help me officers!"
Little Timmy: “Cool! Voodoo Mask!!” (grabs Aku).
Aku Aku: "Kid! Get off!! AARRGHHH!!!!!"
Guard 1: "Get out of here, fools! Avoid having your rears chewed off too!"
The public runs in all directions in a bid to escape the battle. Little Timmy, and his mother, are dragged elsewhere outside, with Aku Aku still trying to escape the grasp of Timmy as he is brought. The remaining members of the earlier mentioned Smiley Extermination Specialists, although few are left, stay to defend the guards for a short time. Old ladies walk off in typically slow fashion talking about leg warmers. New Mini, fresh from Mini Adventure, attacks with cruise missiles but has little effect until the smilies are worn down. Thankfully, once the Martians appear they’re quickly finished off.
Baron: "Argg!! We need reinforcements!"
Martian 1: "Glig glab glob."
Baron: "Oh do shut up."
Guard 1: "Yehah! We have… the land mines."
Baron: "What the--?? You will pay for this, fat human souls!"
Guard 2: "…but the secret weapon is… the cheese grater. Recommended by the Cheese State prez."
Mr Posticon: "Ack! Full steam ahead, gremlins!!"
Guard 2 attacks with the cheese grater, sending bits of clothing tearing.
Old Lady: "AARRGH!!!! My wrecked body!"
Aku Aku: "Ho ho! Nearly naked women have never been so horrid."
Guard 2: "Ouch, that reminds me of a torn copy of FHM. Slight mistake. Now, where are the smileys?"
Old Lady (Hitting Guard 2 with walking stick): "I am positively insulted!"
Officer Helen: "Well, the attackers are long gone now. Our ‘mistake’ allowed them to escape through the fire exit."
Guard 1: "Calm down. Those are only round circles, they can’t have got up to that much… oh no."
The remaining standing turn their gaze to the back wall. They were headed towards the Smiley Extermination Specialists area, and quickly. Over at the said place, there are already mass numbers of remaining Smiley Exterminators already researching. For safety reasons, everybody is located in the main office room. All windows are blackened, in a manner not dissimilar to World War II. Office workers are typing furiously for research and a place to trap the invading smileys. Sara, James, Kris and Ben are all working, glancing out of windows in an attempt to see something.
Sara: "Gawd… I think they’re coming this way."
Vice-Chief Kris: "I wonder what happened to Broken – he hasn’t returned."
James: "He’s dead, fool! Don’t you watch CNN?"
Sara: "Lock the doors!"
Chloe (running in): "Rich and Broken are dead. I’ll be explaining later."
Ben: "Hi Chloe, what happened to your legs?"
Sara: "Just stop jittering and lock up everything. The smilies are coming closer!"
Ben: "I’m on it."
Ben comes close to the back door, just before he’s knocked to his feet as the smilies explode into the room… in their thousands. Baron is at the head of the pack, smiling like a bog-standard posticon when he decides he likes what he sees. Only a small number in the offices are even equipped to be fighting, and none have weapons.
Baron: "This’ll be an easy target after somebody shot that Broken bloke for us."
The rest of them nod.
Baron: "So…? Laugh with me!! No wonder they call me weak!"
James: "You will be weak, when, when, we fight you off."
Baron: "Ooh, amusing to my ears."
Vice-Chief Kris: "We are the meddling kids, Baron. Stop it now, right now, before I call in Scooby Doo."
Sara: "T-this won’t be…"
Smiley 1: "Phhrgh. C’mon, I’m hungry!"
Dozens of the graphics quickly pile onto an unsuspecting James, Within seconds, the crowd lifts, and he has vanished. A panic breaks out among the others in the office as things go still.
Sara: "James..!!"
Chloe (grabbing Sara): "He’s gone. (whispering) stand back-to-back with me. I’ll lead you through this."
Sara: "Erm…"
She jumps as a smiley assault quickly sticks to Ben, nibbling him away bit by bit. Her partner nods grimly.
Ben: "They’re eating me!! Guys--!!"
Kris: "They won’t be getting away with this!"
Sara: (crying) "Ben!!"
Within the next few seconds, a pipe behind the two bursts, pouring rainwater onto un-noticing smiley guards. But it’s also beginning to dampen the floor. Baron lurches for the pair, but as they move away he lands in the pouring water. Boiling hot water.
Baron (melting): "NNNOOOO!!!!!! Save me, guards!!"
Kris (now being nibbled at by a smiley): "You guys go ahead! I’m doing something to stop them."
Another group of smilies pounce on Kris. He drops back deliberately into the crowd of smilies as a large group continues to cover his face. He falls into the rising water level, now turning yellow after Baron started to melt away. The other smilies are now sinking into the boiling tap water, but still biting menacingly at the feet of the two females, now the only two humans in the room. There seems no escape route for now, as the windows continue to hold back the strength.
Baron: "rrggghh… kill…"
Sara: "I’m impressed. We’ve killed off the army of smilies."
The two look on, hugging each other after the incident.
~O.o~
A new location. Somewhere on the South Pole, researchers emerge from the thickened snow. A number look at each other’s papers, nod and continue. Some queer blokes admire themselves and sniff their fingers. Snow Baboons waltz lazily across the snow. Polar bears eat each other. Researchers, working… Not that anybody’s interested in what’s happening at the South Pole anyway.
~O.o~
The next part of this tedious story happens on the considerably more enticing Planet Mersiana. Where the secret alien race, the Zarmerk, lives. Quite interesting it was to modern-day scientists of 2034, the innocent Zarmerk is highly intelligent, even more intelligent than your average human. Being a friendly planet, Mersiana had no intention to effect Earth. Until a round, circular thing landed in Mersiana Port…
Zach Zarmerk: "Glib glab glob."
Zakk Zarmerk: "Glab glib glob." (points to the landing aircraft).
Zack Zarmerk: "Glo glo glierb."
Baron’s weak replacement, simply named ‘Doyle Brother’, emerges from the craft and approaches the odd looking Zarmerks.
Doyle: "Heh heh, hello there citizens of Mersiana!"
Zach Zarmerk: "Glib glob glib?"
Zakk Zarmerk: "Ghib, glib, ghob."
Doyle: "Geez, you guys can’t even speak English? I thought you lot were supposed to be damn intelligent."
Zach: (growling): "Glarb glib!"
Doyle: "OK… sorry, sorry. I just want to sign you guys a little deal."
Zach: "Glob?"
Doyle: "You see, mate, this supposedly friendly planet Earth. They’ve caused us somewhat trouble recently. First off, an accident of ours, down to smile error of course, goes up and we are accused of being deliberate by them. They want to kill us, you know. For no reason down to them. So naturally, we have no choice but to destroy them, to teach them a lesson in good manners towards the smilies they use of course. Fair?"
Zakk: "Glerrr… glib glob."
Doyle: "And we need your army to do so! All of you! Just to knock a bit of sense into them, of course. Feel free to revel in any kind of mass destruction once you’re there – it’s considered a nice thing by earth humans, you know."
The Zarmerks call their best forces immediately, and start whispering to each other in native language. They turn, look at Doyle’s strange, circular self and make some kind of Zarmerk laugh. Eventually they give in, come to agreement – or at least, it looks that way – and decide to get into spacecraft. Headed to Earth. With the smilies on board – of course.
~O.o~
,br>
An unsuspecting earth, sitting at 1am, is brought up in terror as the Zarmerk spacecraft is brought in, destroying full buildings and destroying tons of people. OK, yes, it sounds very flash and fantasy-ish right now, but we’re only trying to excite you fools. Either way, it’s chaos. Chaos!!
Aku Aku: (waking up): "AARRGHH!!! The Voodoo Forces are now here!!"
Coco Bandicoot: "Go back to sleep Aku."
Seconds later, a laser is shot at the house the marsupials and Aku Aku nest in, destroying it’s contents immediately. Kind of like when Abe explodes in those Oddworld games, but even more amusingly. Elsewhere, the officers are nestling in bed when they hear the noises of cars exploding into pieces in the street. Officer Harry gasps at the sight of smilies invading on the ground as the Zarmerk craft shoot lasers down below. Smilies break into the officers’ house, quickly coming to nibble them.
Smiley 1: "FGghhhh!!!"
Officer Helen: (screaming) "AARRTGGHHH!!!"
Officer Harry: "Hold on, men! I have my rifle!"
Officer Henry: "Use it, fool! I’m nibbled down to me underwear already! Ouch!!"
Seconds later, as before, the Zarmerk craft shoots the house, immediately destructing everything within a few miles of the wreckage. Officer Harry runs out with his rifle, pitifully shooting the smilies one by one with said weapon. On the outskirts of town, old survivor Sara can already see the crafts in the distance. She can tell what’s coming.
Sara: "Oh no… the smilies really are taking their final revenge on the world. For using them in message board posts… we are all goners for it!"
She runs downstairs, still wearing her night gown, and flees. Minutes later the crafts invade, destructing buildings and having tons of fun.
Inside the craft…
Zach (laughing): "Glib glirg! Glib!!"
Doyle: "Heh heh… this is nothing they have seen before. This is the Smilies’ Revenge, the rear end of the Earth as we know it!"
Zakk: "Glib?"
Doyle: "A bomb? Capable of destructing the entire planet? No, I can’t drop that now… my heart… I can’t… or could I?"
Zach: "Glarb, glib…?"
At the Smiley Extermination Centre, officers are brought into the equation as many rush for the emergency doors with whopping machine guns on hand, each capable of bringing down a jumbo jet. The crowd stops as the second replacing Chief, Larry White, pauses for a moment.
Larry: "This, our citizens, could prove to be the final battle. Make no mistake - the smilies have made their final response. Whether you come out a hero, or non-existent, is a matter of…"
Larry is knocked to the ground as the crowd pushes through the doors.
Smiley 1: "Heh, time for the easy work fellas. The humans are coming, with guns. Ooh, scary!"
Smiley 2: "Shurrup and let me enjoy my food."
Bill Gates Junior: "There’s the attacking smileys! Gerrem!"
Gates shoots a missile, destroying a smiley or two, but nothing more. Millions are still alive.
Bill Gates Junior: "What the--? Shouldn’t a jet-destructing missile be stronger?"
Rich: "Either that, Gates, or we have stronger smileys. Yes?"
Bill Gates Junior: "Wha?? How’d you come here? I thought you were killed!"
Rich: "That’ll be right, Gates."
Smiley 3: "Ahh, ooh… so he’s brought back to life. Cool."
Rich: "Actually, I’m still dead."
Another missile rips into the air, destroying another smiley or two.
Smiley 2: "Ooohh, neat." (lurches towards Rich, bringing him to the ground.)
Rich: "I don’t think you’ve watched me fight yet."
Rich goes on to shoot Smiley 2 in the face, causing him to explode into confetti. The remaining smilies step back, but continue to defend, waiting for the Zarmerk craft.
Bill Gates Junior: "Cool, only a few humans here, but we’re defending – AACCGHGH!!"
Smiley 1 (clinging to Bill’s ear): "Prepare to be nibbled!"
Smiley 1 is also destructed by the blast afterwards. A number of new smilies pounce onto Rich and begin to continue eating him away, leaving Bill Gates Junior to fight off with a slightly chewed-off ear. A group of fighting humans further away flinch as a head lands next to their feet, in flames, presumably from a blast further off. Until it talks.
Mother’s Head: "Ack! Looks like the smilies fought on at Buckingham Palace or somwot."
Smiley 1: "Who the heck are you?"
Bill Gates Junior: "Oh poo – looks like that mother we saw earlier actually survived in lamb-chop head form."
Mother: "’Ey, I’m one of the last remaining of my kind! Besides, I can be protecting you fools!"
Bill Gates Junior: "Yup, that is her."
A further group of humans approach, including many familiar faces. Sara is wheeling a giant catapult to the scene.
Chloe: "Rich! I thought you had died."
Rich (hugging): "Not much time to explain, sorry."
Mother: "Morons! Pick up my head! Pick up my head!"
Bill Gates Junior: "Who’d want your head? I’d rather bring it back to the stream it was found at –"
Sara: "I think she means the catapult. It sounds devilish."
Mother: "Precisely! Launch me! I’ve lost the rest of my body, not much to literally lose now!"
Rich: "That’s a neat idea… but just wait a minute. Don’t smilies go for the ones lacking brain cells first?"
Mother: "Yes, yes, if I was intelligent I would have survived with the rest of me long ago! Now go go go!"
Rich: "I think it’s best that some of us try to wear down the Zarmerks whilst the catapult throws anything which can, well, do something useful. I’m going over there."
The remaining crowd notices a large explosion ripping through the ground, coming at a competitive speed towards them. Clearly, "that" bomb had already hit the ground. Before setting off in that direction, Rich stacked up the courage to be saying goodbye to his peers. Chloe quickly came to his attention, kissing him on the cheek and digging her head into his shoulder. Bill Gates Jr looked on, still refusing to show some kind of emotion for the sake of his own street cred. Rich moved his hands through her hair passionately before finally looking forwards. Others tried to catch his attention, but he’d clearly already disappeared into the mist. Tears went begging, although not for long – the smilies were back. With weaponry.
Zach: "Glib glar glob."
Smiley 1: "Shurrup, you’re supposed to know this. I want those pitiful morons finished off before—"
Zach: "Gliabh?? Glighh??"
Smiley 4: "What do you mean, you’re not a Zarmerk?"
Sara: "’Oops’ the word, Smilies?"
Doyle: "Groan… we’re too late in the operation now. Look ahead (motioning), the explosions are already tearing through the planet."
Chloe: "I’m prepared to go down fighting. We don’t forget a tactic, mate."
Mother (in the catapult): "FIRE!"
Sara (pulling back trigger): "Yes, FIRE!"
The catapult shoots, and the head is literally shot up forwards into the open air. Not visible to the attackers, the head flies back through the clouds and makes contact with an unprepared Zarmerk craft right below. The spacecraft explodes on impact, segments of cheese strangely flying from there. As soon as the craft hits the ground, the explosion on the planet below only gets worse.
Doyle: "Oh dear oh dear. That would have decidedly killed off our beloved ‘Rich’, ey?"
Smiley 4: "Pitiful. Finish them off!"
The humans left were given little time to react – having been brought down to the floor immediately. Sara was knocked, this time with no help, and was now being covered over.
Sara (being covered): "Guys--!! Just how strong can circle pixels be?"
Bill Gates Junior: "Arrgg, I’ve survived too long in this mission. I say we all die anyway, now that the earth is exploding and – wahh!!" (is attacked by Doyle).
Doyle: "It is no use! The explosion of the earth is quickly coming your way. You’re being killed as you speak!!"
Chloe: "We fight to the end. I think my body is being eaten away."
Sara (looking towards her): "Agghh… I can’t watch this."
Everything from the existing area goes bright, scarlet white as the explosion of the earth covers everybody.
~O.o~
Little Timmy: "AARRGGHHH!!!!!"
Late night. Little Timmy jumps up, covered in sticky sweat, hidden under his pillow. Everything is back… it was a dream! Like it always is! Timmy climbs slowly out of bed and toddles to his parent’s bedroom.
Little Timmy: (knocking) "Mummy? Daddy?"
Timmy’s Mother (groaning): "Timmy! It’s 1am. Give us some rest."
Timmy’s Father: "Go to bed, son."
Little Timmy: "B-but mum. I had a nightmare. Where smilies were attacking the world, and, and, everybody was being nibbled to pieces! A woman’s head was used as a catapult and this man called Rich was brought back to life and the earth was exploded and, and…"
Timmy’s Mother: "We’ll discuss it in the morning, dear."
Little Timmy: "But MOM!"
Timmy’s Mother: "In the morning!"
And so Timmy was brought to square one. He waltzed slowly downstairs, not confident. But as he sat in bed that night, he could have sworn he could see them – the smilies.
Little Timmy: "No, no…"
Doyle: "A-HA!!"
Little Timmy: "AAARRGGHH!!!!"
Smiley 1: "Get ‘em!"
Little Timmy: "Mummy mummy mummy!!"
Smiley 2: "Mummy can’t hear you scream little boy! BWAHARHAR!!!"
Little Timmy: "Help! I’m being eaten alive!"
Smiley 2: "Actually, boy, the adventure simply continues. You weren’t having a dream at all – we are just inspecting you. Your many unfortunate human friends are also on this craft."
A Zarmerk glances over Timmy, studying him for a second, before leaving.
Little Timmy: "M-mummy?!"
Smiley 1: "You were dreaming that Mummy had comforted you, but nothing more. Control your sleeping, mate."
Little Timmy: "Mummy, you are here!"
Timmy’s Mother: "Yes, son?"
Little Timmy: "Mummy!"
Doyle (removing Timmy’s Mother mask): "Nah, I’m your worst enemy actually."
Little Timmy: "AARTGHHHH!!!"
Smiley 4: "Heh, stop scaring him Doyle."
Timmy could only just look to his side, where he could see familiar friends or faces – Rich, Bill Gates Jr, his real mother and father – on similar tables. Being operated on by on looking Zarmerks. At one table –
Chloe: "What will you be doing to us?"
Smiley 3: "Operations, mate. In your case, we’re doing a bit of – heh, cutting down."
Doyle (winking): "Weapons, armour, and that stuff he means. Poor fella can’t phrase much right."
Smiley 3: "Oi?"
Rich: "You’re only harming your own reputation, smilies – now that Earth is finished, we have freedom."
Doyle: "Or rather, you’ll be kept here until you are killed off. We love painful, slow deaths, so…"
A group of robotic figures emerge, holding harmful looking spiked weaponry and knifes. Another unknown person ties the two heroic figures together, facing each other. Another rather obscure muscular-built smiley whips Chloe’s head to one side, causing two deep scars in her right cheek, whilst Rich is deviously treated to a rear end punching. Not long later, the pair are moved into a small room, with a somewhat familiar setting of spikes on two sides of the room. Immediately it is known exactly what trick is begging to be brought out on them…
Rich: "That’s clichéd. You’re going to operate the spiked walls so that they move in towards us, until we suffer a painful death side by side. That is original."
Doyle: "Yeah, yeah. But heck, it does the job. If Scooby Doo hadn’t escaped this in a dozen episodes of that damn show the original owners would never have sold us it at a juicy bargain. But then, at least we’ve spent some dosh on security features – such as the ever-popular cheese grater at either side…"
Chloe: "Just go and let us die."
A group of smileys land on the pair seconds after the last speech, beginning to nibble away at two people who were already heavily injured. The side doors slammed and begun to move in at a surprising speed.
Rich: "Ouch. Ooch. Ow. Stop it."
Chloe: "I think we’ll be dead by the time the walls reach us anyway."
The pair, still facing each other, can’t help but bring their lips into sharp contact as they see their end looming. Rich’s hands sift through her hair, in a similar way to what he’d recalled previously. He moves his hands over her bare legs, taking much time. Just as he fumbled around her hips, the room’s electrics faltered as the lights went off and all was dark. And meanwhile…
Bill Gates Junior: "Gerrof, fools! Do I have to suffer with this idiot?"
Mother’s Head: "I wish they’d just kill me off already! How’d I—"
Bill Gates Junior: "Well, well, it all comes into context when you realise the thick-headed can come in useful… doesn’t it?"
Suddenly, a noise rocks through the craft. An explosion tears through, and unsuspecting smilies turn in shock. The surprise is a big one as they can see spots of Martini around the room. This strong, Earth substance proves to be too dangerous as the liquid begins to seep through the floor and into the engine bay below.
Doctor Smilem: "NO!! It’s the advanced weaponry!!"
Smiley 3 (eyes widening) OH MY GAWD!! Run, smilies!!
Vibration rocks through the area as all smilies start scampering like white mice across the hills. Walls begin to cave in, and for some odd reason, blood begins to seep in through the ceiling… horrible… giant, big globs… disgusting… blah blah, feeling faint yet? As the engine vibrates, yells of trapped humans are heard as parts of the craft cave into each other, destructing life forms bit by bit. Rich and Chloe are pressed onto each other’s backs as the spikes draw into their stomachs… and the gauzy smell of death looms over all… immediately all existing humans on the craft are instantly disintegrated and destroyed. Bits of human flesh are left floating through space as the explosions occur around the craft. The human race from here refuses to exist.
~O.o~
A quietened back room. Lights shine across the area, flashing over human bodies nibbled away by smiley appetite. In the middle of the room, an ugly bloke trying to look sexy in a nurse outfit which didn’t fit him. Celebrations are going on outside, with glasses of freshly-poured Martini hitting the floor and leaving strange, brownish puddles of gunk around the floor. People are using the beer’s froth to shave themselves. In hospital, the first alive human emerges…
Little Timmy: (opening eyes): Huhh?
Nurse Harry: "Cough cough! Hello kid! You’re awake, now get lost to whether you live and bring in the next patient. No looking around, no emotional speech, no…"
Timmy’s Mother: "Gasp! Timmy, you’re alive!!"
Little Timmy: "Wha—wha—Mummy!!"
Rich (being escorted in a wheelchair with his arms blown off and nose injuries): "Hi there little buddy!"
Little Timmy: "Wwwaaaa!!!!! It’s the big man!"
Rich: "Heh, I just refuse to die. I may have been blown to shrapnel pieces by that blast, but somehow my rusted body parts landed on the moon and the world’s leading scientists pieced me back together. I think they prefigured my nose the wrong way, though. And my belly button smarts real bad."
Nurse Harry: "Shurrup, shurrup, shurrup. This wasn’t even a realistic war."
Rich: (grabbing Harry’s cheeks): "Aah, but Nurse… I have smartened. All my colleagues are now floating around space somewhere, their remains rotting away, rats and smiley babies nibbling away at their lips, their sexual…"
Nurse Harry: "That’s appropriate, ‘mate’!"
A pretty nurse walks into the room, flashing her short, almost wood-coloured straight hair. She talks to Nurse Harry quietly for a moment, until he interrupts somebody else.
Nurse Harry: "Alright, what are we gonna do with this lot?"
Nurse Isabelle: "Do not fret, Harry… I think these dears are coping rather well."
Little Timmy: "Where are we? Where are we? Where are we?!!"
Rich (staring at Isabelle’s breasts): "Judging by the look of those knockers, it appears we have been brought back to an unknown corner of the universe!"
Little Timmy: "How did you know that?"
Rich: "Heh heh… these aren’t real humans, Timmy. They’re completely artificial, kinda like that plastic Christmas tree you saw in Halford’s a few days ago. The differences? These don’t even have real brushes! The humans, I mean—"
Nurse Harry: "That’ll be enough of your whining, chuckles. Who’s for some Dr Pepper?"
The entire room cheers, including the fat morons at the opposite side of the room, now using their shavers to pick mouldy pieces of apple from their genitals, although thankfully they’re trained for their purpose with utmost care. A real party atmosphere breaks out, with pints of Iron Bru being given out and supplemented with Tomato Sauce. Isabelle climbs onto the hospital bed and starts stripping off her uniform.
Little Timmy (horrified): AAARRGGHHH!!!!
Rich: "Heheheh, what’s wrong young one? We’ve escaped those blasted smileys for good. They’re extinct."
Nurse Harry: "Yeah kid, this is the planet of your ultimate fantasies!"
Little Timmy: "Sniff sniff… please save me!"
Rich: "Calm down calm down! Ouch that spleen is aching again."
Nurse Isabelle: "Would you want some lotion on that, Rich?"
Rich (blushing): "Sniff… yeah babe!"
Martini spills out onto the bed and Timmy panics like a doyle from Mars.
Nurse Harry: "Heh heh heh… don’t you love the sense. Entertainment, boy. This is the planet where smileys were too lacking of brain tissue to survive. Their homones can’t stand the pleasure. This, boy, is Planet Perv."
Little Timmy: "AAARRGGHHH!!!!!!!"
Epilogue -
Little Timmy became the 2054 editor of Max Power Magazine, implying the new worldwide slogan, "Fast Birds… and whatever the wheeled things are."
Rich went on to take the part of James Bond in a world where ‘unpleasant facial features’ equal ‘thrilling car scenes’. The new Bond made infamous appearances in toothbrush commercials driving Cadillac coupe models down rackety slopes.
Nurse Harry became the Representative Of Cheese in 3457AD and later the Prime Minister of France, bringing back an obsession with cheese which killed off the human race. Again.
Meanwhile, the numerous emoticons featured in this story moved on to appear on message boards across the internet. Odd how none of them thought of that idea in the first place.
As for every other character you see, they were either a) killed in that explosion which left their flesh floating around space or b) killed off from exhaustion after an unhealthy obsession with Toblerones. The company went out of business because the Toblerone was always too triangle in a world which was bent.
********************
And, of course, the author would like to thank everybody who has had the displeasure of reading and wishes them a happy 2045, or whatever year it’ll be by the time somebody is drunk enough to submit for publishing. Ooohh, imagine all the excitement… A Christmas Carol will be dead! Long live the tr8tes! Talking of which, we wish to apologise to all who read this story solely for the tr8tes. Clearly they are absent and will be promised in a later edition of The Tr8tes Factor… or will they? Maybe it’s just our silly yet ingenious marketing ploy. Hah hah hah. Now if you’re still reading, shut up and get a life devoid of teacakes and muffins thank you.
© MRacer MiniMotor Community 2001-2002
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