CRASH FILM REVIEWS - 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
Crash: Hi and welcome to…
CRASH BANDICOOT FILM REVIEWS!!!
Danni: Today is a very special day, where we review one of Stanley Kubrick's greatest achievements ever!
Coco: And a personal favourite of mine! It's considered to be his most well known work. '2001 A Space Odyssey'
Danni: Yep, and to get into the mood of this movie, me, Crash, Coco, and Darwin are blasting off into space to look for the monolith... before Cortex gets it!!
Crash: Where's Darwin anyway!?
Darwin comes out… dressed as Alex from 'Clockwork Orange'.
Darwin: Aye aye my little droogies - are we ready to viddy one of Stanley Kubrick's most smashing movies!? 'A clockwork Orange'
Danni: No Darwin… I told you - we're doing '2001 A Space Odyssey' instead!
Darwin: WHAT!?!? Yarbbles!!! This really vexes me on how my own mates would review something that's a piece of trite compared to 'Clockwork Orange' I wanted to viddy a bit at the ol' ultra-violence!!
Note: The reason Darwin's talking so weird is because that's the way they talked in 'Clockwork Orange'
Danni: Well not today - we're going into space!
Darwin: Aye aye… did you say space!! How scrumpulious is that!? We best be on our way me brothers and sisters – I'd like to viddy the undaunted regions of the ol' universe!
Crash: Will you stop talking like that and get on the spaceship?
Darwin: Don't get your knickers in a knot!! We best be on our way! Come!
Danni: Right...
Coco: Well anyway... if Darwin will drop the 'Clockwork Orange' bit we'll be on our way to get the Monolith before Cortex does!
The gang board the spaceship and blast off into the outer universe!
*************************************
On the ship, Crash is exercising… if you remember how Dave did it in the movie! Except for the fact that Crash is running on a giant hamster wheel!
Coco: Hey Crash - that's enough exercising for now!
Crash: Phew!! Yeah... man!! When in space you gotta keep fit!! Has Darwin stopped doing that 'Clockwork Orange' garbage?
Darwin: I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain… what a glorious feeling, I'm happy again!!!
Coco: No he hasn't… and he's stilled dressed like that!! He won't even remove his derby or get rid of that fruity eyelash!
Danni: Well anyway… in the movie 2001, astronauts wish to recover an odd remnant of the past called the Monolith. Although it's a huge tall block of black slate it appears to have certain powers that people wish to be known about!! It's the oldest remnant still living today and it's been here since the dawn of man! Which is why we
need to capture it and make sure Cortex doesn't get it… for as they say… it has certain power we may not know!!
Coco: Crash, what are you installing? I already installed the computer today! See... his name is 'Greg'! Greg'… this is Crash!
Greg: HELLO. DAVE.
Coco: No no… it's Crash!
Greg: IT'S. A. PLEASURE. TO. MEET. YOU. DAVE!
Coco: No… stop calling everyone Dave!
Greg: SORRY. DAVE.
Coco: *Sigh* Anyway… Crash, what are you installing!?
Crash: A vital necessity to everyday life on our little voyage to capture the Monopoly!
Coco: Monolith!
Crash: Whatever!
Coco: How is it vital?
Crash: It produces natural resources for us that will give us energy and a high supply of food to go on for many years!
Coco: What's it called?!
Crash: We call it... 'Mr. Coffee'. Want some?
Coco: No… not now!?
Greg: HEY. I'D. LIKE. COFFEE. DAVE!
Crash: How can a machine drink coffee? And for the last time my
name's not Dave - it's Crash!
Greg: SORRY. DAVE.
Crash: It's CRASH!! Say it with me… CRASH!!
Greg: DAVE.
Crash: No… CRASH... CRASH!!
Greg: DAVE.
Crash: CRASH!! C-R-A-S-H!
Greg: D-A-V...
Crash: OH FORGET IT!!!! You got some kinks to work out on that thing
Coco!!
Coco: Well, not a god idea Crash - it's hooked up to the entire ship! If I do something wrong then it's going to affect everything on the ship!
Crash: You hooked up this computer to the entire ship? WHY?
Coco: The ship can't run without it! It's our most vital source!
Greg: YEAH. SCRAM. DAVE.
Crash: I gotta go see if we found that Monorail yet!
Coco: Monolith!!!
Crash: Whatever!
Danni: Anyway… 2001 is a brilliant flick with lots of haunting visions of space travel! Stanley Kubrick also revolutionized the way we look at special effects, which is probably why people liked it, even though there wasn't much storyline to it!
Crash: Danni, have you found the Monotony yet!?
Danni: Monolith Crash! And it appears so!! I think we just found it! 'Mr. Radar' is on!
Darwin: Aye aye… look what I viddy over there!!!
Crash: Cortex's space station!! He may have found the monolith!
Danni: Well he isn't going to get it this time!!
Coco: We're almost there, just as long as the radar holds out!
Crash; Mr. Radar sis!
Coco: Whatever!
Suddenly, a hologram of Cortex appears!
Cortex: SOOOO… the bandicoots are also after the monolith!! Well... being inspired from my favourite Stanley Kubrick movie '2001', I was soon ambitious to hunt the monolith down! I know what power it possesses and it would mean world domination for me!
Crash: You'll never get the Monologue Cortex!
Cortex: MONOLITH!!!! Well either way, it's mine, and so will the world… once I get it!
Danni: We're going to get there first - there's no way you're going to get it!
Cortex: We will see!!
The image of Cortex fades!
Danni: Not to worry mates – with Mr. Radar here we'll get there before he does!!
Mr. Radar suddenly goes blank! The words 'OFFLINE' appear on the screen!!
Danni: WHAT!?!?!?
Darwin: What happened?
Coco: Oh no... Greg is malfunctioning!
Crash: I knew it - that computer is as reliable as Windows 98! It'll go off for no darn reason!!!
Greg: SORRY. DAVE. I. AM. OFFLINE!
Crash: How can you be offline?
Greg: THE. NETWORK. IS. DOWN!
Coco: I knew I shouldn't have hooked him up with AOL!!
Danni: Can you fix it?
Coco: No… cause then the whole ship will… CRASH WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?!
Crash is kicking Greg the computer with his feet and starts to hack away at the computer with a pick axe!!
Greg: WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING. DAVE!?
Crash: Getting rid of you, you hunk of trash!!
Greg: DAVE. YOU'RE. HURTING. ME. DAVE.
Crash: SO WHAT!?!?!? I HATE YOU!!
Greg: DAVE. LET'S. TALK. THIS. OVER. DAVE.
Crash: How bout not?
Greg: I. CAN. SING. A. SONG. DAVE.
Crash: BIG DEAL!!!
Greg: DAISY. DAISY...
Crash: SHUT UP!!!!
Greg: HERE'S JOHNNY! (Quote from The Shining)
Crash: DIE!!!!
Greg: WATER. IT'S. THE. MOST. VALUABLE. FLUID. ON. EARTH. WITHOUT. IT. MANKIND. WOULD. CEASE. TO. EXIST.(Quote from Dr. Strangelove)
Crash: Will you shut UP!!!
Greg: I. AM. SPARTA. CUSSSSSS... (Quote from Spartacus)
Greg is hacked into millions of pieces from Crash!! He's now gone!
Coco: CRASH!!! YOU IDIOT!!
Darwin: What's wrong!?
Coco: The ship can't run without Greg?
Crash: What parts of the ship will malfunction if Greg is gone!?
Coco: 50% at most!!
Danni, Crash and Darwin gasped.
Coco: Wait – sorry, I'm wrong!
Danni, Crash and Darwin: Phew!
Coco: Actually… all 100% of the ship will malfunction!!
Danni, Crash and Darwin: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Coco: Yep!! By now the whole ship will crash down!!
Crash: Oh darn!!!
The ship begins to plummet towards Earth!! While plummeting towards Earth, Crash starts seeing wild colours come at him! (If you remember that one scene with the astronaut flying through another dimension with all the bizarre colors… you'd know what this is talking about!) As Crash blinks, the colours hitting his eyes change as well! Then the ship hits Earth!!
**********************************
The gang hop out of the ship… a little dazed!
Danni: Well mates… that concludes our film review! Overall… '2001 A Space Odyssey' is one of the best Stanley Kubrick movies ever and is a great contribution to his genius!! His other works, excluding 'Eyes Wide Shut', should not be missed either! A brilliant film from a brilliant director! It truly revolutionized the way we create movies!! We give '2001 A Space Odyssey' our highest rating available!
A 5 Wumpa Fruit Flick: O O O O O
Coco: Hey - what happened to Cortex when he got the Monolith!?
Crash: Hey, that's right!
Darwin: Methinks that I viddy the end of the movie '2001' will surely end up like Cortex when he gets the Monolith!!
******
Special ending: Cortex gets the monolith… but is transformed into 'Baby Cortex' and floats in a giant bubble in space! (If you remember the ending in '2001', then you know what this is talking about!)
THE END!!
Dedicated to the Memory of Stanley Kubrick
1928 - 1999
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