THE MARSUPIAL THRILLER
Welcome, our friends. Such controversy greets us. Such horror is on the loose. Run, souls. Hide, wherever you can, be it a dustbin, a handbag, a polythene bag, or just something to climb in. We are approaching the home where not all is as seems. We are on the way to the ultimate in mammal terror. It is recommended under 18s do not read on. This is a story riddled with blood, gore, um, and swearing. This is the home of the…
MARSUPIAL THRILLER!!!!
(la, la, la-la-la-la la, la, la, la…)
Aku Aku Da Voodoo Mask
IN:
Marsupial Thriller
"Ho! Ho! Ho! What would you like for dinner, children?"
The rejuvenated piece of lumberjack’s work continued to float peacefully in front of his (most travellers prefer ‘it’s’) offspring. Today was mustard pie day, which meant treats for afterwards! But we’ll talk about that later. Right now, The kids of this woodworm infested lifeform were busy consuming their vital energy for the day ahead. There were several creatures eating in the clan. The mask’s most treasured offering, a tiger who responded to the label ‘Pura Kitty’ was naturally given the most food to take in. This orange disaster lost most of his stripes the day before when a dry cleaner approached too close for comfort, but it was an incident not best discussed with other members as it involved large amounts of blood (from the dry cleaner, that is) and a piece of wood with deep engravings in it’s rear. The next most ‘important’ specimen was far more intelligent, but no more inspiring. This one was rather different, however. It was a female, and rather intelligent in comparison to other members of the bandicoot species. She was a lot cuter than most of the others too - and at least she had substance to match style. Same comments couldn’t be made of her closest relation: her brother. This ugly, snarling beast chopped up ham sticks like they were going out of fashion, and ate them in a disgusting manner. It all made his resulting dirty burp at the end sound all the more pleasant. And let’s not even go into the sickeningly ‘cute’ polar bear thing without a name to hold.
"Yab -boorrr!!!" The orange twit yelled, flinging his plastic bowl into Aku Aku’s head which smashed into blocky pieces in an instant (the bowl, not the wood).
The mask swivelled round, not one bit dazed.
"More!! More!! MORE!!!" The specimen yelled again, smiling goofily with two-buck teeth like a pleasured squirrel.
He jumped up and down on his baby seat, whacking his botty against the plastic harness, which never stayed put. He then began to flick pieces of mush into his sister’s golden hair and used the polar bear as a whoopee cushion for Pura to sit on. A large smell disturbed everybody, including Aku Aku who suddenly realised what hit him. He snarled, handing Crash - for this was his name - more grub in a pot. Without a spoon, the orange furry thing decided it was a drink and so licked it up greedily, getting porridge all over his Pinkofluffo-styled bib. Aku watched his thickheaded possession in sorrow.
"Crash, Crash," he consulted. "Why embarrass me so, you little runt??"
He whacked Crash on the head, only to find his wood was cracked as a result.
"Deyy!"
The furry specimen chuckled, continuing to suck up his porridge from the floor where he once spilt some - a good six years ago. He was clearly the inferior one of the bunch. Should he of been left outside like Pura and Polar, he’d evolve into a rather strange wild animal. There was no hope for this one. At this point, somebody else finally coughed up. Coco, the hugely intelligent female, finally spoke after several minutes of trying to free bits of dried mush from her blond curls.
"Aku Aku… can I ask you something?" She spoke, smiling sweetly.
The wood block spun round. "What? WHAT?? Want to know something? From me?"
"Yes," she repeated. "Can I talk to you out of the room?"
The two left. The three animals remained, covered in greasy food and making all sorts of fake barfing noises. Crash, for one, peered out of the window. Within seconds he spotted a rather kind, very polite looking gentleman walking out of the public toilets. A change seized! Crash took a detour for the bathroom. Out he came, Mr Muscle in hand, a toilet brush in the other. He approached the windowsill, coughed and screamed, "Ah-heh-heh-heh-heh!!" Soon after he unscrewed the lid of the Mr Muscle substance and in a slick manner, poured it onto the bloke’s baldhead from above. Huge Explosion. Smoke escaping gaps in the wall, all three animals trying hard to laugh. With that, Aku Aku rushed out to see what all the fuss was about. He gasped to see the state of the man’s head.
"I - I – what have you children done?" He asked in pity. "Will these troubles ever end?"
The troubled man (with the even more troubled bald head) looked up at the window. Only Aku Aku floated there now, with Crash and friends chuckling in the background. The bald man shook in temper at the sight of Aku.
"THAT’LL BE ANOTHER FINE FOR YOU, YOU – AKU!!" The moody person shouted louder than Zeus over in Greece. "I spent six hours waxing my head with said deodorant! Curses!" And off he flew. Wearing a hat. Leaving the wood block to sob.
Aku glanced back at his offspring. Currently Polar was sucking milk from Aku’s private fridge, and deep ridges in the wall caused by a male marsupial’s head did not help. Said marsupial was now up to no good scooping out pieces of undigested carrot with a dirty toothpick, eating the pieces and spitting them out again afterwards for good measure. The one – and only - mature specimen in the house had seemingly gone. Aku shuddered when he rephrased that to himself.
"Erm, well, Crash?? Do you know what happened to Coco? There was that explosion, poisonous gas went everywhere and…"
"DEY!!" The thicko thing interrupted rudely, smiling with all 46 teeth. 50 previously because he shamelessly kept all his lost teeth in his underwear at night instead of under his pillow, which gave Miss Tooth Fairy a smelly job to do. Especially when it came to leaving money…
Anyway, right now, he was in a dumber than ever mood. He scratched his hiney and pulled out a large stone. It spelt out… ‘Coco Bandicoot - RIP.’
"AARRGGHH!!!!!" The mask was so shocked his mouth, nose and eyes dropped off. "My baby!"
"Dey", went the repetitive animal. "I never knew you were annoyed when Coco educated herself."
He dusted off the sheet of ashes, revealing three more words: ‘Reading In Progress.’
The wood block let out a long, relieved breath of fresh air. For the mentally challenged, like Aku, that was a notice she’d always pinned on her door. RIP, honestly - now what else could that of possibly meant? Just for good measure, the woodworm infested piece of manure floated over to Coco’s bedroom. His eyes narrowed. The ones left on the floor, that is. He sniffed the door. Interested, the once seemingly brainless animal crawled up to the door in a Sherlock Holmes manner. His nose dropped off, as it always does, but at least it could still smell something. There was definitely a thing or two going on behind that door. Finally, Aku coughed up, he knew exactly what he could hear…
"…running water."
"Uh…Uhgh??"
"Ho ho, must be orange juice!"
"Dey, don’t be dirty Aku Aku."
"Look who’s saying this, being dirty…"
"Sorry."
Crash pressed his ear against the door. He almost went to pieces as he show the door creak open, revealing a gap of light shining from the opposite window. Both investigators were brave enough to push the door open just a little wider. Yes! It was what they imagined all along! Now exposed! Coco would never get away with the dirty, filthy deed of…
"…leaving the tap running," Crash smiled.
He turned it off, naturally disappointed that something slightly more dramatic hadn’t occurred.
"Ah, well. C’mon, Aku Aku! Ten O’ Clock! Time for bed."
Sheesh, time passing away drastically. Again. And once again, nothing happened but the same boring things. Still, hopefully something better would happen tomorrow, when Crash was to be brought to the vet. That would be a real Marsupial Thriller. Too bad it wouldn’t happen in this damned story. The end. So there.
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